I made a "crime spree" mix this weekend and it's awesome. I don't want to get out of the car even when I get home. As I was driving to work this morning, I was listening to "The Dangerous Type" and I had a pretty big epiphany about myself. It occurred to me that I used to (prior to the Austin move) consort with a nefarious bunch. That's not news, but what is is that I held myself apart as if I was better than them. I really thought I was. The main person of this past association used to accuse me of that. I would of course deny it whenever he'd say that. He was right though. I did think I was better than him. Every one thought I was better than him. I'm no longer so sure. He was at least straight up about being what he was. For the most part, I mean he was a dirt bag in other respects. I notice that I miss the excitement of Florida associations. Life was NEVER dull, or at least it wasn't for long. Now live is very, very sedate. People tease me that I'm in the WPP. I feel like I am at times. My blue (boring) heaven. I guess that's why EVERY story that I start writing in my head is about a woman involved in some crime or another, or on the run. I have no other stories in my head. Nothing fun and life affirming. I guess that's fine for now, but I'm thinking I need to shift from this somehow. Perhaps acknowledging that it was not all him/them is a step. I don't know. We shall see.
I finally found (alright, I knew where it was) my jump rope and started with it tonight. My goal is to get good at it. I mean really good. Like Rocky-good. Okay, even a 1/10 as good as Rocky would make me happy. At first I kept getting tripped up by my hair. It would catch on the rope. Guess it's longer than I realized. Once I put my hair up I was getting stuck around 10 jumps. I finally worked up to 27. So I think I did a good 100 or so tonight, given all my stops and starts. I thoroughly freaked out Zoe. She'll have to get used to it, because I enjoyed it and look forward to getting better and better. Wonder if I'll be in pain tomorrow. Jumping is not something I do frequently.
(I'm high5'ing myself on the photo find for today.)
I just laughed SO hard, picturing myself doing this...
This weekend has been very cathartic on several levels. Believe it or not, I got the most enlightenment from a couple of chick flicks. I'm as shocked as you are.
It started last night with "Leap Year". It was a good reminder to me of how much I used to be like Amy Adams' character. Going to epic lengths to make something that was not really working or worthy of her - "work". Then tonight with "Love Happens". This time I was more like the male lead. Aaron Eckhardt (who I still say is Thomas Jane, seriously, have they ever been seen in the same room as one another?), was a self-help guru who was himself the most in need of help. Someone said the "You can't move forward..." line in the film and that really hit me hard. In a good way.
I have such a hopeful feeling. I think I mentioned that someone suggested to me that W & E's respective passings were perhaps another way of breaking ties with my past. I think he was right. I thought I'd be 50 shades of weepy this weekend and I'm not. Yes, I miss my babies, because they were my babies and could well be my only babies. You know. Tick tock. But I feel they are together now and that I'm freed up to change my life in the way that it's steadily evolving. Changes are clearly coming. I don't know what that means, but it feels good. I have a very hopeful feeling that I have not had in quite sometime.
This version of "Every Day" was on "Love Happens". I love what these kids did with it in their video. So awesome. I hope they go far.
Today marked the 872nd viewing of "The Godfather". No wait. I think I've seen it even more than that. I think this was the first time I saw it without some man pre-quoting every line (that I already pre-quote in my own head). So that was nice.
I have been church hunting this evening. Some of my friends are probably requiring CPR right about now. I know. I never thought I'd go back either. It's not your "normal" church though. These are open and accepting of all (so not like any church I went to as a kid). I just feel the need to be around others who are on a spiritual quest as well. I think I found the one I want to go to. They have a thing called "Mastermind Connection". I am VERY intrigued by this. Here's the link http://www.unityhills.org/programs/groups/master-mind.htm then click on the "seven steps" for details on it. Pretty cool!!!
Between "The Godfather", good Greek food, cool "Top Gear" episodes, and now Mastermind I'm declaring today a very good day.
Oh my God, I'm so excited to ruin this film for you. I don't know why this film affects me the way that it does, but it DOES affect me. I love every thing about it. The story. The cinematography (won the Oscar). The score (Morricone is GOD and should have won the Oscar {it was nominated}). EVERY THING!!!
I love searching online and reading about all the behind the scenes drama surrounding it. How it took forever to get made. How the scene in which a character dies and you see him fall in the water was actually shot in Sissy Spacek's (who was not even in the movie) living room in a large aquarium. How Gere did "Days..." and then went to do "Looking for Mr. Goodbar" and that movie was shot and released whilst Malick was still editing "Days...". I love it!!!
Here's where I will ruin the film for you, so stop now if you want to see it: No? Okay. Here we go.
Gere was a Chicago factory work who quarreled with his boss and struck and killed him. So his little sister and girlfriend (Brook Adams) head down to Texas (is this were I got the idea to run to TX?). They take work on a farm owned by Shepherd's character. Gere and Adams pretend to be siblings so as not to cause scandal. Gere overhears Shepherd speaking with his doctor and learns that he has a year to live. Gere decided Adams should marry him and they will get the fortune when he dies. (Shepherd is "the richest man in the Texas panhandle). So they marry and the guy DOESN'T DIE!!! Over time Shepherd picks up on what EVERY ONE else notices at first glance, that Gere/Adams are a couple and he goes after Gere. Gere kills Shepherd. Shepherd's right hand man (who has had his eye on Gere the whole time) goes after Gere and Gere is killed (he's the one that was in Spacek's aquarium.
So it's a really simple story, but it's so compelling - to me anyway. I love the looks of the film. It's set in the TX panhandle, but filmed in Canada. I love the lack of dialogue. There is far too much talking in a lot of films. This one is sparse on the chit chat. Good. Morricone's score is breathtaking as always. I'm a BIG Morricone fan.
If this film is on (it was last night), I have to watch it. Like I said. I don't know why it affects me so, but it does.
I've been doing a lot of reading, reflecting, and visioning in regards to love. I am seeing more and more that I'm surrounded by love as opposed to it being this elusive prey that I have been forever hunting. This makes me very happy. I still wonder though if there will be "The One" for me. I know there will be "the next one", but "THEE ONE". Does he exist?
I was reading today "...boredom and monotony do not exist in real love...". That really got me to thinking. Was what I once truly thought was real love even real love? I was really never that bored as I NEVER knew what I was going to get with the former object of my affections. He was volatile to say the least. Still was that real love? I don't know. I hope that someday I experience a love that will answer that question for me. That it will be so magnificent and completely different from Husband #1 that there will be no doubt in my mind what real love is.
but my feet show it because they are Longfellows. : P
I'm awakened by a sentence.
"Your compassion (uncommon kindness) lays siege to the walls guarding (around) my wounded (broken) heart."
I got up and wrote the sentence minus the parts in parentheses and then I've been mulling changing it to the parts in parentheses. I'm sure you got that without me saying that, but I'm exhausted and feel I need to overly explain myself.
I was thinking of one person in particular. I want to write a poem for someone, but then I reflected yesterday on how wonderful the people in my life are. Most I know in person. Some I don't. Some I hope to get to know better, but all so kind, caring, and supportive. I know if I truly needed help they would be there for me.
The loss of my boys, especially Wicked, tore open a massive wound of the past and left me extremely vulnerable. Not to worry though. It finally does not feel dangerous to feel vulnerable. Okay, it feels LESS dangerous. I still have the need to protect myself. Hard to unlearn defense mechanisms that served me so very well in my past life. I'm trying though.
I don't want to be cut off from people who care about me and I them. I sent out a text message to a handful of people who for one reason or several mean a lot to me. It was so awesome the responses I got back. Made me think, "Why wait till Thanksgiving to tell those you care about that you are thankful for them?" I'm going to practice gratitude far more. I've taken some hard hits the last few years and have lost sight of the fact that I truly am blessed still. I just have not been blessed in the way I thought I would be so it looked off or wrong to me. It kind of reminds me of that line from "Stop and Stare". "You'd give anything if it was fair, but fair ain't what you really need." I think I get that now.
So, Dear Reader, allow me to tell you that I'm thankful for you too. I wish I could know who you all are. I know you are scattered far and wide. Brazil, Russia, Denmark, S. Korea, France, Italy, Germany, Lithuania, and of course the US and these are just a few places that I consistently see on the stats. I wonder about you. Who are you? What do you do? What are you going through? I don't know exactly what keeps 30-60'ish people coming back day after day, but I thank you. This blog has been soooo helpful to me. There is something freeing about writing and knowing that someone out there is reading it.
Well, I think I'll leave you with a little Oingo Boingo to show you my "Gratitude".
Okay, 2nd because I did find it and I still can't track down Freddie Filter's "Pistol Whipped" a remix of Sex Pistol's "Anarchy in the UK". So 2nd hardest. I'd still love to download it but whatever. I at least have youtube. I'm dying of suspense. Will the embedding be disabled when I go to post this????
This is a very intense time of year for me. Three years ago I came to Austin to scout it out (before formally departing 2 months later), but truthfully it could have been any place. I was frantically trying to escape my old life and run to something better. I have been hit hard by the loss of my boys in the last few weeks, but as my Guru pointed out, maybe it's another part of letting go of my old life. Also as my good friend pointed out today, "SO much has happened in this time!!!"
As I was getting ready to leave, I cannot tell you how often I played this song. Over and over and over and over again. I was so psyching myself up for the move. I still marvel at how I did it. The hold the old life had on me. How did I do it? My grandmother says, "You were driven, I've never seen anything like it." I'd be surprised if the drive from Orlando to Austin has ever been done that quickly and with only one bathroom break. I was definitely driven.
So as I shed two very strong ties to the past, I can't help but wonder - "What does the future hold?" I think some really amazing things.
I went out walking Through streets paved with gold Lifted some stones Saw the skin and bones Of a city without a soul I went out walking Under an atomic sky Where the ground won't turn And the rain it burns Like the tears when I said goodbye Yeah I went with nothing Nothing but the thought of you I went wandering
I went drifting Through the capitals of tin Where men can't walk Or freely talk And sons turn their fathers in I stopped outside a church house Where the citizens like to sit They say they want the kingdom But they don't want God in it
I went out riding Down that old eight lane I passed by a thousand signs Looking for my own name
I went with nothing But the thought you'd be there too Looking for you
I went out there In search of experience To taste and to touch And to feel as much As a man can Before he repents
I went out searching Looking for one good man A spirit who would not bend or break Who would sit at his father's right hand I went out walking With a bible and a gun The word of God lay heavy on my heart I was sure I was the one Now Jesus, don't you wait up Jesus, I'll be home soon Yeah I went out for the papers Told her I'd be back by noon
Yeah I left with nothing But the thought you'd be there too Looking for you
Yeah I left with nothing Nothing but the thought of you I went wandering
Four weeks to the day, Evil died in my arms just as his brother did. Man, he FOUGHT it though. He really did. That was rough. So odd to have someone who means the world to you die with their heart next to yours. Then to have that happen exactly 4 wks later - surreal. He's lying on the futon now, just as Wicked was. I have the call in to the vet to come get him. Doing the first round of what I anticipate will be an absolutely epic laundry day. Nothing helps me when all hope is gone quite like cleaning. It's only been an hr and 1/2 ago so I know I'm in shock. Right now I just feel dead inside.
I think I'm going to start listing all my furniture for sale. With rapidly shifting from 3 cats down to 1, I feel the need to downsize and get ready to make a move. Don't know if I will or not, but THEE two obstacles to me picking up and leaving are now gone.
We'll see. I did say I'd give it 5 years, but as this weekend marks the anniversary of my trip out here to scout this place out, I can't help but reflect on the INSANE amount of shit that has gone wrong. I know that's just the grief talking, but it is talking LOUDLY to me. I wonder what would have happened if I had never come here.
Why else would I be losing both boys within 4 wks of one another. I truly thought that Evil died in my arms last night, but he didn't. Somehow he soldiered through. The vet was here this morning. She's not 100% sure what his deal is, but it does seem similar to Wicked and we know how that ended. I find it eerie that it was 4 wks ago today that she was here for Wicked. I'm about 90% convinced that Evil will die too. I'm trying to be optimistic, but it's hard. He is having a hard time breathing and he keeps crying for me or whenever he moves. I don't know what will happening, but positive vibes are greatly appreciated. If it's his time then it's his time. I always said that if Wicked went first that Evil would not be far behind. I just didn't know it would be so soon. Last night when I was convinced I was losing him I kept telling him it was okay for him to go play with his brother. He's a fighter though. Maybe he will pull through. But will I? I can't fucking take much more and I am not exaggerating. I'm about done.
BIG thanks to all who have reached out to me. I'm fine. I promise. Just a lot of things are no longer working for me and I have to sort out what I'm going to do about that. I find this fitting given that next week marks the 3 yr anniversary from my growing the balls to go check out a town I had never been in before and then deciding that 2 months later I would pack up all I owned and move there not really knowing anyone here.
I have searched high and low trying to find my purpose and really to find myself. I'm absolutely exhausted. So I am giving myself permission to drop out and restructure and resurrect something from these ashes. I have a feeling something HUGE is going to come from this. The epic amount of pain I'm in surely will give rise to something amazing. It fuckin' A, better!!!!
I did something very, very, very, very hard for me tonight, but I feel it's necessary. I dropped out of the course I am in. I'm so overwhelmed with everything happening right now that I feel like I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. My heart has hurt since yesterday (happens when I'm ROYALLY stressed out).
Next step. Extricate myself from the really big problem.
If I could walk away from the love of my life who I was with my whole adult life, I can truly walk away from anything. I was just trying to stick things out. It's not even a relationship so it should be no sweat. Yet it kind of is. But I really am miserable. I see that now/again.
I listen to this song (Potlach's "Sleep at the Swamp") over and over and over when I'm supremely stressing. Helps every time.
Well I sure do anyway. I had yet another massive punch to the gut regarding something that I'm trying to make work, but JUST IS NOT WORKING.
I even went to a psychic today about it, but I had no cash on me and she didn't take a credit card. She asked if I wanted to go to an ATM. I said, "No. It's a sign that it's not meant to be."
So it's that time of year again where I stress out over my own little personal game of one-up-manship in the gift giving department. I usually BRING it with the gift giving and hear about it all year how much whatever I got was THEE perfect thing so the pressure is always on to top myself. I love when I can turn to a single place for everyone's gift, but that's not always possible. This year for CB's gifts it's CB (I'm CB, well I was when I had my maiden name). I think last year was Pottery Barn. I seem to alternate each year. Some gifts I'll have to go elsewhere if there is a particular something I need for someone. So far I have found 11 gifts so that's a huge load off. I really marvel out how I can make "fun" stressful, but I sure can.
There is a woman on PBS right now, who looks like an elf. Seriously. She really does.
Speaking of elves, zombies, yeah, that wasn't smooth. Anyway, not a fan. Don't get the zombie hype, but I'm trying to get into "The Walking Dead" since Frank Darabont is making it and AMC has done well by me with "Mad Men" and "Breaking Bad". I'm not sure if I'm going to like it though. I did like this song at the end of episode one though. :)
That's when my STUPID eHarm subscription finally runs out. I'm glad I did it. It serves as yet another reminder that I know what works for me, and just because a lot of other people dig it doesn't mean it's going to work for me. I find I get annoyed every time someone tries to talk to me. It all seems so fake. Everyone saying what they ought to say with a bunch of photos showing that they are well-off, well-traveled, and / or "out-doorsey". My eyes are tired from rolling.
Never again. And I swear to God, if the eharmonazi who posted an advert for the site the last time I wrote about it appears again, I'm going freak the fuck out on you. It's my opinion. I need in person chemistry to be interested in someone not online "chemistry".
Lots to talk about, Folks. Lots and lots. I'll try to keep to the highlights of what's been traipsing about my brain.
First and foremost, I'm in like Flynn with the Introduction Leaders Program!!! Now I'm just stressing about the travel involved. Who will take care of my pets? How can I get to these places w/o breaking the bank? I trust these matters will all sort themselves out. Meanwhile I'm a wee bit nauseous from worrying about it. Just a wee bit.
Dream life has been very lively lately. Very lively indeed. I told a friend about a few of the dreams as they all pertain to one person and she loved this part - the guy was having a hard time and asked if he could come over. I said of course and asked if he needed anything. He answered "Just candles and wine." That was pretty awesome. I really love the dialogue in my dreams sometimes.
I keep having visuals and more than that SENSATIONS about a house. I see parts of it so clearly and I see myself there with a family. It has a very heavy almost Medieval feeling, but the house is in no way oppressive. Quite the contrary, it feels like home. I was trying to find photos on line to represent what I'm seeing in my mind, but no luck so far. The pic I'm posting is by Arturo Montanelli. This house overlooks Lake Como. Rough, huh? I saw this picture and almost came (all the photos of it were spectacular). However, not at all the house in my vision. My house looks very similar to one house in particular in Orlando, but it's not that house. Just resembles it. I'll find it, damn it, I'll find it!!!!
This weekend went by crazy fast, but it was a good one. Ready for the week ahead. Now to go make my NY strip and settle in with "Boardwalk Empire". The perfect ending to any weeekend.
I dig, dig, dig, dig, DIG the title of this song. Why can't all song titles be this cool?
Soooo digging this song. If you wonder where I get all the songs I post (pretend you were wondering) it's either from the end credits of a lot of my favorite shows (usually HBO/Showtime's original programming) or commercials (I'll be posting one from the latest Buick commercial that is in my head in the next day or two) or I stumble upon them when I change the songs on my playlist to the right. That is the case with this one. I was looking up Lindstrom's songs as I was listening to him on Rhapsody all day at the office and then I switched to MSTRKRFT. I soooo dig this remix of theirs.
Should I place a bet as to whether or not the embedding has been disabled? I never know until I post the damn thing. :)
I feel love. Really feel it. All around me. Love toward the people I see at the post office. In the car at the traffic light next to me. In the eyes of those faces I see every day. It's palpable yet I never felt it before. I never saw. I wanted to see. At times the veil would lift briefly and I'd catch a glimpse. Then it would fall again and I'd descend into my personal darkness.
But something has shifted. Profoundly shifted. The girl who so hated people. Was so terrified of all, but a few who proved their worth, is now transformed. and for the first time, she feels love...
My best friend has frequently told me that I should watch "Flipping Out". It's show about this HOT (of course he's gay) guy who is massively gifted at refurbishing homes and then selling them. She said that I would love his personality. Do I EVER. I sooooo get him. He hasn't done one thing yet that I think is out of line. He is eccentric, yes. The guy is brilliant though. I can't stand all the nit-wits around him, but he seems to love them. Love is blind, because these fools need to be kicked to the very posh curbs that his properties are on.
He is so my new favorite thing. His eye for detail. His stress-outs. His love for his pets. His heat. Yeah. I dig this 'crazy' dude.
Speaking of "Crazy". I'll go crazy if the embedding is disabled.
Tonight's class was AWESOME. I got up and shared about my breakthrough aka "the miracle". That's what our class leader called it. It does feel like a miracle and tonight just now, Grandmother called it that as well. :)
I had an orientation for the Introduction Leadership Program. Whoa. No wait. BIG WHOA. It will start March 4 and go to Oct 14. I'll have to go back to Florida, leave it to Landmark to force me back home. They will also force me to Atlanta and Houston. Not super-psyched about that, but I'll just have to get over that. So it's March in Lauderdale, May in Atlanta, June in Houston, and July back in Lauderdale with about a zillion trips to somewhere between here and San Antonio almost every week. What I'll be getting out of it all is going to be HUGE. So huge. I will need to reference this post in Jun when I'm sick of it and want to quit.
I had to submit an application so I'm not "in" yet. I have an interview on Saturday. Wish me luck!!!
I woke up all excited today. I will learn about perhaps the next step for me with Landmark tonight. It's a 6 month program (which I do find a bit daunting) and you have to be interviewed to even get into it. I don't think tonight's the interview. I think it's just an informative sort of meeting. I'll be glad to know what all it entails. Our class leader made it seem INNNNNTENSE. Well I seem to struggle with just the normal stuff so I'm a bit trepidatious about it. Anyway, I'll know better after tonight. I'm stalled with my application form. I need to get that done today!!!
I'm apparently so excited I just spilled coffee all over my desk. Oh well. It will smell like Maple/Pecan Coffee now. So that's a win!!! I remember when I spilled an entire cup of coffee over my Blackberry (yeah, STILL works). It smelled like coffee and made me want coffee for over a month.
Today's song I heard on Stewert/Colbert's Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear.
I really loved it. "Open up this is a raid..." GREATNESS :)
I got some invaluable coaching last night from the leader of my Self Expression & Leadership Program. It was HUGE actually. Still processing it all as it took away a major burden that I've been carrying for a good 17 years now. In lieu of carrying around my horrible burden, I created the possibility for myself and my life of BEING INSPIRING!!! I love it. So look out. I'm going to inspire you. Perhaps not tonight though as I'm really quite exhausted. :)
As if the afore mentioned awesome wasn't enough she also told me to stop stressing out about what it is I'm supposed to be doing. She told me to "listen" and I'll know it when I find it.
Then this morning, I rediscovered one of my favorite songs on a cd I made 4 yrs ago that I happened to have put in my car on Saturday.
Ecoute :) (it means "listen" in French- see THREE years of it in college and abroad paid off!!!)
Listen to the rhythm, listen to the rhyme Listen to the clock tick tock the hands of time Ticking, tocking, constantly revolving Listen to the problems of the world who need solving Listen to the child crying in the crib And listen to the sick act that the Daddy did See Daddy turned his back on all of his responsibilities Listen how Mummy copes to the best of her abilities Listen to the cliche rapper that's braggin Listen to the mother who is always nagging Her son to get up and do something with his life Listen to the vows when ya marrying ya wife Listen to the scream of a mother giving birth Listen to the sorrows of our Mother Earth Listen to the beggarman begging in the street Please can you spare some change so i can get some food to eat Listen to the plight of the homeless And if you listen to the pessimists everything's hopeless Listen to your heart, listen to your soul Listen to your conscience, let it take control And just listen
Listen, Listen, Listen.
coute la palombe, paisible dans le ciel coute aussi la balle qui lui dchire les ailes Qui est l'animal, l'oiseau ou le tireur Ou celui qui vend l'arme, qui lui dchire le cœur coute le dernier 'pff' d'un soldat inconnu coute tomber les larmes d'une femme que l'on fait cocu coute le consensus dans son entourage Il tait consciencieux quelle force et quel courage coute plutt le 'bzz' des ailes de l'abeille, l'essentiel est le miel coute aussi le 'pshit' que fait l'insecticide Comme dans le monde actuel elle a choisi le gnocide LePen trane sa haine malsaine coute plutt ton cœur pas la flamme de la haine coute plutt le Bon, pas la brute ou le truand
coute ce qui apaise, coute moi ce son
Ecoute, Ecoute, Ecoute. Listen to the fascists looking for your vote Listen how he gets some with a scapegoat He sees your tears and plays on your fears Till his promises become music to your ears
coute le clic-clac d'une paire de menottes Le systme est malade mais est-ce bien l'antidote ? coute la sirne qui file dans le domaine, la haine est la mme, mme dans ce domaine
Listen to the horrors my people saw Listen to the politics of the gulf war Place all the blame and name Hussein insane Listen how he said two can play the same game
coute le chant du coq, le solfge il s'en moque coute le chantage des rois du bavardage coute le tonnerre, prs vert, guerre la guerre coute le croyant quand il fait sa prire.
Way over there where the wind come from I swear i thought i was the only one Each time i stop to get air well i'm still over there
The silhouette kid's swinging on a swing Scrapes his knee and blooded brains He shows his friends he's alive as he brags and he jives Hey. He's alright. Yeah
They say makin up for lost time Ain't makin up for much at all Sometimes i think gettin older's oh so last year, yeah
But other times i grab the bull by the horns Rip em off with calloused hands Sometimes you cry like a child still get up in the mornin I was a geezer just last night Watchin TV no not understandin anything I scrape my face on the clouds every time i get out But that's day time
Some people they use up all their cash Records and such just sit around but i don't care about that People say i'm to blame i guess i think it's a shame Oh, but I don't care. Yeah
Wow. Had a great coaching call tonight. It was revealed that all my sudden "I need to go move to Africa and use my life to make a difference there" is an attempt to atone for things I did in my past. I didn't see how oppressively this was all weighing on me, but it definitely is. I even have taken Wicked's death as yet another punishment for my sins of the past. I wish I could talk about what these things are, but I cannot.
Needless to say, there far more work to be done on me.
This song sums up how I feel. Not so much the video, although I love it, but the song for sure.
When there's nowhere else to run Is there room for one more son One more son If you can hold on If you can hold on, hold on I wanna stand up, I wanna let go You know, you know - no you don't, you don't I wanna shine on in the hearts of men I want a meaning from the back of my broken hand
Another head aches, another heart breaks I am so much older than I can take And my affection, well it comes and goes I need direction to perfection, no no no no
Help me out Yeah, you know you got to help me out Yeah, oh don't you put me on the blackburner You know you got to help me out
And when there's nowhere else to run Is there room for one more son These changes ain't changing me The cold-hearted boy I used to be
Yeah, you know you got to help me out Yeah, oh don't you put me on the blackburner You know you got to help me out You're gonna bring yourself down Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier I got soul, but I'm not a soldier ...
Yeah, you know you got to help me out Yeah, oh don't you put me on the blackburner You know you got to help me out You're gonna bring yourself down You're gonna bring yourself down Yeah, oh don't you put me on the blackburner Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down
Over and out, last call for sin While everyone's lost, the battle is won With all these things that I've done All these things that I've done If you can hold on If you can hold on
Great day today!!! Had the first meeting of Wordsmith Syndicate. WOW. Six of us met and we are all so different. In an awesome way. Everyone has a very impressive background. I'm excited and yes, intimidated. But this is what I wanted -- I think. I'm kidding. It is. I can tell I'm going to be challenged. That's exactly what I need though.
Our next meeting is December 4th. I kinda feel like I've put together something rather awesome. :)
I rediscovered this song today that I used to play all the time to psyche myself up. I used to almost indoctrinate myself with it. Maybe not watch the video. I dig Placebo's music, but I don't need to look at the same images 20 times over.
Is embroidered in gold lettering on the red velvet bag that Wicked's urn was delivered in. I walked in to it sitting right on the bureau, I have by the front door (where I asked my vet to leave it for me). I read that and dissolved. Full on, hyperventilating, heaving, hysterical weeping. I swear I thought I was fine. I didn't know what was in the tube that was in the bag. I didn't know if was part of him or what. I set that aside. There is just a plain, plain, plain wooden box. A pale wood. I don't really like it, but come on. What would I like right now? I just clutched him to my heart and curled up on the sofa in the fetal position and wept and wept and wept. Zoe came up and started licking my tears. I just laid there. Then I finally sat up and just sat, still clutching him to my heart (that was were he died) and stared out the window. I finally pulled myself together enough to see what was in the tube. A certificate that "Wicked" Sidhom was cremated on Nov 1st. Funny, I think that was when I dreamt that they cremated him when he was still alive. Also in there a poem "Rainbow Bridge". Perhaps you have read it. I never had. I called Grandmother and in between sobbing breaths read it to her while she sobbed. I don't know if you have lost a pet, but if you have I hope this makes you feel better too. I don't know what I believe about the afterlife anymore. I really don't. I did; however take comfort in this.
I love you, Wicked. <3
Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge. When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.
All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor. Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind. They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.
You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.
I just booked a pedicure at Mecca for this Saturday. I'm reading through their menu and they offer Shirodhara. I wish I wasn't so booked up on Saturday, or I'd have thrown that in too. (It's an Ayurveda practice of pouring warm oil over your forehead/3rd eye). I'll try to book it in the next couple weeks so I can write about it.
If you are feeling less than stellar, play this. I don't care what you're doing, mowing, laundry, taxes. You WILL feel invincible, and possibly like people are lurking in the shadows.
I like the original, but Moby's remix really brings it. My favorite part is from 2:18-2:37. It's all ethereal and then back to balls-to-the-walls, bring-it-mother-fucker cause I'm READY!!!
So pop in your earbuds and prepare to feel AWESOME!!!!! (I can't wait for MI:4!!!!)
Oh my god, was tonight's Landmark class EPIC!!!! I am so fucking pumped!!! It was all about making unreasonable requests. Ohhh, I so intend to!!
Also our leader was describing how she is and it was me to a T. She was describing a breakthrough she had and I totally got it too from what she shared. I feel completely awesome and freed. ROCK!!!!!
Also I have an appt to tour the acupuncture school that is to the North of me a week from this Saturday. EXCITED!!!!
Oh my god, I'm so motivated I could paint the house or something. I just want to DOOOOO something right now. So I'm doing laundry. Hey. It's something.
My thoughts are scattered tonight. At 10:30 it will be a week since Wicked died in my arms. That so weirds me out. I've seen plenty of dead people/animals. Just never been there for the moment of passing. His heart beat against mine and then it didn't. He was laying on my chest and I was breathing so hard because I was fucking hysterical so I thought that he was breathing too. I had to hold my breath to see that he had stopped breathing. I was screaming and pleading with I don't even know what, I guess with him to not leave me. I just remember I kept yelling, "No, no, no!!! Please, please, please!!!" Over and over and over. I can't stop replaying that image in my mind.
Evil is not bouncing back from this. I have to coax him out of hiding/moping/crying. It's killing me. He's way worse tonight. Like he knows it was a week ago. He's currently sitting where it happened. Zoe is faring better. I think it helps that Evil resembles Wicked. I know it helps me. I keep closing my eyes and pretending he's him. I even keep calling him Wiki. I NEVER mixed up the two before.
In other news, I'm researching the two acupuncture schools in town. I'm about equidistance from both. One is North and the other South. I have to see if it would be feasible to do while still working full-time and acquiring a good $50k of debt. I desperately want a change, and think this could well be it. Every time I see Peggy (my acupuncturist) I'm so fascinated by what she does. I see how much she helps me and I think it would rock to have a job that made people feel good. It would be the polar opposite of my current job. We'll see what comes of this.
I thought I had something funny to share, but I can't think of it now.
For tonight's song, I will let Mr. Williams serenade you. I have played this song about 50 times in the last couple weeks. Fingers crossed that embedding isn't disabled.
son of a bitch http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lh0-eAVakQY
I say that a lot, so I really loved this pic a friend sent me today.
I'm in a mood start something today. Mischief of course. I'm so bored by my "new life". Soooooo bored. I know it's safer than my old life, but it's so sedate. So very, very, very sedate. I almost nodded off as I wrote this.
I'm really considering leaving Texas. When I almost stroked out over putting Texas plates on the new car (which I didn't do), I knew. My least portable cat is gone and therefore so is one of the largest obstacles to picking up and going.
I won't go yet. I vowed to give Texas 5 years. Well it's got 2 more years. Right now there is only one thing/person who could make me stay. That 'reason' would be worth staying in a trailer park in (fill in the shitty place) for.
Are you enjoying my little emotional-hell of a roller coaster? Who would have thought a cat was the lynch pin to my sanity?
"Buy me drink. Sing me a song. Take me as I come, because I can't stay long."
