Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Nocturnal Admissions

The last time I kept hours like these was ohhh 15+ years ago. My clock is alll out of whack. I've been getting in touch with a lot of thoughts/feelings/emotions/fears etc that keeping an 'ordinary' schedule has pretty much gone out the window.

I was struck by such overwhelming sadness the last few days, that of a tremendous loss. Copious amounts of tears have been shed. I've asked myself if I was missing anyone or anything and I come up blank. I think that I'm grieving for the parts that are finally being cared for and acknowledged. I am grieving for the things that probably will not be. Also, I am no doubt scared where I'll be led on this journey.

I have been talking to "God". I use quotes because I have thought myself to be an atheist or at bare minimum an agnostic. I'm trying to reach out to something larger than myself, whatever name you call it. My family and numerous people over the years have ruined my Christian faith. Having grown up in India I tend to embrace aspects of Hinduism and Buddhism, but I don't ally myself with any one set of beliefs. I do embrace the philosophy of Buddhism. Anyway, really not the point. I am trying to connect with something far larger than me, and hoping and praying for guidance.

I'm trying to be open to whatever comes my way. These 37 yrs have breezed by, particularly the last 5. I want to make the most of whatever time I have left. I want to connect more with those I love and care for. I still have a fortress around me. I try to keep people out so they can't see the broken parts, but maintaining the walls is exhausting. I'm so terribly, terribly tired.

This time is proving to be invaluable and I wish everyone I know, that would want to, could take this sort of time to just be with themselves. Pinterest, FB, and '80's movie favorites help to distract me for a bit, but my mind goes right back to what it's trying to work out.

All in all, I feel so much better.
Growing hurts though - it hurts like a motherfucker.

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