Nocturnal Admissions

The last time I kept hours like these was ohhh 15+ years ago. My clock is alll out of whack. I've been getting in touch with a lot of thoughts/feelings/emotions/fears etc that keeping an 'ordinary' schedule has pretty much gone out the window.

I was struck by such overwhelming sadness the last few days, that of a tremendous loss. Copious amounts of tears have been shed. I've asked myself if I was missing anyone or anything and I come up blank. I think that I'm grieving for the parts that are finally being cared for and acknowledged. I am grieving for the things that probably will not be. Also, I am no doubt scared where I'll be led on this journey.

I have been talking to "God". I use quotes because I have thought myself to be an atheist or at bare minimum an agnostic. I'm trying to reach out to something larger than myself, whatever name you call it. My family and numerous people over the years have ruined my Christian faith. Having grown up in India I tend to embrace aspects of Hinduism and Buddhism, but I don't ally myself with any one set of beliefs. I do embrace the philosophy of Buddhism. Anyway, really not the point. I am trying to connect with something far larger than me, and hoping and praying for guidance.

I'm trying to be open to whatever comes my way. These 37 yrs have breezed by, particularly the last 5. I want to make the most of whatever time I have left. I want to connect more with those I love and care for. I still have a fortress around me. I try to keep people out so they can't see the broken parts, but maintaining the walls is exhausting. I'm so terribly, terribly tired.

This time is proving to be invaluable and I wish everyone I know, that would want to, could take this sort of time to just be with themselves. Pinterest, FB, and '80's movie favorites help to distract me for a bit, but my mind goes right back to what it's trying to work out.

All in all, I feel so much better.
Growing hurts though - it hurts like a motherfucker.

Priorities

I was having a conversation with Grandmother yesterday, as I do every day. She's my sounding board for it all - career, men, random things - she's who I go to. The last couple weeks I have definitely done a lot of soul searching. I was completely lost, and really had been since I landed here in 2008. I have viewed my time in Austin as a giant misstep and a series of misadventures that served little to no purpose.


Having this time to step back and look at were I was is turning out to be invaluable in shaping where I'm heading. I now have a far more solid vision of what I want out of life starting from here. My priorities have changed to be sure. I have more and more of a clear view of who I am and what I'm capable of. I also have a crystal clear view of what I absolutely refuse to put up with anymore. I have wasted so much time dealing with people's nonsense, lies, uncertainty, etc. That's ending.


I'll no longer ally myself with people who do not support, encourage, uplift, or comfort me. Since this is a two-way street, I would expect the same from them if I fail to be useful to them. Life is too short to be dragged down by those who don't serve a useful purpose in our lives.


I intend to break with Mediocrity, we've been bedfellows for far too long. As a part of his Build Carla Up Campaign, Grandfather has been emailing me photos, letters, etc of my past achievements to remind me of what I have accomplished and encouraging to push forward to even greater accomplishments. His campaign is working. I'm getting a better idea of what I want to do next in my career. I'm probably going to have to open my job search to a nationwide search, as I'd be surprised to find anything in my field here - but never say never.


So what do I want out of life as of right now?

-Love, respect, admiration from a man who lifts me up and I him

-A job that utilizes my talents and challenges me in an effective manner

-A way to give back that speaks to me - I'm WAY too self-centered


There are other things I want, but these are the big ones. The thing I love about my current list is that I have really thrown the gates wide open in the last week. I'm used to what I want having a very specific look and feel. I'm leaving it far more abstract now. I have the general ideas, but I don't really know what they look like. That's huge for me. Normally I have it planned down to the little intricate details. Not now. I'll let it flow to me in whatever form it takes. I just know that I'll not accept anything that doesn't meet my needs.

Good Bye, Norma Jean, Seriously - You Had a Fair Run

Thanks to Pinterest, I have access to even more unnecessary information. As those who know me can attest, I fucking love it!! Occasionally in my quest to pin alluring photos of a life I'll never lead, I stumble upon photos that surprise me. Such is the case with this photo. The caption was "Marilyn Monroe on her 36th Birthday". Her WHAT???? The way Elton John and the rest of the Free World laments her "untimely passing", I've always assumed she was a woman MUCH younger than 36. As a woman of 37, I can tell you - I've had a great run. I'm just Carla. Yeah, those who know me rather well, know my life has been anything but dull, but certainly NOTHING on the scale that would have been her life. So what's all the crying about? We can't all get to 80, and honestly - do you REALLY, REALLY want to? I only would for the sake of my family and the members of my family I actually care about ARE 80 right now. Don't get me wrong this isn't an EMO-esque posting. If I have children, I clearly would want to be there for them. That's a whole other case entirely. I get that leaving young ones behind is sad. I just don't get why not having a long life is deemed such a tragedy. But I'm weird so you know - take this post with a grain of salt. :)

The Secret of My (Lack of) Success

Sooooo, it's that time again. I'm discontent. I have legit reasons (as I usually do) for wanting/needing to move on, but GODDAMN, I do so tire of this. I was all set to get my Masters in what I already have a BA in, and as I have with my prior Masters attempts - I"m scrapping it for now. I see I really don't like management at all. I might even actually hate it, and I'm not sure I'm any good at it. I lack the megalomaniacal tendencies that I apparently need. So what to do, what to do? No seriously, please tell me. I'm open to suggestions.

The Winds of Time Are Shifting My Desires

I love blogposts that I write/erase/write/erase. Sometimes I think I sound like such an asshole. This has gone that way tonight. Here was basically what I was trying to say: What I used to desire I no longer do, or I don't let myself because as Ms. Plath pointed out - they would destroy me. I'm tired of making the same mistakes. I desire something more for my life than what I'm currently engaged in. I had something in there about being lonely tonight which is insane especially on a day where I got record compliments on my looks. So there you go. An Outline. I just fucking blogposted an outline. Wow.