Thursday, June 24, 2010
OMG, I Think I Know What I Want -- Finally
Okay. So I knew that my ex-husband was the one. He was my soul-mate. The love of my life. Et cetera, Et cetera, Et cetera. After I walked away from that for good in my heart, soul, and mind I got really, really down. I mean low. All that I had based my life on had disappeared and it has been absolutely terrifying and devastating to me. Just because I'm smiling when I'm around people doesn't mean I'm smiling on the inside. I've been full on grieving for the last 2 & 1/2 years- more so the last year or so.
So I have gone from "I'm never going to be with another man again." to "Maybe I'll marry for money." to "Maybe I'll find someone and we can just have a good understanding even though we aren't in love" to "Maybe I could learn to like women." Yeah, all over the map. It's just so disconcerting to go from KNOWING someone was the one for you to this freedom that freaks me out.
Well tonight I think I found my answer as to what I want. What would make me settle down. "The look." There is a look that only a few men have ever given me in my life. It's a look that says everything without saying a thing. It's not a "You're hot", "You're funny", "You're exotic", "You're mental" look. It's "Who ARE you" look. Like I'm the answer to the question. It's rare. So rare. Unfortunately, I've not been really involved with the men who have given me that look because they or I were unavailable. There was one that I was involved with briefly, but I got back together with my ex-husband and that was the end of us. Now he's married with a family so there is no us.
If I ever see that look in the eyes of a free and clear available man (who is not hard on the eyes), why I'm gonna marry that boy.
photo - aptly entitled "you found my heart" by citrus hearts on flikr