Difficult Difficult Lemon Difficult

(title a reference from "In the Loop").

So I have an issue that vexing me unlike any other. Don't know how to move forward with it. I mean I do, but I don't. Or I do and I'm scared. Yeah, I am scared. So I can wait and hope and pray or I can grow a pair.

Which will it be?

U2 - THE FLY

HELP ME Make It Work!!!!

So big things going on with Miss Carla this year. To go along with the changes I'm wanting to alter my look. I feel lost because I don't like outfits that over-shadow. In case you haven't noticed, I'm a bit of a character and I don't want my clothes to get more attention than ME. Also too, I'm not 18 anymore (Thank God) and I don't want to dress like it either. So I'm looking into hiring an image consultant. I totally stumbled across one last night when I was looking for salons in my neighborhood. She's on maternity leave right now, but she's as cute as a button and I think she could be fun to work with. Otherwise I'm just going to do Telemundo Newscaster Lady and call it a day. I mean that wouldn't be too big of a stretch.

DJ Tripp - Weapon of Compton

Gdamn do I love a good mashup. This is a GOOD one!!! Word to the Mother F-----

"I Tend to Think of Myself as a One Man Wolfpack"

Me too, Zach, me too.

"Lonely Tree"...

"and the lonely man". this is from Gjorji Orovcanec's flickr and came up when I typed in "lonely". i liked it.

This Song Plays During Alamo Promos...

and makes me almost wish the movie wasn't about to start because I dig it so.



Bloc Party One More Chance (Alex Metric Remix) Surfing México

Why I Love Craigslist

When I moved to Texas I got rid of almost all my possessions. Most things were very dear to me, but had memories I didn't want to bring with me (nice try). In the process of selling these things I met at least 1/2 a dozen awesome people who I had nice convos with, got a sense of their lives and had a nice feeling that these things that meant so much to me were going to a nice place.

I have had the same experience in what I have purchased from CL. I just had a nice hour long convo with the man who brought me the dresser I've been dreaming of. I've needed a dresser forever, but wanted only a special one and I got it. It will mean even more to me know with the conversation I just had. You know when you meet someone and they just really need to talk? Well I think he did. He saw my house and had a MAJOR flashback to his Grandmother's house where he grew up. He described the layout of her house (before he was in mine enough to see it all) and it was really almost identical to mine. He talked and talked and talked about it. It was so great. It seemed like he was really having a moment and I (well the house really) just happened to be the catalyst. He told me several different memories he had as a boy in the house. It was so sweet.

This dresser was special and now it is even more thanks to his sharing.

(needless to write the pic does NOT do it justice. it's LOVELY)

Thank you, Craigslist!!!

Let Me Down Easy - Chris Isaak (HQ)

I'm As Mad As Hell!!!!!!

Just watched "The Stoning of Soraya M." Holy F------ S--- am I irate. I just want to punch someone. I just cleaned the hell out of kitchen to channel the energy. Still want to punch someone. What these men did to Soraya M cannot be conveyed with words. I have no words. I just wept for this poor woman and the countless others like her whose stories we will never hear.

Yeah, Vandal's song goes well with my mood right now.

OMG, I Think I Know What I Want -- Finally

Okay. So I knew that my ex-husband was the one. He was my soul-mate. The love of my life. Et cetera, Et cetera, Et cetera. After I walked away from that for good in my heart, soul, and mind I got really, really down. I mean low. All that I had based my life on had disappeared and it has been absolutely terrifying and devastating to me. Just because I'm smiling when I'm around people doesn't mean I'm smiling on the inside. I've been full on grieving for the last 2 & 1/2 years- more so the last year or so.

So I have gone from "I'm never going to be with another man again." to "Maybe I'll marry for money." to "Maybe I'll find someone and we can just have a good understanding even though we aren't in love" to "Maybe I could learn to like women." Yeah, all over the map. It's just so disconcerting to go from KNOWING someone was the one for you to this freedom that freaks me out.

Well tonight I think I found my answer as to what I want. What would make me settle down. "The look." There is a look that only a few men have ever given me in my life. It's a look that says everything without saying a thing. It's not a "You're hot", "You're funny", "You're exotic", "You're mental" look. It's "Who ARE you" look. Like I'm the answer to the question. It's rare. So rare. Unfortunately, I've not been really involved with the men who have given me that look because they or I were unavailable. There was one that I was involved with briefly, but I got back together with my ex-husband and that was the end of us. Now he's married with a family so there is no us.

If I ever see that look in the eyes of a free and clear available man (who is not hard on the eyes), why I'm gonna marry that boy.


photo - aptly entitled "you found my heart" by citrus hearts on flikr

Only you - Sinéad O'connor (The Young Victoria's Soundtrack)

this song had me in quite the little puddle of tears during the end credits of "The Young Victoria".

Vandal - Mad as Hell

i'm not really mad about anything, well other than the fact this is the best recording i can find of this. i just love the quote from "Network" and this song.

Great Success!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well the lunch was a success and I'm very happy!!! Now to learn new recipes.

I'm sorry, I'm not that loquacious tonight. I just saw "Tenderness" w Russell Crowe and Jon Foster. Really interesting film. 13 min in I said, "Well this is going to be interesting". When it went to end credits I yelled "Fuck me" in disbelieve. I mean, it's not difficult to tell how the story is going to go, but it's such an interesting way to tell it. For me anyway.

Good Night.

Rawesome!!! (i'm sorry)

omg, there is a new culinary school on Lamar not far from Alamo Drafthouse, that's like 2 miles from me!!!! It's called The Natural Epicurean and they teach classes for those aspiring to be professional chefs and tons of classes for the public. I'm so going to the open house on Saturday!! This is crazy exciting!!!

my lunch for tomorrow is coming along nicely. i almost made it dinner tonight too, but i want to eat it tomorrow. i've noticed that a bit with the living food. what i eat today, i don't want to eat tomorrow. like it's not fresh or something. it never mattered with the SAD (Standard American Diet) way of eating.

i heard a song today at the store. i really liked it. i tried to memorize a line or two so i could look it up when i got home. can't freaking remember now. something about "in the kingdom of __________" kingdom of WHAT, Carla? damn it this will haunt me.

omg, speaking of haunt. Zoe saw something tonight. you know "something" in a house built in 1937. you know.

okay, now the photo. i don't know where this is, but i must. i simply must. i want to go to there.

Running on Walls

It seems having actors/characters running on walls is all around us. Sometimes it's nominal. They do a sideways lunge at the wall to use it as leverage to jump at whomever they are stalking. Then other times they are full on balls to wall with it and actually defy gravity and my ability to suspend disbelief and will freaking run along the crown molding to get at their prey. The latest example I saw was by Liev Schriebner (too lazy to look up the spelling of his name) in "Wolverine".

Apparently pursuing your prey in this fashion is more efficient then running along the same level as them. I guess I can see it. Makes it easier for pouncing. You don't really have to pounce do you? You can just drop on them. Like the fucking gecko did on my head in India and then that snake that fell one foot from me another time. Many things have fallen on my head. Maybe that's why this latest Hollywood trick freaks me out so.

Let me tell you what. If you could run along walls and ceilings to get to me, you will be getting to my corpse because I will STROKE OUT on the spot. Yee Gods, that's creepy. I'm glad it's not real...yet.

20 Questions You Should Ask Yourself Every Sunday...

I plan to do this each Sunday. Let's see if I do. : )


1. What did I learn this past week?
I learned that there is nothing wrong with me. It's possibly the most powerful thing I've learned to date.

2. What was my greatest accomplishment over the past week?
Letting go of my critical nature.

3. Which moment from last week was the most memorable and why?
The coaching session I had where I learned to do 1 & 2 (hehe, that sounds funny)

4. What’s the #1 thing I need to accomplish this week?
Heal from my sinus infection

5. What can I do right now to make the week less stressful?
Make an appt w an eye doc. I still don't have one and I literally have 1 contact left (it's in my right eye, so stay to my right)

6. What have I struggled with in the past that might also affect the upcoming week?
Unnecessary worry

7. What was last week’s biggest time sink?
Deciding whether or not to stick with something that it not serving me.

8. Am I carrying any excess baggage into the week that can be dropped?
A tad bit of guilt over being sick. I never got sick until I moved here. I need to not let that get to me.

9. What have I been avoiding that needs to get done?
Eye doc appt

10. What opportunities are still on the table?
Wheww, what opportunity isn't? There are so many, that I need to narrow them down.

11. Is there anyone I’ve been meaning to talk to?
Yes, but I don't think they want to talk to me. I mean they make no effort to.

12. Is there anyone that deserves a big ‘Thank You’?
OMG, yes. I'm writing him a thank you note tonight.

13. How can I help someone else this coming week?
I'm going to be a help to everyone I can at the office. I spent my first two years there with a major chip on my shoulder. I'm trying to undo the damage of all that and be a beacon of awesomeness that makes people feel better.

14. What are my top 3 goals for the next 3 years?
Get crazy fit. Get crazy content. Get crazy in love. : )

15. Have any of my recent actions moved me closer to my goals?
Yes!!! I'm more and more embracing raw food and if not raw at least vegan. I had meat last night, but I'm good with that. I don't think there is anything wrong with me doing that occasionally. I may change my views on that in the future, I don't know. My coaching session of this past week was the biggest step towards crazy content. Crazy in love, I sense that becoming more and more a possibility, the walls are falling down pretty quick.

16. What’s the next step for each goal?
Incorporate more exercise. Meditate (ha, i wrote mediate at first). Be open.

17. What am I looking forward to during the upcoming week?
Hmmm, I don't have anything on the books so I guess just taking each day as it comes and trying to be a light to those around me.

18. What are my fears?
That I'll miss 'THEE' opportunity/career/big idea/one etc. You know, vague things that just plague you at times.

19. What am I most grateful for?
That someone saw I needed help and reached out to me. I'm absolutely overwhelmed by the generosity.

20. If I knew I only had one week to live, who would I spend my time with?
I'd try to see everyone I could to thank them for what they have meant to me. Even the peripheral players in my life have done some BIG things for me.

A Million Thank You's

So how do you thank someone for doing something that has changed your life positively unlike any thing else before? I mean like they gave you the key to release yourself from the prison you've had yourself in for most of your life.

Yeah, I don't know either.




(pic came up when i typed 1,000,000 thank you's in to yahoo image search. it's from Berat's flickr stream)

Madonna - Don't Tell Me

My favorite Madonna song & video

Oh How I Love Dapper

Okay, I'm trying to give credit where is due. I snagged this from a Mr. Sartorial's blog, but he gives photo credit to Russ McClintock. It's a guy in London's Tweed Run. I would so press the "Like" button on this one!!!

So it's a sinus infection for me. I don't think I got over whatever the hell I got coming out of Landmark Forum. I've been intermittently at Death's door ever since. I'm on Amoxicillin now, so I hope to be right as rain pretty soon --- like freaking tomorrow because really, it's tedious at this point.

I was going to wax philosophical (as it's one of my favorite ways to wax) and talk about Epictetus tonight. But I think I shall spare you the heavy and just go with the dashing man in a tweed coat (my favorite) riding a bike -that part can go, but whatever I'd rather see him in an old roadster. But I'm a car lover. OMG, could you not just totally see him in a roadster?

Lindstrøm & Christabelle - Lovesick (JVTP)

this is the song on the current Cadillac commercial. h.o.t.!!!!

I'm Handing in My Badge...

I have spent the last - ohhhh, I don't know, most of my 35 yrs as a self-appointed cop of the world. Any wrong and injustice no matter how slight, I get my back up. I'm not talking Darfur, I'm talking cut me off in traffic, not saying thank you when I hold the door open, not doing what I think you ought to be doing basically.

Well I'm handing in my badge. I don't want to police the world anymore. I have come to see that I don't know what any one of the people I interact with are going through, really truly going through. They are all on a journey. Some are in a good place, some are in a bad place. Why let their actions affect me unnecessarily?

Now if they out and out disrespect me, I'll self-deputize and citizen arrest their ass don't you worry. but all the no biggies that i make BIGGIES is what i'm referring to.

I'm Having Epiphanies All Over This Mother...Again

I was coached today and think I had a breakthrough!! I was initially almost numb, or freaked out, or I don't know what maybe overwhelmed by it, but as it's settling tonight I'm feeling GOOD!! I got all inspired to write again (not the blog, like really write). So excited!!!!



in raw news: I'm going to make a raw lunch for some people at the office and i'm cuckoo excited. i really hope they like it. maybe i'll teach myself a dessert over the weekend and take that too. i've been getting compliments on the photo of the raw fajitas right and left. it means a lot. : )


Photo by "Mr. Beaver", I'm not being funny

My First Real Raw Meal

Raw fajitas!!!! OMG, I'm so excited. I had them at Talkhouse this weekend and could not get over how yummy they were. So I tried to make them myself. Not too shabby for my first time. Tori's blow mine away, but I'm stunned that mine turned out as well as they did. I made this a tad spicier than I would like, but I know a few friends who would like this.

Holy crap, I'm so stinkin' proud right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Poison...

I had the WORST reaction today after eating something I was very accustomed to eating just a few short weeks ago. It oddly made me sad. Like I'm losing an old friend. I don't know if I can eat beef anymore. : (

on the plus side, i am getting a shipment of raw chips from Brad's Raw Chips to take to the local stores/restaurants to see if they'll carry them. i so hope they will. that would ROCK.



(picture from dadadreams' flickr)

You Probably Don't Give a Flying Frenchman's F___

but I just bought my first flying lesson. I'm excited, both in the fulfill a dream way and holy shit I could die way. Carpe DIEm

Why Do I Love "TrueBlood" So...

oh yeah, no man on that show owns more than 1 shirt (that 1 shirt is usually out of commission) and they all have bodies that will not quit. thank you, Alan Ball, thank you. eric (pictured) is becoming my favorite of the four main players (bill, sam, jason, and eric) he looks like he's seven feet tall. Sunday nights are officially exciting again.


to celebrate the "Trueblood" premiere I ordered my favorite pizza from Cipollina's. never, ever disappointing. maybe that will be my non-raw treat of the week. it's indeed a treat. i'll have to see how i feel tomorrow though. anything that i don't feel well the next day with, i'm axing from the diet. i hope i feel well tomorrrow...

She Moved to Rockferry/I Moved to Austin

seems we're on the same journey though...

supported...

i've had a couple unexpected people reach out to me this week and it's made all the difference in my ennui/malaise/full-on depression. it's surprising to me because i don't think they know what all i'm going through, but just instinctually they reached out to me. i'm a bit overwhelmed by that. everyone i have encountered lately has been awesome and caring towards me. it's really nice and so very appreciated.

i go into this new week feeling hopeful and renewed.

Why I Love My Family (a sweet email from GF)

"Good morning dear Car...

I enjoyed talking to you last evening...you sounded so enthusiastic and on top of things there....You know, it reminded me

of the illustration comparing the difference between a thermometer and a thermostat....You remember that a thermometer

just registers the temperature...some people are just like that...just registering what is taking place in their lives in the

immediate time and place....but, a thermostat CHANGES the temperature...adjusts it....listening to you last evening,

reminded me that you are moving from the thermometer state....to the thermostat setting....I like that for you...

With love,

Grandfather"

I'm so fortunate to have such an encouraging family. They are all like this, I just hope I'm worthy of it.

okkillme...

last year, i got curious about okcupid and signed up. was on it for a few days. FREAKED OUT at the people responding to me and disabled my account. last weekend i decided that i would enable it again. WHY? oh i don't know. i'm a masochist? (i didn't put that on my profile).

anyway. i'm delighted to know that reasonably good-looking 20 somethings still find me wildly intoxicating as do 50 somethings who look as if they know exactly what wine goes well with fava beans and my liver. No man, I'd be interested in (30's/40's, funny, secure, stable job, not bad on the eyes) is even in my local area. I've literally had to look at NYC and CA for any decent options. So of course I'll end up shutting my account down again. that's fine. i'm cool with being alone, but thought i'd see if anyone caught my eye. i should just get up the nerve to go after who i'm attracted to in my real life, but i'm too chickenshit to make a move.

Number One Hundred & Fifty, People

Huh. I mean I know I love to drone on and on ad infinitum about it all, but I'm a bit surprised that I went from "I can't believe I write and I don't have a blog" to my 150th post. I even updated the look for you. You don't care. I know how this story ends. I give and give and give, and what do you do? Sit back and judge. It's like I'm still married. (No offense if you're reading, My Former Beloved)

The pic was stumbled upon. Guess why I like it. Yep. Red. "JackBritBoy" on flickr did this. He has some explanation of it that was too long to read and no title for it so anyway there's something for you to look at.

I was about to bail out of the 10 week seminar that I'm doing because I thought the extra-curricular Monday night meetings were mandatory, but I just spoke with the seminar leader and they are not so hurray. I guess I'll stay. I really like her and I got the all clear for taking off in July for the Advanced Seminar. I'm going to grow as a human being if it effing kills me.

Smoothie update. I took a blender full of green smoothie to work and I really think they liked it!!! I was really impressed that as many people tried it as did. I felt good that I was bringing health vs what I'm bringing them tomorrow - Einstein Bros Bagels. Ohhh, but that are so so good. We all love them and Friday mornings so much. (ohhh, I had a burger again today. I know. I don't know what's wrong. I'll try to pull it together this weekend.

I'm uber-bummed about this Abby girl who is solo-circumnavigating the globe. Christ I hope she's okay. Every time I've thought about her today I've teared up. I think what she's doing is incredible. So brave. I dream of sailing the world, but to do it -- alone -- and you're 16? Shit we acted like it was a big deal that I went to college at 16. It really pales in comparison. So if there's any Power listening, I'm saying a HUGE prayer for her and her family.

Maybe I Was Doing It Right the First Time

The pic is papaya which is in tonight's green smoothie of Swiss Chard, Collard Greens, & Papaya. That and A LOT of water so last night Kale, Cilantro, Parsley Pudding fiasco would not be revisited. Anyway there's the pic. I don't know what pic would be apropos for tonight's topic.


Tonight's topic: Fuck How I've Been Handling Life Post-Orlando.

So basically, anyone who has met "me" in Austin doesn't really know who I am. Normally who I am and what I do is I see something I want and fucking go get it. Like a rabid dog, but cuter. I decided when I left Orlando that I was not going to force anything anymore. I was not going to try. I would just go with the flow. Whatever happened happened. Guess what's happened in my life the last 2 & 1/2 yrs. Not a blessed thing. NOTHING. I swear to God if I don't do it, NOTHING happens. So as soon as I get over my malaise that has set in from living a very unnatural life for me, I am going to find out what I now want and by God it's going to be mine.

No wonder I packed on 27 pounds last year.

What's In a Name

I can tell when someone met/knew me by what they call me. I've gone by different variations of my given name over the years.

Birth Name: CarlaMarie

Variations: Car, Carla-Marie, Carla-Maria, Marie, Maria, Carlita, C, Carly, Carla (that's the standard I give most of you) hmmm I know I'm missing a few but yeah. Someone who used to call me Carlita resurfaced today. That was nice. Brightened my day. While I know you can never go home again, it made me feel a little like home.

C'est La Vie

Beginning to think I'm always going to be put out by people. I need to learn how to disconnect. Why do I even care so much? I really don't know. I'm never going to make anyone conform to the way I think things should be so, let it go already. It's the source of so much of my discontent. I keep thinking if I meet people who are striving to better themselves I won't be let down, but hell, they're only human. Not like I'm perfect, I'm the farthest thing from it. I'm mean. I'm domineering. I'm moody. I'm cold. Not all the time, but I am these things to some extent. What do I expect from everyone else? Really. I need to get that down deep inside me. I'm no bargain so why do I expect every one else to be so amazing? I think I hope that they'll be so incredible that it forces me to be good. I don't know. I just don't even know anymore.

I wish I could not think so much. Just be one of those people who seem to do zero introspection. What would that feel like? Freeing?

Effing Ennui

the title sums it up. christ i HATE feeling like this.

Mammoth

Saw a film tonight that I liked everything about from the cast, to the story, to the soundtrack (which had a lot of Ladytron). I can't really even say what I like about the film. I think that you are seeing the central characters on their personal journeys pretty much alone, which we all are anyway. I don't know. It just resonated with me. As soon as it was over, I said, "I could watch that over again right now". I don't have that happen too often.

Obsession. You're My Obsession...

OMG, Brutus Burgos the Brutish Blender is giving all manner of healthy items the what for. Namely kale. I'm obsessed with kale. I just want to live on kale, kale, kale. In the photo this is KALE, a small handful of frozen mango slices, flax oil, bit of water, and a few dates. I put a few blueberry on top just to make it cute. It looks amazing in person. I'm a sucky photographer, but you get the idea. I'll be blending all sorts of stuff this weekend in an effort to totally heal. I'm still stuffy/coughy. So annoying. Anyway. I plan to have a minimum of one green smoothie a day and maybe even two. We shall see. I'm so PSYCHED about this!!! And full, I'm crazy full.

Rudderless. And Free?

I've been agonizing lately (hence the sickness). I KNEW who I was and what I wanted beyond a shadow of a doubt up until 2 & 1/2 yrs ago. All that was stripped away and now I don't know who the fuck I am or what the fuck I want and I feel so lost. Grandmother begs to differ. She says that it makes me free. She's completely excited for me and about my life. She says I can go anywhere and be anything. Why don't I see that?

Broken Bells - The High Road

What Dreams May Come

So I had quite the BEST DREAM EVER. The star. One Jon Hamm. The topic. No, no I know given it's me you're going to think the worst. It wasn't that bad. I was dressing him up in all kinds of outfits like the living Ken Doll he is, and then altering his clothes. Well hemming his pants anyway. It was so much fun. I have been thinking about getting into sewing and the like again. I guess I figured I'd take Jon along for the ride. I love that I was mostly dressing him in '40's wear. He looked good in '40's wear.


Brutus arrived today. I think I'm going to give him my maiden name. I kind of like Brutus Burgos. I took him out of the box a few minutes ago, but I'm too damn tired to use him tonight. He'll have plenty of time to prove he's worth the ridiculous amount I paid for him. {Brutus is my blender that can break bricks...just realized after the J Hamm paragraph you could think otherwise}


And then there was tonight. I had a sort of breakthrough. Sort of. I'm not exactly thrilled that I went from not knowing that I was going to be doing something the next 10 Wednesdays just a week ago to, oh by the way, you're also going to have to meet an additional time each week. So yeah, Mon/Wed evenings, shot. Oh well. I really hope I get something out of this. So far I'm just getting that "yeah, I AM doing it wrong". Well swell. i KNEW that. Ehhh, I'm tired and was in a fucking shitty mood all day so I'm sure that's just spilled over into this.

So, I shall sleep perchance to... well you know.

All That Fur & All That Hair...

Oh boy do I have the touch. Christ Almighty, I get so mf'ing TIRED of my hair and their fur. At least with being husband-less I'm free of all his hair now and while it was not an insignificant amount it was still no match for the cats and me. I don't remember it being this bad before. Of course I had more cleaning help back in FL. I had a cleaning duo come out a few weeks ago. I'm tempted to call them again to de-hair the place. Okay, enough with our ubiquitous hair.


Do you like the photo I posted? I stole it. From a gliving.com video. It's a RAW banana coconut cake. It's one of the bijillion things I want to learn to make. I think I'm going to sign up for the Raw Cooking Class at Beets that's a week from this Sunday. I'll wait till it gets closer in case God smites me with another vicious virus. I really thought it was over on Sunday. It figures. You figure out your life and you're taken in your prime. Bastards. Oh, but I'm okay so no worries. --- For Now...


Tomorrow night I go back for more Kool Aid and to try on my white sneakers and sleep with the main guy because all us womenfolk are expected to. Ohhhh, I kid. It's just that some people think I've joined a cult and I find that funny/insulting/whatever. Anyway, I'm glad to go back. I'm stuck. I do NOT know what I want. I am hoping I'll some how find out throughout this seminar series. I'm trying to not stress about it, but I do so love stressing.


What else. Ohhh, this is allegedly Day 1 of Raw, but I've been doing it the last several days. I just really feel SUCH a difference eating this way that it's not even an issue. The only issue is when I forget to have enough available options. Here at home it's a breeze. I need to make sure I have enough options at the office, because that's where I'll fall back SAD (Standard American Diet) and I don't want to if I can help it.