Saturday, July 13, 2013

Rapid Descent into Madness

Once I make up my mind, I'm a runaway train. Unfortunately this means my mind won't turn the fuck off for me to get any sleep. I got some yesterday between the hours of 8am to Noon. I have been up ever since. I have researched it all. Houses near potential job. Sailboats. MeetUp Groups. MeetUp Groups for Sailing. Dudes. Dudes who Sail.

I'd really like to get some sleep. Brain says, "No."

Thursday, July 4, 2013

Self Reflection: Leaving Austin

The end of July will mark the 5 & 1/2 yr point of my time in Austin. I moved here vowing to "give it five years". I felt that was sufficient time to make a break with what I was running from and sufficient time to find something to hold me here.

I don't know how I feel about my time in Austin. The first 2 yrs I definitely felt I made a huge mistake. Nothing was going right for me. Then something that I thought was magical happened. I was wrong, but it strung me along for bit of the journey here. Then the latter part has really been total and complete shit. No one in their right mind would dispute that. It's bordering on comical how wrong my life has gone. So I gave notice that I would not be renewing my lease on Monday. Barring some wonderful job falling out of the sky, I'm definitely out of here around Labor Day.

I keep trying to explore how I feel about all this. I can't really tell just yet. I guess because it's not 100% done. I have two recruiters trying to entice me with two different positions here. Given the last 9 months of excitement and let down in the job search, I have zero expectations. So if something comes through that's great. If not, oh well. The question is - do i even want anything to come through? I don't think that I do. I really think I'm ready to go. I know I'm leaving Austin. It's not my town. Cool town, but just not for me. So it's a question of when and not if I'm going. I just hate having to get rid of all my stuff (I'm not moving shit this time!!!) and packing up the cats and driving all night. I know it's not really that big of a deal, but it's like my Vietnam. It's absolutely hellish for me.

All that aside, the big question(s) - what was the point of it all? Why did the last 5.5 yrs happen to me? What did I learn? Am I a better person? Am I a worse person? Will I look back on this someday and laugh? (Cause I'm NOT laughing right now) Could I not have learned all I did here elsewhere and been a bit happier? Would all 3 of my cats have passed away if I hadn't brought them here?

I could pontificate (and my close friends will tell you that I do - DAILY) on all the possible answers to these questions. I suppose the answers will reveal themselves in time. Or they won't. Maybe it meant nothing. Maybe it was just 5.5 of my PRIME years wasted in the wrong place and time wasted on the wrong men. That's the fear. Because that's how it feels. I feel like a fool right now.

This is DEFINITELY not my finest hour.