Friday, March 1, 2013

Closing Doors

I had a rather life-altering week - for the better, I believe. It's not too often you're able to listen to a recording of yourself talking to someone about the innermost workings of your heart at a point in time. I was able to do that. I played a recording of me talking about all that was going on inside me last Spring. It was astonished to listen to me, in my own voice telling this person how I felt about several things that are now no longer in my life. I was very passionate. You could hear it in my voice and as I heard it was thrust back to that moment. Remembering things as they were not as I have rewritten them to be.

I created a lot of events that eventually moved things I didn't want out of my life. Where I felt powerless, I see I had total autonomy. I don't know if I really got that I am that much in control. I think I tend to want to play it passive still. Let others "take control" so I don't have to do the dirty work. I wrote an email to someone last week telling them that I didn't want to see them anymore. Surprisingly, they were good with it. I stated it nicely. I don't mean them any harm. I just don't want them in my life. I am going to continue this where need be.

I never saw how much people in my life tell me what to do. Mostly the men. In one way or another, they try to exert control over me. Having such a controlling husband, I think I have allowed this to go on with friends because it's oddly comfortable. Or it was. I don't like it, and I actually resent it. I didn't really get that until I vented to a couple girlfriends about it this week.

The biggest epiphany was realizing that no man, currently in my life, is "The One". I've held several (like at least 4 or 5) doors open thinking "ehh, maaaaayyybe he might be the one - eventually". NOPE. No one who is in my life right now is "The One". Doors CLOSED. I feel soooo fucking free doing that. Like anything is possible now.

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