Monday, December 20, 2010

Mad As Hell

I'm sure it's been abundantly clear to the regular C-Cham blog reader that I'm angry. I have always had a latent rage. I joke and chalk it up to my South American blood the cliche "Hotted-Headed Latin Temper". This goes beyond that. Something has snapped in me since Wicked & Evil died. I don't necessarily think it's a bad "snapping" either. Sort of a call to action if you will. For what? Well I think to finally live MY life. I spent the first 18 yrs living my parents/grandparents life (really that carries over to the present, but in a less-amplified version). Then I spent the next 15 yrs trying to be whatever the fuck my enigma of an ex-husband wanted. Then the next 3 yrs was just trying to figure out what I wanted, I still don't fucking know. I know I'm angry, -with myself predominately. I'm so head-strong, so how did I get swept along bending to others' will? What is my will? I really am not sure. I have a notion. That's it. Just a notion.

I think I'm just writing this to say to whomever is reading this --- I'm having a really hard time, I know it will be better, but it's not right now and I just need to say that. Every time I try to say this to about 90% of the people I talk to they tell me "not say that", "don't feel that way", "You're so (fill in the wonderful thing about me), you'll be fine". Yes, I know. Every thing WILL be okay. It's not okay now, OKAY? I'm not going to slash my wrists. I'm just trying to say, that things are not fine right now. Not by a long shot. I'm working to make them fine and I hope to Christ that shit starts going my way again, but fucking hell. I just want to be able to say that shit is fucked up right now without the "no, no, no don't say that" retorts.

On the plus side I had a kickass bread pudding tonight from Fresh Plus. Tempted to have it at my party. Seeeeee!!! I'm fine. I still can think about food and parties!! : P

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