Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Selling Out

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Several things have brought up the topic for me lately so since I can't focus on anything else to write about I'll go with this.

I have felt rudderless most of my adult life. I didn't follow my dream, I followed what I was told to do. So I feel that precious little has gone right for me professionally. I mean if you don't give a shit, how can it? I do alright, but that's it. I'm the picture of mediocrity. So how did I get here?

Well a promising young Carla had nothing but time on her little hands in India so she did nothing, but study. She finished all her English & Literature through Grade 12 in her preteens. Don't even remember how early, but early. So her Grandmother figured that we should get the other courses out of the way as well and we could be done with this whole home school thing. I was finished with all high school course work at 14. I started college at 16. At 18, I had my Associates degree. Now what? What do you want to do with your life. I wanted to study film. I took a class and loved it. NOPE!!! They were not paying for anything frivolous. I can respect that, but I could have gotten every single job I ever had if I just had a Bachelors OF ANYTHING. It really mattered very little. So I struggled. I think I had 5 majors. I can't remember. Education, Pre-Law, Pre-Med, Psychology I feel there was another, but I can't even remember now. I was changing majors like they were outfits. I had no idea what I wanted to do. So some big stuff happened that I can't talk about here, and life took a MAJOR detour for me. (This would be the California years). When I eventually come back home to FL, not by choice, I am presented with "You can get your BA in Organizational Management". UNCLE!!!! You win. I will go the practical route.

I have worked one job after another that just feels like it's absolutely raping my soul. I don't know what to do about it though. I really don't. I've now graduated to stop-starting work on my Masters so many times that I have again lost track.

I feel like I sold myself out, but stupidly. I didn't even sell out in something lucrative. Just mediocre. Not that a big payday justifies it, but shit, it helps. So I am in the same quandary today that I was 10 years ago. Will I be singing this same worn out song in another 10 years?

Don't get me wrong. I don't think that if I had stuck to my guns and followed through with Film that I'd be up on stage at the Oscars. I just feel that I short-changed myself and for what? What I do, day in and out is MEANINGLESS. I just don't know what to do to get this back on track, or hell go completely off the tracks. Whatever this is supposed to be in relation to railroad tracks. :)

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