38.5: Half Birthday Musings

Well a lot has changed this year. A LOT. Oddly enough my change in geography is not the biggest change that I've gone through. A week ago today I hit the one year marker of unemployment. Crazy Town. I'm still stupefied by that whole scene, but given the interest in me here I'm not feeling too stressed about it. So unemployment and the move where/are big factors. Not the biggest though.

The biggest. I have no goddamned idea what I want out of life any more. NO IDEA. That's really hard for someone who is goal-oriented. Everything that I wanted leaves me feeling hollow now. I suppose that could be seen as liberating. Oddly, I find it dismantling. I do know what I don't want. So that's at least something.

Someone asked me 2 days ago what my hopes and dreams were. I still haven't answered that email...

Rapid Descent into Madness

Once I make up my mind, I'm a runaway train. Unfortunately this means my mind won't turn the fuck off for me to get any sleep. I got some yesterday between the hours of 8am to Noon. I have been up ever since. I have researched it all. Houses near potential job. Sailboats. MeetUp Groups. MeetUp Groups for Sailing. Dudes. Dudes who Sail.

I'd really like to get some sleep. Brain says, "No."

Self Reflection: Leaving Austin

The end of July will mark the 5 & 1/2 yr point of my time in Austin. I moved here vowing to "give it five years". I felt that was sufficient time to make a break with what I was running from and sufficient time to find something to hold me here.


I don't know how I feel about my time in Austin. The first 2 yrs I definitely felt I made a huge mistake. Nothing was going right for me. Then something that I thought was magical happened. I was wrong, but it strung me along for bit of the journey here. Then the latter part has really been total and complete shit. No one in their right mind would dispute that. It's bordering on comical how wrong my life has gone. So I gave notice that I would not be renewing my lease on Monday. Barring some wonderful job falling out of the sky, I'm definitely out of here around Labor Day.


I keep trying to explore how I feel about all this. I can't really tell just yet. I guess because it's not 100% done. I have two recruiters trying to entice me with two different positions here. Given the last 9 months of excitement and let down in the job search, I have zero expectations. So if something comes through that's great. If not, oh well. The question is - do i even want anything to come through? I don't think that I do. I really think I'm ready to go. I know I'm leaving Austin. It's not my town. Cool town, but just not for me. So it's a question of when and not if I'm going. I just hate having to get rid of all my stuff (I'm not moving shit this time!!!) and packing up the cats and driving all night. I know it's not really that big of a deal, but it's like my Vietnam. It's absolutely hellish for me.


All that aside, the big question(s) - what was the point of it all? Why did the last 5.5 yrs happen to me? What did I learn? Am I a better person? Am I a worse person? Will I look back on this someday and laugh? (Cause I'm NOT laughing right now) Could I not have learned all I did here elsewhere and been a bit happier? Would all 3 of my cats have passed away if I hadn't brought them here?


I could pontificate (and my close friends will tell you that I do - DAILY) on all the possible answers to these questions. I suppose the answers will reveal themselves in time. Or they won't. Maybe it meant nothing. Maybe it was just 5.5 of my PRIME years wasted in the wrong place and time wasted on the wrong men. That's the fear. Because that's how it feels. I feel like a fool right now.


This is DEFINITELY not my finest hour.

Ways You Give Your Power Away: Taking the Easy Way Out

Hello, All

Thank you to those who have been reading faithfully each day. I hope these have helped you. Quoting one last time from "Waking Up Groggy"


"10. Taking the easy way out

It’s easier to follow status quo and do what’s expected, or what’s the least challenging but it deadens your soul. You’re here to fulfill a mission and it’s your mission alone.

How many times have you found yourself giving too much energy to something that’s insignificant? Shying away from our fears is giving our power away because strength comes from overcoming challenges and obstacles. Strength comes from facing our fears head on until we are no longer afraid.

Recognize where you might be giving your power away and take steps to change. The result will be feeling your inner fire and walking tall and strong on your own path."



Growing is hard. Reaching out for something new is scary. At times I have all the courage in the world, other times, like now, I feel stripped of every drop of courage. I question all the times I have stepped out confidently moving towards what I want only to have it slip through my fingers. So I guess my challenge to myself with all this is to look how I'm giving away my power. Perhaps if I stop, I'll regain the strength I need to keep forging through the difficult times to where I'm meant to be. I still do NOT know where that is, but surely I'm closer. Right?

My challenge to you - you are amazing. Whether I know you or not, I know that. There is something special about you. So don't let people or things in your life drain you of your power. Go back and reread these if you have to. Go to "Waking Up Groggy"'s blog where they are all in a single post. Look and see where you're allowing yourself to be weakened. Then STAND UP. Refuse to let this go on any further.

You do that, I will take my own advice, and together we will stand strong. :)

Ways You Give Away Your Power: Worship

Oh this is one I could go on and on and on about. My idol of choice is Men. Specifically a certain man that changes everything for me. Your idol? Is it your job? Your car? Your Favorite Athlete? Most of us have them.

Quoting from "Waking Up Groggy"


9. Worship

There is not a single person on this planet deserving of your worship. To worship someone is to believe they are better than you, they have something you don’t have, they have something you’re lacking…there is no guru, priest, rabbi, celebrity, motivational speaker, man woman or child you should ever bow down to or look up to. Nobody knows the secrets of the universe, nobody has all of the answers, nobody is better than you and to worship another is lowering yourself to a subordinate level.

There’s nothing wrong with loving someone’s work and being inspired by them…just know they aren’t greater than you. We each have our own unique gifts and each of us adds something special to this world.


This always reminds me of Chaz Palminteri in "Bronx Tale"

Young Calogero: "Bill Mazeroski, I hate him. He made Mickey Mantle cry. The papers said the Mick cried."

Sonny: "Mickey Mantle? That's what you're upset about? Mantle makes $100,000 a year. How much does your father make? If your dad ever can't pay the rent and needs money, go ask Mickey Mantle. See what happens. Mickey Mantle don't care about you. Why care about him?"

Calogero: [narrating] "After that, I never felt the same way about the Yankees."


So there you have it. Mickey Mantle don't care about you, why care about him? Don't give Mickey Mantle your power!!! :P



Tomorrow it all ends. Power Thief "Taking the Easy Way Out".

Ways You Give Your Power Away: Being a Doormat

Getting closer to the end. Copied from "Waking Up Groggy"


8. Being a doormat

It’s not selfish to say no, you have a right to live your own life and do your own thing. There is no good reason to constantly do what other people tell you to do without question. You’re not being cruel by refusing to put yourself out for someone else. Don’t allow others to walk all over you.

You know what a doormat is for? Cleaning the dirt off the bottom of shoes, don’t let other people wipe their shit on you.


Oh me oh my. I was a doormat. Just for a couple select people, but I was. I find that I tend to be a doormat for the men I care about. Hence my desire to be alone.


Tomorrow's Power Thief: Worship --- Yep, I do that too.

Ways You Give Your Power Away: Believing Everything Is Love & Light, Kittens, and Rainbows

Day 7 and Power Thief 7. Copying from "Waking Up Groggy"


Believing everything is love and light, kittens and rainbows

This is disempowering because denying an essential part of your being is to live in fear of your own nature…. we all have a dark side- we all get angry, we all can be pushed to violent reactions and we all have thoughts that we wouldn’t want anyone to know about…it’s called being human. Life is both dark and light, if you don’t embrace and accept your dark side and the dark side of life you become weak and a victim.


I. Fucking. Hate. This. Shit. Being into self-help the way I am, I get around waaaayyyyy too much of this. I find people who do this to either a) be in total denial b) be a RAGING PHONY c) a combo of both. Honestly, I really feel it's more B for Total B.S.

If you want to do this to yourself go for it, but don't do it around me. You won't know me for long.


Tomorrow's Power Thief "Being a Doormat"

Ways You Give Your Power Away: Allowing Others to Make Decisions and/or Speak for You

Copying again from "Waking Up Groggy"'s blog


6. Allowing others to make decisions and/or speak for you

Whether it’s low self-esteem, laziness, not enough time or energy it’s not an excuse for allowing others to run your life. You have it within you to make a good decision, you can do the research, you can use your own intuition, you don’t need someone else to make all of your decisions….stand up for yourself, speak up, don’t let others dominate you.

If you continue to allow others to run your life, ask yourself; do you enjoy living as a slave?



I don't do this one too much anymore, but I certainly used to. I think for me it was more fear of making the wrong decision or my serial People-Pleasing that drove it.


Tomorrow's Power Thief 7. Believing everything is love and light, kittens, and rainbows.

Ways You Give Your Power Away: Feeling Sorry for Yourself or Someone Else

Super-duper guilty of this one. More on the pity party kick lately and I dislike that tremendously. Here is what "Waking Up Groggy" wrote.


5. Feeling sorry for yourself or someone else

Pity is disempowering; you don’t help anyone by giving them your pity. Give love, give encouragement, give support and compassion but not pity. To pity someone is like taking a vacuum hose and sucking the life right out of them. The same goes for yourself, feeling sorry for yourself does nothing other than keep you stuck, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t grieve or feel hurt it means stop feeling like a victim and get proactive.


I feel she really summed it up. You don't need me to pontificate on this.


Tomorrow's Time Thief "#6 Allowing Other to Make Decisions and/or Speak for You"

Ways You Give Away Your Power: NOBODY Completes You!!!

Fuck You, Jerry McGuire!!!! One line from a so-so 90's movie ruined me and no doubt countless others for years. Today's Power Thief per "Waking Up Groggy" is

4. Believing someone else has the power to make you feel whole/sane/worthy/happy/alive
There is no man or woman who can save you from yourself.

There isn’t anyone you can’t live without.

There isn’t anyone who completes you.

You don’t need anyone to stand on your own two feet and feel strong.

Sometimes someone comes along who sweeps us off our feet, we feel energized and like the sun rises and sets just for the two of us. There’s nothing wrong with passion as long as it’s kept in check. Don’t let someone else take over your heart and mind no matter how intoxicating….you can enjoy your own company; you don’t need someone else to feel alive.

The other way we give our power away is by giving someone else all of the credit for our own personal achievements. Catch yourself when you say things like “I couldn’t have done it without them”… yes you could have. Be grateful for the support however take credit for your own accomplishments!

I need to write this entire thing on my bathroom mirror as it is probably my biggest stumbling block of the 10. I love a hero, god, idol to worship and revere. It's almost like I can't help myself. I pick one every few years and can name them off to you. There haven't been many, but they completely alter the orbit of my world. I also inevitably fall in love with these men (it's always been men up to this point), and I usually can't have them because they are attached to others or completely mental or both. This one is so hard for me that I feel I am relegated to a life of solitude because no other men will do it for me and it's unhealthy for me to be with them. I usually end up cutting myself off from them completely. Physically run away or just stay away.

I clearly have a lot of work to do on this one.



Tomorrow's Power Thief "Feeling sorry for yourself or someone else" (that's another one of mine.)

Ways You Give Your Power Away: Obsessing Over Someone's Bad Behavior

Item 3 on "Waking Up Groggy"'s list of the 10 ways we give away our power is to fixate on someone else's bad behavior.

Quoting directly

Some people are assholes…period. In fact, some people get off on making other people miserable, and they aren’t going to change. Constantly complaining about their bad behavior, talking about it with anyone who will listen and feeling victimized by them is like bowing down at their feet and calling them master.

Ignore them, don’t engage…no matter how tempting it is, don’t engage! Ignore them completely and they’ll move on.

This is a no brainer yet one I certainly fell into myself. My identity got wrapped up in someone's insanity. For years. I actually moved on my myself. Physically left. Now I have zero tolerance for anyone's bullshit and usually can see it from a mile away.

Tomorrow's Power Thief: 4. Believing Someone Else Has the Power to Make You Feel Whole/Sane/Worthy/Happy/Alive

Ways You Give Away Your Power: Feeling Guilty

This is not one of mine fortunately. I mean I will have occasional pangs of guilt, but they quickly pass. That is the beauty of getting religion out of your life. My family doesn't get me with it either because their expectations are routed in religion. So basically, I tell myself "They expect x because they believe y" and I'm right as rain. To be clear, there are constructive forms of guilt, but that's not what I'm talking about here.

Copying again from "Waking Up Groggy":


"Guilt is one of the most draining, disempowering emotion there is, it has its purposes but most often it’s used a tool of manipulation. If someone is trying to make you feel guilty about something you enjoy, don’t listen to them! They have no right to tell you how to live your life, everyone has their own idea about what they consider good or bad but it comes down to what’s right for you. As long as you aren’t hurting yourself or another person and it makes you happy then have at it, let others mind their own business."


This one makes me want to shake people, as I'm sure people wanted to shake me into the next life with my hang-ups. I totally see it as a 'tool of manipulation'. I see people make huge, life-altering decisions due to guilt, obligation, expectation whatever name you want to slap on it. It is unfortunate, and I am sure I have been *guilty* (haha) of using guilt to get what I want. I am grown past that.

So how can you overcome guilt?

I found an article "Overcoming Guilt: How to Free Yourself from a Guilty Conscience" by Mark Foo K.L. He suggests first determining the route cause of your guilt. I will just list the 5 points not his remarks.


1. The past is the past, it can not be undone, and it should be left alone.
2. Problems should be fixed.
3. Give yourself permission to be human.
4. Talk it out with friends, family, or professionals.
5. You can and should forgive yourself.


As I stated, this isn't one of mine. So I don't have a lot to personally offer on it other than to say, you deserve better than this. I hope if this speaks to you that you are able to find what you need to work through it. Plenty came up on Google when I did the search. If it's a deeply routed problem, I'd definitely talk to a therapist about it to help you get to the route cause if you don't know what it is already.

Tomorrow's Power Thief - "Obsessing Over Someone's Bad Behavior"

Ways You Give Away Your Power: Playing the Martyr

I've burned myself out on self-help, but spending so much time in reflection I have noticed some things. Some I notice because I see traits in others that I find wildly repulsive, but most others I see in myself. A big stumbling block of mine is giving away my power. So I was doing a bit of research on it last night and stumbled upon a completely awesome blog post on "Waking Up Groggy" entitled "10 Ways You Might Be Giving Your Power Away". I was so captivated by it, I felt compelled to write about them. I don't know if I will write about all 10 as, thank god, I don't have all 10 to overcome.

The first one "Playing the Martyr". I have stumbled with this one. Going to direct copy from what "W.U.G." wrote:

"The martyr is the one who sees themselves as the saviour, the only one who steps in when no one else seems to care, sacrificing themselves for someone in need.

Some of you might think it’s not only good but admirable to give up your own life for the sake of another…it’s not. You aren’t going to help someone who doesn’t want to be helped and you definitely aren’t going to help someone by weakening yourself. It doesn’t mean you walk away from someone who’s in distress and needs help, but at some point enough is enough.

I find that people who do this put themselves in a situation that mirrors a past conflict or personal pain. The belief behind it being this time they can make it right and it will exonerate them from their own pain, like a karmic debt however it never works out that way. Worry about yourself and let others walk their chosen path…. sometimes people need to come to things on their own time, in their own way and it’s important to discern when not to interfere."

I wasted 15 years playing the martyr. Actually more probably, but in the major relationship of my life I totally thought that I was needed. That I was the only one that could help this person. Wow. It plays well with my Narcissism. This led me to contemplate the difference between a Victim and a Martyr. I found this article "Overcoming the Role of Victim or Martyr" on Livestrong.com

Here are 20 differences between being a Victim and a Martyr

Victim : Martyr
1. Usually has short-term problem : Long-term problem
2. Motivated to change : Stuck in their problem
3. Rights violated by others : Rights violated by others
4. Did not choose the problem : Chooses to remain in problem situation
5. Never complains : Complains all the time
6. Lacks insight into problem : Frequently has insight into the problem
7. Unknowingly plays an active part in the problem : Frequently knowingly plays an active part in the problem
8. Doesn't often seek help : Seeks help all the time
9. Wants to let go of the problem : Holds on to the problem
10. Guilt free : Guilt driven
11. Solution oriented : Problem oriented
12. Powerless due to lack of knowledge : Powerless out of a free will choice to be so
13. Unique problem : Habitual problems
14. Sincere desire to change : Mask of sincerity
15. Honest to self and others about the problem : Dishonest to self and others about the desire to change
16. Hesitant to get help : Seeks out help habitually
17. Reticent to talk about problem : Relishes the attention received in talking about the problem
18. Embarrassed about the problem : Wears problem as a badge of courage (purple heart)
19. Wants a quick solution to their crisis : Creates crises out of everything but blocks all solutions
20. Open to all new ideas : Holds a "yes, but" attitude to all new ideas

Read more: livestrong.com/article/14732-overcoming-the-role-of-victim-or-martyr/#ixzz2U1QJ7qWl

I'll end it there. As I stated, I fell into the Martyr category. I see many others around who do as well, and I'm sure there plenty more who do that I'm not aware of.

Hope this helps someone. If not, don't worry. There are 9 more that might resonate with you.

I'm Writing a Novel...

So you can all get off my back now!!! :)

Given my extremely interesting and unconventional childhood, I have been told since age 8 or 9 that I was going to "HAVE TO WRITE A BOOK SOMEDAY". I really, really hate being told what to do. So I balked at the notion. As my adult life managed to outdo my childhood through a series of bright ideas and brilliant associations (that is dark sarcasm), the material is stacking up quite high.

When you have 7 months and counting of 100% free time on your hands, you can work out the kinks in various ideas you have been knocking around in the back of your head.

About 3 or 4 years ago, I decided I'm more of an essayist. A short-story writer. None of this novel stuff for me. That takes commitment aka The C Word. Nope. I was going to do a book of short stories. Then I haven't. I start. I stop. I start. I stop. It doesn't speak to me. Not now anyway.

There has been one idea that I can't shake. Every time I think of it, I visualize it as a series. Not an American series where an good idea is raped into the ground to mine every drop of inspiration out of it. A BBC series. Three seasons TOPS. Six episodes each. Eighteen small installments to tell the story of this woman. Of the at least 7 or 8 ideas I have, this is the one that I would call my baby. So I have been thinking of it more as a series, and it's starting to take on more and more of a life of its own.

A couple of weeks ago I was really thinking about it. Thinking about how I would soooooo watch this if it was a show. But I would want to have total control over it. I wouldn't want to pitch the idea and let some Hollywood jerkoffs ruin it. Which, if they ever were interested in it, is exactly what would happen. So I was trying to think how to circumvent that. Then it hit me. 18 episodes are 18 chapters. Carla. You have your novel.

So there you have it. I'm writing a novel.


You're welcome.

Endings

We all know that nothing lasts. It's the impermanence of many things in life that make them special. Jobs, friendships, romantic relationships, and ultimately life itself are all on borrowed time. This immutable fact was one that I struggled with, but feel I have come to embrace.

Then something kind of stirs the pot. Oddly enough the ending of "The Office" did that for me. This was not the first time either. It happened last year with the ending of "Desperate Housewives" and "Weeds". I found myself mourning the ending of a show? Huh??? I mean I dig TV, but to feel actual separation anxiety - that's a bit much.

Then I thought about it. All these shows had rather lengthy runs. When they all started, I was with my ex-husband. I was living in a nice condo. With my nice life. Everything running so smoothly. Well actually things were not, but I rewrite that part in my head. These shows were always there. When various parts of my life started to break away, the crazy girls of Wisteria Lane were sitting around dealing with their crazy messy lives. When I left all I knew behind to get over my heartbreak and try to start a new life, Jim and Pam were still new and was fun to route for them. We'll just leave the comparisons of my life to Nancy Botwin's alone...

If I'm perfectly honest, I was griping about how the show lost its edge for the last 3 seasons or so. But isn't that just like life? You let a mediocre thing drag on because it's easier than parting with it.

**sorry for the weird layout. i swear to God, they change this damn thing every time i leave it for a month or two -- seeeeee IMPERMANENCE!!!!

Closing Doors

I had a rather life-altering week - for the better, I believe. It's not too often you're able to listen to a recording of yourself talking to someone about the innermost workings of your heart at a point in time. I was able to do that. I played a recording of me talking about all that was going on inside me last Spring. It was astonished to listen to me, in my own voice telling this person how I felt about several things that are now no longer in my life. I was very passionate. You could hear it in my voice and as I heard it was thrust back to that moment. Remembering things as they were not as I have rewritten them to be.

I created a lot of events that eventually moved things I didn't want out of my life. Where I felt powerless, I see I had total autonomy. I don't know if I really got that I am that much in control. I think I tend to want to play it passive still. Let others "take control" so I don't have to do the dirty work. I wrote an email to someone last week telling them that I didn't want to see them anymore. Surprisingly, they were good with it. I stated it nicely. I don't mean them any harm. I just don't want them in my life. I am going to continue this where need be.

I never saw how much people in my life tell me what to do. Mostly the men. In one way or another, they try to exert control over me. Having such a controlling husband, I think I have allowed this to go on with friends because it's oddly comfortable. Or it was. I don't like it, and I actually resent it. I didn't really get that until I vented to a couple girlfriends about it this week.

The biggest epiphany was realizing that no man, currently in my life, is "The One". I've held several (like at least 4 or 5) doors open thinking "ehh, maaaaayyybe he might be the one - eventually". NOPE. No one who is in my life right now is "The One". Doors CLOSED. I feel soooo fucking free doing that. Like anything is possible now.

"This Is Not My Town and It Will Never Be"

I have been a tourist my whole life.  Never putting down roots, always moving on.  The way I grew up was very gypsy-esque.  I don't mind it.  I sometimes did at the time.  I craved having friends that I could be with on a consistent basis, but that was not possible.  As a result, I was GREAT at making instant 'friends'.  I also knew though that I'd probably never see them again.  If I had facebook back then, it might have been a different story.

I think this affected my choice in mates.  Always picking those who allowed me in - as a tourist - in their lives.  I was a sight-seer on a temporary visa.  Little more than that.  Most notably the relationship with my ex-husband (even Citizenship can be revoked) fits this mold.  I heard this song today that really sums it all up.  All I got were his copied keys...


Kathleen Edwards "Copied Keys"

This is not my town and it will never be
This is our apartment filled with your things
This is your life, I get copied keys
Try and force a little smile, hold it a little while for you

These are your old streets and you know them well
One way shortcuts all the way downtown
But your favorite find is just my secondhand secret
Try and hide a little pain for the things I can't explain to you

These are your good friends and I like them fine
'Cause they are your past and present time
But would you even be the same if you left them behind
All the things I used to be, all the things I miss of me for you

'Cause these are your good friends and I like them fine
These are your old streets and you know them well
This is not my town and it will never be
And it will never be and it will never be
And it will never be and it will never be ours, ours



Anyway, I have moved on from him to other sights.  I keep moving from one to the next; seeing something that catches my eye and holds my attention for a season or two.  Always secretly hoping something would 'stick'.  The latest one holds more promise than others in recent history.  I have no illusions though - I'm sure I'll be wandering on like the Nomad I clearly am...

Addicted to Love / Allergic to Domesticity

I am an enigma to myself. Carla the Conundrum. I can't figure out what I want approx 99% of the time. I think that I want love, but then I clearly go out of my way to select men who are unavailable in a variety of ways either geographically, emotionally, or because they are already with someone.

As I set myself up for my next fall, I am asking myself "What the FUCK???" yet again. By now, I know what I do. I see what I do. I lust for The Chase. That I see very clearly. It fuels me. I am more productive in my writing. I light up. I feel like I'm more in Flow when I'm in pursuit. When it all goes wrong is usually when I have gotten what I want or I'm getting close to it or I have gotten close enough to see it's not what I thought it was.

I was talking to my ex-husband a week ago (before we stopped speaking to one another again - he was going to come visit and I picked a fight -SHOCKER) and he said something really interesting. I was breaking down for him why I was no longer into someone that I had been SUPER interested in. I told him all the reasons why. He said, "That's not why." I was thrown and annoyed, "Well FINE. YOU tell me why I'm not interested in him anymore!!" Ex, "You figured him out. He no longer intrigues you. As soon as someone is not a mystery to you anymore you are done with them." This floored me for several reasons. I never knew that he paid that much attention to me. The BIG reason though - I think he's right. I think that is my problem.

So I know the problem, I think. What is the solution? Endless futile pursuits of men that I don't really want to ever catch? I mean, maybe that is MY answer. Why is it whenever I see people's wedding pics I get scared and ask "What the hell are you guys doing?" Conversely, why is it with a select, few people that seem magical together that I cheer for them and secretly hope that they are together till the end?

Sometimes I think that an open marriage might work for me. Then I ask, "Why even get married?". I also ask, "Why does any of this matter?" "Why are you trying to fit yourself into a box that Conventional Society thinks you should be in when you shun most of Conventional Society's norms?"

There are no easy answers to any of this. I know I'm not alone in it. I see others play this out, but I usually see it in men. So I feel strange. I am sure other women are just like this, but they never share it with me if they are.

I need to make peace with this, but where is the fun in that? :)

Damn You, Alan Ball, and Your Photo-Sensitive Hotties!!!

Mr. Ball, you have given me much entertainment in the Vampire Porn that is "True Blood", and I am grateful for the insane number of fantasies you have fostered by introducing me to Alexander Skarsgård and Joe Montessori? Monticello? Mangia?* - Hot Italian who plays Alcide who is so hot I can't contain both the image of him and his correct name in my brain.

As if all this was not enough fuel for my fire, you gave me "Banshee". Between Antony Starr, Ulrich Thomsen, Hoon Lee (especially in drag), Ben Cross (whom I've loved since I was a kid) and even Ivana Millicevic (because she is stunning and I believe she could save me if the shit went down) my cup runneth over - sorry for that image. I have enjoyed the bounty that is "Banshee" - until last night.

Last night you did what was the impossible. You made me hot for an albino. An albino. Do you know how much I love the sun? My nickname used to be "The Sun Goddess of Park Lake". What would an albino and I have in common? What would a vampire and I have in common you might ask? We love to wear black, brood, and be sexy, so there is commonality there. I love silver, garlic, my reflection, and sun so those would be our challenges to overcome. Also, I'm relatively certain they are figments of our sexy imaginations. Albinos are real!! Now, I have to deal with the fact that maybe there is a hot albino out there for me. I have shit to do, Mr. Ball. I don't need sexy Albinos in my head, but it's too late.

If you come up with a show with a hot mole-man, you and me are THROUGH!!!!




*Manganiello - I looked it up.

Do What You Love and...

- you'll never work a day in your life. OR - the money will follow.

You hear variations of this notion quite often, especially if you're a Self-Help devotee like me. I strived to achieve this when I became a Life Coach close to 4 years ago now. That was "what I loved" and I DO love doing it. I still do it here and there. Never seen a dime from it. I think I like it better that way. I don't know if it would be as special to me if I took payment for it. I'm not saying it wouldn't be. I just don't know.

The reason for my post is not about what I thought I would love to do. It is for what I usually do Credit/Collections Manager. I got into this field back in my California days. I helped someone start his own agency. It was SUPER small scale, but I gained a lot of experience and an impressive entry on the old CV for someone who was in her very early 20's at the time. This led to me being pigeon holed in the Credit/Collections world with a couple small exceptions.

At some point in the last 5 years I made peace with the fact that, even though my degree in Management is rather broad-based, I was in a niche and needed to accept that. So I did. No biggie. This is what I do. I'm getting better and better at it. Done it for 4 different industries now. Have a vision of where I can go with this and it's a pretty nice payday.

I've been out of work for the last few months now, and as I learned in my time in Austin, I'm in the WRONG town for what I do. I was even told by a recruiter "You have the best resume I've seen for what you do. The problem is - you are in the wrong market,there are NO jobs for that here." So it's a been a struggle here. I had an interview yesterday that really excited me. Like I didn't sleep a minute last night I was so excited about the prospect. As I was making dinner last night, I was staring into my refrigerator and said "Oh my God, I AM doing what I love. WHEN THE F__ DID THAT HAPPEN???"

So yeah, don't know when that happened, but it apparently has. That which I used to hate became something I'm getting better and better at and now - apparently even get excited about.

Who'd have thunk it?

Love: It TRULY Is the Thought That Counts

This is my 37th Valentine's Day. I have mixed feelings about this day. I DO agree that it's a commercialism nightmare. How many trinkets, baubles, chocolates, flowers, dinners do we really need? Yet, we're made to feel like we are missing something if we don't have the day acknowledged in some form or fashion.


I thought I was above all this nonsense until last year when my live-in bf did NOTHING for the day. He thought because of my hatred of conventionality that zero acknowledgment of the day was the way to go. We both learned he was wrong. I was STUNNED how upset I was. As I told him, "You're a writer, you couldn't have written something nice to me?" That was yet another great reminder that I never feel more alone than when I'm "with" someone. For my part, I was unemployed (I know right?) and he was using my car to get to his job. So I walked to the store and got all the makings of a romantic dinner and a sweet card. This, of course, made his grievous error all the more painful.


This year, I expected nothing from today since I am unattached, but was very pleasantly surprised by several gestures done for me. Text messages of "Happy Valentine's Day", thoughtful emails, and my favorite of all a Sonnet by Shakespeare - that is all I want. I don't want things. I was with someone who liked to buy my love. You can't. Mine's not for sale. I just want a sweet, thoughtful gesture. I'm really a cheap date. :)


I'm in a weird place right now. Trying to figure out if I really want to be with anyone or not. Seeing I have people in my life who make me feel not alone even though I'm not tied to them makes me think that I could have the best of both worlds if I just embrace solitude and yet keep my heart open to the love around me. I don't know. The bottom line has not been written. All I know is that for me, it is the thought that counts. As long as I have people in my life thinking of me and DEMONSTRATING that - I'm quite satisfied.


Happy Valentine's Day to you all. I, more than likely, love you in my own weird little way. <3

Lather, WINCE, Repeat...

Lather, Rinse, Repeat. Lather, Rinse, Repeat. Laaaather. Riiiiinse. Repeeeat. The tedium of it all is sometimes overwhelming to me. I may be in a different shower, in a different apartment, in a different city, in a different state, in a different country even. There are some things that will send me into the depths of despair OR might make the whole thing worth hanging on to - depending on my outlook on any given day.

Some days, I find the minutia beautiful. Some days, I find it unbearable. What's it all about, why are we here, does it even matter? I think that it does, sometimes, to you, to me. I think we are inherently narcissists trying to rationalize our importance. I think each person derives their own meaning. Sometimes I thing I'm close to finding mine, and others I feel hopelessly adrift - no closer to my purpose today than the day I was born.

We soldier on though, don't we? Someone of great importance to me sent me a very interesting video today of Christopher Hitchens. He was talking about his Atheist friends who envy those who still have faith in God. Then he asked why they envied being enslaved to an idea. That really hit me as I am one who envies my former, oblivious self. I don't know how to transition form someone who was taught to be hooked on a mythical notion to being a freestanding-face-the-good-face-the-bad person.

Just my thoughts tonight. Take them in. Spit them out. Do with them what you like...

The Long and Winding Road: Five Years Ago Today

Five years ago today, I had just finished up a two month process of selling off my 3 bedroom house full of furniture and saying good bye to all but one that I loved back home in Florida. The moving truck full of remaining furniture that would accompany me on my uncertain journey was packed up around late afternoon. My three cats (completely different from my current three) were all really that mattered to me at that point were finally captured and in my car. Evil and Wicked in the back seat and Princess Zoe Zou-Zou riding shot gun. We will drive all night stopping only for gas to arrive in Austin on Jan 31st (2008).

Then like now I had been laid off in the fall. Then like now I was hoping for something amazing to happen, but just didn't know what. I just knew I wanted something/someone/anything different than what my last 15 yrs had been.

In the last five years, I met dozens of interesting, wonderful, and a couple terrible people here. Some were greatly important for a season. A small handful I know I will know till the end. My bond with those back home grew stronger and even more meaningful in my absence. One of the great wonders of our modern time is that even when we're 'alone' there is someone always around online.

I have learned a great deal about myself. I'm definitely not the same woman that got in that car five years ago. Some things about this current woman I like, and some things I don't. The time has not been an easy one for me. I spent about 85% of my time feeling I made a huge mistake coming here, that I took a wrong turn. I feel that less now. I have NO clue what this experience is leading me to, but I hope it will be to something amazing. Just perhaps not in the immediate future.

I can say this about me. Right, wrong, or indifferent - I follow my heart. My heart led me here. What I came for didn't pan out. I'm trying to look at these experiences as stepping stones leading me to where I'm to go next. Trying to less look at the destination as I have finally learned that whatever MY destination is - I'll never get there. It's the journey.