Monday, December 27, 2010

Epiphanies--All Over This Mother Part ? 3, 4?

I forget, but I had a HUGE one today as I soared above Austin. HUGE. HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE. It's no secret I have walls up. We all know and see that. It's no secret I run. We all know that too. What hit me thousands of feet above the ground was this "I'm FUCKING PETRIFIED of anything that I don't have utter and complete control over." So I have been keeping my life very small and safe the last few years. So as this played out in my mind, I wondered "Do I really hate Austin?" Hates a strong word, but I do almost feel hatred at times for it here. I need to let this fully soak in, but I see it permeates every thing. EVERY thing. If it's simple, safe, a sure thing I'm all for it. If not, fuck it. Run on, run on, run on. That's why I need so many new things. I keep looking for new things, they scare me, then I run some more.

I don't know if I'm expressing it well, but it makes total sense to me and now I see it as an epic challenge to myself. Suss out what terrifies me and run toward it (unless it's burning building). Obviously, I'll stay away from the true dangers, but I really need to sack up and face life. Like I used to. I was fearless until Jun 11, 2007 when my life fell apart. I've not been alright since then. I think that what I discovered today, just might be a colossal step back on my former fearless path.

I'll write more about my flying experience tomorrow perhaps. This revelation has been most overwhelming. (but if you go to my yelp account you can read the review of my experience there)

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