Where Are You, Jeff?

I stand alone in thinking that Jeff Goldblum would be the ultimate sidekick for me, but I'm used to standing alone. I'd not have to stand alone if Jeff were here. I envision us attempting various activities that I would more than likely suck at, thus creating a heightened level of stress for me. As anyone who has seen me at a heightened level of stress (I mean for real, not at a job where I have to pretend to be civil) it can be quite entertaining. Now imagine me going through that WITH JEFF!!!

The awesomeness of this idea will probably be lost on anyone who doesn't truly know me, but if you do you have to admit if we had a reality show -- You'd watch.

Love This Pic

Still nothing to say, but I love this photo so much I had to post it. It is by "Miks" it's called "Small Girl in a Big World".


****ooooohhhh, this was my 250th post. didn't realize that till after the fact. whooo hoooo

Penny For Your Thoughts

I'm going to need a lot more than that to open up tonight. A lot more.


(Pic is from Irene Suchoki's Flikr)

I Can't Give It Up ; P

'A Perfect World'

I love that movie. It came out when I was 18, and I remember going to the theatre at least three times to see it. I did that a lot in my late teens early 20's. I've always loved going to the theatre alone. I get to be with my favorite thing (cinema) without anyone distracting me (I'm great at tuning out strangers).

Anyway, "A Perfect World". Well first of all if you hear me say 'horseshit' a lot, I got it from Laura Dern's character Sally Gerber who's a criminologist. She's dealing with Eastwood's character a Texas Ranger and this is set in '60's Texas so he's uber good ol' boy how can you have a vagina and actually think for yourself? mentality and she's --- wait for it --- a capable woman. Yeah, so if you see the "horseshit" scene that's were I took up saying it myself.

It's actually the car is a time machine scene that got me to thinking about the film this a.m. Butch (Costner) tells adorable little hostage dude (who Costner is TOTALLY cool to, they develop a great bond) that the car is a time machine. In the rear view mirror is the past, you in the car is the present, and out there in front of you is the future. So he makes the analogy that if anything from the past is bothering you, just press down harder on the accelerator and you'll get to the future faster. (I'm paraphrasing, it's been years since I saw the film). Well I've pretty much lived my life with this line of thinking. I've been so future focused out of a desperate need to leave my past behind.

I'm trying to be more in the now.

(Note: You should see "A Perfect World" if you haven't. It's a great film)

Bob Newhart

To say I love Bob Newhart is an understatement. When I was a kid and we were in the States, I HAD to watch "The Bob Newhart Show" at 10:30pm every night or I could not sleep. Seriously. I used to have panic attacks if I didn't see it. I had panic attacks a lot, but they were usually at night and Bob would make it all better. I wanted to grow up to be Suzanne Pleshette. (I also wanted to grow up to be Laurie Petrie, not Mary Richards, Laurie Petrie I'll write about this another night). My grandfather's PhD is in Psychology and between him and Bob I wanted to be a Psychologist when I grew up (right after I became an Archeologist).

I got to thinking about all this because of therapy today. It was another marvelous session. There is something I was feeling guilty about and she totally helped to assuage any guilty feelings I had. It's so great to have an outsider to talk to. I feel that my confidants feel pressure to tell me what they know I want to hear. I mean don't most of us? When any one asks you something, it's so hard to not tell them what you know they want to hear. I'm trying to be more honest when I'm asked my opinion on things, but I'm afraid I'm coming off as callous now. Anyway, back to my therapist and me. She's so great. I feel really safe with her, and that was unexpected. I kind of expected a lot of "what do you think that means?" "do you think it's important?" sort of drivel and it's nothing like it. Every session I leave feeling like the issues I walked in with are put to rest. It's monumental for me.

I feel like I'm going to make a lot of progress over the next few years now that all my smoke and mirrors are disappearing.

How great is that?

I Blame "Damages"

So I've been pretty much alcohol free as of late. That's rather unusual for me, but just sort of naturally has evolved. I guess it felt cliche "the writer with a drinking problem". Not that I necessarily had a drinking problem. Well my in-laws thought I did, but funny how as soon as I left THEIR offspring the "drinking problem" pretty much sorted itself out. Well I've been back-to-back watching "Damages" and Ellen Parsons has a glass of scotch in her hands in at least 47% of her scenes. Well, hell, Ellen. We slightly resemble one another (you know how all brown-eyed brunettes look alike), and it was very easy to switch you out with me and Voila!!! here I sit with a glass of 18 yr old scotch. My liver thanks you.

As I stood in line at Wiggy's to get said scotch I was looking at rolling papers. The guy behind me queries, "what kinda weed you got?" Like I was a dealer. WTF?? Wish my car had been parked out front so he could have seen me get in it. (i have the same car as undercover cops and Feds) Ohhh, for the record, I was looking because I smoke LEGAL things. My job drug tests. Trust me. The second I don't work somewhere that does, you'll have to pry me off the goddamned ceiling I'll be so fucking high. Until then, I have my legal "highs" (they SO aren't the same thing, but whatever).

I have therapy tomorrow. Good thing, right, with all that I've just written. I don't know what to talk about tomorrow. I feel REALLY sorted out on so many things that were SO not sorted. I'm really getting my act together were it was not remotely together. I have a 2 yr plan in place for a couple goals and I feel pretty fucking awesome. I mean there are a few things gnawing at me, but I don't think I'd be Carla if there weren't. Things could ALWAYS be better in my book. The day I'm fully content, I think will be the day that I die. There is always room for improvement.

Why is this post not funny? I had several funny thoughts today and with each one said "Ohhhh, that's what I'll blog about tonight". One was on the muppets. How I assign muppet characters to people I don't like. Maybe I'll write about that tomorrow. I was also going to write about my penchant for destruction. Maybe I'll write about that on Sunday. I was going to write about how I would be an AWESOME lesbian. Maybe I'll write about that on Monday. Maybe I won't. Who knows?

Goddamn it this is GOOD scotch!!!

The Bomb Burger

My culinary confidence is high. I'm almost cocky about some things I do. I, however, was not cocky about my burger making ability. That was my ex-husband's domain and before that my father's. So I've decided to change that. I've been working on my burger skills. I'm improving!!! Mine don't look like the photo posted, but I don't like a ton distractions on my burger. Meat/Cheese/Ketchup/Mayo/Bun -DONE. I mean I will change it up here and there, but that's my favorite configuration. Tonight's burger was GOOOOOOOD!!!

Marry Me

Seriously. Someone marry me so I can do this. I really missed the mark the first time around. I had no idea the sheer comedic gold that my "special day" could have been. The only funny thing that happened at my wedding is I dropped the ring and we had to start over. Oh yeah, and he said swore to love and honor me. HA!!! Yeah, that joke was on me FO SHO.

Next time!!! Next time I'm getting a few funny photos out of it. Ohhh, and hopefully a wonderful man.

Unkle - Hold My Hand

Nothing like believing... : )

Change

I feel big changes occurring and more on the not so distant horizon for myself. So much has happened in the last few weeks. I mean SO SO SO much. I feel completely different yet oddly the same. I feel like the "fake it till I make it" Carla is now in place as the True Carla. Oohhhh, I like that!!!

The True Carla

I was talking to Grandmother tonight (as I do every night) and I was telling her that I think I want to talk about this in my therapy session on Saturday. I feel I'm ready to explore my purpose --- FINALLY. I've only been wondering about it for years. I was so wrapped up in my cuckoo that I couldn't focus on it. I wonder if it will just hit me like a bolt out of the blue?

I'm so curious. So excited. So not scared at all.

On My Top 10 Fave Soundtracks...

Is "In the Name of the Father". (I seem to love the soundtracks of most D Day-Lewis films)

This is one of my favorite songs on it

Bono & Gavin Friday - Billy Boola

I Believe It's Magic : P

A Picture's Worth a Thousand Words

So 14 pics in one should keep this post short(er)!!! I forgot where the hell I found this so I can't give credit where it's due, but I thought it was lovely and sort of summed up my spirits of late.

The migraines tend to send me into a depression spiral, but not so much this time around. Last year when I was suffering through the summer I hadn't met my little team of awesome caregivers that I have this time around. It's made all the difference in the world. I mean I still get freaked out by them because I never know when they are going to strike, but I can bring them under control better and with the exception of two, they have not been as severe this year. I'll be honest, last year I started to get a bit desperate and thinking desperate thoughts. I'm soooooo not a suicide person, but the thought of having to constantly live in the pain I was in last year caused the idea to ruminate a bit. DO NOT WORRY. That's not even a thought now, but I'm in a phenomenally better place now.

I can't remember if it was during my last acupuncture session (I think it was) or the last therapy session ( I know I had the thought last Saturday), but it really struck me at how I ended up in Austin, right where it turns out, I needed to be. Initially, I just needed to get the fuck out of Florida fast. It really didn't matter where I headed. The only reason it was Austin was the day that everything blew up in FL, the only person I knew here posted several photos of Barton Springs and other pretty Austin things and I was like "go check it out". I came here for the Thanksgiving weekend '07 and as I drove my rental car to the Driskill (where I stayed) I said "This'll do". I hardly left my hotel that whole weekend (it was FUCKING cold that year) everyone working at the hotel said it was uncommonly cold. Next thing I knew two months later I was on my way here.

I would periodically lament the decision to come here. I was so desperate to leave that I felt I really just reached for the first thing, which I did, but suddenly this year I've seen why I came. I've never encountered people like the ones who have helped me this year. They are uncommon, completely and totally uncommon. Together they have helped me do the very thing I came here for - change my life. On a deep level. My consciousness is shifting. Things I have struggled with all my life are suddenly no longer a struggle at all. Suddenly, everything is clearer.

All the dreams I had and cast aside are resurfacing. As I was driving today the thought struck me that I truly can do anything I want to now. There is no one to hold me back. Now that has technically been true ever since leaving FL, but it wasn't. I left that prison, but just transfered facilities. I stayed locked up in the prison in my heart and mind. So what will I do now that I've been freed? Well I'm working on two things at present, just sort of getting my ducks in a row. I don't know how quickly the wheels will turn, but I feel like my ambition is returning so they could well start turning very quickly.

ROCK!!!

FutureBabyMax's Future Is Looking Bleak

Okay, first let me say that this is NO JUDGEMENT on anyone who has kids at all. Why my parents had kids!!! So no need to get your back up about what I'm going to write. This is about me not you.

When I was 14 I KNEW I wanted to be a mother. Knew it. I knew I'd be the perfect mother and raise the perfect child or two. Fortunately (given how it all worked out), I married a child-hater. I'm kidding. He was/is wise enough to know he would not be a good father and that he didn't want kids. While that was hard on me at the time because I was so in love with him and wanted all that a marriage was supposed to be (the way I was raised), I was heartbroken.

As I have moved beyond that relationship body, heart, and soul, I have found the desire for children is almost nil. I don't feel anything warm and fuzzy when I see a baby. I get why their parents and others like them, I mean I'm not a robot. Just that spark that I used to feel and CLEARLY see other women feel is not there.

I get the feeling with most of the parents I see that they had NO idea what they signed up for. I know they'd all say they'd do it again, I mean hello, they're here now, you love them, they aren't all the burden some make them out to be, but as the outsider looking in, I think I'm inclined to pass.

The only way I can see me having FutureBabyMax at this point is if I found a SAINT of a husband and he's secure enough that I don't have to stress about every little thing. I really think that's the crux of it. The financial burden. When I'm feeling the pinch, I'm the only one feeling it. I get that having to worry about Mini-Me feeling the pinch too would be ROUGH.

Yeah, unless it's the Perfect Storm of conception I think FutureBabyMax will have to be content playing around in the recesses of my mind.

Seriously, noooo disrespect to those with kids, those who hope to have kids, those who know kids, those who were kids. This is just this writer's opinion.

Pet Shop Boys - Where The Streets Have No Name

: )

"It's Counterintuitive"

If you ever see me in my car, looking down to the left, and whispering or actually talking out loud because you can't hear me anyway I'm saying "It's Counterintuitive". That's how I remember which button opens the trunk and which opens the fuel. It's counterintuitive. Trunk is first then Fuel. Seems they should be in the order they are on the vehicle. So I have to remind myself every time or I'll open the Trunk at the gas station or the Fuel at the house when I'm unloading groceries.

I like this because so much seems counterintuitive to me, yet it all seems to work out just fine. I don't know how I turned the buttons on my car into a analogy for how life is for me right now, but I did.

(the Buenos Aires sidewalks came up when I typed in "counterintuitive")

Resonance Repatterning

When I think of all the reading, all the viewing, all the everything I have been through in my adult years to get to the root of what really is bothering me, Resonance Repatterning is standing at the forefront of it all. I've been trying to reconcile whether or not I'm getting so much out of these sessions (only 3 thus far) because of all the work I've done. In my first session, Sandi (therapist) said that it was evident I've done a lot of work on myself because we went straight to the big issues. With the first session so much was accomplished that I almost questioned the need of returning, but I had an appt set up for 2 wks later and it was good I did. That session was so powerful that I booked my next one for one week later (yesterday's session). In yesterday's session I learned that this "heartbreak" that I've been feeling that I assumed was due to my ex-husband actually went back to age 4 when my grandparents (if you don't know me, I'm wildly attached to them and was pretty much raised by them) left for India for 2 yrs and couldn't take me with them due to my young age. Well that was what set in motion my "everyone I love leaves" story. NEVER in a million years would I have guessed that was what was bothering me, but when she said it - I LOST it. I just wept and wept and wept and WEPT.

In the repatterning she called the essences of about 8 flowers (almost all red with pointy petals) that would all be useful to me in my healing of this. Then she shone a red light on my left pinky at the joint where it connects to my hand (because my Earth chakra was broken) and then a green one at my heart (because my Heart chakra was also broken). She said it was good that I had the emerald that Mirtha gave me over my heart because green and pink are the colors for the heart. After she did this she had me visualize Four Year Old Carla and reuniting with my grandparents. OMG, the water works started again (seriously, I mean I ended up with them in the end I really thought I was okay with all this). She said that no matter what happens in this plain that I can always go back to that point and she (lil Carla) can always be with them. Shit, I'm crying again. Anyway, this was CLEARLY huge, HUGE to me.

I know that to some that whole color, calling up flower essences, and all can seem farfetched. To be honest in my first session I was a bit like "whoa" with a few things until I could tell BIGTIME an immediate shift in me. It's palpable. You really and truly leave changed.

Then of course you are down to a new layer. When I was telling Grandmother about this last night she was like "I thought this was going to be a one time thing" with that bit of judgement she sometimes can get. I was totally cool about it. That normally would have set me off, but this is unusual. Unusually phenomenal. Truly, if you are in Austin, you owe it yourself to go for one session and see if you don't come away powerfully changed.

My Inner Child

Well today's therapy session was CRAZY enlightening. Seems like I keep thinking the straws the broke the various camels' backs are the things I've focused on thinking those were the problems when in fact they were really the decoys. Very, very, very revealing and very relieving.

I was feeling so good after the session I bought myself some animal crackers (that Zoe really liked too).

Therapy (Resonance Repatterning specifically) ROCKS!!!!

NPR

I find there are three kinds of people (actually because I love to put every one in boxes I have endless "kinds of people" analogies, but for this one - three)

One) Those Who Do Not Listen to NPR

Two) Those Who Do Listen to NPR and Realize This Does Not Make Them Special

Three) Those Who Listen to NPR and Act Like You Should Get Down on Your Knees to Be So Lucky to Be in Their Grand Presence

I hate Group Three.

What a Headache

So I've been dealing with a headache almost a week now. It went into full on fuck-you-if-you-think-you're-going-have-a-functional-day last night and on into today. I finally took my emergency pill that I've carried everywhere I go for the last year now. The pill made me so depressed. Just really, really, really low.

Fortunately I already had an appt today with my Miracle Worker (my chiropractor). He cracked the hell out of my neck and man did that really help. It's comforting to know that the help is there.

Just really and truly wish I'd quit getting them. They undermine everything for me. I say 'no' to so many things because I'm afraid one might come on and I'd be stuck in a certain situation. More than once have I had to have someone leave a function to take ailing Carla home. It really depresses the hell out of me.

I think I know why this particular one has come on and I'm more than a little perturbed that I'm still so affected. I believe getting this whole bedroom set has brought up the whole ex-husband thing and in a new a bigger way. I don't believe I'll ever love anyone even in the vicinity of the way I loved him and that scares the hell out of me and hello migraine. Maybe I'm over-simplifying, but my head totally started tingling as soon as I wrote this paragraph...so maybe that is it.

Done and Almost Done

The bed's done. The photo does not remotely convey how HUGE this thing is. Ignore the sloppiness. It was just thrown on the platform and there was a lot of clean up. The guy putting it together is AWESOME. So awesome. He's taking the dresser with him to do while I'm at work and he'll bring it back and finish the end tables tomorrow night.

VERY VERY VERY happy and can't wait to test out the awesomeness tonight!!!!

Carla - Knooows This- Much- Is. Truuuuuuee!!!!

I've been watching a lot of episodes of "Modern Family" again lately. My favorite is "Great Expectations", when Claire gets "Izzy" LaFountaine from Spandau Ballet (not really) for Phil for their anniversary. That episode to me is the quintessential "Modern Family" episode. The photo I posted has Ed Norton (Izzy Lafountaine) photoshopped in as a fictitious band member (the guy back right, he's wearing the identical outfit, but standing tall). As another part of that episode, there are numerous references to Sloppy Jays (Jay's version of Sloppy Joes) and I have been majorly needing a Sloppy Joe ever since.

Well, I finally made them tonight. I haven't had them since I was a kid. I'm not as disappointed with this as when I tried to recapture the SpaghettiOs magic to no avail. OMG, I made them SO sloppy and they didn't taste as good as I recall, but not that bad either. I felt like I had a little glimpse of the past and I'm grateful. I toasted the buns on the panini maker so you know, I still kept them sort of current.

I think I'm good on Sloppy Joes for quite awhile. Quite a long while.

World's Strongest Man Needed...

Holy Fucking Shit is my new furniture heavy. One of the poor bastards delivering it fell. I almost started crying when I realized I could NOT move the semi-precarious configuration (they were kind of placed stone hengey like and I was terrified that one of the cats could have gotten crushed if the load shifted. So over the course of an hr I managed to get the boxes each flat to the ground and give myself a bit of walking room. My chiropractor's going to kill me when he sees the shape I'll no doubt be in by Wednesday when I see him again.

I think I might try to put the end table together tonight. I had hoped to get it all put together today especially since it arrived early, but the person I'm hiring to do it was called out of town. He'll be back Tuesday, so Tuesday evening he'll come over. I will be shocked if this is all assembled Tuesday evening, but maybe he's that good.

Meanwhile, I need ‘World’s Strongest Man,’ Mariusz Pudzianowski over here so he can lift all five immense boxes with his pinky and laugh at me using ALL of my body weight and STILL not being able to budge them.

Morning Constitutional

I decided since I was awake to get out and walk (background: The last few years I get INSANE migraines if I do any sort of outdoor activity or am merely out for more than say 10 min during the months of May-Sept'ish). I've been really curious with all the acupuncture, chiropractic, massage, etc that I'm doing this year to see if perhaps I would not get one, but on the other hand TERRIFIED to test the theory because my God they are blinding and excruciating. Well I really felt like I wanted to walk this morning so I decided to tempt fate. We'll see what happens (doesn't necessarily happen the first time).

On the pleasant side, it was cool to have the streets or make that street (West Lynn) to myself. I felt like I was in a dream. The traffic light at 12th/West Lynn flashing and nooooo one in site (until the guy at Galaxy showed up at 6a.m.) I learned that the traffic light goes back 'on' at 6 a.m. It was very calming to just feel so alone in a place that's normally quite busy during the day.

The Time Is Now

That's the big thought going through my semi-aching mind right now (Heineken apparently now gives me a "mild" migraine. Wonderful). Anyway, I got most of my expected deliveries tonight. The BIG one coming on Sunday. Just ready to get my house in order.

I have another appointment with Miracle Worker tomorrow. Really been thinking about what to work on next. I think my career path will come up. I'm very comfortable where I am right now, but that's not like me. I feel I need to strive for something and a lot of people are asking me about life coaching/hypnosis. Do I go back to pursuing that? I don't know. I'm a bit tempted to go back to school. Finally finish the Masters and get going with the Doctorate that now feels like it will never happen. (I am an elderly 35 yr old, right?).

I was meditating last night and I had this thought SO huge in my mind "Stop Living a 1/2 Life". I want to LIVE a full life. I really see me leaving the US once my current obligations (the cats) are no more. I don't think my "purpose" is here. I could be wrong. Wouldn't be the first time. Just don't think that the purpose is here.

(the photo doesn't mean jack. just the first that said "The Time Is Now" that I liked. )

RL Burnside, Someday Baby

Rap
Goodbye girl better get gone
Skit
Gone
Had a great time
Got beat pretty good
Had a good thing going
Got more than you gave
Goddamn but now I'll give it to you
Girl, you got game

Chorus
But someday babay
You ain't gonna trouble
Poor me
Anymore

hamana-hamana-hamana

that's all i got for tonight. i mean i have a TON for GM if she'd answer the phone and best friend if she reads her pm telling her i have so much to say, but i don't think she reads her pm's often and i know she doesn't read this so i'll just sit here with my head spinning.

hamana-hamana-hamana

(i didn't mean to go with a dapper J. Gleason pic, but i rather liked it so there you have it)

The Household Is Almost Complete

I declared my intention to stay in Austin for at least a few years a couple weeks back and to that end I've finally made some purchases that I had been putting off since my move from FL. The big purchase will be here on Sunday, that's the bedroom set that I'm sure many think I'm making too big a deal out of, but you see it's not just a bedroom set to me. It's an intention. I bought a few more things today as I sat at my cockeyed desk. : ) These include a brand new set of 15 towels (that enough?), a coffee grinder/maker (my giving up coffee in May fell by the wayside), and a set of 3 cordless phones (phone can only be thrown at the wall, floor, ceiling so often).

I see the Miracle Worker on Saturday again. I feel so sorted out I don't even know what to discuss with her. I've never felt so at peace for so many days in a row EVER in my life. I'm overwhelmed by the wonder of it all. : )

literally listened to this ALL day

Benjamin Biolay - Little darlin´

The Day the Earth Stood Still...

No not because of aliens. Because Carla Sidhom finally bought a swimsuit. Yeah. Do I need to call 9-1-1 for you? I almost did for myself. I hope the thing fits.

This is an AWESOME one that I really liked, but it's a few sizes away. I may get it anyway. The one I got today, should fit. I may lay out in the back yard to get a tan before I let the world see me. We shall see. I tried to upload a photo of it, but it was that zoom in feature on ebay and I can't make that work for this. The one I got is black with brown almost suede looking material criss-crossing the bodice. Looks cute. I said "It looks like a Texas swimsuit" whatever that means.

Attached is the photo of the one I want. $79 is a bit steep though for something that I don't know if it will look good on me or not. Texas suit was only $39 w shipping and originally $116 so I felt like I got a good deal.