Brown Chicken Brown Cow...

If you are related to me and reading this, you might want to hit the Eject button stat because I'm going to be real about my current feelings (actually you all might want to say "check please" right now).

I don't know if it's that my 3 Year Celibacy Challenge is coming to an end here in a matter of a weeks or if my soul-raping loneliness from Wicked's passing is encouraging me to act out sexually, but I want to be on you. Yes, you. I don't know who you are and all the better. I dreamt last night that I was knocked up with Jon Hamm's baby and we were fleeing cross-country. (It's one of the best dreams of late.) Also dreamt about someone I know and being knocked up with his kid, and also my ex-husband's. I know in dreams that being pregnant isn't actually being pregnant, but I think sex dreams are sex dreams and these were those as well. Thank you, Mr. Hamm, Man-who-I-cannot-mention-by-name, and yes even you too ex-husband. Last nights dreams were AMAZING.

I was catching up on the last month's worth of "Weeds" and finally saw "the episode" a good friend of mine told me about (same friend who told me the brown chicken brown cow joke). It was glorious. If you watch "Weeds" it was the Mark-Paul Gosselaar as the bartender one. If you saw it, you will DEFINITELY remember it. Tonight, I think I'll pretend it was my long, wavy, brunette hair he was grabbing.

I told you to bail in the first sentence so it's your own damn fault it's gone on this far.

For our song tonight I give you the mashup of "Come Together" and "Closer". I'm not a fan of "Come Together", but I like this.

I swear to God if I see that this has been disabled too...

I Dream of Africa--Okay, AND Jon Hamm

So all this drama of this week, hell really this year, or perhaps my whole adult life has swept over me like a tidal wave. I want to make some major changes. Things are stirring in me unlike ever before. I'm being flooded by the need to live a life that has a true purpose. So I'm trying to figure out what does that mean for me. Right now all I can say is that I'm trying to be less assholesque (can i copyright that word?), but that's clearly not going to do it. I keep having visions of myself in Africa helping in a village. Given that I spent my childhood in India with my Grandparents doing just that, it's little surprise that my life would come around full circle back to that. I just don't know what I have to offer. I'm not saying I don't have anything to offer -- just don't know what "it" is.

Also thinking about getting involved with an organization for the abolition of capital punishment. I'm not uber for/against much politically. I'm not a big political person (although if my father had stayed in S. America and I was raised down there, I think I would have been a TOTAL anarchist. but who can say?). The one thing that can really get me fired up though is the death penalty. I was pre-law (it was one of my 5 majors before finally settling on Organizational Management). Had I followed through with law, I would have loved to work on "The Innocence Project".

So I don't know. I'm curious/excited/maybe scared to see how this will all play out. Clearly some changes will be coming. As if I haven't had enough of that already.

Annnnd on an unrelated note, why, why, why did I have to see unshaven Jon Hamm today? Unshaven, hot men are my kryptonite. And we are less than a month away from my 3 year embargo being lifted. Warning to you, Mr. Hamm, don't let me find you unshaven after November 25th. Because it will be FULL ON!!!!


This is for the me I might have been (had I been raised in S. America) : P

Oh Yeah, I'm a River...

I think I forgot how strong I am. I remember now. : )

The Future's Open Wide...

I was not able to listen to this song for at least a year because it was ex-husband's favorite or one of his favorites who knows what the story ever was with him. Anyway, I'd always change the channel when I heard it. Then I was able to hear it just fine, but I never really listened to the lyrics --- until today. It was on just in the background as I was driving to the office today and I was zoning out but when "...the future's open wide..." played it was like someone shook me. It hit me how completely true that is for me. I mean it technically is for all of us, but I was so very, very shut down that it was not at all. I got crazy excited. I feel some big changes are afoot for me. Exciting!!!

Personal Jesus/Carla Whisperer

So "Personal Jesus" comes on the second I drive away from the office, and I freak out and yell, "Oh My God, ___ is SO my Personal Jesus!!!" There is someone I know who is like a total guru to me, it's wild. Anytime I'm on the verge of total batshit, he just comes along and says the perfect thing. I have never met anyone like him --- EVER. I know a lot of awesome people and they say very comforting things that are very helpful, but he's like a total Carla Whisperer. I'm in total awe of him. Yesterday I was shattered, until I talked to him. Today I have hope. Night and day difference, and mostly due to what he said to me. Not just want he said though. I think someone else could have said the exact words and it not have been the same. It's his manner too. Plus I'm not used to men who can artfully deal with emotions. I'm used to the Houdini of Emotions. So maybe that's part of why what Personal Jesus says has such impact. (Carla Whisperer makes me giggle)



I've attached the song, and while Dave and the boys in a Spanish brothel is hot and all, it was not exactly where I was going with the analogy. If you click on youtube, there are a couple of funnyass remarks. One tells you that if you want to see the song raped just type in Hillary Duff and the other asks what the fuck is happening in this video. Freaking tickles me.

Mother )#($*W)#(%* here's the link, sorry the embedding is disabled.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u1xrNaTO1bI

Paul Hardcastle - 19

Just because I want to post something that's not about Wicked. I get this song in my head ANY TIME I see the number '19'. I literally go "Nine-nine-nine-nine-nine-nine-nineteen" in my head. Thanks, Paul, you bastard.

** Ohhh, and I also go "Sa-Sa-Saigon" whenever someone mentions "Vietnam" around me. This song has basically fucked me up.


(i love the comment "Fucking harcore oldschoool.....") WORD!!!! {i guess you only see that comments if you go to youtube so you probably have no idea what i'm referring to here}

Thank You, Good Souls...

Those of you who have reached out to me have no idea what your kindness and love mean to me. This has hit me harder than any other death I've experienced, including human. Wicked was my heart and soul and he saw me through some really awful times with my ex-husband. He was always there. ALWAYS. I feel like he hung in there until he knew I was strong enough to take care of myself. I just wish he could have stayed around to see me in the good times that I'm believing are coming.

Three Lost Years I've Been Crying Here...

Dead state I can feel the weight
Light streaming in through an open grate
Two thread score tearing up the floor
Out in the alley with the trigger draw

Numb hands I can see the strand
Hold it together with a severed ban

Three lost years I've been crying here
I'm over, I'm over, I'm over, I'm broken

Strung out with wings of the dawn
Hole in the black soul in the storm
Torn down through the cracks in the dark
We're miles adrift we're inches apart

I'm hit I can feel the grit
Sat in the asher on the beaten brick
Two thread main running through the vein

Out in the centre with a mirrored cane
Numb feet I can hear you speak
Hold it together with a severed streak

Three lost years I've been crying here
I'm over, I'm over, I'm over, I'm broken

Strung out with wings of the dawn
Hole in the black soul in the storm
Torn down through the cracks in the dark
We're miles adrift we're inches apart

Stood up on the side of the earth
Thrown back to the track to the dirt
Two thread lose an hour a day
We're miles adrift, we're inches away...

Hold it together with a severed bank
Can't feel the blood

I Miss My Baby...

and so do Evil and Zoe

: (

That Which Cannot Be Written...

I put my Grandparents on a flight back home. I should have been on that flight. I have some shit that needs to be sorted back in FL.

RIP: Wicked, You Were My Son & Sun

He was my favorite.

He died in my arms at 10:30 tonight.

Hard Day Part Deux

Wicked seemed completely horrible this morning and I have to be honest I think he does again tonight, but my Grandparents both swear he was better this afternoon. I'm convinced they are mixing him up with Evil because they ARE twins and I don't know they they know the difference. They say they do and that he was way better. I'm really hope I can see that soon because this is depressing the fuck out me. I feel like Wicked's gone. There is a cat there, but it's not him. I cry every where I go. Every one must think my mother just died or something the way I'm carrying on. I'm just about at my limit.

So in case I wasn't, there was the most adorable baby rat/mouse (pictured) that was outside our office door today. I was going to bring him home and nurse him back to health. He died late this morning. So I brought him home and buried him.

I could sure use a win right now....

Hard Day

Everything that is dear to me is slipping away and I have never felt so alone as I do now. My Grandparents are aging before my eyes, and I almost lost Wicked today (I may yet, he's still not alright). I gave up an object that meant so much to me, and was one of the last links to someone who meant the world to me once.

Yeah. Hard Day.

Apocalyptica - Farewell

Still The Same

You know. Just because you left a situation or person, you still hope that it/they will change for the better.

Sad to hear that situation/person for me has not.

I Found a New "Family"

Except this one makes you live an awesome life. I think I have myself lined up for 2 more courses ("Just when I thought I was out...). I at least stood up and said that I was interested. So yeah, probably means I'll be doing them.

(notice the the Gandolfini pic is called "Whistler's Fatha" cracks me up)


The song is for Brandi at Schlotzky's. She's always there when I go after my class late at night, and I sing her song all the way home.

OMG!! Remember This Song???

In my class we are answering 5 questions about our project and they begin "What Do I Have To Do ______________" and I have been singing this song in my head all afternoon.

So great.

Time to head back for the evening portion of the show. (I'm actually glad I didn't drop out, I got a lot out of today )

: )

Throw Me a Bone, HBO!!!!

I love, love, love HBO. A bit too much. I'm convinced everyone connected with that network has made epic deals with the devil as all they do is so top notch in my book. Well their promos are no different, but damn it. Could they not have the artist and song at the end of their promos? I have been going CUCKOO trying to find out this one. I first saw it the premiere night of "Boardwalk Empire" - so weeks ago. I spent the last 45 minutes searching again (because this promo just played again, you might have to copy paste because blogger is odd lately)


So here is the promo

http://www.hbo.com/index.html#/video/video.html/eNo1zLEKwjAQAFBCIKDgZxhxjFMdMkhdXMRfOM21PbjmNFxqO-rnuri+4a1bO+wnSiinDLwoPVrJirPa1044-fEGPV5hRCvOuM9mInxHygln30mp4yXFnuUO7H9VDCE0zTH4jlixRGDeHs6iAxYPVeXJsEQtFZ1ZGfMFUqwrfQ==

Here is the video. I'm also posting the lyrics because it's kind of an interesting song





I wish that I had known in that first minute we met,
The unpayable debt that I owed you.
Because you'd been abused by that bone that refused you,
And you hired me to make up for that.

Walking in that room when you had tubes in your arms,
Those singing morphine alarms out of tune
Kept you sleeping and even, and I didn't believe them
When they called you a hurricane thunderclap.

When I was checking vitals I suggested a smile.
You didn't talk for awhile, you were freezing.
You said you hated my tone, it made you feel so alone,
And so you told me I ought to be leaving.

But something kept me standing by that hospital bed,
I should have quit but instead I took care of you.
You made me sleep and uneven, and I didn't believe them
When they told me that there was no saving you.

Secrets Everywhere

I don't know if I'm exuding a little somethin' somethin' different, but man, have a lot of people confided some BIG secret in me. Is that sentence even correct. It looks odd.





Who can I confide mine to?

a) it's a rhetorical question
b) don't tell me "Jesus"
c) sorry it ended in a preposition

Busy, Busy, Busy

So I got work today and I have to get the house ready for the impromptu visit tomorrow. Then I have Landmark alllllllll day. I think I'm going. I'm so overwhelmed, I'm wanting to drop it, but Grandmother doesn't want me to so I'm really planning on going. But I don't want to. I'm sure I will be glad I went later. I hate things like that. I wish I just wanted to do every thing that was good for me.

Ohhh, and I'm pining. Mr. Gaye can tell you all about it...

Burning Up Again...

Oh my, my, my do I want to run so far away right now. This desert island would do just fine. Just fine indeed.

Tell Me Something Good...

Woke up with that in my head this a.m. That and intense pain. Guess I'm a weeeee bit stressed out. Just a smidge.

Got awesome news actually. There is a new lady on yelp who is HYSTERICAL. She really has the kind of sense of humor I love. Well she wrote that she'll be at Wordsmith Syndicate's first meet up!!! So that is 3 yes and 5 maybes. Hurray!!! :)

I have to admit I'm wondering if now is the best time for my Landmark class. I have so much going on right now that I'm feeling overwhelmed. I don't want to quit, but I sort of do. I know I'm getting SO much out of it though. I'll probably not quit. I'll just have this endless conversation in my head.

I'm excited that for my Grandparents impromptu visit this weekend. I also have Landmark ALLLLLLLLLLL day on Saturday so that will be tricky. I don't know how long they'll be here, but I'm so glad. I really need them right now.

Everything Changes

I'm not one who fears change. I normally am in a state of agitation that it's not happening quickly enough (I'm working on that). Although at times it seems to be happening so rapidly that I get so run down by it. That's how today went. It's been one big thing after another, almost all positive, one thing or two that is scary but I feel BEYOND run down. So feverish. So exhausted. I should have been at my class tonight, but I just could not muster the strength. I feel bad about it, but I really couldn't rally. Plus I have some really big days ahead of me. Plus my favorite people are visiting me so I really need my strength.


In other news, I'm having an affair with Leonard Cohen in my mind. I hope he's alright with that.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y_PIadFsvDk



(Regarding the photo it's entitled "Everything Changes" by Lachlan McDonald. He wrote "An old man walks down the corridors of the South Australian State Library.")

I Had a Nightmare Last Night...

That I completely lost my mind and remarried my ex-husband. This time it was a huge production. I was sick the whole time just hoping someone would stop it. I apparently completely blacked out and next thing I know I'm at the reception and everyone is raving about what a wonderful wedding it was and I look really beautiful in this gown that I would NEVER wear. I keep asking people "did it really happen?", "i don't think it happened, i don't remember saying 'i do'" etc etc. They all assured me that it had indeed happened. Bone-chilling.


But I do want my beloved Verizon to finally give me an iPhone. I'm sick of being jealous of everyone and their goddamned apps.

4.5 Years to My Boat...

I'm 35 and 1/2 today, and I get a boat when I turn 40. Because I give myself THEE best presents and I really want something to remember 40 by and something that makes me look forward to it. See there? That's just cleverness on my part. This makes me eager for 40. I'll have to really come up with something big for 50.

Today was a pretty awesome day. Nothing big that happened just thinking about things differently. A couple things happened that would have normally knocked the wind out of my sails (boat reference), but I regrouped started to declare all the things that I'm committed to and I'd say in a matter of 15 - 20 minutes I was through the issue and it was an issue no more. Man, I hope I can always do that because like would be a dream. (sha boom sha boom) :)


In the world of song, I had "Hey, Hey, Paula" in my head because someone misheard my name again. You might not think it, but Carla gets misheard on the phone as Paula rather frequently. I've actually even answered to Paula in the past because I knew it was me they wanted, and there was no Paula in the place.

Since I had the song in my head, I did a bit of research and guess what --- Paul and Paula are Ray and Jill. I get that "Hey, Hey Paula" has a better ring than "Hey, Hey, Jill" (Hey, Hey, Carla works too) :) But "Hey, Hey, Ray" rhymes!!!! Ehhh, hindsight.



Hey Paula by Paul and Paula

"What Am I Committed To?"

For those of you keeping tabs you know I'm doing Landmark's Self-Expression and Leadership course (will be until year's end). We meet every Wed night and one Saturday a month (next Saturday will be the one for Oct). In addition to the classes there is a coaching call which I have on Sunday afternoons. I feel like I'm changing dramatically from the class to the call to the next class. I feel like I "get it" now. Far more so than I did with the Forum and Advanced Forum.

The big thing that keeps coming up is that I need to tear down my whole wall of "I don't need you". I really am improving in this, but on the call today my coach pointed out that I really need to push myself more with this. So I'm going to do that. I really can see how that holds things up from happening in my life.

She asked me if I had anything to ask her and I did. I wanted to know how I can get news like I did this week and not shut down like I do. When something bad happens, I withdraw and SHUT DOWN. Total self-preservation mode. She was saying that I need to surround myself with kindred spirits and to remind myself of what I'm committed to. She shared what it was for her, and then I really got it. I wanted to say what it was for me, but I have to admit I'm not really sure. My goals and commitments from the past are no longer relevant and really they are so small. I want to be committed to something big.

I am committed to being open and loving and being a beacon to everyone around me. I am committed to making a significant change in the world. I am committed to having a healthy, loving, FUN relationship. I am committed to asking for help when I need it. I am committed to get this narrowed down to a more succinct list that I can easy say when asked. : P

(the sculpture is lovely, no? it's by Michael Speller called "Commitment" and you can buy it for me for only £6,950. -- YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO!!!!)

"How's It Goin', Dimples?"

My over the counter love affair with my butchers continues. There are several behind the counter where I go, but 2 who out and out get their flirt ON with me. I think they like my taste in meat and given the portions I buy assume (correctly) it's for 1. Yesterday's "How's it goin', Dimples?" was especially special because I had just come from acupuncture and looked a hot mess. I was reminded yet again that I get THEE most attention when I look like Life sucker-punched me.

No one's called me "Dimples" in awhile either. It was a nickname I always liked, and such an obvious one. You could freaking park cars in mine they're so deep. I got curious a few years back and researched why we have them. (We was me and my ex-husband). The muscles in our faces are shorter than normal people's. So I don't know that this little contraption that's pictured would have really done anything at all for dimple-free, but it's a cute idea.

When New Nephew was born (over 2 yrs ago now) my brother's first words to me were "We can tell he's related to YOU!!!" So he's the 2nd to carry the Burgos' Dimples forward. Surely there were others before, but I don't know them.

Ha!! I just made a blog post about dimples. I think I could write about dirt at this point.

ELIZA GILKYSON Not Lonely

My friend Jessica read my prior post and turned me on to this song. It's perfect, Jessica, thanks!!!!!


It's hard to hear, so I posted the lyrics below.





I am a one-man woman
I live one day at a time
keep one eye open
I got a one-track mind

I'm a one trick pony
living in a one horse town
people say I should be lonely
but that ain't what's goin down
I'm alone but I'm not lonely

I live in a one-room palace
on top of a hill
on the edge of a wilderness
all my dreams could never fill

and I hang my head over
hear the rustling of the leaves
down in the hollow below me
a wild woman breathes
I'm alone but I'm not lonely

I am a one-man woman
flying solo for the time
but when I sing here for my supper
I know everything's gonna be just fine

got two hands to guide me
through one very long dance
got a true heart inside me
gonna give me one more chance
to be alone, not lonely
I'm alone, not lonely

Alone? Yes. Lonely? No.

I have four different things I want to talk about tonight, but I think I'll just focus on one. Maybe I'll get another one in there. We'll see how this goes.

My maids were here today and I guess as it's a regular thing now their curiosity about me has been raised. I got the barrage of usual questions that I get, along with their self-imposed judgments of my answers. Nothing bad, just the typical reactions I get. It's utterly mind-blowing to most that a woman lives alone in a house. I don't know why that it doesn't remotely strike me as odd, but it sure does most other women. Some men, but mostly women. The one maid out and out said, it must be so lonely, especially during the holidays... I just let it drop, but I want to tell everyone. "You do not KNOW what lonely is, until you are with the wrong person." Never in my life have I ever been so lonely as I was married to my husband. That was total and utter desolation. Give me the rest of my life on this Earth completely alone yet promise me I'll never feel THAT way again and I'll say "Done and done". Because, no. I do not feel lonely. I yearn for a soulmate, yes. I do not however feel lonely. As fun as most of you seem to think I am, well I think I am too times 10. I enjoy and thrive on being alone with myself. Having said that, it could always be better. I choose not to settle for mediocre company just to not be "alone". The term "suffer fools" comes to mind. It's taxing to me to have people around who do not get me. So a solitary life for me, until my soulmate and I can be together.

I should show this post to everyone going forward so they can all stop asking. I know it's out of care and concern, but it gets old. :)

Last Night Capote, Tonight Kerouac? Pretty Please, Sub-Conscious

Well, Capote and I were thick as thieves last night. I don't know that I've ever seen a more vivid pastel suit than the one he was wearing and it perfectly matched his cocktail. We help to solve a crime involving and upscale daycare. Oh don't worry, it was nothing too traumatic. It was just parents loosing their shit that other kids were getting better treatment than their own and how dare this be blahblahblah.

I hope I can dream about Kerouac tonight. Perhaps we can have a drink (that's funny and wrong because he died from complications of alcoholism - the writer's true death-) I lived in the same neighborhood he did in Orlando when he was awaiting the release of "On the Road". That particular neighborhood rather reminds me of Austin.

I'd love to have a dream out on the sea with Hemmingway. As long as he didn't try to off himself (the writer's 2nd favorite method of death).

There was one of those dumb quizzes several years back about what self-destructive writer were you most like. I think I was Fitzgerald. I'll have to see if I can find that and take it now. I've mended most of my self-destructive ways so I hope I'm more, more, more. Uhh ohh. I can't think of one who lived to a ripe old age.

Tom Cruise Is Following Me on Twitter (and the Metro)

(Back story: I accidently got a wee bit mixed up with the Scientologists the first time the marriage hit the skids. I used to be cuckoo religious and prayed and pleaded with God to save my marriage. When I did every thing right (by Christian standards) I began to unravel and that was the beginning of the end of my religion. I would seek out several different paths over the next couple years none of which worked for me, but one that to this day will not let me go (via phone and postal mail) - Scientology. They are more persistent than the cops, Feds, or Mob. I've been chased across 3 states by them.)

I often dream that Tom Cruise is after me, because the Scientologists are very persistent and I joke that they are going to send Cruise and Travolta after me if I don't give in. Sooooooo last night I dreamt that Tom tracked me down. He was up my ass about Prozac. I was like "I'm NOT on Prozac. I'm not on anything". He then whispers to me, "Carla. You're on Twitter. I KNOW what you said!!!" So my mind starts racing to all that I ramble on about, and I remembered in the dream that I wrote I was going to go on Prozac. Tom was none-to-thrilled. I think I finally made myself wake up to get away from him. (Note: not on prozac or any other meds --- i just took some Tylenol that's it though)

I got some really bad news this afternoon that explains why I was so goddamned out of sorts this week that I couldn't even go to a freaking concert that I had a front row ticket to. My Grandmother (THEE most import person walking this planet to me) has been having tests and with what was found this week has to have a biopsy next week. Now, it may not be anything, but I have a rather bleak feeling. It's like, Fuck, I finally get my life turned around and things are really looking up and now she may not be around to see it? I'd love for her to see me re-marry and have kids if that's in the cards for me, and given I'm 35 &1/2 this Monday that window is not huge. So like another 10 years. That would rock. More would be better, but at least another 10. Given my afore mentioned lack of religion, this sort of thing is harder. I guess that's all I have to say about this for now.

I have another family issue, but I don't know that I care to discuss it. Maybe over the weekend I'll find the words. For now, I'll move on to the next topic.

Next topic.

q) How awesome is Royksopp? a) So awesome.

It was mostly Valli, Vinton, and Cooke today, but I sneaked a little Thievery Corp and Royksopp in there too.

I love this video. Makes me wish I had pursued my degree in film. I'd make a video so freaky, you'd contemplate Baker Acting me. (I don't know that they do that in TX, it's definitely a FL thing)

What a KICKASS Song!!

I've heard it before, but someone on 43Things had the lyrics written and I was like "What song is that?". It's pretty awesome. I'll post the lyrics below.



I Just Want to Celebrate - Rare Earth





I just want to celebrate another day of livin’
I just want to celebrate another day of life
I put my faith in the people
But the people let me down
So I turned the other way
And I carry on, anyhow
That’s why I’m telling you

I just want to celebrate, yeah, yeah
I just want to celebrate, yeah, yeah
Another day of living,
I just want to celebrate another day of life

Had my hand on the dollar bill
And the dollar bill blew away
But the sun is shining down on me
And it’s here to stay
That’s why I’m telling you

I just want to celebrate, yeah, yeah
Another day of living, yeah
I just want to celebrate another day of living
I just want to celebrate another day of life

Don’t let it all get you down,
Don’t let it turn you around and around
And around and around

Well, I can’t be bothered with sorrow
And I can’t be bothered with hate, no, no
I’m using up my time by feeling fine, every day
That’s why I’m telling you I just want to celebrate
Aw, yeah
I just want to celebrate yeah yeah
Another day of living, yeah yeah
I just want to celebrate another day of livin’, yeah
I just want to celebrate another day of life

Don’t let it all get you down, no, no
Don’t let it turn you around and around,
And around and around, and around
Around round round
‘round and around round round round
don’t go ‘round

Think I'll Be Playing a Lot of Valli & Vinton Today

Frankie Valli - Can't take my eyes off you

All In All, It Was a Good Day...

So I read a Daily OM the other day about finding happiness in more than just the big events in our lives. Nothing I hadn't heard/read before, but I guess it really took root today because I was doing that big time today. The best example. There was this really odd, tiny bug on my desk and I just watched it. It was kind of adorable. All its little movements were beautiful. I wish it was always there. IT COULD BE MY SIDEKICK!!!! Because the Jeff Goldblum thing just isn't happening. I also stared at a cricket while getting gas and thought "I'd love to film him." (I drank and drugged heavily in my youth.)

There were other little observations throughout the day. I got way more out of my walk this afternoon than I normally do. I noticed so many more things. My favorite was a birdcase in someone's yard. I then thought about how awesome it would be for someone I know and thought it would be fun to get drunk and steal it. So yeah, I'm still a work in progress.

Then tonight was "30 Rock"'s live episode. I was looking forward to it because Mr. Hamm was going to be on it. I LOVE D. Draper, but his "30 Rock" 'so handsome, but so stupid" character KILLS me. Now that he has the hook hands due to his helicopter and fireworks injuries I was really eager to see what they did with him. I was NOT disappointed. I won't give it away. Watch it. I think it will be on Hulu. Or maybe NBC's site.

And last but not least -- I think I have a big deal for something amazing. I just don't know how to articulate it as yet. It occurred to me in the shower (all my big ideas occur there -- it's the water). It would be a philanthropic website that would connect people from all over the world with others interested in specific causes. Something like that. I have too many ideas in my head about it right now. I almost need to talk it out.

Perhaps I'll sit here and talk to Jon about it. He seems interested.

Carla, Who's Your Favorite Band?

"Crowded House"

What's your favorite C.H. song?

'Kare Kare'

I Love You, I Love You, I Love You

I DARE you listen to this and not smile : )

I DOUBLE DOG DARE YA!!!!!!!! : P




Michael Franti & Spearhead - Say Hey (I Love You)

I Have Very High Hopes for You, Tomorrow...

because Today sucked on so many levels I damn near had a break down tonight.

A Friend in Need's a Friend Indeed

Been amazing to see friendships blossoming out of some unexpected places.

It rather rocks.


Blogger is being mental, so just copy and paste if you want to see the video. It's disabled because that's JUST the sort of day I'm having

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KbHkwrGgsoA

She Sells Sanctuary (by the seashore : P)

do you know i have NEVER seen this video until right now? and this is so a favorite song of mine.


i love the admonishment at the beginning of the video regarding the lyrics -- ohhhh, Internet.

A Story Idea That Has Awakened Me on Three Separate Nights Now...

First night I was awakened with the lyric "They asked me how I knew my true love was true..." playing eerily in the background. It was an intense scene. The woman (of course it's me, but you know for this "The Woman") is in an ominous setting and whenever she hears that song she's triggered by it. okay that was the first night and really all i had. just this dark scene, "the platters" in the background, and the woman.

The entire thing has played over and over in my head so often that I dreamt it again on another night and am awakened by it.

Now tonight again, but I didn't go back to sleep. I just laid there and thought about it. Trying to develop a story out of it. I decided to weave it with another story fragment of mine about a woman who is an assassin (i think, definitely into something dark) and is terribly injured and is discovered by an older gentleman (always Terrance Stamp in my head) who takes her in and nurses her back to health. In combining the two stories, I decided that "the woman" will be just that. A woman, we and she don't know who she is. An amnesiac. The old man finds her unconscious on the shore and takes her in. I am thinking he'll be no stranger to nefarious activities either, but I'm not sure yet. Anytime she hears "Smoke Gets in Your Eyes" she'll remember a bit more about what happened to her. Right now I'm thinking she was attacked by someone she trusted and fell or was thrown overboard, but somehow managed to get herself to shore. Obviously her attacker(s) will get wind of the fact she's still alive and come for her. That's where the old man being a former ______ will come in handy.

Clearly this needs work. Need to research Amnesia.


(Note: Photo taken by Issei Suda, I just loved it because it had the "lightbulb" for my idea and then woman in the water)

What In The World Can Make a Brown-Eyed Girl Turn Blue

People, if ever I tell you that I just want to end it all -- show me a photo like this.



Oh my god, there is so much funny to live for.



(i do recommend playing the song while staring at this primo pic)


na na na na na na na na...

Boardwalk Empire: I'll Debate the Merits of The League of Nations with You, Daddy

OMG, I am loving this show. I love Dabney Coleman's dickish character who's anti-suffragette and asks women who scarcely know what their name is their take on the merits of The League of Nations. He causes me to yell at the screen "I'll debate you, Misogynist." I also love how "you have a smart mouth" is said to any woman with a quick wit or opinion of her own. I'm guessing I'd have had that said to me a lot, and that I'd have taken more than a few beatings back then. SUCH a great show though. I keep insulting people in my head in '20's terms. I keep calling people 'bohunks'. Don't look it up. It's a little bit not nice.


I think I need to head back to Central Market's Cooking School. I need new ideas. I need to come up with a signature marinade. I will call it Carla's Concoction. Or maybe not. I don't know that I love that. Maybe as I create it the name will come. I need to start my menu for Christmas Eve/Christmas dinners for the Grandparents. I've said that ever day the last week. I need to seriously put this on my to-do list. I want them to have a marvelous time.


What else. Oh yeah. I felt like I was going to have an aneurysm today. That was fun. My 30 min walk was not awesome as a result. I need the weather to cool off again.

I'm Declaring This My Favorite Song

Richard Hawley - The Ocean (Video)

why the F do people disable imbedding?

here, click on this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ynf0ERJVB9I

How DARE You Reject My T-Shirt Idea!!!!????!!!!!

So I'm completely in love with this dopey little video that Christopher (my brother) sent me on Saturday night (See Saturday's post). So much so that I took the attached photo and put the caption



Shut Up, Woman.
Get On My Horse!!!!

Under it. Well it's been censored as inappropriate, and the company canceled my order.

Makes me wish I had used the picture with the horse's cock.


PRUDES!!!

Had it turned out well, I was going to make one for Chris for Christmas. : (

What a Wicked Game He Plays...

I have three cats Evil, Wicked, and Zoe (E & W are bros from the same litter). The boys were born April '99 so we share a bday and Zoe was July of '03. Needless to say they have seen me through some difficult times and I completely adore them. I would be lying though if I did not admit feel a little tied down by them. I can assure you I would have left Austin a couple times over had they not been here. Wicked is bar none the least portable cat they ever made followed very closely by Evil. Zoe is a bit more of a trooper, but E & W's carryings on freak her out so bad that she catches the cuckoo-fever too.

So I have been feeling extra-shitty the last several days as Wicked has not been himself at all. I sort of expect each time I leave him that I might not see him again. Ugggh, such mixed emotions. I mean I want to keep all three of them forever, but they are becoming soooooo much work as they get older. SOOOOOO much work.

Well, Wicked seems to be getting back to his old self. He's back in bed with me. That's how I knew he wasn't okay. Normally my cats put me to bed. They each have their spot and his is on the pillow next to me, which he was standing on hovering over me and purring loud as hell for about 20 minutes to the point that I'm now up writing this.

So I love, love, love, love my little guys and gal --- I just am growing weary of the obligation.

These cats will not be replaced. Nooo, sir. Not for a long time anyway. Unless they make a more portable cat. A seafaring kitty. Then maybe...

Vengeance

Okay, this will be riddled with ambiguities as I can't reference the people or actions that I'm actually referring to, but this is really just for me to get the essence of my thoughts down.

I keep being awakened in the night with dreams of a couple of men who gravely wronged me (for those who read my post in July about the rape, I'm not referring to that at all here). In these dreams I'm seeking vengeance against them for their acts/crimes. It's so visceral. I'm absolutely there, and am doing great harm to them. It's clearly a dream because I'd never have the physical advantage over either of them.

The surprise of all this is that I don't, at least I think I don't, believe in revenge/vengeance/retribution. My delightful little dream-world of late would belie that fact. I'm sure it's just me working it all out, but I'm a bit dismayed by the level of violence involved. Now this could be because I'm exploring my writing more and I have a whole new bag of tricks, idea-wise that I'm working on.

I just know that I have changed so much this year and for the better that this feels a bit like regression. That being said, I have a kickass daydream about flying to the city one of them is in, getting a cab, have the cab wait, knock on his door, cold-cock him, get back in the cab, straight to the airport, and back home before the evening news is on. i don't watch the evening news and i wouldn't do any of this. but ohhhhhhh, that a delicious fantasy.

I Simply Cannot Handle...

This man on the BIG screen. I mean it's a killer concept that Alamo does this, but when I went to their website just now and saw this pic, I literally rolled my chair back away from the computer. I then totally forgot that I was there trying to see what was playing at Alamo Village (because there is no going to S Lamar right now).

Damn you, Don Draper!!!

Where I Long to Be (tonight at least)

80% of the time, I'm wishing I was either on the ocean or by it, but the other 20% of the time I long to be on a desert highway in a black convertible, a classic car of some sort, headed for places unknown. I usually see myself alone, sometimes I have a companion. Either way, I'm always wholly content. ( and I'm always up to something. some big scheme. typical )

Shut up Woman Get on my horse

You can thank my brother for this. GOD, it's awesome!!!

Finally Caught Up on "Mad Men"

and this was playing during the end credits of last week's episode. I thought it was lovely.



Jim Reeves - Welcome To My World

Burgos. Sidhom. Castille?

So for those who know me post 2001, they might not know my maiden name is Burgos (which is also a town in Spain, the cathedral is quite lovely as is the entire town - you should go someday). The married name is Sidhom which I kept because I was SICK of people trying to speak Spanish at me all the time. No one knows what a "Sidhom" is and when I tell them it's Egyptian that suddenly makes my ex-husband 1,000 times more exotic than he deserves to be. He's a Long Island by way of Brooklyn tough guy. But hey, let the people have their illusions. God knows I did. So then there is Castille which is the pen name I conjured up about 10 years ago. I thought it was cool AND Burgos was the capitol of Old Castile sooo there is the tie in with the maiden name, yet it's one I created. Sometimes I think about officially changing my name to Carla Castille. For whatever reason though I haven't as yet. I don't know that I love it like I used to.

I'd really like to change my name to Queen Carla, but I don't think I'd get people to call me that. Damn, people.

Proof Positive You All Hate Me...

This exists, and no one has given me one yet.



The list of "People Who Are Dead to Me" grows...

Never Saw This Video for It Before

The Verve - Lucky Man

300!!!!

I won't write "This is Spartan" ohh damn. Well okay there it is.

This is an appropriate post number though for what's going on in my life. Life was sucking. Hard. Apparently though it was the proverbially darkness before the dawn. I started my Landmark "Self-Expression & Leadership" course on the 25th of September. That whole week prior I was low. No, lower than that. I really thought I blew it leaving everything behind in FL. I thought coming to TX was the stupidest of the stupid mistakes to date. It was bleak. BLEAK. I won't get into how bleak, but very.

So I almost canceled the course, but the one person I knew who's in it and makes it seem awesome (the number has since grown, but before it was just him) gave me a pep talk about it and actually made it seem exciting so I was eager to start it. I was soooo relieved as I slowly met people that Saturday. They were far more on my wave-length than those I met in the Forum & the Advanced Forum. I met a lady who I really liked and learned she was a coach. I was hoping she was going to be my coach, and because I had to leave early that day I didn't learn until I think it was the next day that she was. ROCK. There was another lady who I really liked and guess what, she also has my coach so it's a little mini-group of us three. Cool!!

Jennifer, our leader, broke down what the next three months were going to bring and I was getting excited. Turns out this was exactly what I needed. Now I knew before hand that there was going to be a community project so that was no surprise. In fact the wheels were turning. I got to thinking about all the things I could do, but I'm supposed to be moved and inspired by it. Well, I was not moved and inspired by much because (See paragraph #1). Well I've wanted to do more with my writing, especially because someone (same person that gave me the pep talk) has been very complimentary of my writing and has put it out there a few times that I should do more with it. Soooo, I got to thinking. I really love to bring people of common interests together. The members of my Food Buddies group can attest to that. So why not writers?

So that's how I came up with Wordsmith Syndicate, which if you've been following a long, you know I started last week. Well I was not 100% sure they were going to pass the project last night and I was about to go full-on Carla. I reigned it in a lot, but I was really ready. REALLY REALLY READY. Fortunately, though it did get approved. I suspect my coach had a lot to do with that. So hurray. I don't have to drop out of the course, because YES that was so going to be what was going to happen. I'm so glad though that's not the case because I have learned A LOT about myself just in the couple sessions I've been in.

I was telling my coach last night, that because of my failed marriage I am petrified to put my heart and soul into anything anymore so I'm just 1/2-assing my life. I was more eloquent than that about it, but that's the size of it pretty much. She and I have coaching calls on Sunday afternoon and the one this past Sunday was HUGE. She really forced me to take a look at myself. I see that I have basically drifted my time here in Austin and as a result I feel (felt I should write) stuck in all aspects of my life.

Well I'm changing that!!!! I'm taking my life back AGAIN. I feel far more upbeat and in harmony with everything.

I don't know where I'll end up, but where ever it is it's going fucking ROCK!!!

You Know How You Really Really Really

really really really really want to hear something and then you hear it. and then you almost can't compose your sentences and have to flee a scene?

no? okay well, i guess it's just me.

No Children

So I'm learning a bit about myself through this whole eharmony experiment (that's basically gone awry). I have learned it's not for me. When the three months are up, I'm so out. I hardly even look at the matches any more. Nothing wrong with them, it's all me. I just cannot get remotely interested in someone that I don't feel that initial spark with. I've only felt that four times in my life. Once with the one I foolishly let get away. Once with the ex-husband. Once with someone I can't mention as they might be reading this, and currently with someone who is taken or else I'd be all up in that.

But that's not what I learned about myself. I knew that. I learned and that I really, really, really, really don't want a man who has kids. This sucks with eharmony because I have "yes/maybe" on the "Do you want kids?" question because if the man is the right one I know I will. But I want my kids with him not someone else's UNLESS they are adults. That's different. I mean it's still baggage, but not in my house that I have to raise baggage. See. The fact I call them baggage really tells it all.

I am sooooooooooooooo grateful that I don't have kids with the ex-husband. So grateful. SO SO SO grateful. I just want a man that was smart enough to not make that same mistake too. See 'mistake'. Yeah. No kids.

Excuse Me, Are Those Bugle Boy Jeans...

Tonight rocks. My project was passed and the instructor for the course asked me where I bought my jeans.

no they are not Bugle Boy jeans, do they still make those? no, right?

Well This Is Interesting

I knew that a lot of my friends read my blog. They mention it to me when they see me, email me about it, or comment on my FB page when I link the post. What I did not know was how many people around the work are viewing it. That was surprising. So far as I write this 18 people have viewed the page today and I haven't even posted yet today. Yesterday I had a total of 49 views. That's about the average. I get about 40 to 50 views a day. The majority of the traffic is from the US obviously. Next is Brazil. Like in a BIG way. Then Hungary/Russia/Canada/Denmark/South Africa/Germany/UK. So HELLO, WORLD!!!

A lot of people link from my FB, Yelp, Twitter, & 43Things accounts. I suspect the overseas crowd is finding me through 43Things. I do have a lot cool people cheering me from around the world so it's probably no great mystery that so many people in other lands are viewing this.

Well, I feel I need to step it up now. I don't know how, but I feel the pressure.

Seriously, it makes me feel really good. I know when I write, particularly the emotional stuff I feel like I'm talking to someone out there. It's nice to know that it's being seen.

Thank you for the validation. : )


Ohhh, and since you are reading this - If you or a friend of yours is a writer, please check out my site "Wordsmith Syndicate" (the link is on my page top right). I need more writers over there!!! ; )

Come On Get Happy!!!!

Okay let me quickly write this during 1/2 time as Miami is losing their lead over NE.

This post is about happiness and me finding it a bit more lately. I have developed an evening ritual that has me looking forward to each evening and feeling like my life is pretty damn sweet. It varies a bit with each night, but here is tonight's itinerary to give the idea.

Stop at the market and pick up a decent cut of beef and whatever accoutrement to go with it. Pronounce it in your head as (-ktr-mnt, -tr-) {the - = backwards 'e'}. You really, really want to show that you took 3 worthless years for French in college that semi-helped you through Europe and all the foreign films you love. Then smoke at least one cigarillo and drink a bottle of Champagne -- the happiness quotient increases dramatically. Then slowly cook the boeuf du noir with sauteed onions and red potatoes. Top it with gorgonzola and you have the perfect meal.

Light a few of the candles on the candelabra on your bedroom wall that you can easily see from the living room/dining room and that simulates a fire. Keep the front door cracked open with so that the cool fall air can easily flow through and there you have it.

Happiness!!!!

Guess I Need to Start Listening to "The Black Keys"

The Black Keys - I'm Not The One

Michael Imperioli, I Love You

I've had a crush on M Imperioli so long that I think I can officially upgrade it to full on love. I'm so glad that he's back on the air again, although I could have had a lot more of "Life on Mars" where he was set in 1973. The '70's look damn good on him. His new character on "Detroit 1-8-7" is an abrasive asshole so you KNOW I full on am in love. God, I love the dicks.


What else?

Acupuncture was amazing today, as always, but a little extra so today. I got a story idea. I need to work on it.

I love my new maids, they are sweethearts and they make my house so inhabitable. If you are in Austin, I so recommend them. I reviewed them on my yelp account so check them out if you are so inclined.

I set up 15 groups on Wordsmith Syndicate. All the different genres, I am getting excited about it. I think it's going to be awesome once it takes off.

My spirits are flying high. I think it's a combo of the new Landmark course I'm in, Wordsmith Syndicate, and the increased exercise. I mean I really am in a great mood.

Finally, it's an organic NY strip for me tonight. Ohhhh, it looks soooo good.

Big Hands, I KNOW You're the One!!!

OMG, I was belting this out in the car just now. I think people at the stoplights enjoyed it. Mind you, the radio was not on.

It was alll Carla. ; )


VIOLENT FEMMES-Blister in the Sun

Boner Kill

There is this commercial that has seduced me on more than one occasion and than back-hands me halfway through.

You see a very appealing older guy, perhaps early to mid-50's, but still hot. He's in a 70 Chevy Nova driving through perhaps California, Nevada, Arizona. Who knows, it's nice and desert-esque. Okay, so hot, older dude, hot, older car, hot, desert. Count me in. The voice-over is talking about how you are more seasoned, you've accomplished a lot, blah blah and then the back-hand slap - "You don't want erectile-dysfunction to slow you down..." MOTHER FUCKER!!! After getting sucked in the 3rd time, I finally don't get drawn in anymore, but damn it is a killer commercial up until the Viagra spiel starts. Why couldn't it have been for car parts, mutual funds, or even Rogaine? I could handle Rogaine. Mr. E.D., you lost me at Viagra.