Friday, December 31, 2010

It's All Fun & Games (With Apologies to Morrissey)

My friend and I have countless games we've invented over the last five years that entertain us. Our original and best is called HIO ("Heard in Office"). This is for any sentence heard out of context that sounds vaguely or overtly sexual. If you listen, you hear them ALL the time. "I can't get it up.", you hear this countlessly about some program, file, what have you, it's almost not even fun anymore. "He keeps putting things in my box." Then the fun with in-box and out-box, well I am sure you get the point.

HIO was more my invention as I recall, but he come up with THEE BEST game this week. It's sort of a game of non-sequiturs. Ex: "...but birthdays spent in prison don't count." That was my favorite one of his. My best work, or at least the one that got him was "...when the lights came on, I learned the woman crying next to me was actually Morrissey...". He told me he wanted that one engraved in stone so I did one of my killer photoshop jobs (another game of mine because I SUCK at it, it's funny).

The reason I'm sharing this is because THIS IS MY FAVORITE and I need more people playing the game with me. So if you see me, nail me with one of these. Here is one more example for you, "It's much easier to exhume a body in Montana than say Kentucky."

Okay, now let's start the game!!!

And I'm sorry, Morrissey, I love you.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Minimalism: It's Just Stuff

I have a couple of "resolutions" for 2011, but the biggest is the simplest. To embrace minimalism. I'm so suffocated by all my possessions. I get this way periodically and normally just want to burn everything so I end up tossing or giving away my things. This time, I'm going to get wise and sell my stuff. Every thing. Every thing. Every thing. I'll only keep what is essential to me. Once I have downsized, if I see that I'm staying in Austin (the scales are tipped a bit more that way this week) then I'm probably going to downscale the home. I won't need all this space. Then with the ohhhh $500-$600 I'd save... I can go fly!!! : )

Just saying "Simplify" I feel like a load is being lifted off my chest.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Back Off, Jack Off

Anyone ever set off your Creep Meter? Perhaps you can't explain why, but they just do. I used to talk myself out of that, but I resolved mid-year that I wasn't going to do that any more. So I'm getting rather cut-throat about cutting off people who I find say, disconcerting. Perhaps they have not overtly done anything, but there is that "get away from me" feeling that they cause.

So there is one person in particular who struck again today. I was put off by the this person from almost the get-go, but we had a common interest and I talked myself into socializing via internet/ph. He was far away in the NE, and so what harm could it do? Suddenly he was coming to Texas and moving down South and leaving his wife and blah blah blah. I got super-concerned and I tried to distance myself from him, I had NO interest in him at all and I thought I came off rather cool and distant from the start. That's how I am if I don't like you. You can hang meat around me. I can be icy.

I eventually did my periodic FB purge that I do and he was the first to go. I was not comfortable with him being on my page, and I really didn't want to be reminded of him. So a bit of time lapses. I don't even know how much now because this has happened so often, but I get a friend request from him. I can't remember. I might have let him back in the first time. I'm thinking that I did, and I couldn't shake the feeling and so I deleted him again. I think. I mean he's calling me, I give in and chat with him, etc. So it's not merely that he added me on FB. It's really not. It's just every thing. The last phone call or two is what really did me in. I won't get into specifics, but it was just a lot of drama. Anyway. So if I did add him again, I eventually defriended and when he noticed he sent the request again. Now this is where I start to really get a bit freaked out. Now if he were to have said, "Hey, why blah blah blah". I would have told him. I really would have, but I figured "I have been defriended before. My vulgarity etc turns people off and they defriend me. I never go whining to them about it. I figure, 'NEXT!!'" So I assumed he would do the same or at the worst ask me why, I'd have to come clean and probably make him feel a bit bad, but that would end this business. So anyway, he just sends a friend request like it's nothing. I just ignore it. Perhaps a month goes by. Again. And again I "ignore" it. Then again. And again. And AGAIN. I finally block him. I'm really getting freaked out by it.

So today comes and I've gotten a couple of requests and sent a couple myself in the last week or two so I was not as vigilant as I should have been, but the person that I accepted was not his name. I did it from by Blackberry at the office. It was not a pic of him either. It wasn't until later that I struck me, this new friend's name was an anagram of his own name. I felt like Rosemary in "Rosemary's Baby" when she learned Roman Castavet was Stephen Marcato. I mean WHAT THE FUCK??? I guess that's how he got around me blocking him and before all that he apparently took my profile photo and shared it on his page. It was just one of those someecards, but Jesus. I thought I had my FB on lockdown (precisely because of this sort of thing). Also I see that he's in the area. So I have been beyond not comfortable all day.

Now, I'm sure some of the blame lies with me. I should have told him from the beginning to back off, but based on what? He had not 'done' anything per se, but holy shit is he baring out all I was thinking in the beginning. So as soon as I got home, I defriended him and blocked his new moniker. I hate having my FB profile on private because I love to fantasize that my ex-husband and Jon Hamm are FB stalking me. I mean I may not want THIS guy stalking, but the right ones are okay. :P

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

French Bathroom Games

I created a new blog today. I've been planning to for a few weeks now. I have a 'writing project' of sorts. Just more of my pure goofiness. I'm going to write love letters to men real and imagined. I am hoping that if I find I have a flair for it that perhaps I'll have enough entries to be publishable. Perhaps. It's a lark for now.

Why the title of the blog. I don't know. I friend and I were writing back and forth and I misread something he wrote as "French Bathroom Games" and my mind went wild with it. I envision bidets and powdered wigs. I posted a couple things about it on my yelp profile and lady asked me about it today saying she even tried to google it. Well, I figured this is a winner so I since I had no other name in mind I choose this. I think it suits it. French - because I can be pretentious at times (sorry, France). Bathroom - because I'm frequently lowbrow. Games because I'm ALWAYS in a giddy, playful mood - well unless I fucking hate you.

So yeah. New blog. I think you can link over to it through my blogger profile. I will work on getting it synced with Facebook and might give FBG it's own twitter page... or not. Don't know yet.

For my first love letter, I think it will be to one Mr. Adrien Brody. YO, Adriiieeen!!!!!

5,000 Hits? Really, I'm Not THAT Interesting...

By the time 2 of you click on this, this little labor of love/hate will have reached its 5,000 views. Thank you for reading and being there with me through this tumultuous year.

Love you guys,


Monday, December 27, 2010

Epiphanies--All Over This Mother Part ? 3, 4?

I forget, but I had a HUGE one today as I soared above Austin. HUGE. HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE. It's no secret I have walls up. We all know and see that. It's no secret I run. We all know that too. What hit me thousands of feet above the ground was this "I'm FUCKING PETRIFIED of anything that I don't have utter and complete control over." So I have been keeping my life very small and safe the last few years. So as this played out in my mind, I wondered "Do I really hate Austin?" Hates a strong word, but I do almost feel hatred at times for it here. I need to let this fully soak in, but I see it permeates every thing. EVERY thing. If it's simple, safe, a sure thing I'm all for it. If not, fuck it. Run on, run on, run on. That's why I need so many new things. I keep looking for new things, they scare me, then I run some more.

I don't know if I'm expressing it well, but it makes total sense to me and now I see it as an epic challenge to myself. Suss out what terrifies me and run toward it (unless it's burning building). Obviously, I'll stay away from the true dangers, but I really need to sack up and face life. Like I used to. I was fearless until Jun 11, 2007 when my life fell apart. I've not been alright since then. I think that what I discovered today, just might be a colossal step back on my former fearless path.

I'll write more about my flying experience tomorrow perhaps. This revelation has been most overwhelming. (but if you go to my yelp account you can read the review of my experience there)

Sunday, December 26, 2010

I Blame Christopher Plummer - Among Others

I started watching "The Sound of Music" when I was the age of the youngest VonTrapp child and now I must be damn close to Capt VonTrapp's age (we shan't go there). Mr. Plummer as Capt VonTrapp was one of my very first crushes and like most of my first crushes, played a character that was a bit of dick. The next one that comes to mind was Rex Harrison as Prof. Higgins in "My Fair Lady". I blame these fictional characters for my love of dickish men. But ohhhh, how I do love them.

Side note. As I grew up traveling with my Grandparents sometimes our birthdays would fall in place around the world we were less than fond of, so we would reserve the right to pick a city that we were going to hit during the particular trip to celebrate our days. I think I picked Salzburg 3 or 4 times (Grandmother & Grandfather did a few times themselves) :)

I guess the copyrights around TSOM are intense because this is THEE best video I could find that showcases an actual song from the film between the Capt and Maria. If I ever remarry, I think I'll sing this song at my wedding. Or that other song that I completely cannot remember at the moment.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

It's a Wonderful Life...

Last night I watched the film with Grandfather. He hadn't seen it in awhile. I've seen it 70,000 times as I love it. But I got a whole new thing out of it last night. I had seen it last week, and didn't get the same message. The reason I got so much out of it was due to my friends. I have never felt so genuinely loved as I do right now. Never. I have had a lot of love in my life, but I couldn't feel it. I had so many walls up. I still have some, but they are crumbing. And I feel love and loved.

At the end of IAWL, George Bailey opens Clarence's book and the attached photo is a screenshot of what he saw. I have been going through so much and nothing has panned out as I hoped, BUT my God, do I have friends. True Friends. And as Clarence said " man is a failure who has friends." That touched me so much last night, I can't even express it.

To all my friends of the past, present, and the future --- I love you.

Friday, December 24, 2010

I'm So Flippin' Happy!!!

Man, have my friends BROUGHT IT the last two days. Seriously, it's been insane how awesome they've been. My Grandparents love them and I love them for being so loving and amazing to the people I love the most. And it's not over yet!!!

Hmmm, Key West is going to have to seriously bring it to win in Austin vs. Key West showdown.

I feel just like the guy in this video except I can't wear my white suits until after Easter...

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Operation: HIDE THE CONTRABAND --- Complete

I hope. Most people I'm sure have to hide things when their parental units visit. I have to do a bit more than that. I have to get cunning. Why? Well let me tell you why.

I had a special, secret, totally innocuous place where I hid my "toys". Well I was in the middle of a crazy move back in FL. I was moving into the house that I would end up leaving to come to Austin. I thought I had allllll the things that needed to be hidden safe and with me. I felt my stomach flip when I saw that 'the stash' was in a batch of stuff that my Grandmother brought over. I was sick, but then assured myself that the move was so crazy she would in no way have any time to go through my things.

I'm settled in to my home. I decide to visit my stash. I open it...MY WEDDING ALBUM WAS SITTING ON TOP OF THE TOYS!!!!!!!!!!

Needless to say, I'm still shaken by this. Extremely shaken. We have never spoken of it in true our family fashion. I just know and really that's all that it takes. That's all it takes.

I DEFY anyone to find anything from the new diversions, because OF COURSE I had to destroy the others.

And now a song from the album "Contraband". See, it all connects.

The False Husband

Where have you been, my darling
Where have you been, my friend
Where have you been, my darling
Where have you been, my friend

A crow flew past my window sill
Stole me away from you until
You change your heart or change your will
Aren't you darling

Where have you been, my darling
Where have you been, my friend
Where have you been, my darling
Where have you been, my friend

And all the while that you would burn
Your tongue was working overtime
Love foregone and life's so good
Aren't you darling

In my words I cherry picked
Something fought and died today
With all our words I care not say
I need you darling

I've been chasing up loftier mountains
Be it against my will
You keep telling me “don't get no higher”
But I'll be higher still

Where have you been, my darling
Where have you been, my friend

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

They Made Up Their Minds...

and they started packing... Hmmm, I'm working on a move to Key West and this is the anniversary of Tony and I packing up, not telling our families where we were going, and moving to California (for the SECOND time). I love I totally forgot about that. I up and go so much that it doesn't even register. At least now I tell people. So that's progress I guess.

Something has come up in Austin though. Might be a rather big opportunity that I'd be stupid to walk away from. Sooooo, I may have to put a pin in KW --- for now. If I get my career on track, that WOULD be worth sticking around for.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Mad As Hell

I'm sure it's been abundantly clear to the regular C-Cham blog reader that I'm angry. I have always had a latent rage. I joke and chalk it up to my South American blood the cliche "Hotted-Headed Latin Temper". This goes beyond that. Something has snapped in me since Wicked & Evil died. I don't necessarily think it's a bad "snapping" either. Sort of a call to action if you will. For what? Well I think to finally live MY life. I spent the first 18 yrs living my parents/grandparents life (really that carries over to the present, but in a less-amplified version). Then I spent the next 15 yrs trying to be whatever the fuck my enigma of an ex-husband wanted. Then the next 3 yrs was just trying to figure out what I wanted, I still don't fucking know. I know I'm angry, -with myself predominately. I'm so head-strong, so how did I get swept along bending to others' will? What is my will? I really am not sure. I have a notion. That's it. Just a notion.

I think I'm just writing this to say to whomever is reading this --- I'm having a really hard time, I know it will be better, but it's not right now and I just need to say that. Every time I try to say this to about 90% of the people I talk to they tell me "not say that", "don't feel that way", "You're so (fill in the wonderful thing about me), you'll be fine". Yes, I know. Every thing WILL be okay. It's not okay now, OKAY? I'm not going to slash my wrists. I'm just trying to say, that things are not fine right now. Not by a long shot. I'm working to make them fine and I hope to Christ that shit starts going my way again, but fucking hell. I just want to be able to say that shit is fucked up right now without the "no, no, no don't say that" retorts.

On the plus side I had a kickass bread pudding tonight from Fresh Plus. Tempted to have it at my party. Seeeeee!!! I'm fine. I still can think about food and parties!! : P

Sunday, December 19, 2010

2011: Things Can Only Get Better - I Hope

Wow, I reread my first post on this blog, and it's absolutely epic my level of obliviousness regarding the pummeling I was about to get as this year played out. So much hope. Just as much as I have for next year. I guess that is what keeps me going. I always do think that things will get better. Well, I think I do. I was talking to Grandmother about one of two things that could keep me in Austin. She said "That could easily happen.". I said, "I'm not expecting it to. Every thing always works out for me, but I never get what I want." I was surprised to hear myself say that. I really meant it too. I am well taken care of, you can't dispute that. Many people think that I'm blessed and, to a degree, I will agree. I never do get what it is I want though. That's frustrating to me.

I love that I was to have lost 50 pounds and instead gained another ohhh 15-20. I need to get that sorted ASAP if I am moving to Key West. Can't be fat there. Here, who cares. I never want to be out doing anything anyway. Grandmother was freaking out on my behalf regarding living on an island and feeling cut off. I DO live on and island and feel cut off. I feel stranded here.

So Universe, either thing #1 or thing #2 had better happen soon because I'm really about done.

(I love these people in this picture. They look so happy with there HUGE medallions.)

Saturday, December 18, 2010

I'm Smart!!!!!

Yes, I'm watching "The Godfather" again. Actually I'm watching II, but you no doubt got that from the quote and pic. Such a great movie. Seeing Pacino and Cazale together makes me want to see "Dog Day Afternoon". I love that film too.

I'm pretending that I'm not going to have company in four days (because I'm not remotely ready). It will sort itself out. Just not sure where everyone will sit. I have a big dining table, but not big enough. So we shall improvise. I have plenty of seating (3 sofas) just not in the form of chairs. Oh well, I'm not going to worry about it (yes, I am). I will figure it out though. Becauuuuse. I'M SMART!!! NOT LIKE EVERYBODY SAYS!!!...

Friday, December 17, 2010

Try Walking in My Shoes

Because I was having a hell of a time today. How do brand new shoes break? I've had favorite shoes that I have worn out break for sure, but this was first for new. I wore them yesterday for maybe a couple hours then the first hour of the day - broken. I bought them a year ago or more so I don't even know who to go back to about them. I mended the broken shoe (that caused me to stumble 4 times) with a gold binder clip, I can't really leave it like that. Of course I really like the shoes. So I don't know what to do. Considering super glue if it's not visible. Don't know if that will work though.

Tough problem, I know.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Scattered Thoughts

How the hell did I accumulate so much stuff again? I'm one woman. ONE. I have so much stuff. I downsized from a 3 bedroom, living room, den, and full dining room back in FL, enough to move into a small one bedroom apt when I moved here. How the hell did I get all this stuff??? This house is full. I'm overwhelmed. If I move, I just want to pack a few sentimental things (since the most my sentiments are negative it should be a light packing) the cat and go. I don't want any encumbrances. If I go. I'm seeing a few good options housing-wise, but as expected, little job-wise. I told Grandmother that I could just open up a little place that rents jet-skis or something. She laughed pretty hard at that. I wasn't really joking. That has an appeal. She also asked me what I would do there. I guess same as I do here, but just on the ocean. I know this is all just a big romantic notion right now, but that's fine. It's mine.

A couple of cool places I saw were in Key Largo and of course I can't get this song out of my head. I was laughing so hard watching this video.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Waited So Long

Man, I went from shitty to giddy today when I decided to really explore moving to Key West. I mean all of my big life goals revolve around living oceanside, but I had it in my mind that would be well in my 40's or 50's. Why? Maybe the time is now. Maybe that's why every thing I try here doesn't pan out. No man, no job, no anything takes off. Perhaps I'm in the wrong place? I don't know. It's a stretch. I'm way in debt and I'd love to get out of it before I move, but maybe that's just an excuse to put off what I should be doing now. I think I'd just sell EVERY THING. Take the cat and the car and this Car and go. It would require the perfect storm of events going just right. If not, then I won't go. I'm not going from what feels like one mistake to another. I'll be smarter this time since my emotions aren't involved. If anything, I'd be tempted to stay as I have come to care about a few people here. So much to ponder. I'll start exploring job options there. I'm thinking that could take a year to find the right opportunity. No doubt it's a "you have to no someone" scenario. No doubt I probably do, I just have to ask my family and except for my brother tonight (who is HELLA on board) I'm not announcing anything.

Perhaps nothing will come of this, of course many scoffed at the notion of me moving to Texas...

Tuesday, December 14, 2010


I'm strongly considering moving back to Florida. Zoe is not that difficult to move and nothing is panning out here. I was going to give Austin five years. I don't think that I will. I'll probably give it through 2011 to see what develops. If nothing, I think it will be time to move on. I'd like to head to California, but with the disastrous career move I made in coming here it will no doubt take me 3-5 yrs to dig out of this massive debt I'm now in. So Florida would be the best bet.

Ohhhh, 2011, please turn it all around.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Champagne Makes Sorrow a Bit Less Sorrowful

Most people drink Champagne to celebrate. I usually drink it to remind me that even when things aren't going my way that this is only temporary. There was something that I really had hoped would happen for me. It would have been a really big opportunity to turn every thing around and it's looking pretty bleak right now. I was going to say that I wasn't that sad, but I teared up writing the last sentence so I'm lying to myself. Christ, I just want to turn this ship around so fucking bad and I really don't know how. I really don't.

But, the champagne that's fizzing ever so slightly next to me reassures me that this too shall pass...

Because It's 6 a.m., and I'm Already in a Sick Mood...

I still can't get over how much he looks like Bale.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

All Men Should Wear Smoking Jackets...

I have several "All Men Shoulds".

Example 1: All men should have beards or at least not shave for several days. It's hot.

Example 2: All men should be 37 or older (it's when the maturity thing really starts working for you)

Well another should is "the smoking jacket". Although in my research for this post I think it needs to be revised to all men 37 and up (35 if you're mature) because all the models wearing them in the photos I saw looked preposterous.

As I stated, I did a bit of research (wikipedia). Did you know that they were designed to protect men's clothing when they smoked? It would absorb the scent and protect from ash. Did you know that Fred Astaire was buried in his? It's true Wikipedia NEVER lies!!

"In the 1850s, the Gentlemen's Magazine of London defined the smoking jacket as a 'kind of short robe de chambre, of velvet, cashmere, plush, merino or printed flannel, lined with bright colours, ornamented with brandenbourgs, olives or large buttons.'" direct quote from Wiki who took it from Derek McCormack's "Consider the Smoking Jacket". Oh, I do, Derek. I do.

So yeah, Men. Be 37 or older, have a beard, and wear a smoking jacket. Although, with the smoking jacket clean shaven might actually be better, unless it's a really rocking beard. One that said, "I'm a professor with tenure". Ohhh, be a professor!! Or some other profession that commands respect or a lumberjack, because they're okay too.

I may need to refine my What Makes a Man list.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Lose the Battle/Win the War

I am anti-microwave ovens. I feel that they make me lazy and that I don't put the proper attention into my cooking when I have one. So unless it's been a built in at the condo or in the apartment I was in when I first moved here I have not had one. Grandmother has DESPERATELY wanted to buy me every time I have been without one. I learned that she was secretly planning on bringing me one a few months back and I freaked out over it.

Well. Today I acquiesce. I have opened up my home from Thursday Dec 23 to Sunday the 26th to all my friends in Austin, so I am going to have to have several things prepared ahead of time. Even for just the family dinners, I really will need one. So Grandmother was once again hot on the trail of finding me one today. She and Grandfather decided though that they are heavy and large and they are already bringing so many things to me that they should buy it online and ship it to me or I should go get it myself. So I went and got it. I went right to the computer, straight to Overstock, and my Cuisinart is on its way.

I plan on having potlucks at my place perhaps once a month in the new year, so it will definitely come in handy. I give in...this time.

Meanwhile I have to figure out what the hell is going on with my oven. I think the maids used something in it last time that's causing the whole thing to smoke up. It's really bad. I guess I need to suck it up and let it burn off. It's setting off the fire alarm and that is alarming to me but more importantly to Zoe. Trying to keep every thing on an even keel over here.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Every Thing IS Beautiful

You know how you have an epiphany and then you sort of forget it, then it comes up again...and again...and again? Well I now have photo I can look at to remind me of this particular one. I constantly have to be reminded that there is beauty all around me - if I just look and am open to it. I'm the sort that gets out of sorts if things are going how I think they should and I fall blind to all the beauty that is around me. I'm then reminded by various people in my life or at times just something in me will shake me and remind me that there is beauty every where.

My friend Amanda's photo that you see here was taken in an HEB (local market) parking lot. I'm still reeling. From the beauty for sure, and then on top of it where she took it. See, I'd have missed this. I hate HEB, with a passion that burns hotter than a thousand suns. So yeah, I'd have not seen this at all. This photo is definitely a reminder that there is beauty all around me. I just need to see it.

For the song, I'm using what to me is THEE most beautiful song ever

Virginia Rodrigues "Deus Do Fogo e Da Justica"

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Selling Out

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Several things have brought up the topic for me lately so since I can't focus on anything else to write about I'll go with this.

I have felt rudderless most of my adult life. I didn't follow my dream, I followed what I was told to do. So I feel that precious little has gone right for me professionally. I mean if you don't give a shit, how can it? I do alright, but that's it. I'm the picture of mediocrity. So how did I get here?

Well a promising young Carla had nothing but time on her little hands in India so she did nothing, but study. She finished all her English & Literature through Grade 12 in her preteens. Don't even remember how early, but early. So her Grandmother figured that we should get the other courses out of the way as well and we could be done with this whole home school thing. I was finished with all high school course work at 14. I started college at 16. At 18, I had my Associates degree. Now what? What do you want to do with your life. I wanted to study film. I took a class and loved it. NOPE!!! They were not paying for anything frivolous. I can respect that, but I could have gotten every single job I ever had if I just had a Bachelors OF ANYTHING. It really mattered very little. So I struggled. I think I had 5 majors. I can't remember. Education, Pre-Law, Pre-Med, Psychology I feel there was another, but I can't even remember now. I was changing majors like they were outfits. I had no idea what I wanted to do. So some big stuff happened that I can't talk about here, and life took a MAJOR detour for me. (This would be the California years). When I eventually come back home to FL, not by choice, I am presented with "You can get your BA in Organizational Management". UNCLE!!!! You win. I will go the practical route.

I have worked one job after another that just feels like it's absolutely raping my soul. I don't know what to do about it though. I really don't. I've now graduated to stop-starting work on my Masters so many times that I have again lost track.

I feel like I sold myself out, but stupidly. I didn't even sell out in something lucrative. Just mediocre. Not that a big payday justifies it, but shit, it helps. So I am in the same quandary today that I was 10 years ago. Will I be singing this same worn out song in another 10 years?

Don't get me wrong. I don't think that if I had stuck to my guns and followed through with Film that I'd be up on stage at the Oscars. I just feel that I short-changed myself and for what? What I do, day in and out is MEANINGLESS. I just don't know what to do to get this back on track, or hell go completely off the tracks. Whatever this is supposed to be in relation to railroad tracks. :)

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

One Loooong Fortnight Lies Ahead

It's that time again. Time to fast. I feel soooo exhausted. I know it's a lot of what has happened the last several weeks, but I need energy. So time to fast. That always makes me feel better. Well eventually. So fair warning. If I curse your mother and the horse you rode in on, I apologize. I'm just hungry.

Today "Inception" comes out. I hope to have it by Christmas weekend (bought it online $9, I'm such a great bargain hunter!!)

The pic is by Suzanne Ives it's called "Fortnight". I really like it.

The song has nothing to do with a fortnight, but feels like she could have used the word "fortnight" in it. Well, I'm just talking out my ass now so I'll stop. Ohhhh, I wonder what my blog posts will be like during the fast!!!

Monday, December 6, 2010

May Their First Child Be a Masculine Child

Can you believe I could find 50 "leave the gun, take the cannoli" clips, but not one of Luca Brasi doing "Don Corleone, I am honored and grateful that you have invited me to your home on the wedding day of your daughter. May their first child be a masculine child." What the hell?

Anyway, I am OVER THE MOON!!!!! My favorite person is with child!!!! No not me. Okay, so my 2nd favorite person is with child. :P

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so excited!!! This is THEE most excited I've ever been hearing someone was pregnant. Normally I'm totally indifferent or moderately pleased. I don't know why it doesn't fill me with the joy that it does most women, but THIS time. This time I'm STOKED!!!! I think because I kind of thought that she and I would be the two who for sure never had kids. Perhaps there is something that affirms that I really might too. Were it not for my 3 yr celibacy stint, I'd be at the drugstore buying a test right now.

Oh my god, I'm really excited!!!! She's going to make THEE best mother. She's the best woman I know.

I don't really know any baby songs other than "Daniel's Song" and I'm not in the mood for mellow. So here's "The Roots"

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Carla Has Mad Enthusiasms for Tonight...

tempered with great sadness as my 1920's underworld fix is coming to an end with "Boardwalk Empire"'s season finale tonight. None the less, I have a NY strip marinating as I type. I'll miss my Sunday night ritual as my HBO Overlords have seen fit to not debut any of my other shows until January. Clearly I have angered the gods as is my want. I shall atone.

Since I was deeply disappointed by DeNiro's "SNL" appearance last night, I am posting his BEST scene in "The Untouchables". I like the "kid" they have playing Capone in "Boardwalk..", but it was making me mental because he's allegedly Capone in his early 20's and every time I look at him I can't shut up that he looks older than me. He is - by a few years. Still he rocks and I told feel like he is Capone now.

"A man become preeminent he's expected to have enthusiasms".

That's eloquence, my Friends. : P

Saturday, December 4, 2010

How Do You Solve a Problem Like Marie/Maria?

I came up with my future daughter's name. I've had my son's name since my teens "Future Baby Max" ("Future Baby" part will not be on the cert), but I have never had my daughter's name. It's rather funny. It's been staring me in the face my whole life as it's also my name. Not Carla. Marie or Maria. My birthname is CarlaMarie, but I changed it to Carla-Maria in my teens and stuck with that until I married and felt Carla went better with my married name and just dropped Marie/Maria.

So I'm loving Max & Marie or Max & Maria. Not sure yet. It will depend on the father's last name I guess. And yes, I am thinking kids again. With the loss of Wicked and Evil, I've noticed that the baby urge has suddenly surfaced.

Friday, December 3, 2010

A Stressful Week Ends Rather Blissfully

It's been a harsh week. Uber harsh, but I'm in a nice, mellow frame of mind tonight so that bodes well for this weekend. My little boy (Evil) will be back home tomorrow. I haven't decided if I'm going to make a shrine to Wicked and Evil or not. Right now I have Wicked's urn and a HUGE bouquet on the bureau that's right at the entrance to my house. I really don't want to freak people out so I don't know that's where he and Evil will remain. Just not sure yet. I broke down when the vet called to tell me she'd be bringing him back tomorrow. Shows me that my brave front is just that. I think there will be a calming effect when they are both home. I just can't shake that I did something wrong that this all happened. I don't know what, and every one tells me not to feel that way. Easy for them to say. I know they mean well, but I do feel that it's somehow my fault. Anyway, it's done.

I was to have had my 1st flying lesson today. I really, really, really want my pilot's license and I'm really, really, really afraid. I got a call about 50 min prior from the pilot that it was very windy (it was, my office is right by the airport) and that he felt for my 1st flight it would be far too choppy. You'd have thought the governor had put a call into the warden 1 minute before the switch was flipped on my ass. I was a mess all day. Sweating, IBS, I haven't had IBS since I was married!!! I did today!!! I was a wreck. Well, I get to relive that all on Dec 23rd. That's when my flight's rescheduled.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Oh Mickey, You *WERE* So Fine

You now blow my mind for all the wrong reasons. I don't think I could see a M. Rourke film in the theatre because I'd be asked to leave due to my incessant gasps and out loud musings as to what wrong. I mean WHAT. WENT. WRONG??????

How do you go from this (which was about my first exposure to anything sexual)

to this

I dig him don't get me wrong, but it's not like he looked like ohhh say Nicholas Cage and now looks like this. He was an Adonis. He is so fine that in college there was a guy named Dave who was a dead ringer for him. He was so fine all the girls just circled around him literally and we called him Mickey. That was his nickname. He offered to relieve me of the tremendous burden of my virginity (ex-husband won that honor) and I actually considered it, because he was THAT fine. I now wonder every time I see Rourke what happened to Dave and more importantly did THIS happen to Dave. I pray not. I PRAY not. and I thank god that I never did it with him because it would a bit like saying I did it with Rourke. Okay, it's really not at all like that, but I'm shivering a bit at the prospect.

I love how I can make this poor man's problems about me. It's really a gift. A shitty, shitty gift.

Why Do I Love This Song So Much?

Ever since I was a kid, I'd get so excited when this part of "Ghostbusters" was on.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Another Bad Year Here

I woke up so happy that December was here. Also relieved that a stinkin' Tuesday went by without a cat dying. Tuesdays are officially not my favorite now. As I thought about the new year coming I said, "This has been a bad year." Then I thought about it for second and followed up with, "Every year here has been a bad year." Then I thought that surly that wasn't the case, but it's the truth. I'm not blaming the location, but I marvel at how it's almost as though fate has completely conspired against me with a few notable exceptions that I can easily count on one hand.

Now I know that sounds pessimistic. Perhaps it is, but I feel I'm an optimist. I always believe things will be better. I'm just really ready for that belief to be validated again. Used to be that it was all the time. Yes, bad things would happen back home, but not with the certainty and severity of the things that have happened to me here. Plus there were pretty steady bright spots in my life back home. Perhaps it was because I was in love. Maybe that made all the difference. Maybe just the fact that I lost my love is what makes it seem that every thing else is so terrible.

Regardless, I truly hope that 2011 brings some awesomeness to counter-balance 2008, 2009, and 2010. I guess that's a TALL order for 2011. I hope that it will deliver though. :)

Ohhhh, finally found the RIGHT lyrics for "Cylons". Apparently a lot of lyrics sites can't hear the words correctly because they have them quite wrong.

I already caused, apparently normal
when you smiled and slowed
but I have important work to carry (sort of speak)
I rarely never hold a job I never finish my work
I'm an affable bomb in this swamp
when hiding is organized, pose, both mellow jerk

you were like an angel
when I first met you
made me feel so good inside
showed me what I can do

it was so beautiful then
we were as one
but now I feel, baby
like something's gone

why don't I love you like I used to do, oh baby, baby x2

It's been so long now
between you and me
I thought I wanted to be part of you
now I want to be free

why don't I love you like I used to do, oh baby, baby
why don't you love me like I want you to, oh baby, my baby

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

I'm A Lot Like You - Evidently

I made a "crime spree" mix this weekend and it's awesome. I don't want to get out of the car even when I get home. As I was driving to work this morning, I was listening to "The Dangerous Type" and I had a pretty big epiphany about myself. It occurred to me that I used to (prior to the Austin move) consort with a nefarious bunch. That's not news, but what is is that I held myself apart as if I was better than them. I really thought I was. The main person of this past association used to accuse me of that. I would of course deny it whenever he'd say that. He was right though. I did think I was better than him. Every one thought I was better than him. I'm no longer so sure. He was at least straight up about being what he was. For the most part, I mean he was a dirt bag in other respects. I notice that I miss the excitement of Florida associations. Life was NEVER dull, or at least it wasn't for long. Now live is very, very sedate. People tease me that I'm in the WPP. I feel like I am at times. My blue (boring) heaven. I guess that's why EVERY story that I start writing in my head is about a woman involved in some crime or another, or on the run. I have no other stories in my head. Nothing fun and life affirming. I guess that's fine for now, but I'm thinking I need to shift from this somehow. Perhaps acknowledging that it was not all him/them is a step. I don't know. We shall see.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Baby Steps/Jumps

I finally found (alright, I knew where it was) my jump rope and started with it tonight. My goal is to get good at it. I mean really good. Like Rocky-good. Okay, even a 1/10 as good as Rocky would make me happy. At first I kept getting tripped up by my hair. It would catch on the rope. Guess it's longer than I realized. Once I put my hair up I was getting stuck around 10 jumps. I finally worked up to 27. So I think I did a good 100 or so tonight, given all my stops and starts. I thoroughly freaked out Zoe. She'll have to get used to it, because I enjoyed it and look forward to getting better and better. Wonder if I'll be in pain tomorrow. Jumping is not something I do frequently.

(I'm high5'ing myself on the photo find for today.)

I just laughed SO hard, picturing myself doing this...

Sunday, November 28, 2010

You Can't Move Forward, Because You Got Your Eyes on the Rear View Mirror

This weekend has been very cathartic on several levels. Believe it or not, I got the most enlightenment from a couple of chick flicks. I'm as shocked as you are.

It started last night with "Leap Year". It was a good reminder to me of how much I used to be like Amy Adams' character. Going to epic lengths to make something that was not really working or worthy of her - "work". Then tonight with "Love Happens". This time I was more like the male lead. Aaron Eckhardt (who I still say is Thomas Jane, seriously, have they ever been seen in the same room as one another?), was a self-help guru who was himself the most in need of help. Someone said the "You can't move forward..." line in the film and that really hit me hard. In a good way.

I have such a hopeful feeling. I think I mentioned that someone suggested to me that W & E's respective passings were perhaps another way of breaking ties with my past. I think he was right. I thought I'd be 50 shades of weepy this weekend and I'm not. Yes, I miss my babies, because they were my babies and could well be my only babies. You know. Tick tock. But I feel they are together now and that I'm freed up to change my life in the way that it's steadily evolving. Changes are clearly coming. I don't know what that means, but it feels good. I have a very hopeful feeling that I have not had in quite sometime.

This version of "Every Day" was on "Love Happens".
I love what these kids did with it in their video. So awesome. I hope they go far.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Leave the Gun, Take the Cannoli

Today marked the 872nd viewing of "The Godfather". No wait. I think I've seen it even more than that. I think this was the first time I saw it without some man pre-quoting every line (that I already pre-quote in my own head). So that was nice.

I have been church hunting this evening. Some of my friends are probably requiring CPR right about now. I know. I never thought I'd go back either. It's not your "normal" church though. These are open and accepting of all (so not like any church I went to as a kid). I just feel the need to be around others who are on a spiritual quest as well. I think I found the one I want to go to. They have a thing called "Mastermind Connection". I am VERY intrigued by this. Here's the link then click on the "seven steps" for details on it. Pretty cool!!!

Between "The Godfather", good Greek food, cool "Top Gear" episodes, and now Mastermind I'm declaring today a very good day.

"Days of Heaven", One of My All Time Favorite Films

Oh my God, I'm so excited to ruin this film for you. I don't know why this film affects me the way that it does, but it DOES affect me. I love every thing about it. The story. The cinematography (won the Oscar). The score (Morricone is GOD and should have won the Oscar {it was nominated}). EVERY THING!!!

I love searching online and reading about all the behind the scenes drama surrounding it. How it took forever to get made. How the scene in which a character dies and you see him fall in the water was actually shot in Sissy Spacek's (who was not even in the movie) living room in a large aquarium. How Gere did "Days..." and then went to do "Looking for Mr. Goodbar" and that movie was shot and released whilst Malick was still editing "Days...". I love it!!!

Here's where I will ruin the film for you, so stop now if you want to see it: No? Okay. Here we go.

Gere was a Chicago factory work who quarreled with his boss and struck and killed him. So his little sister and girlfriend (Brook Adams) head down to Texas (is this were I got the idea to run to TX?). They take work on a farm owned by Shepherd's character. Gere and Adams pretend to be siblings so as not to cause scandal. Gere overhears Shepherd speaking with his doctor and learns that he has a year to live. Gere decided Adams should marry him and they will get the fortune when he dies. (Shepherd is "the richest man in the Texas panhandle). So they marry and the guy DOESN'T DIE!!! Over time Shepherd picks up on what EVERY ONE else notices at first glance, that Gere/Adams are a couple and he goes after Gere. Gere kills Shepherd. Shepherd's right hand man (who has had his eye on Gere the whole time) goes after Gere and Gere is killed (he's the one that was in Spacek's aquarium.

So it's a really simple story, but it's so compelling - to me anyway. I love the looks of the film. It's set in the TX panhandle, but filmed in Canada. I love the lack of dialogue. There is far too much talking in a lot of films. This one is sparse on the chit chat. Good. Morricone's score is breathtaking as always. I'm a BIG Morricone fan.

If this film is on (it was last night), I have to watch it. Like I said. I don't know why it affects me so, but it does.

Friday, November 26, 2010

The Awakening Heart

I've been doing a lot of reading, reflecting, and visioning in regards to love. I am seeing more and more that I'm surrounded by love as opposed to it being this elusive prey that I have been forever hunting. This makes me very happy. I still wonder though if there will be "The One" for me. I know there will be "the next one", but "THEE ONE". Does he exist?

I was reading today "...boredom and monotony do not exist in real love...". That really got me to thinking. Was what I once truly thought was real love even real love? I was really never that bored as I NEVER knew what I was going to get with the former object of my affections. He was volatile to say the least. Still was that real love? I don't know. I hope that someday I experience a love that will answer that question for me. That it will be so magnificent and completely different from Husband #1 that there will be no doubt in my mind what real love is.

Poet And Didn't Know It...

but my feet show it because they are Longfellows. : P

I'm awakened by a sentence.

"Your compassion (uncommon kindness) lays siege to the walls guarding (around) my wounded (broken) heart."

I got up and wrote the sentence minus the parts in parentheses and then I've been mulling changing it to the parts in parentheses. I'm sure you got that without me saying that, but I'm exhausted and feel I need to overly explain myself.

I was thinking of one person in particular. I want to write a poem for someone, but then I reflected yesterday on how wonderful the people in my life are. Most I know in person. Some I don't. Some I hope to get to know better, but all so kind, caring, and supportive. I know if I truly needed help they would be there for me.

The loss of my boys, especially Wicked, tore open a massive wound of the past and left me extremely vulnerable. Not to worry though. It finally does not feel dangerous to feel vulnerable. Okay, it feels LESS dangerous. I still have the need to protect myself. Hard to unlearn defense mechanisms that served me so very well in my past life. I'm trying though.

I don't want to be cut off from people who care about me and I them. I sent out a text message to a handful of people who for one reason or several mean a lot to me. It was so awesome the responses I got back. Made me think, "Why wait till Thanksgiving to tell those you care about that you are thankful for them?" I'm going to practice gratitude far more. I've taken some hard hits the last few years and have lost sight of the fact that I truly am blessed still. I just have not been blessed in the way I thought I would be so it looked off or wrong to me. It kind of reminds me of that line from "Stop and Stare". "You'd give anything if it was fair, but fair ain't what you really need." I think I get that now.

So, Dear Reader, allow me to tell you that I'm thankful for you too. I wish I could know who you all are. I know you are scattered far and wide. Brazil, Russia, Denmark, S. Korea, France, Italy, Germany, Lithuania, and of course the US and these are just a few places that I consistently see on the stats. I wonder about you. Who are you? What do you do? What are you going through? I don't know exactly what keeps 30-60'ish people coming back day after day, but I thank you. This blog has been soooo helpful to me. There is something freeing about writing and knowing that someone out there is reading it.

Well, I think I'll leave you with a little Oingo Boingo to show you my "Gratitude".

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Officially The Hardest Song To Find...

Okay, 2nd because I did find it and I still can't track down Freddie Filter's "Pistol Whipped" a remix of Sex Pistol's "Anarchy in the UK". So 2nd hardest. I'd still love to download it but whatever. I at least have youtube. I'm dying of suspense. Will the embedding be disabled when I go to post this????

Emer Kenny - Heaven

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

I Went Wandering

This is a very intense time of year for me. Three years ago I came to Austin to scout it out (before formally departing 2 months later), but truthfully it could have been any place. I was frantically trying to escape my old life and run to something better. I have been hit hard by the loss of my boys in the last few weeks, but as my Guru pointed out, maybe it's another part of letting go of my old life. Also as my good friend pointed out today, "SO much has happened in this time!!!"

As I was getting ready to leave, I cannot tell you how often I played this song. Over and over and over and over again. I was so psyching myself up for the move. I still marvel at how I did it. The hold the old life had on me. How did I do it? My grandmother says, "You were driven, I've never seen anything like it." I'd be surprised if the drive from Orlando to Austin has ever been done that quickly and with only one bathroom break. I was definitely driven.

So as I shed two very strong ties to the past, I can't help but wonder - "What does the future hold?" I think some really amazing things.

I went out walking
Through streets paved with gold
Lifted some stones
Saw the skin and bones
Of a city without a soul
I went out walking
Under an atomic sky
Where the ground won't turn
And the rain it burns
Like the tears when I said goodbye
Yeah I went with nothing
Nothing but the thought of you
I went wandering

I went drifting
Through the capitals of tin
Where men can't walk
Or freely talk
And sons turn their fathers in
I stopped outside a church house
Where the citizens like to sit
They say they want the kingdom
But they don't want God in it

I went out riding
Down that old eight lane
I passed by a thousand signs
Looking for my own name

I went with nothing
But the thought you'd be there too
Looking for you

I went out there
In search of experience
To taste and to touch
And to feel as much
As a man can
Before he repents

I went out searching
Looking for one good man
A spirit who would not bend or break
Who would sit at his father's right hand
I went out walking
With a bible and a gun
The word of God lay heavy on my heart
I was sure I was the one
Now Jesus, don't you wait up
Jesus, I'll be home soon
Yeah I went out for the papers
Told her I'd be back by noon

Yeah I left with nothing
But the thought you'd be there too
Looking for you

Yeah I left with nothing
Nothing but the thought of you
I went wandering

For All of You Trying to Sneak Past the TSA Today :)

Love Orbital's version of "The Saint"

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

RIP: Evil Boo-Boo, Four Weeks w/o Wicked Was Long Enough

April 1999 - Nov 23, 2010.

Four weeks to the day, Evil died in my arms just as his brother did. Man, he FOUGHT it though. He really did. That was rough. So odd to have someone who means the world to you die with their heart next to yours. Then to have that happen exactly 4 wks later - surreal. He's lying on the futon now, just as Wicked was. I have the call in to the vet to come get him. Doing the first round of what I anticipate will be an absolutely epic laundry day. Nothing helps me when all hope is gone quite like cleaning. It's only been an hr and 1/2 ago so I know I'm in shock. Right now I just feel dead inside.

I think I'm going to start listing all my furniture for sale. With rapidly shifting from 3 cats down to 1, I feel the need to downsize and get ready to make a move. Don't know if I will or not, but THEE two obstacles to me picking up and leaving are now gone.

We'll see. I did say I'd give it 5 years, but as this weekend marks the anniversary of my trip out here to scout this place out, I can't help but reflect on the INSANE amount of shit that has gone wrong. I know that's just the grief talking, but it is talking LOUDLY to me. I wonder what would have happened if I had never come here.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Apparently I Was Hitler in a Past Life

Why else would I be losing both boys within 4 wks of one another. I truly thought that Evil died in my arms last night, but he didn't. Somehow he soldiered through. The vet was here this morning. She's not 100% sure what his deal is, but it does seem similar to Wicked and we know how that ended. I find it eerie that it was 4 wks ago today that she was here for Wicked. I'm about 90% convinced that Evil will die too. I'm trying to be optimistic, but it's hard. He is having a hard time breathing and he keeps crying for me or whenever he moves. I don't know what will happening, but positive vibes are greatly appreciated. If it's his time then it's his time. I always said that if Wicked went first that Evil would not be far behind. I just didn't know it would be so soon. Last night when I was convinced I was losing him I kept telling him it was okay for him to go play with his brother. He's a fighter though. Maybe he will pull through. But will I? I can't fucking take much more and I am not exaggerating. I'm about done.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

"You Got It, Mister...

I'm yours. All of me. What else can I say?" I'm putting that in my wedding vows next time around.

Nothing like "Young Frankenstein" to pull me out of my slump. Well that and 86'ing a few things/people that weren't working.

The Verve - Weeping Willow

Friday, November 19, 2010

It's a Weekend of Soul-Searching at Chez Sidhom

BIG thanks to all who have reached out to me. I'm fine. I promise. Just a lot of things are no longer working for me and I have to sort out what I'm going to do about that. I find this fitting given that next week marks the 3 yr anniversary from my growing the balls to go check out a town I had never been in before and then deciding that 2 months later I would pack up all I owned and move there not really knowing anyone here.

I have searched high and low trying to find my purpose and really to find myself. I'm absolutely exhausted. So I am giving myself permission to drop out and restructure and resurrect something from these ashes. I have a feeling something HUGE is going to come from this. The epic amount of pain I'm in surely will give rise to something amazing. It fuckin' A, better!!!!

Thursday, November 18, 2010

This Won't Hurt

I did something very, very, very, very hard for me tonight, but I feel it's necessary. I dropped out of the course I am in. I'm so overwhelmed with everything happening right now that I feel like I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. My heart has hurt since yesterday (happens when I'm ROYALLY stressed out).

Next step. Extricate myself from the really big problem.

If I could walk away from the love of my life who I was with my whole adult life, I can truly walk away from anything. I was just trying to stick things out. It's not even a relationship so it should be no sweat. Yet it kind of is. But I really am miserable. I see that now/again.

I listen to this song (Potlach's "Sleep at the Swamp") over and over and over when I'm supremely stressing. Helps every time.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

We Got Lots of Signs - Signs and More Signs

You gotta make up your mind...

Well I sure do anyway. I had yet another massive punch to the gut regarding something that I'm trying to make work, but JUST IS NOT WORKING.

I even went to a psychic today about it, but I had no cash on me and she didn't take a credit card. She asked if I wanted to go to an ATM. I said, "No. It's a sign that it's not meant to be."

Excited to see where the new road takes me.

"Life is one BIG road..."

Monday, November 15, 2010

CB's Christmas Brought To You This Year By CB

So it's that time of year again where I stress out over my own little personal game of one-up-manship in the gift giving department. I usually BRING it with the gift giving and hear about it all year how much whatever I got was THEE perfect thing so the pressure is always on to top myself. I love when I can turn to a single place for everyone's gift, but that's not always possible. This year for CB's gifts it's CB (I'm CB, well I was when I had my maiden name). I think last year was Pottery Barn. I seem to alternate each year. Some gifts I'll have to go elsewhere if there is a particular something I need for someone. So far I have found 11 gifts so that's a huge load off. I really marvel out how I can make "fun" stressful, but I sure can.

There is a woman on PBS right now, who looks like an elf. Seriously. She really does.

Speaking of elves, zombies, yeah, that wasn't smooth. Anyway, not a fan. Don't get the zombie hype, but I'm trying to get into "The Walking Dead" since Frank Darabont is making it and AMC has done well by me with "Mad Men" and "Breaking Bad". I'm not sure if I'm going to like it though. I did like this song at the end of episode one though. :)

January 5th, You Can Not Get Here Too Soon...

That's when my STUPID eHarm subscription finally runs out. I'm glad I did it. It serves as yet another reminder that I know what works for me, and just because a lot of other people dig it doesn't mean it's going to work for me. I find I get annoyed every time someone tries to talk to me. It all seems so fake. Everyone saying what they ought to say with a bunch of photos showing that they are well-off, well-traveled, and / or "out-doorsey". My eyes are tired from rolling.

Never again. And I swear to God, if the eharmonazi who posted an advert for the site the last time I wrote about it appears again, I'm going freak the fuck out on you. It's my opinion. I need in person chemistry to be interested in someone not online "chemistry".

Howard knows what I'm talking about!!!!

Sunday, November 14, 2010

"Just Candles And Wine"

Lots to talk about, Folks. Lots and lots. I'll try to keep to the highlights of what's been traipsing about my brain.

First and foremost, I'm in like Flynn with the Introduction Leaders Program!!! Now I'm just stressing about the travel involved. Who will take care of my pets? How can I get to these places w/o breaking the bank? I trust these matters will all sort themselves out. Meanwhile I'm a wee bit nauseous from worrying about it. Just a wee bit.

Dream life has been very lively lately. Very lively indeed. I told a friend about a few of the dreams as they all pertain to one person and she loved this part - the guy was having a hard time and asked if he could come over. I said of course and asked if he needed anything. He answered "Just candles and wine." That was pretty awesome. I really love the dialogue in my dreams sometimes.

I keep having visuals and more than that SENSATIONS about a house. I see parts of it so clearly and I see myself there with a family. It has a very heavy almost Medieval feeling, but the house is in no way oppressive. Quite the contrary, it feels like home. I was trying to find photos on line to represent what I'm seeing in my mind, but no luck so far. The pic I'm posting is by Arturo Montanelli. This house overlooks Lake Como. Rough, huh? I saw this picture and almost came (all the photos of it were spectacular). However, not at all the house in my vision. My house looks very similar to one house in particular in Orlando, but it's not that house. Just resembles it. I'll find it, damn it, I'll find it!!!!

This weekend went by crazy fast, but it was a good one. Ready for the week ahead. Now to go make my NY strip and settle in with "Boardwalk Empire". The perfect ending to any weeekend.

I dig, dig, dig, dig, DIG the title of this song. Why can't all song titles be this cool?

...I've Been Bad!!...

Soooo digging this song. If you wonder where I get all the songs I post (pretend you were wondering) it's either from the end credits of a lot of my favorite shows (usually HBO/Showtime's original programming) or commercials (I'll be posting one from the latest Buick commercial that is in my head in the next day or two) or I stumble upon them when I change the songs on my playlist to the right. That is the case with this one. I was looking up Lindstrom's songs as I was listening to him on Rhapsody all day at the office and then I switched to MSTRKRFT. I soooo dig this remix of theirs.

Should I place a bet as to whether or not the embedding has been disabled? I never know until I post the damn thing. :)

Friday, November 12, 2010

For The First Time...

I feel love. Really feel it. All around me. Love toward the people I see at the post office. In the car at the traffic light next to me. In the eyes of those faces I see every day. It's palpable yet I never felt it before. I never saw. I wanted to see. At times the veil would lift briefly and I'd catch a glimpse. Then it would fall again and I'd descend into my personal darkness.

But something has shifted. Profoundly shifted. The girl who so hated people. Was so terrified of all, but a few who proved their worth, is now transformed. and for the first time, she feels love...

Thursday, November 11, 2010

I Speak "Crazy"

My best friend has frequently told me that I should watch "Flipping Out". It's show about this HOT (of course he's gay) guy who is massively gifted at refurbishing homes and then selling them. She said that I would love his personality. Do I EVER. I sooooo get him. He hasn't done one thing yet that I think is out of line. He is eccentric, yes. The guy is brilliant though. I can't stand all the nit-wits around him, but he seems to love them. Love is blind, because these fools need to be kicked to the very posh curbs that his properties are on.

He is so my new favorite thing. His eye for detail. His stress-outs. His love for his pets. His heat. Yeah. I dig this 'crazy' dude.

Speaking of "Crazy". I'll go crazy if the embedding is disabled.

LOVE This Song, But It's Always So Hard For Me to Find

Of course the embedding is disabled.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

I Must Be Serious, My Legs Are Paralyzed...

Tonight's class was AWESOME. I got up and shared about my breakthrough aka "the miracle". That's what our class leader called it. It does feel like a miracle and tonight just now, Grandmother called it that as well. :)

I had an orientation for the Introduction Leadership Program. Whoa. No wait. BIG WHOA. It will start March 4 and go to Oct 14. I'll have to go back to Florida, leave it to Landmark to force me back home. They will also force me to Atlanta and Houston. Not super-psyched about that, but I'll just have to get over that. So it's March in Lauderdale, May in Atlanta, June in Houston, and July back in Lauderdale with about a zillion trips to somewhere between here and San Antonio almost every week. What I'll be getting out of it all is going to be HUGE. So huge. I will need to reference this post in Jun when I'm sick of it and want to quit.

I had to submit an application so I'm not "in" yet. I have an interview on Saturday. Wish me luck!!!

Happy Wednesday!!!

I woke up all excited today. I will learn about perhaps the next step for me with Landmark tonight. It's a 6 month program (which I do find a bit daunting) and you have to be interviewed to even get into it. I don't think tonight's the interview. I think it's just an informative sort of meeting. I'll be glad to know what all it entails. Our class leader made it seem INNNNNTENSE. Well I seem to struggle with just the normal stuff so I'm a bit trepidatious about it. Anyway, I'll know better after tonight. I'm stalled with my application form. I need to get that done today!!!

I'm apparently so excited I just spilled coffee all over my desk. Oh well. It will smell like Maple/Pecan Coffee now. So that's a win!!! I remember when I spilled an entire cup of coffee over my Blackberry (yeah, STILL works). It smelled like coffee and made me want coffee for over a month.

Today's song I heard on Stewert/Colbert's Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear.

I really loved it. "Open up this is a raid..." GREATNESS :)

Have an awesome day :)

Tuesday, November 9, 2010


I got some invaluable coaching last night from the leader of my Self Expression & Leadership Program. It was HUGE actually. Still processing it all as it took away a major burden that I've been carrying for a good 17 years now. In lieu of carrying around my horrible burden, I created the possibility for myself and my life of BEING INSPIRING!!! I love it. So look out. I'm going to inspire you. Perhaps not tonight though as I'm really quite exhausted. :)

As if the afore mentioned awesome wasn't enough she also told me to stop stressing out about what it is I'm supposed to be doing. She told me to "listen" and I'll know it when I find it.

Then this morning, I rediscovered one of my favorite songs on a cd I made 4 yrs ago that I happened to have put in my car on Saturday.

Ecoute :) (it means "listen" in French- see THREE years of it in college and abroad paid off!!!)

Listen to the rhythm, listen to the rhyme
Listen to the clock tick tock the hands of time
Ticking, tocking, constantly revolving
Listen to the problems of the world who need solving
Listen to the child crying in the crib
And listen to the sick act that the Daddy did
See Daddy turned his back on all of his responsibilities
Listen how Mummy copes to the best of her abilities
Listen to the cliche rapper that's braggin
Listen to the mother who is always nagging
Her son to get up and do something with his life
Listen to the vows when ya marrying ya wife
Listen to the scream of a mother giving birth
Listen to the sorrows of our Mother Earth
Listen to the beggarman begging in the street
Please can you spare some change so i can get some food to eat
Listen to the plight of the homeless
And if you listen to the pessimists everything's hopeless
Listen to your heart, listen to your soul
Listen to your conscience, let it take control
And just listen

Listen, Listen, Listen.

coute la palombe, paisible dans le ciel
coute aussi la balle qui lui dchire les ailes
Qui est l'animal, l'oiseau ou le tireur
Ou celui qui vend l'arme, qui lui dchire le cœur
coute le dernier 'pff' d'un soldat inconnu
coute tomber les larmes d'une femme que l'on fait cocu
coute le consensus dans son entourage
Il tait consciencieux quelle force et quel courage
coute plutt le 'bzz' des ailes de l'abeille, l'essentiel est le miel
coute aussi le 'pshit' que fait l'insecticide
Comme dans le monde actuel elle a choisi le gnocide
LePen trane sa haine malsaine
coute plutt ton cœur pas la flamme de la haine
coute plutt le Bon, pas la brute ou le truand

coute ce qui apaise, coute moi ce son

Ecoute, Ecoute, Ecoute.
Listen to the fascists looking for your vote
Listen how he gets some with a scapegoat
He sees your tears and plays on your fears
Till his promises become music to your ears

coute le clic-clac d'une paire de menottes
Le systme est malade mais est-ce bien l'antidote ?
coute la sirne qui file dans le domaine, la haine est la mme, mme dans ce domaine

Listen to the horrors my people saw
Listen to the politics of the gulf war
Place all the blame and name Hussein insane
Listen how he said two can play the same game

coute le chant du coq, le solfge il s'en moque
coute le chantage des rois du bavardage
coute le tonnerre, prs vert, guerre la guerre
coute le croyant quand il fait sa prire.

Ecoute, Ecoute, Ecoute.