Friday, November 16, 2012

Getting to Know Me, Getting to Know ALL About Me...

Let's start with the positive. My physical health has steadily improved over the last 5 weeks. My hair is all shiny and curly. My eczema is WAY better and back under control. My skin tone looks far better. I'm dropping weight and clearly building muscle because I freaked myself out a little bit yesterday when I put on a wife-beater (maybe lay off the push-ups). My best friend commented "You are THEE most relaxed unemployed person I have EVER met." So yeah, stone-cold chillin' over here.

The also positive, but in the moment feels like a negative. Ummmm, how do I say this? I'm not as great of a person as I thought I was. (I hope my exes don't read this) Anyway yeah. You know how when you're embroiled in work you fantasize about all the amazing, wonderful, philanthropic things you'd get up to "if only I had the time"? Yeah, stop thinking that. Unless you really are a great person - which are you really? In my case, it turns out I was just blowing smoke up my own skirt. Which I probably could now because I'm doing A LOT of stretching (again, physically, this time has been awesome). I digress - I'm doing that a lot more lately too.

I've had a lot of fun, but I've cried more tears in these five weeks than I have in the last five years. You might think that to be hyperbole. It's not. I have never cried this much ever (and I was married!!). I'm just grieving anything and everything right now. I'm clearly entering into a different phase and I'm letting go of childish things.

I don't know where this all is leading, but I do know it's to something greater for me. I have no illusions that I'm going to evolve into Saint CarlaMarie and anyone who even slightly knows me, would know I far rather be Sinner CarlaMarie. I do want to be "better" than this, but I'm not going to shame myself into it. I'm so done with guilt and shame.

I do know that I want my life to matter. Right now I don't see that being the case, but I think I have to go through whatever this is to get to where I can even think about helping others.

So there you go. That is where I'm at right now. Gotta go and peel more layers to this Crazy Carla onion.

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