You Can't Go Back

Arguably, this is the best my life has ever been. Hands down. No contest. THEE BEST. Do I have everything I want? Fuck no! And that's a good thing. For a person like me, that's a GREAT thing. I always need the next thing. It drives me. It does most people, but I know it does me for a fact.

But I'm a bit, wistful for the past. Specifically my time in Austin. I miss the people I knew there. I miss the me that I was there. It was such a fantastic time for me and about 60% of the time, I knew it. I was sad, don't get me wrong. I fell for someone there, nothing came of it, and that haunted me - FOR YEARS. But I still loved that time.

I find myself trying to grab a little of that magic. I will see someone post on a friend's page or something. That will lead me to explore what has gone on in their lives. It seems a lot of people I knew then are no longer in Austin either. Their lives have moved on too, of course, happily I hope.

Sometimes, Mister and I talk about where we go from here. Florida is not the dream destination for either of us. Most signs point to the Pacific NorthWest or perhaps Montana. But every so often, he will throw out, "What about Austin". And I got excited at the prospect. There are still a few people left I talk to and love and miss terribly. But would that be wise? Would I subconsciously be trying to live an a life that no longer exists?

So what's the point of this post? No point really. Just what got me up at 3 or 4 this morning and wouldn't let me return to sleep.

Father’s Day

Last year the day landed the week after Grandfather passed. I was worried about today, but after the grief-fest of the last few weeks (Freudian slip, I accidentally wrote years because that is far more accurate).

I’m doing well. Nice to see friends’ posts of their fathers. It’s so wonderful how many people have loving, caring parents. For the rest of us, it’s wonderful that other people stepped in to give us that as my Grandparents did for me.

This year has really shown me how much Grandfather was the patriarch. His abscense is staggering. On the anniversary of his passing, this photo I took 3 years prior at a convention popped up. I remember being very struck by the oddness of being all alone in this huge hall. There should have been a few people around but there weren’t. It now feels like a premonition of what this past year held. Amazing who stood by and helped and who vanished.

The world feels like this hall now, with the ubiquitous empty chair.

I will always miss you, Grandfather. Happy Father’s Day

My Last Meal with My Grandfather

Today is 50 weeks since I lost my Grandfather. I'm hit hard with that this afternoon. I am sitting here crying. Listening to the rain hit the skylight and reflecting. I did a little calculating in my head and it occurred to me that the last meal we had together, which is kind of the day I feel like I saw a glimpse of my Grandfather for the last time, was a Sunday morning that officially will be a year ago on Memorial Day. He replied to an email I had sent him asking if he needed anything. I was regularly cooking for him at this point as my Grandmother was occupied enough with just taking care of all his other needs. He wrote back asking me to go to McDonald's...


Hello Car

Thank you for your message, and, gentle concern for my well-being...little or no appetite these days...but I have a suggestion...would you mind
getting a "Big Breakfast" for
Me...tomorrow...at say, about
8:30 a.m.? Pancakes, potato,
Syrup, etc....and a egg McMuffin for Grandmother and yourself? It would help get the day off to a good start...don't ask Grandmother about this...for she would probably cancel the order, and I don't wish for that to happen..
Thanks for your help
Grandfather


This is a part of our last email exchange. I, of course, saw him all the way to the end. And we had a great final afternoon together before he slipped into a coma. He died 10:50am on Jun 10, 2017, a Saturday morning. I was getting dressed to go be with him for the rest of the day. We were told it could be a week before he passed so I was surprised when the phone rang. But I knew.

I knew in that email he knew. This was all he could do. He barely could come to the table to eat. I see him, my six and a 1/2 foot tall giant of a Grandfather hunched over. Barely able to slide his walker across the berber carpet. I am HAUNTED by that image. Whenever people see me crying, I'm inevitably thinking about that. It breaks me to my core. He did it though. For Grandmother and I. The Three Musketeers we called ourselves, since I was little. It was our last meal together out of the thousands we had shared, all over the globe. Not in an exotic locale, not in a beautiful restaurant with amazing culinary fare. In our condo's little kitchen, breakfast from McDonald's, that none of us really felt like eating because we knew.


I will treasure the memory of that breakfast, that morning, for the rest of my life.

My Annual Check-In Blog Update

Well, well, well. Seems it's been another year (okay more than that) since my last posting. As one might expect, my life looks different now from a year ago, but most don't know how radically different. Thank God, I can say every bit of it is for the better.

In 2014, I finally found what/who I had been looking for. While I knew it then, I did not KNOW it then. That knowing has evolved and developed over the last 3 years, but this year it saw a terrific leap forward to something I only dreamed I would get to experience. Finding the right partner for you when you are not like the others is a game-changer. Yes. People usually like me, or are intrigued by me even if they find me off-putting for their tastes. But someone GETTING you. Seeing you and all your flaws and saying, "Carla, you are the one." That's rocketed me into so much personal growth and reflection that I'm truly changed by it.

Everything in my life is different now on the inside. Soon the outward manifestations will show to those in my life. 2017 will see me moving cross-country yet again. This time I'm not running from a man, to a man, I'm blissfully and calming going with THEE man. The man who I want to share the rest of my life with. The man I want to share my hopes and dreams with. The man I want to have children with if we are so blessed. The man that I have no back-up plans with that small (or great) reservation in the back of my mind and heart, "What if it all goes wrong?" That's always been there with everyone else. That was there the first 2/3 of this relationship and nearly caused us to lose everything. I couldn't believe he was real. I couldn't believe he could love. That he could see all the heartache/heartbreak, all the damage, and say, "Yeah, You Carla, I choose this." He finally got it through to me - this is real. The struggles I have faced this year that he made seem like nothing would have broken down any of my prior relationships. We have gotten stronger and stronger.

This post is not a gloating session. I don't mean for it to be. I mean for it to give you courage and inspiration if you are feeling all alone. All alone whether your are will someone or not. There can be a real healing from connecting with someone like I have with Jared. So, if you think you have that with someone or you KNOW you do - don't let that go!! This is a precious gift. If you don't have it, I believe you can attract it to you. I truly do. I was slowly but surely calling Jared into my life. I just didn't see it till he was there.

Get really, really clear on what you want and only dwell on that. Don't sit with what you don't want. Only focus on good feelings. I believe you will reveal your true heart's desire.

Wishing you all the best in 2017!! (and I really will try to get back to posting)

Soooooooooooo, It's Been Awhile...

Well, well, well. Oct 2013 was my last post. What's happened since then? ummmm, EVERY THING!!!!!!!!!

I would have just landed back in one of the last places on Earth I would have wanted to live yet again (Florida aka the US' Punchline). BUT the time here has not been misspent, regardless of what my radical mood swings might tell me.

Love/Home.
Six months after my last post I met a fella. Almost a year and 1/2 now. It was a whirlwind romance so we've been living together this whole time. One month into that we got a dog. Yes. I am a dog owner (the 3 cats from Texas are all alive and fairly well, one's a senior and having issues). So home life is much different than it's ever been in my life. Despite having been married before, I now feel like this is my first ADULT relationship. He and I are so much alike that it's wonderful 97% of the time. The other 3% we mirror what we find frustrating in one another. I have learned a lot. He's wanted to strangle me a lot. All in all, I find him magical. He feels like home - which is all I've ever wanted. He makes me laugh, all the time. He might be smarter than I. That's a tough one for me, but I dig it. He challenges me, in a good way. He's badass, and dozens of other things that I never thought I'd get all in one man.

Career.
Professionally, I'm progressively working my way up in my field. I make double what I did in Texas and have the best title to date. That's awesome. I'm not happy though. I commute to Daytona from Orlando. We'd move closer, but I don't see myself staying with this company long since 2 yrs is my limit and I'm at the 1/2 way marker. So, I have started exploring an even higher position OUT THERE. Putting it out to the Universe that I'm open to relocate given the right location/position. Mister would love to get the fuck out of Dodge too (he moved to FL from Chicago about 6 mos before I did and loathes it here even more than I).

Family.
That's tough. My Grandparents' health has declined so rapidly in the time I've been here that I really feel like I don't know them anymore. It's difficult to admit, but I have a hard time being around them. It's like being around people I don't know and who don't really know me yet they look familiar. This has been really, really hard on me. I nightmare about it almost nightly. I'm literally blocks from them, and have helped with the numerous hospital runs that have occurred in the last 9-10 months, but I've distanced myself greatly from them. Not proud.

Friends.
I'm officially the shittiest friend now. I really only text and at that not so much. My job has me so exhausted ALL the time that I barely have the energy needed at home, therefore NO energy for anything outside home/work. I hope to change that though. If I locate a job in Orlando, I intend to get my shit together and be more present for my friends who are nothing but true blue.

Future.
Mister and I share several awesome dreams. He has an added advantage. He's almost 6 yrs younger than I. I turned 40 in April and I feel like the clock is massively ticking down on it all. This frustrates and worries me. Right now we are not in a position to act on the majority of what we want and while we talk about putting plans into place, we seem to tread water. I'm sure I'm being impatient. That's my nature. But I really feel that we don't have that much time and I see others living out their dreams and worry we're just wasting time. I need to spearhead things more. Just writing this I see that.

Writing.
I discovered a site where all kinds of freelance writing opportunities are posted. I initially found it because Mister is a wine writer and there were some great opportunities for him, but in exploring it I saw that there might be some for me as well. I will look into that further. It would be fantastic to have a creative outlet and another stream of income to maybe start financing some of our dreams.

I feel I want to write a lot more, but I shall come back. This is today as it was for me years back very cathartic to share my thoughts regardless if they're viewed by anyone or not.

If you are reading this, thank you for 'listening'.

-Carla

38.5: Half Birthday Musings

Well a lot has changed this year. A LOT. Oddly enough my change in geography is not the biggest change that I've gone through. A week ago today I hit the one year marker of unemployment. Crazy Town. I'm still stupefied by that whole scene, but given the interest in me here I'm not feeling too stressed about it. So unemployment and the move where/are big factors. Not the biggest though.

The biggest. I have no goddamned idea what I want out of life any more. NO IDEA. That's really hard for someone who is goal-oriented. Everything that I wanted leaves me feeling hollow now. I suppose that could be seen as liberating. Oddly, I find it dismantling. I do know what I don't want. So that's at least something.

Someone asked me 2 days ago what my hopes and dreams were. I still haven't answered that email...

Rapid Descent into Madness

Once I make up my mind, I'm a runaway train. Unfortunately this means my mind won't turn the fuck off for me to get any sleep. I got some yesterday between the hours of 8am to Noon. I have been up ever since. I have researched it all. Houses near potential job. Sailboats. MeetUp Groups. MeetUp Groups for Sailing. Dudes. Dudes who Sail.

I'd really like to get some sleep. Brain says, "No."

Self Reflection: Leaving Austin

The end of July will mark the 5 & 1/2 yr point of my time in Austin. I moved here vowing to "give it five years". I felt that was sufficient time to make a break with what I was running from and sufficient time to find something to hold me here.


I don't know how I feel about my time in Austin. The first 2 yrs I definitely felt I made a huge mistake. Nothing was going right for me. Then something that I thought was magical happened. I was wrong, but it strung me along for bit of the journey here. Then the latter part has really been total and complete shit. No one in their right mind would dispute that. It's bordering on comical how wrong my life has gone. So I gave notice that I would not be renewing my lease on Monday. Barring some wonderful job falling out of the sky, I'm definitely out of here around Labor Day.


I keep trying to explore how I feel about all this. I can't really tell just yet. I guess because it's not 100% done. I have two recruiters trying to entice me with two different positions here. Given the last 9 months of excitement and let down in the job search, I have zero expectations. So if something comes through that's great. If not, oh well. The question is - do i even want anything to come through? I don't think that I do. I really think I'm ready to go. I know I'm leaving Austin. It's not my town. Cool town, but just not for me. So it's a question of when and not if I'm going. I just hate having to get rid of all my stuff (I'm not moving shit this time!!!) and packing up the cats and driving all night. I know it's not really that big of a deal, but it's like my Vietnam. It's absolutely hellish for me.


All that aside, the big question(s) - what was the point of it all? Why did the last 5.5 yrs happen to me? What did I learn? Am I a better person? Am I a worse person? Will I look back on this someday and laugh? (Cause I'm NOT laughing right now) Could I not have learned all I did here elsewhere and been a bit happier? Would all 3 of my cats have passed away if I hadn't brought them here?


I could pontificate (and my close friends will tell you that I do - DAILY) on all the possible answers to these questions. I suppose the answers will reveal themselves in time. Or they won't. Maybe it meant nothing. Maybe it was just 5.5 of my PRIME years wasted in the wrong place and time wasted on the wrong men. That's the fear. Because that's how it feels. I feel like a fool right now.


This is DEFINITELY not my finest hour.

Ways You Give Your Power Away: Taking the Easy Way Out

Hello, All

Thank you to those who have been reading faithfully each day. I hope these have helped you. Quoting one last time from "Waking Up Groggy"


"10. Taking the easy way out

It’s easier to follow status quo and do what’s expected, or what’s the least challenging but it deadens your soul. You’re here to fulfill a mission and it’s your mission alone.

How many times have you found yourself giving too much energy to something that’s insignificant? Shying away from our fears is giving our power away because strength comes from overcoming challenges and obstacles. Strength comes from facing our fears head on until we are no longer afraid.

Recognize where you might be giving your power away and take steps to change. The result will be feeling your inner fire and walking tall and strong on your own path."



Growing is hard. Reaching out for something new is scary. At times I have all the courage in the world, other times, like now, I feel stripped of every drop of courage. I question all the times I have stepped out confidently moving towards what I want only to have it slip through my fingers. So I guess my challenge to myself with all this is to look how I'm giving away my power. Perhaps if I stop, I'll regain the strength I need to keep forging through the difficult times to where I'm meant to be. I still do NOT know where that is, but surely I'm closer. Right?

My challenge to you - you are amazing. Whether I know you or not, I know that. There is something special about you. So don't let people or things in your life drain you of your power. Go back and reread these if you have to. Go to "Waking Up Groggy"'s blog where they are all in a single post. Look and see where you're allowing yourself to be weakened. Then STAND UP. Refuse to let this go on any further.

You do that, I will take my own advice, and together we will stand strong. :)

Ways You Give Away Your Power: Worship

Oh this is one I could go on and on and on about. My idol of choice is Men. Specifically a certain man that changes everything for me. Your idol? Is it your job? Your car? Your Favorite Athlete? Most of us have them.

Quoting from "Waking Up Groggy"


9. Worship

There is not a single person on this planet deserving of your worship. To worship someone is to believe they are better than you, they have something you don’t have, they have something you’re lacking…there is no guru, priest, rabbi, celebrity, motivational speaker, man woman or child you should ever bow down to or look up to. Nobody knows the secrets of the universe, nobody has all of the answers, nobody is better than you and to worship another is lowering yourself to a subordinate level.

There’s nothing wrong with loving someone’s work and being inspired by them…just know they aren’t greater than you. We each have our own unique gifts and each of us adds something special to this world.


This always reminds me of Chaz Palminteri in "Bronx Tale"

Young Calogero: "Bill Mazeroski, I hate him. He made Mickey Mantle cry. The papers said the Mick cried."

Sonny: "Mickey Mantle? That's what you're upset about? Mantle makes $100,000 a year. How much does your father make? If your dad ever can't pay the rent and needs money, go ask Mickey Mantle. See what happens. Mickey Mantle don't care about you. Why care about him?"

Calogero: [narrating] "After that, I never felt the same way about the Yankees."


So there you have it. Mickey Mantle don't care about you, why care about him? Don't give Mickey Mantle your power!!! :P



Tomorrow it all ends. Power Thief "Taking the Easy Way Out".

Ways You Give Your Power Away: Being a Doormat

Getting closer to the end. Copied from "Waking Up Groggy"


8. Being a doormat

It’s not selfish to say no, you have a right to live your own life and do your own thing. There is no good reason to constantly do what other people tell you to do without question. You’re not being cruel by refusing to put yourself out for someone else. Don’t allow others to walk all over you.

You know what a doormat is for? Cleaning the dirt off the bottom of shoes, don’t let other people wipe their shit on you.


Oh me oh my. I was a doormat. Just for a couple select people, but I was. I find that I tend to be a doormat for the men I care about. Hence my desire to be alone.


Tomorrow's Power Thief: Worship --- Yep, I do that too.

Ways You Give Your Power Away: Believing Everything Is Love & Light, Kittens, and Rainbows

Day 7 and Power Thief 7. Copying from "Waking Up Groggy"


Believing everything is love and light, kittens and rainbows

This is disempowering because denying an essential part of your being is to live in fear of your own nature…. we all have a dark side- we all get angry, we all can be pushed to violent reactions and we all have thoughts that we wouldn’t want anyone to know about…it’s called being human. Life is both dark and light, if you don’t embrace and accept your dark side and the dark side of life you become weak and a victim.


I. Fucking. Hate. This. Shit. Being into self-help the way I am, I get around waaaayyyyy too much of this. I find people who do this to either a) be in total denial b) be a RAGING PHONY c) a combo of both. Honestly, I really feel it's more B for Total B.S.

If you want to do this to yourself go for it, but don't do it around me. You won't know me for long.


Tomorrow's Power Thief "Being a Doormat"

Ways You Give Your Power Away: Allowing Others to Make Decisions and/or Speak for You

Copying again from "Waking Up Groggy"'s blog


6. Allowing others to make decisions and/or speak for you

Whether it’s low self-esteem, laziness, not enough time or energy it’s not an excuse for allowing others to run your life. You have it within you to make a good decision, you can do the research, you can use your own intuition, you don’t need someone else to make all of your decisions….stand up for yourself, speak up, don’t let others dominate you.

If you continue to allow others to run your life, ask yourself; do you enjoy living as a slave?



I don't do this one too much anymore, but I certainly used to. I think for me it was more fear of making the wrong decision or my serial People-Pleasing that drove it.


Tomorrow's Power Thief 7. Believing everything is love and light, kittens, and rainbows.

Ways You Give Your Power Away: Feeling Sorry for Yourself or Someone Else

Super-duper guilty of this one. More on the pity party kick lately and I dislike that tremendously. Here is what "Waking Up Groggy" wrote.


5. Feeling sorry for yourself or someone else

Pity is disempowering; you don’t help anyone by giving them your pity. Give love, give encouragement, give support and compassion but not pity. To pity someone is like taking a vacuum hose and sucking the life right out of them. The same goes for yourself, feeling sorry for yourself does nothing other than keep you stuck, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t grieve or feel hurt it means stop feeling like a victim and get proactive.


I feel she really summed it up. You don't need me to pontificate on this.


Tomorrow's Time Thief "#6 Allowing Other to Make Decisions and/or Speak for You"

Ways You Give Away Your Power: NOBODY Completes You!!!

Fuck You, Jerry McGuire!!!! One line from a so-so 90's movie ruined me and no doubt countless others for years. Today's Power Thief per "Waking Up Groggy" is

4. Believing someone else has the power to make you feel whole/sane/worthy/happy/alive
There is no man or woman who can save you from yourself.

There isn’t anyone you can’t live without.

There isn’t anyone who completes you.

You don’t need anyone to stand on your own two feet and feel strong.

Sometimes someone comes along who sweeps us off our feet, we feel energized and like the sun rises and sets just for the two of us. There’s nothing wrong with passion as long as it’s kept in check. Don’t let someone else take over your heart and mind no matter how intoxicating….you can enjoy your own company; you don’t need someone else to feel alive.

The other way we give our power away is by giving someone else all of the credit for our own personal achievements. Catch yourself when you say things like “I couldn’t have done it without them”… yes you could have. Be grateful for the support however take credit for your own accomplishments!

I need to write this entire thing on my bathroom mirror as it is probably my biggest stumbling block of the 10. I love a hero, god, idol to worship and revere. It's almost like I can't help myself. I pick one every few years and can name them off to you. There haven't been many, but they completely alter the orbit of my world. I also inevitably fall in love with these men (it's always been men up to this point), and I usually can't have them because they are attached to others or completely mental or both. This one is so hard for me that I feel I am relegated to a life of solitude because no other men will do it for me and it's unhealthy for me to be with them. I usually end up cutting myself off from them completely. Physically run away or just stay away.

I clearly have a lot of work to do on this one.



Tomorrow's Power Thief "Feeling sorry for yourself or someone else" (that's another one of mine.)

Ways You Give Your Power Away: Obsessing Over Someone's Bad Behavior

Item 3 on "Waking Up Groggy"'s list of the 10 ways we give away our power is to fixate on someone else's bad behavior.

Quoting directly

Some people are assholes…period. In fact, some people get off on making other people miserable, and they aren’t going to change. Constantly complaining about their bad behavior, talking about it with anyone who will listen and feeling victimized by them is like bowing down at their feet and calling them master.

Ignore them, don’t engage…no matter how tempting it is, don’t engage! Ignore them completely and they’ll move on.

This is a no brainer yet one I certainly fell into myself. My identity got wrapped up in someone's insanity. For years. I actually moved on my myself. Physically left. Now I have zero tolerance for anyone's bullshit and usually can see it from a mile away.

Tomorrow's Power Thief: 4. Believing Someone Else Has the Power to Make You Feel Whole/Sane/Worthy/Happy/Alive

Ways You Give Away Your Power: Feeling Guilty

This is not one of mine fortunately. I mean I will have occasional pangs of guilt, but they quickly pass. That is the beauty of getting religion out of your life. My family doesn't get me with it either because their expectations are routed in religion. So basically, I tell myself "They expect x because they believe y" and I'm right as rain. To be clear, there are constructive forms of guilt, but that's not what I'm talking about here.

Copying again from "Waking Up Groggy":


"Guilt is one of the most draining, disempowering emotion there is, it has its purposes but most often it’s used a tool of manipulation. If someone is trying to make you feel guilty about something you enjoy, don’t listen to them! They have no right to tell you how to live your life, everyone has their own idea about what they consider good or bad but it comes down to what’s right for you. As long as you aren’t hurting yourself or another person and it makes you happy then have at it, let others mind their own business."


This one makes me want to shake people, as I'm sure people wanted to shake me into the next life with my hang-ups. I totally see it as a 'tool of manipulation'. I see people make huge, life-altering decisions due to guilt, obligation, expectation whatever name you want to slap on it. It is unfortunate, and I am sure I have been *guilty* (haha) of using guilt to get what I want. I am grown past that.

So how can you overcome guilt?

I found an article "Overcoming Guilt: How to Free Yourself from a Guilty Conscience" by Mark Foo K.L. He suggests first determining the route cause of your guilt. I will just list the 5 points not his remarks.


1. The past is the past, it can not be undone, and it should be left alone.
2. Problems should be fixed.
3. Give yourself permission to be human.
4. Talk it out with friends, family, or professionals.
5. You can and should forgive yourself.


As I stated, this isn't one of mine. So I don't have a lot to personally offer on it other than to say, you deserve better than this. I hope if this speaks to you that you are able to find what you need to work through it. Plenty came up on Google when I did the search. If it's a deeply routed problem, I'd definitely talk to a therapist about it to help you get to the route cause if you don't know what it is already.

Tomorrow's Power Thief - "Obsessing Over Someone's Bad Behavior"

Ways You Give Away Your Power: Playing the Martyr

I've burned myself out on self-help, but spending so much time in reflection I have noticed some things. Some I notice because I see traits in others that I find wildly repulsive, but most others I see in myself. A big stumbling block of mine is giving away my power. So I was doing a bit of research on it last night and stumbled upon a completely awesome blog post on "Waking Up Groggy" entitled "10 Ways You Might Be Giving Your Power Away". I was so captivated by it, I felt compelled to write about them. I don't know if I will write about all 10 as, thank god, I don't have all 10 to overcome.

The first one "Playing the Martyr". I have stumbled with this one. Going to direct copy from what "W.U.G." wrote:

"The martyr is the one who sees themselves as the saviour, the only one who steps in when no one else seems to care, sacrificing themselves for someone in need.

Some of you might think it’s not only good but admirable to give up your own life for the sake of another…it’s not. You aren’t going to help someone who doesn’t want to be helped and you definitely aren’t going to help someone by weakening yourself. It doesn’t mean you walk away from someone who’s in distress and needs help, but at some point enough is enough.

I find that people who do this put themselves in a situation that mirrors a past conflict or personal pain. The belief behind it being this time they can make it right and it will exonerate them from their own pain, like a karmic debt however it never works out that way. Worry about yourself and let others walk their chosen path…. sometimes people need to come to things on their own time, in their own way and it’s important to discern when not to interfere."

I wasted 15 years playing the martyr. Actually more probably, but in the major relationship of my life I totally thought that I was needed. That I was the only one that could help this person. Wow. It plays well with my Narcissism. This led me to contemplate the difference between a Victim and a Martyr. I found this article "Overcoming the Role of Victim or Martyr" on Livestrong.com

Here are 20 differences between being a Victim and a Martyr

Victim : Martyr
1. Usually has short-term problem : Long-term problem
2. Motivated to change : Stuck in their problem
3. Rights violated by others : Rights violated by others
4. Did not choose the problem : Chooses to remain in problem situation
5. Never complains : Complains all the time
6. Lacks insight into problem : Frequently has insight into the problem
7. Unknowingly plays an active part in the problem : Frequently knowingly plays an active part in the problem
8. Doesn't often seek help : Seeks help all the time
9. Wants to let go of the problem : Holds on to the problem
10. Guilt free : Guilt driven
11. Solution oriented : Problem oriented
12. Powerless due to lack of knowledge : Powerless out of a free will choice to be so
13. Unique problem : Habitual problems
14. Sincere desire to change : Mask of sincerity
15. Honest to self and others about the problem : Dishonest to self and others about the desire to change
16. Hesitant to get help : Seeks out help habitually
17. Reticent to talk about problem : Relishes the attention received in talking about the problem
18. Embarrassed about the problem : Wears problem as a badge of courage (purple heart)
19. Wants a quick solution to their crisis : Creates crises out of everything but blocks all solutions
20. Open to all new ideas : Holds a "yes, but" attitude to all new ideas

Read more: livestrong.com/article/14732-overcoming-the-role-of-victim-or-martyr/#ixzz2U1QJ7qWl

I'll end it there. As I stated, I fell into the Martyr category. I see many others around who do as well, and I'm sure there plenty more who do that I'm not aware of.

Hope this helps someone. If not, don't worry. There are 9 more that might resonate with you.

I'm Writing a Novel...

So you can all get off my back now!!! :)

Given my extremely interesting and unconventional childhood, I have been told since age 8 or 9 that I was going to "HAVE TO WRITE A BOOK SOMEDAY". I really, really hate being told what to do. So I balked at the notion. As my adult life managed to outdo my childhood through a series of bright ideas and brilliant associations (that is dark sarcasm), the material is stacking up quite high.

When you have 7 months and counting of 100% free time on your hands, you can work out the kinks in various ideas you have been knocking around in the back of your head.

About 3 or 4 years ago, I decided I'm more of an essayist. A short-story writer. None of this novel stuff for me. That takes commitment aka The C Word. Nope. I was going to do a book of short stories. Then I haven't. I start. I stop. I start. I stop. It doesn't speak to me. Not now anyway.

There has been one idea that I can't shake. Every time I think of it, I visualize it as a series. Not an American series where an good idea is raped into the ground to mine every drop of inspiration out of it. A BBC series. Three seasons TOPS. Six episodes each. Eighteen small installments to tell the story of this woman. Of the at least 7 or 8 ideas I have, this is the one that I would call my baby. So I have been thinking of it more as a series, and it's starting to take on more and more of a life of its own.

A couple of weeks ago I was really thinking about it. Thinking about how I would soooooo watch this if it was a show. But I would want to have total control over it. I wouldn't want to pitch the idea and let some Hollywood jerkoffs ruin it. Which, if they ever were interested in it, is exactly what would happen. So I was trying to think how to circumvent that. Then it hit me. 18 episodes are 18 chapters. Carla. You have your novel.

So there you have it. I'm writing a novel.


You're welcome.

Endings

We all know that nothing lasts. It's the impermanence of many things in life that make them special. Jobs, friendships, romantic relationships, and ultimately life itself are all on borrowed time. This immutable fact was one that I struggled with, but feel I have come to embrace.

Then something kind of stirs the pot. Oddly enough the ending of "The Office" did that for me. This was not the first time either. It happened last year with the ending of "Desperate Housewives" and "Weeds". I found myself mourning the ending of a show? Huh??? I mean I dig TV, but to feel actual separation anxiety - that's a bit much.

Then I thought about it. All these shows had rather lengthy runs. When they all started, I was with my ex-husband. I was living in a nice condo. With my nice life. Everything running so smoothly. Well actually things were not, but I rewrite that part in my head. These shows were always there. When various parts of my life started to break away, the crazy girls of Wisteria Lane were sitting around dealing with their crazy messy lives. When I left all I knew behind to get over my heartbreak and try to start a new life, Jim and Pam were still new and was fun to route for them. We'll just leave the comparisons of my life to Nancy Botwin's alone...

If I'm perfectly honest, I was griping about how the show lost its edge for the last 3 seasons or so. But isn't that just like life? You let a mediocre thing drag on because it's easier than parting with it.

**sorry for the weird layout. i swear to God, they change this damn thing every time i leave it for a month or two -- seeeeee IMPERMANENCE!!!!