Sunday, September 20, 2015

Soooooooooooo, It's Been Awhile...

Well, well, well. Oct 2013 was my last post. What's happened since then? ummmm, EVERY THING!!!!!!!!!

I would have just landed back in one of the last places on Earth I would have wanted to live yet again (Florida aka the US' Punchline). BUT the time here has not been misspent, regardless of what my radical mood swings might tell me.

Six months after my last post I met a fella. Almost a year and 1/2 now. It was a whirlwind romance so we've been living together this whole time. One month into that we got a dog. Yes. I am a dog owner (the 3 cats from Texas are all alive and fairly well, one's a senior and having issues). So home life is much different than it's ever been in my life. Despite having been married before, I now feel like this is my first ADULT relationship. He and I are so much alike that it's wonderful 97% of the time. The other 3% we mirror what we find frustrating in one another. I have learned a lot. He's wanted to strangle me a lot. All in all, I find him magical. He feels like home - which is all I've ever wanted. He makes me laugh, all the time. He might be smarter than I. That's a tough one for me, but I dig it. He challenges me, in a good way. He's badass, and dozens of other things that I never thought I'd get all in one man.

Professionally, I'm progressively working my way up in my field. I make double what I did in Texas and have the best title to date. That's awesome. I'm not happy though. I commute to Daytona from Orlando. We'd move closer, but I don't see myself staying with this company long since 2 yrs is my limit and I'm at the 1/2 way marker. So, I have started exploring an even higher position OUT THERE. Putting it out to the Universe that I'm open to relocate given the right location/position. Mister would love to get the fuck out of Dodge too (he moved to FL from Chicago about 6 mos before I did and loathes it here even more than I).

That's tough. My Grandparents' health has declined so rapidly in the time I've been here that I really feel like I don't know them anymore. It's difficult to admit, but I have a hard time being around them. It's like being around people I don't know and who don't really know me yet they look familiar. This has been really, really hard on me. I nightmare about it almost nightly. I'm literally blocks from them, and have helped with the numerous hospital runs that have occurred in the last 9-10 months, but I've distanced myself greatly from them. Not proud.

I'm officially the shittiest friend now. I really only text and at that not so much. My job has me so exhausted ALL the time that I barely have the energy needed at home, therefore NO energy for anything outside home/work. I hope to change that though. If I locate a job in Orlando, I intend to get my shit together and be more present for my friends who are nothing but true blue.

Mister and I share several awesome dreams. He has an added advantage. He's almost 6 yrs younger than I. I turned 40 in April and I feel like the clock is massively ticking down on it all. This frustrates and worries me. Right now we are not in a position to act on the majority of what we want and while we talk about putting plans into place, we seem to tread water. I'm sure I'm being impatient. That's my nature. But I really feel that we don't have that much time and I see others living out their dreams and worry we're just wasting time. I need to spearhead things more. Just writing this I see that.

I discovered a site where all kinds of freelance writing opportunities are posted. I initially found it because Mister is a wine writer and there were some great opportunities for him, but in exploring it I saw that there might be some for me as well. I will look into that further. It would be fantastic to have a creative outlet and another stream of income to maybe start financing some of our dreams.

I feel I want to write a lot more, but I shall come back. This is today as it was for me years back very cathartic to share my thoughts regardless if they're viewed by anyone or not.

If you are reading this, thank you for 'listening'.


Friday, October 18, 2013

38.5: Half Birthday Musings

Well a lot has changed this year. A LOT. Oddly enough my change in geography is not the biggest change that I've gone through. A week ago today I hit the one year marker of unemployment. Crazy Town. I'm still stupefied by that whole scene, but given the interest in me here I'm not feeling too stressed about it. So unemployment and the move where/are big factors. Not the biggest though.

The biggest. I have no goddamned idea what I want out of life any more. NO IDEA. That's really hard for someone who is goal-oriented. Everything that I wanted leaves me feeling hollow now. I suppose that could be seen as liberating. Oddly, I find it dismantling. I do know what I don't want. So that's at least something.

Someone asked me 2 days ago what my hopes and dreams were. I still haven't answered that email...

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Rapid Descent into Madness

Once I make up my mind, I'm a runaway train. Unfortunately this means my mind won't turn the fuck off for me to get any sleep. I got some yesterday between the hours of 8am to Noon. I have been up ever since. I have researched it all. Houses near potential job. Sailboats. MeetUp Groups. MeetUp Groups for Sailing. Dudes. Dudes who Sail.

I'd really like to get some sleep. Brain says, "No."

Thursday, July 4, 2013

Self Reflection: Leaving Austin

The end of July will mark the 5 & 1/2 yr point of my time in Austin. I moved here vowing to "give it five years". I felt that was sufficient time to make a break with what I was running from and sufficient time to find something to hold me here.

I don't know how I feel about my time in Austin. The first 2 yrs I definitely felt I made a huge mistake. Nothing was going right for me. Then something that I thought was magical happened. I was wrong, but it strung me along for bit of the journey here. Then the latter part has really been total and complete shit. No one in their right mind would dispute that. It's bordering on comical how wrong my life has gone. So I gave notice that I would not be renewing my lease on Monday. Barring some wonderful job falling out of the sky, I'm definitely out of here around Labor Day.

I keep trying to explore how I feel about all this. I can't really tell just yet. I guess because it's not 100% done. I have two recruiters trying to entice me with two different positions here. Given the last 9 months of excitement and let down in the job search, I have zero expectations. So if something comes through that's great. If not, oh well. The question is - do i even want anything to come through? I don't think that I do. I really think I'm ready to go. I know I'm leaving Austin. It's not my town. Cool town, but just not for me. So it's a question of when and not if I'm going. I just hate having to get rid of all my stuff (I'm not moving shit this time!!!) and packing up the cats and driving all night. I know it's not really that big of a deal, but it's like my Vietnam. It's absolutely hellish for me.

All that aside, the big question(s) - what was the point of it all? Why did the last 5.5 yrs happen to me? What did I learn? Am I a better person? Am I a worse person? Will I look back on this someday and laugh? (Cause I'm NOT laughing right now) Could I not have learned all I did here elsewhere and been a bit happier? Would all 3 of my cats have passed away if I hadn't brought them here?

I could pontificate (and my close friends will tell you that I do - DAILY) on all the possible answers to these questions. I suppose the answers will reveal themselves in time. Or they won't. Maybe it meant nothing. Maybe it was just 5.5 of my PRIME years wasted in the wrong place and time wasted on the wrong men. That's the fear. Because that's how it feels. I feel like a fool right now.

This is DEFINITELY not my finest hour.

Saturday, June 1, 2013

Ways You Give Your Power Away: Taking the Easy Way Out

Hello, All

Thank you to those who have been reading faithfully each day. I hope these have helped you. Quoting one last time from "Waking Up Groggy"

"10. Taking the easy way out

It’s easier to follow status quo and do what’s expected, or what’s the least challenging but it deadens your soul. You’re here to fulfill a mission and it’s your mission alone.

How many times have you found yourself giving too much energy to something that’s insignificant? Shying away from our fears is giving our power away because strength comes from overcoming challenges and obstacles. Strength comes from facing our fears head on until we are no longer afraid.

Recognize where you might be giving your power away and take steps to change. The result will be feeling your inner fire and walking tall and strong on your own path."

Growing is hard. Reaching out for something new is scary. At times I have all the courage in the world, other times, like now, I feel stripped of every drop of courage. I question all the times I have stepped out confidently moving towards what I want only to have it slip through my fingers. So I guess my challenge to myself with all this is to look how I'm giving away my power. Perhaps if I stop, I'll regain the strength I need to keep forging through the difficult times to where I'm meant to be. I still do NOT know where that is, but surely I'm closer. Right?

My challenge to you - you are amazing. Whether I know you or not, I know that. There is something special about you. So don't let people or things in your life drain you of your power. Go back and reread these if you have to. Go to "Waking Up Groggy"'s blog where they are all in a single post. Look and see where you're allowing yourself to be weakened. Then STAND UP. Refuse to let this go on any further.

You do that, I will take my own advice, and together we will stand strong. :)

Friday, May 31, 2013

Ways You Give Away Your Power: Worship

Oh this is one I could go on and on and on about. My idol of choice is Men. Specifically a certain man that changes everything for me. Your idol? Is it your job? Your car? Your Favorite Athlete? Most of us have them.

Quoting from "Waking Up Groggy"

9. Worship

There is not a single person on this planet deserving of your worship. To worship someone is to believe they are better than you, they have something you don’t have, they have something you’re lacking…there is no guru, priest, rabbi, celebrity, motivational speaker, man woman or child you should ever bow down to or look up to. Nobody knows the secrets of the universe, nobody has all of the answers, nobody is better than you and to worship another is lowering yourself to a subordinate level.

There’s nothing wrong with loving someone’s work and being inspired by them…just know they aren’t greater than you. We each have our own unique gifts and each of us adds something special to this world.

This always reminds me of Chaz Palminteri in "Bronx Tale"

Young Calogero: "Bill Mazeroski, I hate him. He made Mickey Mantle cry. The papers said the Mick cried."

Sonny: "Mickey Mantle? That's what you're upset about? Mantle makes $100,000 a year. How much does your father make? If your dad ever can't pay the rent and needs money, go ask Mickey Mantle. See what happens. Mickey Mantle don't care about you. Why care about him?"

Calogero: [narrating] "After that, I never felt the same way about the Yankees."

So there you have it. Mickey Mantle don't care about you, why care about him? Don't give Mickey Mantle your power!!! :P

Tomorrow it all ends. Power Thief "Taking the Easy Way Out".

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Ways You Give Your Power Away: Being a Doormat

Getting closer to the end. Copied from "Waking Up Groggy"

8. Being a doormat

It’s not selfish to say no, you have a right to live your own life and do your own thing. There is no good reason to constantly do what other people tell you to do without question. You’re not being cruel by refusing to put yourself out for someone else. Don’t allow others to walk all over you.

You know what a doormat is for? Cleaning the dirt off the bottom of shoes, don’t let other people wipe their shit on you.

Oh me oh my. I was a doormat. Just for a couple select people, but I was. I find that I tend to be a doormat for the men I care about. Hence my desire to be alone.

Tomorrow's Power Thief: Worship --- Yep, I do that too.