I Feel You, Richard Butler

Fated to Pretend

Fitting Song for a Shit Day

20 Questions To Ask Yourself Every Sunday - May 22, '11

1. What did I learn last week?
That I've missed/needed/thrive on attention from a man who's interested in me

2. What was my greatest accomplishment over the past week?
Starting and sticking to a fast

3. Which moment from last week was the most memorable and why?
Multiple Moments :)

4. What’s the #1 thing I need to accomplish this week?
Stay on the fast

5. What can I do right now to make the week less stressful?
Just did it. Total house cleaning.

6. What have I struggled with in the past that might also affect the upcoming week?
Self-doubt and fear

7. What was last week’s biggest time sink?
Wasting time thinking about someone I can't have

8. Am I carrying any excess baggage into the week that can be dropped?
Ohhh, it's so dropped

9. What have I been avoiding that needs to get done?
My hair, that's for Wednesday and getting the PILE of laundry to the wash and fold

10. What opportunities are still on the table?
I really don't know. I think the one I really want still is, but I'm starting to doubt

11. Is there anyone I’ve been meaning to talk to?
No

12. Is there anyone that deserves a big ‘Thank You’?
Yeah :)

13. How can I help someone else this coming week?
I don't know. I have to admit, I need to focus on myself this week. Lots happening.

14. What are my top 3 goals for the next 3 years?
Job I love. Relationship I love. Leave Austin in TWO years if I don't have one of these

15. Have any of my recent actions moved me closer to my goals?
Well time has passed so in that sense, but my actions no. I'm rather fatalistic about this place.

16. What’s the next step for each goal?
Get my resume out there. Drop weight and get myself out there.

17. What am I looking forward to during the upcoming week?
Succeeding at my fast. Flirting with my prospective summer fling. :)

18. What are my fears?
That the thing I want most won't come to pass

19. What am I most grateful for?
The much needed attention I've received this week

20. If I knew I only had one week to live, who would I spend my time with?
Family and certain friends

30 Day Music Challenge: Song That Makes Me Laugh

30 Day Music Challenge: Song You Want Played at Your Funeral

I've already written a blog post that I want Cohen's "The Future" played at my funeral and I also want "Into the Mystic" to be played (I wanted to be buried at sea, but Obama kinda ruined that for me now - THANKS!!!)

"Tower of Song" SEIZES me.

Leonard Cohen - Tower of Song

30 Day Music Challenge: Song You Want Played at Your Wedding

Wow, I don't know on this. I got married at city hall and I'm more than content to do that again or a tiny beach wedding just Mystery Man and I. If MM wanted a wedding, I'd be fine with it so I do think "What would I play at the wedding?" Lately I have been thinking I'd sing Coldplay's "Green Eyes" to MM. The great thing about that song is that you can change the eye color and it still works.

For today's purposes I pick Cocker's "When the Night Comes". I LOVE songs about a couple running away a la "Two Tickets to Paradise". I always want to run away and I dream of a partner who would finally come with me... (not pretend to come with me and a month in trip out and head back home because YES my ex-husband did that to me in California, the prick)

30 Day Music Challenge: A Song You Listen to When You're Happy

"Baby's down on the world and she knows it..."

30 Day Music Challenge: A Song You Listen to When You're Angry

Howard Beale from "Network" :

I don't have to tell you things are bad. Everybody knows things are bad. It's a depression. Everybody's out of work or scared of losing their job. The dollar buys a nickel's worth, banks are going bust, shopkeepers keep a gun under the counter. Punks are running wild in the street and there's nobody anywhere who seems to know what to do, and there's no end to it. We know the air is unfit to breathe and our food is unfit to eat, and we sit watching our TV's while some local newscaster tells us that today we had fifteen homicides and sixty-three violent crimes, as if that's the way it's supposed to be. We know things are bad - worse than bad. They're crazy. It's like everything everywhere is going crazy, so we don't go out anymore. We sit in the house, and slowly the world we are living in is getting smaller, and all we say is, 'Please, at least leave us alone in our living rooms. Let me have my toaster and my TV and my steel-belted radials and I won't say anything. Just leave us alone.' Well, I'm not gonna leave you alone. I want you to get mad! I don't want you to protest. I don't want you to riot - I don't want you to write to your congressman because I wouldn't know what to tell you to write. I don't know what to do about the depression and the inflation and the Russians and the crime in the street. All I know is that first you've got to get mad. You've got to say, 'I'm a HUMAN BEING, God damn it! My life has VALUE!' So I want you to get up now. I want all of you to get up out of your chairs. I want you to get up right now and go to the window. Open it, and stick your head out, and yell, 'I'M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!' I want you to get up right now, sit up, go to your windows, open them and stick your head out and yell - 'I'm as mad as hell and I'm not going to take this anymore!' Things have got to change. But first, you've gotta get mad!... You've got to say, 'I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore!' Then we'll figure out what to do about the depression and the inflation and the oil crisis. But first get up out of your chairs, open the window, stick your head out, and yell, and say it: "I'M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!"

30 Day Music Challenge: Song from Your Favorite Album

I don't have a favorite album so since I have listened to this ALL DAY. I will post this.

"So Brown Eyes I hold you near
Cause you’re the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere..."

30 Day Music Challenge: A Song You Wish You Heard on the Radio

OMG, I haven't gotten this out of my head since I saw it on SNL Saturday night.

SOOOO funny

Jack Sparrow (feat. Michael Bolton)

30 Day Music Challenge: Song You Hear on the Radio All the Time

Only because I don't listen to the radio and it's actually one of my mixes that I play all the time.

LOVE this song SO much.

Bryan Ferry - Don't Stop The Dance

30 Day Music Challenge: Song You Loved That You Now Hate

Well I don't think I'm quite fickle enough to HATE a song I once loved, but almost any Madonna, Sarah McLachlan, or fill-in-the-blank artist that I used to think was so deep I now am completely ambivalent towards. They, like the Lifetime Channel, and OPRAH, just serve to stir up a bunch of hormonal girls/women about nonsense. I liked when Madonna was just about goofy dance songs. Madonna, DON'T PREACH!!

(this video is still cool though) :P


Madonna - Frozen [Official Music Video]

30 Day Music Challenge: A Song That Reminds You of Yourself

Well I'm a narcissist so most do, but this one really does for the last couple years. Not in a bitter way, just kinda fits.

"...Don't get up, Gentlemen, I'm only passing through..."


Bob Dylan - Things Have Changed

30 Day Music Challenge: Song That People Would Be Surprised You Love

Well no one should be surprised by the Fatboy Slim part, but the NWA part - Yeah. I'm surprised how much I love it.


DJ Tripp - Weapon of Compton

30 Day Music Challenge: A Song That Is a Guilty Pleasure

This song cracks me up every time I hear it.

"Hi, there, Johnny!"


I Really Like American Girls - John B

30 Day Music Challenge: A Remix from Your Favorite Band

Okay, I'm rewriting the rules for today. I'm not posting a song from a band I hate because that just annoys me. So I figured since I'm such a remix freak and there are none on the challenge that I'd do one. DM's songs SO lend themselves to remixes. My favorite is the Cicada remix of "World Through My Eyes", but I'm obsessed with "John, the Revelator" lately. So here's a cool remix of it that samples other DM songs.

"...Seven Lies Multiplied by Seven Multiplied by Seven Again..." (I say that every time I hear someone lying) :)




Depeche Mode - John The Revelator - Overdose Mix

30 Day Music Challenge: A Song from Your Favorite Band

My favorite band is "Crowded House" (some could argue that "U2" or "Depeche Mode" were). My favorite CH song BAR NONE is "Kare Kare". It's so visceral for me.

"...You can say the magic word. I've got my senses on. And this is the only place, that I always run from..."


"Kare Kare" LIVE in San Francisco @ Warfield Theater

30 Day Music Challenge: A Song That Makes You Fall Asleep

Seriously, as a kid, this song would put me right not and I had mad panic attacks as a kid so that was no easy feat.

30 Day Music Challenge: Song That Makes You Dance

I'm serious as moonlight, this song makes me want to put on my red shoes and dance the blues.


David Bowie - Let's Dance

30 Day Music Challenge: A Song That You Know Every Word To

Well, hell. I know all the worlds to almost all songs I like so that's no challenge. Then I thought maybe I'd list a foreign language song and then I knew too many of those. So I settle on this as it's a rather complicated story line and I had to actually concentrate on learning it.

Traveling Wilburys - Tweeter And The Monkey Man

30 Day Music Challenge: A Song That Reminds You of a Certain Event

Today would have been my wedding anniversary and since I can't find Psychedelic Furs "Wedding Song", "It's a Mistake" (although about a war) works quite well.


It's a Mistake - Men At Work

30 Day Music Challenge: A Song That Reminds You of Somewhere

This was rough. Thought of songs that reminded me of India, NYC, FL, California, some parts of Europe, and OF COURSE the Ocean.

I settle on this one that mostly reminds me of specific places in California, because even though it would have been an older song then I heard it a lot out there.

I'm starting to lean more toward California for my move if/when I make it.


The Church - Under The Milky Way

30 Day Music Challenge: A Song That Reminds You of Someone

This song has a complicated history for me. Tony, my ex-husband, had William Orbit's "The Best of Strange Cargo" and this is the first song on it. That cd was the first that we listened to together and we listened to it A LOT. Mostly high (it helped).

Well, this song sort of reminds me of him, but more it reminds me of me and how all my life before him, in my relationship and marriage with him, and now after him I have felt so alone.

"You start swimming and swimming and swimming and you never stop swimming until you reach the ocean..." that so me. searching.

"...and you sail into the sunset with out me" again solitude. There is another version where she says "but I know where you are" and that has a less desperate feel to it that I like.

so it's all kind of sad then

"I find myself suddenly waking up, and there are four young girls giving me water from a vine leaf, just dropping it on to my tongue" this to me symbolizes those in your life giving you succor.

"Nothing more. You surround me. Break on through. Release me." I sort of think that's "God" or something spiritual. I'm not 100% sure as I'm not there yet, but I hope to be.


So there. My song that reminds me of someone -- Me. Should have picked "You're So Vain", huh? :P


This video credits Orton, while she sings on it, it's actually William Orbit who's to be credited.

"Water From A Vine Leaf"

30 Day Music Challenge: A Song That Makes You Sad

This was DIFFICULT. I was thinking "Bread"'s "Aubrey", Cash's cover of "Hurt", "Spanish Eyes", "Innocente" by Delirium, a few "Coldplay" songs, about 3 other G Michael songs that RIP my fucking heart out, but his one killed me the first time I heard it in my early 20's, I played it daily, and I totally teared up listening to it just now.

Only difference between the 20 year old me and current me is I wish I could close my eyes again. :)



GEORGE MICHAEL-THE STRANGEST THING

30 Day Music Challenge: A Song That Makes You Happy

You should see me every time I hear this song. I light up!!! :)


Peter Sarstedt - Frozen Orange Juice

30 Day Music Challenge: My Least Favorite Song

OMG, my ex-husband LOVES this song, but honestly I think he LOVED how much I hated it. He'd truly revel in it. I'd beg him to turn it off, he'd laugh at me, and I guess reminisce about his Long Island teen age nights. Nasty!!! :)



Meat Loaf - Paradise By The Dashboard Light

30 Day Music Challenge: My Favorite Song

I have a few FB friends who are doing this and I've enjoyed watching so I figured I'd post it here and link it to there.

My favorite song and has been for years. It's sooooo perfect.


Climax Blues Band - I Love You (1980)

It's Just Another Day

20 Questions To Ask Yourself Every Sunday (it's Sunday back home already)

1. What did I learn last week?
That my observations were correct

2. What was my greatest accomplishment over the past week?
2nd Interview for a job that would be a big change for me

3. Which moment from last week was the most memorable and why?
I saw the sun come up over the city from my window and felt at peace

4. What do I regret from last week and what can I do about it/ learn from it?
That I didn't call the vet sooner (she'll be here Monday at 12:15, but Zoe's not well)

5. What’s the #1 thing I need to accomplish this week?
Turn 36 tomorrow at 9:01 PM EST (so just don't die before then)

6. What is the most stressful thing in my life right now?
My self-imposed deadlines for everything

7. How can I go about improving it?
I don't know that I should. Is having goals wrong?

8. What have I been avoiding that needs to get done?
Organizing the new place

9. What opportunities are still on the table?
The job

10. What am I forgetting?
I forget

11. Is there anyone I’ve been meaning to talk to?
Yeah, but it wouldn't be nice -- so I don't

12. How can I help someone else this coming week?
I don't much pre-plan helping. I help as the need arises.

13. What treat will I promise myself this week?
Spa treatments tomorrow for the birthday

14. What are my top 3 goals for the next 3 months?
New job, Get financial house in better order, Commit to a fitness plan

15. Have any of my recent actions moved me closer to my goals?
Yes!!! The move, the interview, and I've really cut my portions, plus living on the second floor, the stairs are starting to slightly trim my hips/ass (slightly there's a lot more to be done there)

16. What’s the next step for each goal?
See if I get the job, if not start looking for another one. Start paying the debt down. Research gyms in the neighborhood.

17. What am I looking forward to during the upcoming week?
Birthday

18. What are my fears?
That I made a FUCKING COLOSSAL mistake coming to Austin, same fear I've had the last 3 yrs

19. What am I most grateful for?
The glimpses of what could be

20. What can I do to make life more beautiful?
Buy flowers more often. I love flowers.

RIP: Dan Hartman, I Can Dream About You

Okay so most of my youth was spent overseas and one thing that I held sacred was a cassette tape that had "Ghostbusters" on side A and "Streets of Fire" (Which I still haven't seen) on side B. This was purchased in Bangkok, Thailand and saw me ALL through India and several other places as one of my only forms of entertainment.

Tonight I'm sipping scotch, playing online, and listening to Music Choice Channel 822 which is '80's and this song by "Dan Hartman" comes on and I do typical girl freak out "OMG, I LOVE THIS SONG". Well if you watch Music Choice, havers of Time Warner, you know they give you little facts throughout the song about the artist/song etc. Well here's a cold, hard fact. Poor Dan died of AIDS in 1994!!!!!

I couldn't fucking believe it. As I kid I'd listen to this song over and over and over. YES, because I'd flip the cassette back over for Mick Smiliey's "I Believe It's Magic" (my favorite song from "Ghostbusters" and maybe favorite song EVER), but also because I really liked it and it's one of the songs that as a kid made me think "THAT'S what love is like..."

RIP: Dan Hartman and thank you for an awesome song. : (


PS: He also wrote James Brown's "Living in America" GOD DAMN!!

Discipline: I Need It

Okay, go ahead and giggle and get all your naughty thoughts out there, I'll wait for you.


Okay, you done? I giggled too, when it dawned on me that I really need discipline (I snickered again) as I was driving this morning. I was trying to assess what's missing in my life that I have control over and that's it. I have zero accountability in my life. Say what I will about my ex-husband (and we know I will), but he kind of kept me on a certain path. Not the right one, but at least on one.

I basically am like a 5 year old who can do adult things. Anything I want, I get, do, see, what-have-you. There is limited discipline. That's why every thing's gone tits up. I need to get things sorted out and set rules for myself. I just have to establish what those are.

Example: I don't have a TX toll tag. I still periodically go through the tolls here, TX takes a pic, sends the bill to my Orlando address, and my Grandparents pay the bill. I'm going to be 36 on Monday, I mean come on!! That's the crap I'm talking about. I need to man up.

I need discipline.

(do you know how hard it was to find a pic that wasn't obscene?)

The Durutti Column - Drinking Time

Carla's Birthday Weekend

Okay, first of this pic of Carla Gugino came up when I searched "Carla's Birthday" and it was hot so I picked it. So that's out of the way.

I think I have my itinerary down, kinda.

Saturday:

Pedicure & Cooking Class (wanted a film, but I'm not seeing anything I want to see at Alamo South)

Sunday:

Brunch at Paggi

Monday (THEE Day):

Afternoon at the Spa getting massage BY JESUS, facial, and back facial

So that's all on the agenda for now, but I'm sure it will change.

Someone to Watch Over Me

I'll not mince words. I've been having a shitty life for the last 6 months or so. Probably a bit more than that, but it depresses me to actually count it out so a round number shall suffice.

I took 4 days off for the move since I had to do every thing myself. First day back to work, I spill my fruit cocktail all over the front seat of my (new to me) car. It's leather so it's fine I guess. I mopped it up with my hoodie and the canvas bag that it was in.

When I get to the office I just throw the whole thing in the trash. I was just too exhausted to deal with it, you know? Well my boss sees it and she's like, why are you throwing these things out? I tell her. She says, "They can be washed!!!" Me, "I just don't care, I'm too tired." She says, "Well I'm taking them home and washing them for you." I protest, because wow that so is not necessary, but she takes them with her.

Today she returns with the best smelling ever canvas bag and my Yelp hoodie (which I really do love) in it. I just kept smelling it throughout the day. Tonight I took the hoodie out of the bag. It was all neatly zipped and lovely folded like my own mother folded it. I broke down and cried.

Christ, I need my mom or something or just to be taken care of for a bit. : (

Dreams

I'm a big dreamer. I have extremely vivid dreams. They are often so vivid that I am not 100% they didn't happen especially when they involve people in my life.

Lately I have been dreaming that I'm pregnant. I think I'm dreaming that nightly. I had a dream a few nights back that I was going to have an abortion. I was terrified and the doctor who was going to perform it was soooooo kind. He was almost God-like in the dream. He told me "No matter what you do, every thing will be alright." I remember weeping and then needing to find someone who has become my go to person for anything huge that I'm dealing with. That dream was so strong that I actually shared it with my Grandmother.

Then last night I'm pregnant again, but I wasn't showing but I was lactating (sorry, I know it's gross). It was so weird.

I know I'm dealing with a lot of change, but it's just weird that I'm dreaming about it in this fashion where I never have before.

Maybe I'm going to be the 2nd Immaculate Conception.

MasterMind Connection

I know I blogged about this when I first discovered it a few months back, but I haven't acted on it. I'm a member of a Yahoo group and members are periodically added and the leader asks us to introduce ourselves, but I haven't. I'm so freaked out that this will be like church, even though it is NOT like any church I have been to either Catholic nor Protestant (since I'm a 1/2 & 1/2).

I finally stepped up the other night and declared that I'm a member of the group, but that I'm a total newbie (in fact that's what I titled my post) and this man who is the leader of the Intro to MasterMind out of Unity Church of the Hills introduced himself and invited me this Sunday as the 2nd Sunday of each month is a special intro for newbies!! : )

I really think I'm going to go, but I have been panicking about it for 2 days now. I'm so anti-church, yet I miss church.

I wish I could get back the good safe feeling I used to have at church. Maybe I will at this one. It's definitely not my Family's church.

We shall see. I'm leaving myself the option of not going (as did the leader of the group), but as he also said "...I just trust that you will follow your divine guidance on Sunday. We have these into to master mind discussions every second Sunday of the month so no harm if you can’t make it but it’s my guess that you will. Feeling that you are in charge of your life is a good thing in the midst of transition so listen to your heart and you’ll be glad you did. Always!..."

So we shall see...kinda think I'm going. All that I have going on, I could stand some MasterMind Connection.

Here's the link to the 7 steps in case you are wondering what it is.

http://www.unityhills.org/programs/groups/7steps.htm

The Game Is Afoot, Mother-F--kahs!!!

Okay. So the other day I alluded to 5 "Changes". A few people have asked me what they are so I'll go ahead and say. I didn't want to because I think there are some people reading this that I don't particularly care to share my life with, but what the fuck.

1) Dwelling (done)

2) Career (in progress, I do believe)

3) Finances (currently $15k in debt, will be debt-free with a healthy nest-egg)

4) Health/Fitness (I have BALLOONED UP (30 lbs) since moving to Austin, this is no longer acceptable)

5) Relationship (As someone who was in a relationship from the second she was legal till 3 yrs ago, I'm done being alone. I've proved I can do it. Now I'm ready to be in a relationship with an awesome guy who is NOT a manchild)

So those are the Five Changes. One has been accomplished and the others will in their respective times so the numbers currently assigned are subject to change.

I told a good friend today that I'm sick of mediocrity. I meant in others, but I really mean in my own life. After all, the things we despise in others is what we see in ourselves. I see it in others and I really see it in me. I'm not talking about being a perfect, cookie-cutter Stepford Wife phony. I just mean the best version of CarlaMarie that I can possibly be.


(the photo doesn't have anything to do with this post other than the title and I liked it.) :P

Before That Sun Goes Down

Post 500: Five Changes

I deliberately put off posting the last couple days as I knew this post would be my 500th. I didn't want it to be a post of frivolity although I do love a good frivol (I know it's not a noun, but I don't care).

There are five things I'm changing in my life. The first just happened. The remaining four, I hope, will happen this year. Two I have pretty strong control over, two I'm rather at the mercy of others. I'm determined to make all four changes though.

When I make up my mind about these things, I get very restless. Once I know what I want, I absolutely obsess about it.

So if you're around me and I'm distracted, I apologize. If I'm not around, I apologize. Some times I get withdrawn when I'm in this mode.

Finally Moving

"Whoooooooaaaa, sometimes I get a good feeling yeah.
Get a feeling that I never, never, never, never had before no, no.
I get a good felling, yeah." : P

Starting Over

Something I used to dread (Change) has become something I kind of love/need now. In fact, I get so stressed when it seems everything is status quo. I'm so excited for the changes that this particular new start will bring me. I feel that the first three years here were sort of a grieving period and now I'm done with that.

A friend wrote me the most awesome email today that touched me beyond words, "Hey, girlie….have fun opening the “next chapter” in your wonderful life…."

That really sums it up doesn't it?

Play This Song at My Funeral

Two birthdays ago, I had a front row seat to Mr. Cohen serenading me.
I'll never forget it. Ever.

Apologies to 1621

I don't know if it's that my formative years involved frequent European excursions. I don't know if it's that I'm 1/2 South American. I don't know if it's that I grew up in and lived the first 33 years of my life either 6 - 8 stories off the ground. I don't know if it's that bras are suffocating, but when I'm home 95% of the time I'm topless. So call/text before visiting me.

I am in the process of moving out and a couple weeks back I took down the curtains in my kitchen. I've wondered if the neighbors could see me. The mail carrier gave me all of 1621's mail yesterday. As I saw one of the cars belonging to the couple pull up yesterday, I went out to give them their mail back. Given that the husband could NOT looking me in eyes, I'd say I have my answer.

Don't worry, Mrs. 1621. I'll be gone soon.

Restless

Christ, I'm restless. Hardly surprising, but semi-annoying.

I'll be glad when the next few weeks have passed. So much happening.

D'You Know What I Mean?

I've had this song in my head for days. Just woke up with it in my head again so strong I had to see the video.





Step off a train, all alone at dawn
Back into the hole where I was born
Sun in the sky, never raised an eye to me

There's blood on the tracks, and they must be mine
Fool on the hill, and I feel fine
Don't look back, 'cause you know what you might see

Look into the wall of my mind's eye
I think I know, but I don't know why
Questions of the answers you might need

Comin' in a mess, going out in style
I ain't good lookin', but I'm someone's child
No one can give me the air that's mine to breathe

I met my maker, I made him cry
And on my shoulder, he asked me why
As people won't fly through the storm
I said listen up now, we don't even know you're born

All my people right here, right now
D'you know what I mean? (yeah, yeah)

All my people right here, right now
D'you know what I mean? (yeah, yeah)

All my people right here, right now
D'you know what I mean? (yeah, yeah)

I don't really care for what you believe
So open up your fist and you will receive
The thoughts and the words of every man you'll meet

Get up off the floor of the leaving line
No one's ever gonna ever ask you twice
Get all the fuss and bring it all home to me

I met my maker, I made him cry
And on my shoulder, he asked me why
As people won't fly through the storm
I said listen up now, we don't even know you're born

All my people right here, right now
D'you know what I mean? (yeah, yeah)

All my people right here, right now
D'you know what I mean? (yeah, yeah)

All my people right here, right now
D'you know what I mean? (yeah, yeah)

Free = Freeing

Okay so there is, Christ, I don't even know probably $1,000's worth of stuff that I have given away and continue to do so because I don't have the time/patience to sit with ALL this stuff. It's lots of little stuff, but stuff that I have held on to because of sentiment.

Some people where making me feel badly/foolish for not asking for money so I started to and I just get SO annoyed with the questions and the "YES, I WANT IT" and then a no show or an excuse and they'll be by later or tomorrow or this weekend. It takes a lot for my emotionally to part with some of this stuff so to think, "Okay, 'x' will be gone by 7pm" and then it's not is hard on me.

BASTA!!!!

I'm done. I listed the last few larger objects for free tonight and within 10 min I have all of them spoken for and they all should be gone by 8:30pm. The best part was there was one item that was super-sentimental and I really hoped it went to someone cool, but where you're offering it for free who knows, right? Well as Eduardo hung up the phone he says, "Ciao!!" and I go, "Oh yeah, HE is the one who should have these!!!"

It's amazing how I am gaining nothing monetarily, but gaining MASSIVE amounts of peace with each of these items that I'm tossing. I haven't tossed everything from the 15 yrs we were together, but Holy Shit. I'd say I've axed a good 85% of it. I'm trying to get the balls to toss everything, but I'm having a hard time with that. I feel like that says that 15 of my 35 years were utterly meaningless. I KNOW that's not the case, but that's how it feels.

Good God, emotions are running HIGH in this old house.

(Sidenote: Sexy Pic, Huh??)

You Know That Scene...

in "The 'Burbs" where the younger Klopek drives the family car down the drive way, takes the trash out of the trunk, puts it in the the trash can and beats the fucking hell out of it while Hanks, Dern, and the other guy look on from across the street, then gets back in the car, backs it up into the garage and the door closes?

I want to do that. I HATE ALL THE CLUTTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Gratitude Is the Memory of the Heart"

Massieu wrote that. He also wrote "Let the Englishman have his coffee, and let me have my ham." Well let this mutt have BOTH!! ; P

Anyway this is not about Massieu, it's about Moi. I have had it in for this town because I thought I made a huge mistake coming here.
When I get frustrated, Reason and I soon part ways.

Anyway, suddenly everything is just falling neatly into place like a row of dominos tumbling beautifully in a row, and almost that quick. Where there was only an impasse and dejection there is now movement and hope.

I'm so grateful to those who have stuck by me during these difficult times. I love you guys, and the gratitude I feel for you fills my heart.

:)

New Order - Crystal

Don't F@ck With Me, Brimley!!!

OMG, I just kicked a Wilford Brimley look-alike out of my house and it was AWESOME!!!

I'm selling a ton of stuff (mostly giving away) and he shows up an hour early, I had just gotten out of the shower. He sort of charges on in and I show him the item I'm selling. Now I am selling it for $80 or best offer, and I have a few people lined up who also want the item so it's a seller's market on this one.

He goes, "I'll take it. Now that was $50 right?"

Me, "Nope $80"

Him, "60"

Me, "EIGHTY"

Him, "That's not worth $80"

Me, "There's the door"

He just STARED at me. He really thought I was going to back down. He just stared at me.

Me, "Goodbye"

He sat in his truck outside my house for at least 10 minutes. Enjoy the trip back to Bastrop, Brimley.

Now let me say this. I'd have taken $50. I mean I'm giving away $100's worth of stuff daily for nothing. I just want everything gone.

I didn't like his manner and I do NOT like when they play dumb on the price. Man the fuck up and say, "I'll give you $50" That's all he had to do. Pretending you don't know the price? Bitch move, Brimley, and I'm not having it.

His good ol' boy horseshit manner made me think of Ms. Crawford.

(for the record, I have encountered VERY little of that in my life. most people are very respectful to me. but every once in awhile...)

If I Were a Carpenter...

God, I love "If I Were a Carpenter". I cannot decide which version I love best. I think I'll go with Darin's, especially reading that he was gravely ill during this taping and died 9 mos later. Robert Plant is a god to me so he's high on the list. Also love Hardin's (the writer of the song). The Four Tops have a version. I'm a bit ehhh on that. I heard Seger's version yesterday and that's what made me decide I needed to talk about this song. I love that Fogleberg apologizes for its chauvinism. It's not even remotely chauvinistic to me.

I just love the idea of the song. If a man, was good and true through and through, I'd don't give a good Goddamn what he has. I'd just want him. If I ever remarry, this will be played at my wedding.


If I were a carpenter
And you were a lady,
Would you marry me anyway?
Would you have my baby?

If a tinker were my trade
would you still find me,
Carrying the pots I made,
Following behind me.

Save my love through loneliness,
Save my love for sorrow,
I'm given you my onliness,
Come give your tomorrow.

If I worked my hands in wood,
Would you still love me?
Answer me babe, "Yes I would,
I'll put you above me."

If I were a miller
at a mill wheel grinding,
would you miss your color box,
and your soft shoe shining?

If I were a carpenter
and you were a lady,
Would you marry me anyway?
Would you have my baby?
Would you marry anyway?
Would you have my baby?

Carla's Trash Is Several People's Treasure

Man, I have been humbled for the fifth time this week. I seriously would not be sad if I lost everything in a fire right now (not the cats nor shoes). I'm sooo sick of everything and stressing over the downsizing. So yes, I could have gotten money for a lot of the stuff I ended up listing for free on CL, but pftt. The experience of being able to give these things that I actually hate to people who are positively grateful has been AWESOME. AWESOME!!! I got a little scared today because I was listing everything in my pantry and posting that you have free food brings out a whole other element. I felt terrible, but I was scared to give the food to a couple men who responded. What if they saw that I live alone blahlblahblah. I have trust issues. So I found the sweetest girl EVER (that I gave the food to) who I am going to hire to help me clean the house and new apt. She has offered her help with anything I need. She just really needs the $$.

It's been sobering. I'm so lucky. Part of me has been all pouty about the fact that I need to make this move. Shame on me. I have it WELL. SO well. I got to crying on the phone to Grandmother about it. How did I grow up in India and get so far removed from all I saw there? She was saying how it's hard for her coming back to the beautiful condo each time she returns from India. I told her I really got that tonight. I really did.

God Damn It

I had a fucking awesome day today.

From beginning to end!!

I even had a Cuban Sandwich (one of my favorite of the sandwiches) and Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Cheesecake at "The Cheesecake Factory"

Yep, GOOD day.

So Far Away...

Man, I'm getting rid of SO much stuff my ex-husband gave me. Christ, it's hard.

Don't tell him, but I still love him.

I mean, best thing I ever did to get away -- but yeah, still do.

Craigslist: It's So Much More Than Just an Awesome Orgy Finder!!

OMG, I was EPICALLY stressed over stuff (otherwise known as crap I accumulate to give me a false sense of security). Yesterday I decide to take a shot at posting a lot of my stuff for free. Books, DVDs, Kitchen Cuckooness, and Clothes. I have met the most awesome people this afternoon. Learned a little bit about people who are on their different journeys and can benefit from what I view as a noose around my neck. The interactions were awesome and 20 times better than cash. There really are some things that you cannot put a price tag on.

I feel freer this evening. I have a bit more space. I know I'll need to list even more stuff, but I have the room now to throw open the cabinets again and get real with myself as to what I need and what I don't. Well I do NOT need any of it, but you know. What might I realistically use.

Today's been a great day. : )

Ohh, and Ladies, if you're ever feeling a bit down. Post a CL ad and within 10 minutes you'll feel hotter than Angelina Jolie. Your ego will be satisfied and you never have meet anyone, unless you want to. I do this about every six months and my self-esteem shoots through the roof. Hey, sometimes you need to know SOMEONE things you're fine.

Raw Emotion

Okay the pic is hot, and definitely shows the raw emotion of passion/horniness - which I am feeling, but I'm feeling raw emotion on several fronts.

1) Japan - Christ, what can I say? It's unfathomable. I have only been in Tokyo's airport and after seeing a really fun episode of "Top Gear" a few weeks back added Japan to the list of countries to revisit as an adult. Now, I don't even know. My heart aches for them. I was crying as I watched the news tonight. I had been avoiding it because I wasn't up to it with the other things that have been going on.

2) The move - (happening first week of April) excited on some levels, freaked the fuck out on others.

3) The job - will it be there tomorrow? who knows. i know i'll be alright. fortunately, i have an awesome family. i also have awesome pride and i HATE relying on other people. so i hope a solid, new, fun, fulfilling opportunity surfaces AFTER THE MOVE.

4) The birthday - Going to be 36 in a month a four days. Thirty-six. I thought I'd have FutureBaby Max by now. I thought a lot of things would be by now. Life has not turned out like I thought it would. Not remotely. So far, I'm not liking how things are looking. So change them, right? Riiiiiiight. To what? What? I really don't know. All that meant anything to me is now long gone. There are new things that might potentially mean something to me, but it's all hypothetical right now.

5) My Grandparents - I worry about them. A lot. Am I selfish staying here? Should I have encouraged them to move here? They wanted to then I told them not to because I don't think I like Austin. I will be here for a bit though, so did I do the wrong thing? How much time do they have left?

6) My brother - I miss him.

7) My sister - Will we ever have a relationship?

8) My parents - Ehhhh, what to say?

9) My friends - am I slighting them? I get so very focused on me, and then suddenly read that one of them has had a problem or brush with something scary and I didn't even know. How much more wrapped up in myself can I possibly be?

10) Others - I grew up helping people in India. What the fuck am I doing now? NOTHING. Nothing of value. How can I see what I have seen and live the life I live?

I think I'll just stop there because I have myself crying now.

Yeah, RAW EMOTION.

"Death Is a Debt We All Must Pay." ~Euripides

My Grandparents lost a friend they had for over 60 yrs last night. He was a sweet man. He and his wife were very good to me the second time I moved to California. My husband up and left me (for the dozenth time) and I was stuck out there in San Diego. They took me in and helped me and made a horrible time so much better until my family got me back home (long story...all these sorts of stories of mine are).

Anyway, Grandmother was telling me how they (Grandfather, she, and this man) were "The Three Musketeers". He was married to another woman at the time, but I guess that was not a happy union. The woman I know was his 2nd wife. I've often heard stories about him and few other friends of theirs who have passed on in the last 5-10 yrs. It makes me wonder what that must feel like. The certainty that you or your friends will die - soon.

I've thought a lot about death in the last year. Well I always have, but more so lately. I was at the doctor the other day for panic attacks and I have to keep filling out this mental health questionnaire. (She thinks I'm bi-polar or in some way off). I answer everything as honestly as I can including the "Do you have thoughts of killing yourself." I do. Just not now. I just think of it more as an option should I ever find out I'm really sick. What's the point of making it to 80 and suffering? None that I see. This would be the advantage of never having kids. I couldn't do something like that if I had children left behind. If there is no one though, I think it's a perfectly viable option. Other than religious guilt, which fades a bit more each year, I don't see anything wrong with it. It's your life. Why shouldn't you have the ultimate control over it.

To the people who actually know me who are reading this: Don't Worry! I'm fine!! Just talking about the things that we aren't supposed to talk about. Why not? Death is a part of Life.

Carla Sidhom: Rare Book Collector

I have always loved books.

Since my childhood, I dreamt of having Prof. Higgins library (see pic).

I have collected and given away, collected and given away my books. I'm doing so again.

I want to build a collection that I wouldn't dream of giving away.

I hate collecting. I hear of others doing it with various things, and I don't get the point. I do with books.

I'd love to become a mini-expert at it.


On another note, Rex Harrison as Professor Higgins was one of my first crushes.

Yo, Adrien!!!!

You know how much a love you, so I humbly request that you not shill any other products. I'm sitting here drinking Stella Artois that I purchased for reasons beyond my control. I was at the store. I saw Stella Artois. I heard you singing to me (yes, TO ME!!!). I bought Stella Artois.

Your Svengali-esque hold on me is too strong. So please, no more commercials. Have mercy on me.

If you must sell something, please make it a really great mutual fund or IRA or even gold. Dude, GOLD. Glen Beck has me hating gold, you could make me love it again!!

Use your sick powers over me for good, Adrien.

Panic

I had my first panic attack when I was at least 8 if not younger. Had my most current one today.

Better now. Scary each time though. Always makes me think of this song.

Maybe I'm just scared of gas prices :P :)


Oasis - Gas Panic (album version)



What tongueless ghost of sin crept through my curtains?
Sailing on a sea of sweat on a stormy night
I think he don't got a name but I can't be certain
And in me he starts to confide

That my family don't seem so familiar
And my enemies all know my name
And if you hear me tap on your window
Better get on your knees and pray panic is on the way

My pulse pumps out a beat to the ghost dancer
My eyes are dead and my throat's like a black hole
And if there's a god would he give another chance?
An hour to sing for his soul

Cos my family don't seem so familiar
And my enemies all know my name
And when you hear me tap on yer window
Yer better get on your knees and pray panic is on the way

Cos my family don't seem so familiar
And my enemies all know my name
And when you hear me tap on your window
Then you get on your knees and you better pray
Cos my family don't seem so familiar
And my enemies all know my name
And when you hear me tap on your window
Yer better get on your knees and pray
Panic is on the way
Panic is on the way

Rethinking It All

A week ago, I had no idea I'd be here. Here is I just signed the lease to a considerably smaller place with a considerably smaller price tag. I will have to get rid of most of what I have due to the diminished size, and let's be honest, I don't use even 85% of what I own. Some things have been a bit hard. A lot of sentimental things will be sacrificed. I think it will mostly be cathartic. I'm getting out of debt, and I'm excited about that. I have been comfortable (sort of) with debt as so many I know are in debt regardless of double income and even some rather large incomes. It's natural to live bigger when you can and I have. I didn't adjust to the fact I make a good $15k less in Texas than I did in FL. So it's time to alter things to correct this little problem.

I have to be brutally honest with myself (that's why I'm writing this, a measure of accountability). I have a bit of a problem that throwing money at DOES seem to temporarily fix. I need to break that in the next year or two because I don't want to hobble along in life like this.

So it's a bit of a sacrifice now, but the rewards on the other side will be great.

I like this pic I found because I think that sort of sums it up for me. I feel I have to spend, spend, spend. But I don't, don't, DON'T.

People who are true, love me for me. I don't have to buy their love.

And neither do you. ; )

Cadbury: Jesus Would Not Approve of Your Diminished Eggs

I'm very open-minded when it comes to religion. That'll happen when you spend your formative years in India, but I most identify with Christianity and specifically I really like Jesus. I don't know if he really existed or not (95% of my family does, but that's them), but I really dig him. I dig that he was pretty much chill, but lost his mind in the temple. That's my kind of Deity. Usually chill, but don't screw Him over. Hey, that's kinda like me!! I'm like Jesus!! :P

Anyway, I get excited about Easter. Sometimes it's on or around my birthday. Sometimes it's not. It's the week after my birthday this year. It's rather late. It usually means I get pastel colored gifts. That's cool. I still love "Miami Vice" so, YAY!

You know what else I like about Easter. The title and photo will have tipped you off, but yes The Cadbury Creme Egg. I love anything creme filled. Since this post has referenced our Lord and Savior, I'll not go further with that.

I was so excited to see Cadbury Eggs at the story yesterday that purchased TWO boxes of them. That's 8 eggs. That's 2/3 of a dozen!!! That's a lot of eggs, right? WRONG!!!!!

What happened, Cadbury? What did you do to our eggs? They are wee!!! I can pop this whole sucker in my mouth. That's not right!!! I am supposed to carefully bite off the top, lick the creme fondant (that's what it's called) out, and then eat the shell. It's a very specific procedure. Kind of like the proper procedure for eating an Oreo.

I did a bit of research and learned that Cadbury initially DENIED that the eggs were smaller and just said we have grown up. Damn it, Cadbury. Don't fuck with me like that. I already know I have man-hands. Don't make me feel like a total freak.

You shrunk these eggs. You know it, I know it, and Jesus knows it. Ohhhh, He SO knows it!!!

Pretty Much Sums It Up: Part II

Fleetwood Mac - Everywhere

Got a Predicament? Bread and Olive Oil Can Help

Have you been struck by a steady rush of one problem after another for the last six + months? ME TOO!!!!

The latest shit-storm descended today and after a good cry I turned to bread and olive oil and guess what? I'm as right as rain.

Calmed me right down. I remembered that this to shall pass.

I need it to pass quickly though because my ass cannot get any fatter.

"Dogtooth": If You've Seen This, Let's Form a Support Group

MOTHER OF GOD was this intense, but I loved it.

First of all, let the record show I was home schooled and I'm fine. I mean I'm not fine, but I don't fault home schooling. I finished high school at 14 and was in a well respected intense Honors program in college at 16 so home schooling - not all bad.

This movie is such an amazing way of showcasing why you should not shelter your children.

It's graphic, it's funny, it's disturbing.

It was a Best Foreign Pic Nominee at the Oscars this year. I can see why.

I kinda need to talk to someone about this.

Lose the Battle/Win the War

There are a few sayings that are like Gospel to me. This is one. I'm currently putting it into play yet again, by walking away from something for the moment only to reemerge stronger than ever. I'm going to drastically scale back my lifestyle and get debt-free by summer '12.

That will mean a lot of sacrifice, obviously. The biggest will be in my dwelling. I'm going to go from my 3 bedroom house to probably a studio maaaaaybe a 1 bedroom, but since I want to stay in my high-rent neighborhood that's really pushing it.

Tonight Reality slapped me in the face (when it should be slapping C. Sheen in the face) as I viewed my possible future abode.

TINY!!!!!!! But, I will be debt-free. ZERO DEBT. OWE NO MAN NOTHING.

I think I can lose this battle to win that war!!! : )

Trapped

I feel so boxed in right now, I could fucking scream.

Pretty Much Sums It Up

The Bee Gees- 'Words'

Initiative

You know the biggest thing I notice now that I'm well in my 30's? That I have lost my mind in regards to men.

I seriously contemplated rear-ending this total hotass in an old, beat-up GMC pickup just to meet him. If I had my old car, I just might have done it.

I think my fever may have spiked.

25 or 6 to 4

I think I have landed on what to write about.

If I do, I'll need a pseudonym and for a couple of people to no longer be around.

Phil Seymour - Precious To Me

Fleeting

As I steadily approach the successful completion of my 35th year on this crazy, little, spinning rock I marvel that I'm here. I was the girl was going to die before she hit 28 and how I didn't achieve that might be argument for the the existence of a Higher Power. I did almost everything in my power to make that happen. So how did I get so lucky to make it this far when others didn't?

I don't have an answer. Just a question I'm asking.

Austin Sucks. Don't Move Here...

Except I actually mean it. I just sat for 58 minutes (before I could convince the Indian woman in the car next to me that she wouldn't be arrested for driving the wrong way down a one way street) trapped due to the marathon. Now I'm about to do something I never thought I'd do --- Praise Orlando.

In Orlando, we have this same stuff going on all the time too. I live downtown in Orlando, as I basically do here. You know what they do in Orlando. POST SIGNS TELLING YOU OF ROAD CLOSURES BEEEEEFORE YOU GET TO THE CLOSURE!!!! Not everyone watches the dull-as-dishwater local news. So you might innocently get up on a Sunday morning, as I often do, and decide to beat the church crowd only to to be trapped with no end in sight. If this was my first incident with this, I wouldn't really care. It's nice outside, there was nowhere I really had to be, and I enjoyed being reminded of why I hate running - 95% of runners' bodies are gross to me -- fuckin' eat something!! Then there was the other 5%, some pretty, pretty, pretty well built guys running shirtless. That made up for it all. I got some good material out of it, if you know what I mean.

But seriously. There are several places on my way home from work each day that warn of road closures and that particular project wrapped WEEKS ago. I don't get what's with the entire road system here, but it's really not good. I feel comparing O to A is fair because O is the 27th largest US city and A is the 35th. To me that is close and to me there is no reason some well posted signs could not be utilized here, no NOT utilized if they are no longer relevant. Ohhh, and I'm by no means the only one to feel that way. I thought a few of my fellow prisoners were going to go completely agro this morning.

Subtle Changes

I've been making some changes the last few weeks and it's caused me to reflect on the past, some of the FL past, but more of the Austin past. Reviewing old notes, thoughts, etc. was quite illuminating. Changes that were subtle have added up to some massive, positive changes. It's very encouraging and empowering.

I'll Let Björk Be My Mouthpiece

She cuts to the chase so much better than I...

Respect

I have come to the conclusion that respect is what I want and cherish above all else. Any situation I'm in that I do not feel respected, I'll not remain in. I used to think that love, attention, adoration was what I wanted and I do, I definitely do, but respect first and foremost is what I crave.

I have found an incredible friend base here in Austin in which I feel deeply respected. I love that. I want that in all arenas of my life -- because I deserve people's respect. I'm in a situation in which no one seems to respect anyone. I look forward to the day I'm no longer there.

So What's New with You?

This was from my Daily OM earlier this week and I'd say that this very well sums up the last 4-6 months of my life, in case you were wondering. Also, I won't be keeping a duck feather.


"Sometimes a part of us must die before another part can come to life. Even though this is a natural and necessary part of our growth, it is often painful or, if we don’t realize what’s happening, confusing and disorienting. In fact, confusion and disorientation are often the messengers that tell us a shift is taking place within us. These shifts happen throughout the lives of all humans, as we move from infancy to childhood to adolescence and beyond. With each transition from one phase to another, we find ourselves saying good-bye to an old friend, the identity that we formed in order to move through that particular time.

Sometimes we form these identities in relationships or jobs, and when we shift those areas of our life become unsettled. Usually, if we take the time to look into the changing surface of things, we will find that a shift is taking place within us. For example, we may go through one whole chapter of our lives creating a protective shell around ourselves because we need it in order to heal from some early trauma. One day, though, we may find ourselves feeling confined and restless, wanting to move outside the shelter we needed for so long; the new part of ourselves cannot be born within the confines of the shell our old self needed to survive.

We may feel a strange mixture of exhilaration and sadness as we say good-bye to a part of ourselves that is dying and make way for a whole new identity to emerge in its place. We may find inspiration in working with the image of an animal who molts or sheds in order to make way for new skin, fur, or feathers to emerge. For example, keeping a duck feather, or some other symbol of transformation, can remind us that death and rebirth are simply nature’s way of evolving. We can surrender to this process, letting go of our past self with great love and gratitude, and welcoming the new with an open mind and heart, ready for our next phase of life."

I Need to Add This to My "Carla's Life Soundtrack"

Hot Chocolate - Every 1's a winner 1978

All That Fur & All That Hair

One of These Mornings

Won't be very long. You will look for me, and I'll be gone.

"Honesty" Is Such a Lovely Word

Have you ever had a conversation with someone and you just suddenly said what it was you truly have been thinking/feeling and yet somehow didn't realize?

I just did that.

HUGE!!!

Abe would be proud.

Simple Marriage

I subscribe to a lot of self-improvement blogs/newletters etc. I got one the other day from Zen Habits that actually was about another blog that I was unfamiliar with called "Simple Marriage". It was entitled "Relationships Are Easy" which TOTALLY got my attention because I have always thought the "Marriage is hard work" notion was BS. I see my Grandparents who have been married 59 yrs and there is NOTHING hard about what they have. Okay, they have had 59 yrs to perfect it, but I was around for 35 of those years and it's been easy all that time and I am pretty sure it was before I came along. I'm not saying they would not have had hard times, but they are best friends and they show it. So I read the email and was so moved by it I forwarded it to a friend (which I rarely ever do, I don't like to feel like I'm forcing something on someone). My friend got a lot out of it too. So I figured, let me blog about it in case someone else needs to read it as well.

http://www.simplemarriage.net/manifesto.html


http://www.simplemarriage.net/manifesto.html


It's hit and miss if blogger let's me post a link so you might need to copy and paste it. I really liked the Manifesto. I showed me that I completely did the right thing in leaving, not that I doubt my leaving, but sometimes when you look at the fact that you've been alone for three years it can fuck with you. Reading this showed me how I have really grown. REALLY grown. I have a ways to go, but it's not over till I'm dead. I've made some personal decisions. I have decided that I do what to remarry. I want to marry someone who gets this though. I do NOT want to struggle in a relationship just so to not be alone. I want someone who makes me life better for being in it and I do the same for him. I want to grow old with my best friend.

Brown Chicken Brown Cow (II)

Well look at me. I apparently have already titled a blog post BCBC before as it auto-populated. Well sorry of repeating myself, but I think while the general topic will be sex that there is a deeper point to the post.

So if you're keeping up you know that I got turned on (not sorry for the sophomoric pun) to belly dancing about a month ago. Unlike most of my, "OH MY GOD I HAVE TO DO THAT" urges this one has stuck around. In fact, it's helping me. A lot. I have never been fatter in my life than I am now and while I'm not happy about it, I'm finding that with the dancing it's making me respect my body more and in turn I'm gradually giving a damn about myself. This is reflected in a big drop off in my emotional eating/drinking. BIG drop off. I feel like I'm starting to connect to my body more. I start my formal lessons tomorrow and I'm so excited. I am afraid that I'm doing some moves wrong (I get SO turned around) so it will be wonderful to have Najla right there showing me what to do and not do.

I'm finding that just in the little bit I've done on my own that my senses are reawakening (refer to title and pic if you are unclear what 'senses' I am speaking of). It's really nice. I had soooo shut myself off due to a couple of notable mistakes in judgement in the men department, that I really felt almost dead inside. No I actually did feel dead inside.

It's nice to see that there is hope. I met a woman from Craigslist today (I'd love to end the post right there:) ), and she was telling me that when she was 36 (which I will be in April) that she packed it in. Decided "I'm going to be alone" so she bought a place in the country, a bunch of horses, and a pickup (the pickup was what started the life story). She then said that she knew a guy at the time, but he was serving in Bosnia and there didn't seem like there was going to be a relationship. Cut to present day - they're married. I just loved the story because she was 36 and had packed it in, just like I have, and life surprised her.

I'm looking forward to life surprising me --- IN A GOOD WAY THIS TIME, LIFE!!!

Linear: Leaves Me Cold

I have been attempting to find a picture of a cozy, stone (or brick) restaurant to try to duplicate what's in my head. It's moments like this that I wish the family's artist gene took the form of drawing, like it has for several in our family, instead of verse as it has for me. I have SOOOOOOOOOOO many beautiful images in my head that I have no way of conveying. I have a vision and a feeling of a restaurant that I feel is MY restaurant. So I have been searching and searching all day. Nothing has come close. One thing I found interesting though was how many very linear designed places people had captioned as "cozy". I do not think "cozy" when I think linear. Neat - Yes. Orderly - Yes. Cold as Ice - ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY.

I can appreciate linear things, but I do not get a good feeling from them. It's funny. I used to tell my ex-husband all the time, "You are have a very linear way of thinking," to which he'd snap, "I know you're insulting me." Which I truly wasn't. I just felt it was why we were not compatible. I mean he is WAAAAAY linear in his thinking. I don't think there is a thing wrong with that, just doesn't mesh well with me and my way of thinking.

I've seen several restaurants that I have liked in my search and ALL expect one in NYC are overseas. I guess when you grow up abroad it affects you. :)

I obviously have picked an uber-linear picture to illustrate my point of it being ice cold. The restaurants were not this institutional. They were softly lit which helped, but cozy -- uh, no.

The Year of the Cat (Bunny)

OMG, it's finally my Chinese year!!!! I truly forgot that it was coming up!!! I'm the year of the rabbit or cat depending on the astrology. Given my cat love I like to say cat, but bunnies rock too.

I should get a reading for this year. I hope that it means AMAZING things will happen!!!

Woman in Chains

Christ, sometimes I so feel this song. :(






You better love loving and you better behave
You better love loving and you better behave
Woman in chains, woman in chains

Calls her man the great white hope
Says she's fine, she'll always cope, ooh
Woman in chains, woman in chains

Well, I feel lying and waiting is a poor man's deal (A poor man's deal)
And I feel hopelessly weighed down by your eyes of steel
(Your eyes of steel)
Well, It's a world gone crazy keeps woman in chains, woh woh woh
Woman in chains, woman in chains

Trades her soul as skin and bones
(You better love loving and you better behave)
Sells the only thing she owns
(You better love loving and you better behave) ooh ooh
Woman in chains (the sun and the moon), woman in chains

Men of stone, men of stone, hey baby, no no no, ooh

Well, I feel deep in your heart there are wounds time can't heal
(The time can't heal)
And I feel somebody somewhere is trying to breathe
Well, you know what I mean
It's a world gone crazy keeps woman in chains

It's under my skin but out of my hands
I'll tear it apart (somebody somewhere is trying)
But I won't understand (to breathe)
I will not accept the greatness of man
It's a world gone crazy keeps woman in chains
Gone crazy keeps woman in chains

So free her, so free her, so free her
So free her, so free her (the sun and the moon)
So free (the wind and the rain) her, so free her
So free her, so free her, so free her, so free her
So free her, so free her (the sun and the moon)
So free (the wind and the rain) her, so free her

3 Year Austinversary: Go Big or Go Home

So three years ago today I landed (in my car) here in Austin; running away from the oppressive regime of my homeland. That made me smirk.

Things I'm Grateful for:

My Kickass Network of Friends
MimiNoir
My Never Say Die Attitude That's Going to Kick All The Negative Things Listed Below Right in the Ass







Things That Suck So Bad I Was Looking Into Moving to the Keys:

My Job
The Massive Pay Cut I Took Moving Here
The Debt I've Racked Up from Massive Pay Cut
The Drivers Here (I'm going to pistol-whip someone before I make it out of this state)
My Boys Dying (Yes, I a bit blame TX. Don't ask me why. Blame is rarely rational)
Being Alone the Entire Three Years I've Lived Here
Gaining 30 Pounds Since Moving Here (Grandmother would say this is why the alone thing happened. I've seen a lot of fatties get married so I'm not buying that)

So as you can see, I have several things on the negative side that I want to turn around. The job is NUMBER ONE on the list. I'm absolutely done with that place and all its negativity and really just generic horseshittiness. Hopefully new job will pay me what I'm worth, but I'm a bit skeptical about that. Texas $ is a bit of a joke. Oh well. I'll settle for a job that doesn't make me cry every day and figure out how to pay off my $15k debt. "I'm smart, not like everybody says. Like dumb!!!" ;P

So yeah. Texas, three years. I need you bring your A Game this year and I'll bring mine and hopefully I'll have a much, much happier Four Year Austinverary Report. :)

IFC Is Here: You'd Better Get Down

(Back story: I'm trying to write a screenplay on a heist gone wrong)

I love my dreams -SO MUCH. I dreamt last night (probably more this a.m. as I didn't sleep a lot last night) that a SWAT team of sorts descended on my quiet street. I was trying to see what their jackets read. FBI? No. ATF? No. CIA? No. IFC!!!

Some girl was passing by and asked me what was happening as they were about to break through the door of the guy two doors down.

Me, "Ohh, I'm trying to write a screenplay on a heist and they have come to help me with ideas."

Her, "Ohhhhh, that's really cool!!!"

Me, "Yeah!! Uhh, you might want to get down."

"I Love It When a Plan Comes Together" *Lights Cigar in Sexy, Self-Satisfied Fashion*

Last night was wonderful. As one person said "I feel like I'm at an adult dinner party" to which I squealed like 5 year old who had decades of planning finally come together. It was like Fate organized the dinner (because I sure didn't/I'll be a bit more proactive next time). I made the Apple/Walnut/Gorgonzola Crostini, except I didn't. I did apples, walnuts, and bleu cheese and I forgot sage/garlic but NO ONE was complaining. In fact, I got all the praise my "PLEASE LOVE ME" inner child needed.

Then we had a gorgeous salad that E. brought and I will be having for lunch today. Thanks, E.!!!

Next we had T. bringing it with the olives and assorted rustic breads and olive oil. That may or may not have been attacked after the last guest left (it's the former). Thanks, T.!!!

Then we had L. double bring it. #1 WINE. E & I were getting a bit parched so that was a delightful addition. You know how dinner parties can dehydrate you. Then she brought this delectable pasta dish that I wish I had saved more room for. (Filling up on bread, honestly, what a rookie move!!) Thanks, L.!!!

Next A. & J. arrived with wine (woot!) and this mega-awesome Mediterranean soup (which I also filled up on, but it was too good not to). It was like eating at my mother-in-law's except this was good. OHHHHH YES I DID!!!!!!! Thank you A. & J. and awesome meeting you, J.!!!

Last but NOT least, R. brought it with wine (my hero) and this amazing pasta dish that was a medley of awesomeness. I also wish I had more room to really savor this. Soooo tasty. Thanks, R.!!!

So that was the food. So delicious. It was incredible how we ended up with a perfectly balanced table. I guess my friends and I all share a deep, psychic, food bond. :)

I loved the evening so much and can't wait till Oscar Night (Feb 27) when we do it all again.

<3

Note: Peppard is SO the original Hannibal, but Neeson looks so damn sexy in this pic I had to go with this one. Plus I liked the new "A-Team" movie. I don't know why everyone was bagging on it.