Epiphanies--All Over This Mother Part ? 3, 4?

I forget, but I had a HUGE one today as I soared above Austin. HUGE. HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE. It's no secret I have walls up. We all know and see that. It's no secret I run. We all know that too. What hit me thousands of feet above the ground was this "I'm FUCKING PETRIFIED of anything that I don't have utter and complete control over." So I have been keeping my life very small and safe the last few years. So as this played out in my mind, I wondered "Do I really hate Austin?" Hates a strong word, but I do almost feel hatred at times for it here. I need to let this fully soak in, but I see it permeates every thing. EVERY thing. If it's simple, safe, a sure thing I'm all for it. If not, fuck it. Run on, run on, run on. That's why I need so many new things. I keep looking for new things, they scare me, then I run some more.

I don't know if I'm expressing it well, but it makes total sense to me and now I see it as an epic challenge to myself. Suss out what terrifies me and run toward it (unless it's burning building). Obviously, I'll stay away from the true dangers, but I really need to sack up and face life. Like I used to. I was fearless until Jun 11, 2007 when my life fell apart. I've not been alright since then. I think that what I discovered today, just might be a colossal step back on my former fearless path.

I'll write more about my flying experience tomorrow perhaps. This revelation has been most overwhelming. (but if you go to my yelp account you can read the review of my experience there)

I'm Having Epiphanies All Over This Mother...Again

I was coached today and think I had a breakthrough!! I was initially almost numb, or freaked out, or I don't know what maybe overwhelmed by it, but as it's settling tonight I'm feeling GOOD!! I got all inspired to write again (not the blog, like really write). So excited!!!!



in raw news: I'm going to make a raw lunch for some people at the office and i'm cuckoo excited. i really hope they like it. maybe i'll teach myself a dessert over the weekend and take that too. i've been getting compliments on the photo of the raw fajitas right and left. it means a lot. : )


Photo by "Mr. Beaver", I'm not being funny

I'm Having Epiphanies All Over This Mother...

This weekend has been quite productive on the personal growth front. It started yesterday on the acupuncture table. I had a massive breakthrough on something that has been holding me back. I'll not go into it here, but it was deep and profound. Made me cry right there on the table. It was that profound.

Then I went for a walk with an online friend, it was our first time meeting. (I posted on CL looking for an accountability partner at the New Year. She and I account to each other what we eat/if we workout etc). She and I were chatting and she asked me what the dating scene was like in Austin. I was so thrown by the question. I told her that I don't date; that I spent 15 yrs in a relationship and now I'm just focusing on me. Then I said to her that unless the man is completely incredible, I truly do not want to be with anyone again. I am so much happier alone than in a sub par relationship. I hadn't really ever vocalized that to anyone before. I mean I kind of have here and there, but not really out and out said it and known to my core that I meant it. So then that had me thinking for the rest of the day. I absolutely do not want to settle, and I don't need to so - HURRAY!! ; )

After my walk with her I had alllll the foreboding symptoms I get when THEE migraine is about to come on. I immediately put my white flower oil on my forehead and on into my hair right over my right temple where the migraine originates. Then I put the oil on the back of my neck. Then I just talked to myself saying that if I go into the migraine I do, I'll come out of it. I don't know what part or if all that I did prevented the actual onslaught of the migraine, but I didn't go into it. I just had the dull feeling that I could for most of last night. It wasn't until I woke up this morning that I said out loud "The pain's gone!!". Soooo, this has me very optimistic. I start the rowing lessons Tuesday so I wonder if this will be something I have to contend with or maybe I'll be able to talk/work myself out of them. Fingers crossed!!!