Friday, February 22, 2013
I have been a tourist my whole life. Never putting down roots, always moving on. The way I grew up was very gypsy-esque. I don't mind it. I sometimes did at the time. I craved having friends that I could be with on a consistent basis, but that was not possible. As a result, I was GREAT at making instant 'friends'. I also knew though that I'd probably never see them again. If I had facebook back then, it might have been a different story.
I think this affected my choice in mates. Always picking those who allowed me in - as a tourist - in their lives. I was a sight-seer on a temporary visa. Little more than that. Most notably the relationship with my ex-husband (even Citizenship can be revoked) fits this mold. I heard this song today that really sums it all up. All I got were his copied keys...
Kathleen Edwards "Copied Keys"
This is not my town and it will never be
This is our apartment filled with your things
This is your life, I get copied keys
Try and force a little smile, hold it a little while for you
These are your old streets and you know them well
One way shortcuts all the way downtown
But your favorite find is just my secondhand secret
Try and hide a little pain for the things I can't explain to you
These are your good friends and I like them fine
'Cause they are your past and present time
But would you even be the same if you left them behind
All the things I used to be, all the things I miss of me for you
'Cause these are your good friends and I like them fine
These are your old streets and you know them well
This is not my town and it will never be
And it will never be and it will never be
And it will never be and it will never be ours, ours
Anyway, I have moved on from him to other sights. I keep moving from one to the next; seeing something that catches my eye and holds my attention for a season or two. Always secretly hoping something would 'stick'. The latest one holds more promise than others in recent history. I have no illusions though - I'm sure I'll be wandering on like the Nomad I clearly am...
Monday, February 18, 2013
I am an enigma to myself. Carla the Conundrum. I can't figure out what I want approx 99% of the time. I think that I want love, but then I clearly go out of my way to select men who are unavailable in a variety of ways either geographically, emotionally, or because they are already with someone.
As I set myself up for my next fall, I am asking myself "What the FUCK???" yet again. By now, I know what I do. I see what I do. I lust for The Chase. That I see very clearly. It fuels me. I am more productive in my writing. I light up. I feel like I'm more in Flow when I'm in pursuit. When it all goes wrong is usually when I have gotten what I want or I'm getting close to it or I have gotten close enough to see it's not what I thought it was.
I was talking to my ex-husband a week ago (before we stopped speaking to one another again - he was going to come visit and I picked a fight -SHOCKER) and he said something really interesting. I was breaking down for him why I was no longer into someone that I had been SUPER interested in. I told him all the reasons why. He said, "That's not why." I was thrown and annoyed, "Well FINE. YOU tell me why I'm not interested in him anymore!!" Ex, "You figured him out. He no longer intrigues you. As soon as someone is not a mystery to you anymore you are done with them." This floored me for several reasons. I never knew that he paid that much attention to me. The BIG reason though - I think he's right. I think that is my problem.
So I know the problem, I think. What is the solution? Endless futile pursuits of men that I don't really want to ever catch? I mean, maybe that is MY answer. Why is it whenever I see people's wedding pics I get scared and ask "What the hell are you guys doing?" Conversely, why is it with a select, few people that seem magical together that I cheer for them and secretly hope that they are together till the end?
Sometimes I think that an open marriage might work for me. Then I ask, "Why even get married?". I also ask, "Why does any of this matter?" "Why are you trying to fit yourself into a box that Conventional Society thinks you should be in when you shun most of Conventional Society's norms?"
There are no easy answers to any of this. I know I'm not alone in it. I see others play this out, but I usually see it in men. So I feel strange. I am sure other women are just like this, but they never share it with me if they are.
I need to make peace with this, but where is the fun in that? :)
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Mr. Ball, you have given me much entertainment in the Vampire Porn that is "True Blood", and I am grateful for the insane number of fantasies you have fostered by introducing me to Alexander Skarsgård and Joe Montessori? Monticello? Mangia?* - Hot Italian who plays Alcide who is so hot I can't contain both the image of him and his correct name in my brain.
As if all this was not enough fuel for my fire, you gave me "Banshee". Between Antony Starr, Ulrich Thomsen, Hoon Lee (especially in drag), Ben Cross (whom I've loved since I was a kid) and even Ivana Millicevic (because she is stunning and I believe she could save me if the shit went down) my cup runneth over - sorry for that image. I have enjoyed the bounty that is "Banshee" - until last night.
Last night you did what was the impossible. You made me hot for an albino. An albino. Do you know how much I love the sun? My nickname used to be "The Sun Goddess of Park Lake". What would an albino and I have in common? What would a vampire and I have in common you might ask? We love to wear black, brood, and be sexy, so there is commonality there. I love silver, garlic, my reflection, and sun so those would be our challenges to overcome. Also, I'm relatively certain they are figments of our sexy imaginations. Albinos are real!! Now, I have to deal with the fact that maybe there is a hot albino out there for me. I have shit to do, Mr. Ball. I don't need sexy Albinos in my head, but it's too late.
If you come up with a show with a hot mole-man, you and me are THROUGH!!!!
*Manganiello - I looked it up.
Friday, February 15, 2013
- you'll never work a day in your life. OR - the money will follow.
You hear variations of this notion quite often, especially if you're a Self-Help devotee like me. I strived to achieve this when I became a Life Coach close to 4 years ago now. That was "what I loved" and I DO love doing it. I still do it here and there. Never seen a dime from it. I think I like it better that way. I don't know if it would be as special to me if I took payment for it. I'm not saying it wouldn't be. I just don't know.
The reason for my post is not about what I thought I would love to do. It is for what I usually do Credit/Collections Manager. I got into this field back in my California days. I helped someone start his own agency. It was SUPER small scale, but I gained a lot of experience and an impressive entry on the old CV for someone who was in her very early 20's at the time. This led to me being pigeon holed in the Credit/Collections world with a couple small exceptions.
At some point in the last 5 years I made peace with the fact that, even though my degree in Management is rather broad-based, I was in a niche and needed to accept that. So I did. No biggie. This is what I do. I'm getting better and better at it. Done it for 4 different industries now. Have a vision of where I can go with this and it's a pretty nice payday.
I've been out of work for the last few months now, and as I learned in my time in Austin, I'm in the WRONG town for what I do. I was even told by a recruiter "You have the best resume I've seen for what you do. The problem is - you are in the wrong market,there are NO jobs for that here." So it's a been a struggle here. I had an interview yesterday that really excited me. Like I didn't sleep a minute last night I was so excited about the prospect. As I was making dinner last night, I was staring into my refrigerator and said "Oh my God, I AM doing what I love. WHEN THE F__ DID THAT HAPPEN???"
So yeah, don't know when that happened, but it apparently has. That which I used to hate became something I'm getting better and better at and now - apparently even get excited about.
Who'd have thunk it?
Thursday, February 14, 2013
This is my 37th Valentine's Day. I have mixed feelings about this day. I DO agree that it's a commercialism nightmare. How many trinkets, baubles, chocolates, flowers, dinners do we really need? Yet, we're made to feel like we are missing something if we don't have the day acknowledged in some form or fashion.
I thought I was above all this nonsense until last year when my live-in bf did NOTHING for the day. He thought because of my hatred of conventionality that zero acknowledgment of the day was the way to go. We both learned he was wrong. I was STUNNED how upset I was. As I told him, "You're a writer, you couldn't have written something nice to me?" That was yet another great reminder that I never feel more alone than when I'm "with" someone. For my part, I was unemployed (I know right?) and he was using my car to get to his job. So I walked to the store and got all the makings of a romantic dinner and a sweet card. This, of course, made his grievous error all the more painful.
This year, I expected nothing from today since I am unattached, but was very pleasantly surprised by several gestures done for me. Text messages of "Happy Valentine's Day", thoughtful emails, and my favorite of all a Sonnet by Shakespeare - that is all I want. I don't want things. I was with someone who liked to buy my love. You can't. Mine's not for sale. I just want a sweet, thoughtful gesture. I'm really a cheap date. :)
I'm in a weird place right now. Trying to figure out if I really want to be with anyone or not. Seeing I have people in my life who make me feel not alone even though I'm not tied to them makes me think that I could have the best of both worlds if I just embrace solitude and yet keep my heart open to the love around me. I don't know. The bottom line has not been written. All I know is that for me, it is the thought that counts. As long as I have people in my life thinking of me and DEMONSTRATING that - I'm quite satisfied.
Happy Valentine's Day to you all. I, more than likely, love you in my own weird little way. <3
Friday, February 1, 2013
Lather, Rinse, Repeat. Lather, Rinse, Repeat. Laaaather. Riiiiinse. Repeeeat. The tedium of it all is sometimes overwhelming to me. I may be in a different shower, in a different apartment, in a different city, in a different state, in a different country even. There are some things that will send me into the depths of despair OR might make the whole thing worth hanging on to - depending on my outlook on any given day.
Some days, I find the minutia beautiful. Some days, I find it unbearable. What's it all about, why are we here, does it even matter? I think that it does, sometimes, to you, to me. I think we are inherently narcissists trying to rationalize our importance. I think each person derives their own meaning. Sometimes I thing I'm close to finding mine, and others I feel hopelessly adrift - no closer to my purpose today than the day I was born.
We soldier on though, don't we? Someone of great importance to me sent me a very interesting video today of Christopher Hitchens. He was talking about his Atheist friends who envy those who still have faith in God. Then he asked why they envied being enslaved to an idea. That really hit me as I am one who envies my former, oblivious self. I don't know how to transition form someone who was taught to be hooked on a mythical notion to being a freestanding-face-the-good-face-the-bad person.
Just my thoughts tonight. Take them in. Spit them out. Do with them what you like...