Sunday, June 17, 2018

Father’s Day

Last year the day landed the week after Grandfather passed. I was worried about today, but after the grief-fest of the last few weeks (Freudian slip, I accidentally wrote years because that is far more accurate).

I’m doing well. Nice to see friends’ posts of their fathers. It’s so wonderful how many people have loving, caring parents. For the rest of us, it’s wonderful that other people stepped in to give us that as my Grandparents did for me.

This year has really shown me how much Grandfather was the patriarch. His abscense is staggering. On the anniversary of his passing, this photo I took 3 years prior at a convention popped up. I remember being very struck by the oddness of being all alone in this huge hall. There should have been a few people around but there weren’t. It now feels like a premonition of what this past year held. Amazing who stood by and helped and who vanished.

The world feels like this hall now, with the ubiquitous empty chair.

I will always miss you, Grandfather. Happy Father’s Day

Saturday, May 26, 2018

My Last Meal with My Grandfather

Today is 50 weeks since I lost my Grandfather. I'm hit hard with that this afternoon. I am sitting here crying. Listening to the rain hit the skylight and reflecting. I did a little calculating in my head and it occurred to me that the last meal we had together, which is kind of the day I feel like I saw a glimpse of my Grandfather for the last time, was a Sunday morning that officially will be a year ago on Memorial Day. He replied to an email I had sent him asking if he needed anything. I was regularly cooking for him at this point as my Grandmother was occupied enough with just taking care of all his other needs. He wrote back asking me to go to McDonald's...

Hello Car

Thank you for your message, and, gentle concern for my well-being...little or no appetite these days...but I have a suggestion...would you mind
getting a "Big Breakfast" for say, about
8:30 a.m.? Pancakes, potato,
Syrup, etc....and a egg McMuffin for Grandmother and yourself? It would help get the day off to a good start...don't ask Grandmother about this...for she would probably cancel the order, and I don't wish for that to happen..
Thanks for your help

This is a part of our last email exchange. I, of course, saw him all the way to the end. And we had a great final afternoon together before he slipped into a coma. He died 10:50am on Jun 10, 2017, a Saturday morning. I was getting dressed to go be with him for the rest of the day. We were told it could be a week before he passed so I was surprised when the phone rang. But I knew.

I knew in that email he knew. This was all he could do. He barely could come to the table to eat. I see him, my six and a 1/2 foot tall giant of a Grandfather hunched over. Barely able to slide his walker across the berber carpet. I am HAUNTED by that image. Whenever people see me crying, I'm inevitably thinking about that. It breaks me to my core. He did it though. For Grandmother and I. The Three Musketeers we called ourselves, since I was little. It was our last meal together out of the thousands we had shared, all over the globe. Not in an exotic locale, not in a beautiful restaurant with amazing culinary fare. In our condo's little kitchen, breakfast from McDonald's, that none of us really felt like eating because we knew.

I will treasure the memory of that breakfast, that morning, for the rest of my life.

Saturday, December 31, 2016

My Annual Check-In Blog Update

Well, well, well. Seems it's been another year (okay more than that) since my last posting. As one might expect, my life looks different now from a year ago, but most don't know how radically different. Thank God, I can say every bit of it is for the better.

In 2014, I finally found what/who I had been looking for. While I knew it then, I did not KNOW it then. That knowing has evolved and developed over the last 3 years, but this year it saw a terrific leap forward to something I only dreamed I would get to experience. Finding the right partner for you when you are not like the others is a game-changer. Yes. People usually like me, or are intrigued by me even if they find me off-putting for their tastes. But someone GETTING you. Seeing you and all your flaws and saying, "Carla, you are the one." That's rocketed me into so much personal growth and reflection that I'm truly changed by it.

Everything in my life is different now on the inside. Soon the outward manifestations will show to those in my life. 2017 will see me moving cross-country yet again. This time I'm not running from a man, to a man, I'm blissfully and calming going with THEE man. The man who I want to share the rest of my life with. The man I want to share my hopes and dreams with. The man I want to have children with if we are so blessed. The man that I have no back-up plans with that small (or great) reservation in the back of my mind and heart, "What if it all goes wrong?" That's always been there with everyone else. That was there the first 2/3 of this relationship and nearly caused us to lose everything. I couldn't believe he was real. I couldn't believe he could love. That he could see all the heartache/heartbreak, all the damage, and say, "Yeah, You Carla, I choose this." He finally got it through to me - this is real. The struggles I have faced this year that he made seem like nothing would have broken down any of my prior relationships. We have gotten stronger and stronger.

This post is not a gloating session. I don't mean for it to be. I mean for it to give you courage and inspiration if you are feeling all alone. All alone whether your are will someone or not. There can be a real healing from connecting with someone like I have with Jared. So, if you think you have that with someone or you KNOW you do - don't let that go!! This is a precious gift. If you don't have it, I believe you can attract it to you. I truly do. I was slowly but surely calling Jared into my life. I just didn't see it till he was there.

Get really, really clear on what you want and only dwell on that. Don't sit with what you don't want. Only focus on good feelings. I believe you will reveal your true heart's desire.

Wishing you all the best in 2017!! (and I really will try to get back to posting)

Sunday, September 20, 2015

Soooooooooooo, It's Been Awhile...

Well, well, well. Oct 2013 was my last post. What's happened since then? ummmm, EVERY THING!!!!!!!!!

I would have just landed back in one of the last places on Earth I would have wanted to live yet again (Florida aka the US' Punchline). BUT the time here has not been misspent, regardless of what my radical mood swings might tell me.

Six months after my last post I met a fella. Almost a year and 1/2 now. It was a whirlwind romance so we've been living together this whole time. One month into that we got a dog. Yes. I am a dog owner (the 3 cats from Texas are all alive and fairly well, one's a senior and having issues). So home life is much different than it's ever been in my life. Despite having been married before, I now feel like this is my first ADULT relationship. He and I are so much alike that it's wonderful 97% of the time. The other 3% we mirror what we find frustrating in one another. I have learned a lot. He's wanted to strangle me a lot. All in all, I find him magical. He feels like home - which is all I've ever wanted. He makes me laugh, all the time. He might be smarter than I. That's a tough one for me, but I dig it. He challenges me, in a good way. He's badass, and dozens of other things that I never thought I'd get all in one man.

Professionally, I'm progressively working my way up in my field. I make double what I did in Texas and have the best title to date. That's awesome. I'm not happy though. I commute to Daytona from Orlando. We'd move closer, but I don't see myself staying with this company long since 2 yrs is my limit and I'm at the 1/2 way marker. So, I have started exploring an even higher position OUT THERE. Putting it out to the Universe that I'm open to relocate given the right location/position. Mister would love to get the fuck out of Dodge too (he moved to FL from Chicago about 6 mos before I did and loathes it here even more than I).

That's tough. My Grandparents' health has declined so rapidly in the time I've been here that I really feel like I don't know them anymore. It's difficult to admit, but I have a hard time being around them. It's like being around people I don't know and who don't really know me yet they look familiar. This has been really, really hard on me. I nightmare about it almost nightly. I'm literally blocks from them, and have helped with the numerous hospital runs that have occurred in the last 9-10 months, but I've distanced myself greatly from them. Not proud.

I'm officially the shittiest friend now. I really only text and at that not so much. My job has me so exhausted ALL the time that I barely have the energy needed at home, therefore NO energy for anything outside home/work. I hope to change that though. If I locate a job in Orlando, I intend to get my shit together and be more present for my friends who are nothing but true blue.

Mister and I share several awesome dreams. He has an added advantage. He's almost 6 yrs younger than I. I turned 40 in April and I feel like the clock is massively ticking down on it all. This frustrates and worries me. Right now we are not in a position to act on the majority of what we want and while we talk about putting plans into place, we seem to tread water. I'm sure I'm being impatient. That's my nature. But I really feel that we don't have that much time and I see others living out their dreams and worry we're just wasting time. I need to spearhead things more. Just writing this I see that.

I discovered a site where all kinds of freelance writing opportunities are posted. I initially found it because Mister is a wine writer and there were some great opportunities for him, but in exploring it I saw that there might be some for me as well. I will look into that further. It would be fantastic to have a creative outlet and another stream of income to maybe start financing some of our dreams.

I feel I want to write a lot more, but I shall come back. This is today as it was for me years back very cathartic to share my thoughts regardless if they're viewed by anyone or not.

If you are reading this, thank you for 'listening'.


Friday, October 18, 2013

38.5: Half Birthday Musings

Well a lot has changed this year. A LOT. Oddly enough my change in geography is not the biggest change that I've gone through. A week ago today I hit the one year marker of unemployment. Crazy Town. I'm still stupefied by that whole scene, but given the interest in me here I'm not feeling too stressed about it. So unemployment and the move where/are big factors. Not the biggest though.

The biggest. I have no goddamned idea what I want out of life any more. NO IDEA. That's really hard for someone who is goal-oriented. Everything that I wanted leaves me feeling hollow now. I suppose that could be seen as liberating. Oddly, I find it dismantling. I do know what I don't want. So that's at least something.

Someone asked me 2 days ago what my hopes and dreams were. I still haven't answered that email...

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Rapid Descent into Madness

Once I make up my mind, I'm a runaway train. Unfortunately this means my mind won't turn the fuck off for me to get any sleep. I got some yesterday between the hours of 8am to Noon. I have been up ever since. I have researched it all. Houses near potential job. Sailboats. MeetUp Groups. MeetUp Groups for Sailing. Dudes. Dudes who Sail.

I'd really like to get some sleep. Brain says, "No."

Thursday, July 4, 2013

Self Reflection: Leaving Austin

The end of July will mark the 5 & 1/2 yr point of my time in Austin. I moved here vowing to "give it five years". I felt that was sufficient time to make a break with what I was running from and sufficient time to find something to hold me here.

I don't know how I feel about my time in Austin. The first 2 yrs I definitely felt I made a huge mistake. Nothing was going right for me. Then something that I thought was magical happened. I was wrong, but it strung me along for bit of the journey here. Then the latter part has really been total and complete shit. No one in their right mind would dispute that. It's bordering on comical how wrong my life has gone. So I gave notice that I would not be renewing my lease on Monday. Barring some wonderful job falling out of the sky, I'm definitely out of here around Labor Day.

I keep trying to explore how I feel about all this. I can't really tell just yet. I guess because it's not 100% done. I have two recruiters trying to entice me with two different positions here. Given the last 9 months of excitement and let down in the job search, I have zero expectations. So if something comes through that's great. If not, oh well. The question is - do i even want anything to come through? I don't think that I do. I really think I'm ready to go. I know I'm leaving Austin. It's not my town. Cool town, but just not for me. So it's a question of when and not if I'm going. I just hate having to get rid of all my stuff (I'm not moving shit this time!!!) and packing up the cats and driving all night. I know it's not really that big of a deal, but it's like my Vietnam. It's absolutely hellish for me.

All that aside, the big question(s) - what was the point of it all? Why did the last 5.5 yrs happen to me? What did I learn? Am I a better person? Am I a worse person? Will I look back on this someday and laugh? (Cause I'm NOT laughing right now) Could I not have learned all I did here elsewhere and been a bit happier? Would all 3 of my cats have passed away if I hadn't brought them here?

I could pontificate (and my close friends will tell you that I do - DAILY) on all the possible answers to these questions. I suppose the answers will reveal themselves in time. Or they won't. Maybe it meant nothing. Maybe it was just 5.5 of my PRIME years wasted in the wrong place and time wasted on the wrong men. That's the fear. Because that's how it feels. I feel like a fool right now.

This is DEFINITELY not my finest hour.