I am an enigma to myself. Carla the Conundrum. I can't figure out what I want approx 99% of the time. I think that I want love, but then I clearly go out of my way to select men who are unavailable in a variety of ways either geographically, emotionally, or because they are already with someone.
As I set myself up for my next fall, I am asking myself "What the FUCK???" yet again. By now, I know what I do. I see what I do. I lust for The Chase. That I see very clearly. It fuels me. I am more productive in my writing. I light up. I feel like I'm more in Flow when I'm in pursuit. When it all goes wrong is usually when I have gotten what I want or I'm getting close to it or I have gotten close enough to see it's not what I thought it was.
I was talking to my ex-husband a week ago (before we stopped speaking to one another again - he was going to come visit and I picked a fight -SHOCKER) and he said something really interesting. I was breaking down for him why I was no longer into someone that I had been SUPER interested in. I told him all the reasons why. He said, "That's not why." I was thrown and annoyed, "Well FINE. YOU tell me why I'm not interested in him anymore!!" Ex, "You figured him out. He no longer intrigues you. As soon as someone is not a mystery to you anymore you are done with them." This floored me for several reasons. I never knew that he paid that much attention to me. The BIG reason though - I think he's right. I think that is my problem.
So I know the problem, I think. What is the solution? Endless futile pursuits of men that I don't really want to ever catch? I mean, maybe that is MY answer. Why is it whenever I see people's wedding pics I get scared and ask "What the hell are you guys doing?" Conversely, why is it with a select, few people that seem magical together that I cheer for them and secretly hope that they are together till the end?
Sometimes I think that an open marriage might work for me. Then I ask, "Why even get married?". I also ask, "Why does any of this matter?" "Why are you trying to fit yourself into a box that Conventional Society thinks you should be in when you shun most of Conventional Society's norms?"
There are no easy answers to any of this. I know I'm not alone in it. I see others play this out, but I usually see it in men. So I feel strange. I am sure other women are just like this, but they never share it with me if they are.
I need to make peace with this, but where is the fun in that? :)
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