You Can't Go Back

Arguably, this is the best my life has ever been. Hands down. No contest. THEE BEST. Do I have everything I want? Fuck no! And that's a good thing. For a person like me, that's a GREAT thing. I always need the next thing. It drives me. It does most people, but I know it does me for a fact.

But I'm a bit, wistful for the past. Specifically my time in Austin. I miss the people I knew there. I miss the me that I was there. It was such a fantastic time for me and about 60% of the time, I knew it. I was sad, don't get me wrong. I fell for someone there, nothing came of it, and that haunted me - FOR YEARS. But I still loved that time.

I find myself trying to grab a little of that magic. I will see someone post on a friend's page or something. That will lead me to explore what has gone on in their lives. It seems a lot of people I knew then are no longer in Austin either. Their lives have moved on too, of course, happily I hope.

Sometimes, Mister and I talk about where we go from here. Florida is not the dream destination for either of us. Most signs point to the Pacific NorthWest or perhaps Montana. But every so often, he will throw out, "What about Austin". And I got excited at the prospect. There are still a few people left I talk to and love and miss terribly. But would that be wise? Would I subconsciously be trying to live an a life that no longer exists?

So what's the point of this post? No point really. Just what got me up at 3 or 4 this morning and wouldn't let me return to sleep.

Father’s Day

Last year the day landed the week after Grandfather passed. I was worried about today, but after the grief-fest of the last few weeks (Freudian slip, I accidentally wrote years because that is far more accurate).

I’m doing well. Nice to see friends’ posts of their fathers. It’s so wonderful how many people have loving, caring parents. For the rest of us, it’s wonderful that other people stepped in to give us that as my Grandparents did for me.

This year has really shown me how much Grandfather was the patriarch. His abscense is staggering. On the anniversary of his passing, this photo I took 3 years prior at a convention popped up. I remember being very struck by the oddness of being all alone in this huge hall. There should have been a few people around but there weren’t. It now feels like a premonition of what this past year held. Amazing who stood by and helped and who vanished.

The world feels like this hall now, with the ubiquitous empty chair.

I will always miss you, Grandfather. Happy Father’s Day

My Last Meal with My Grandfather

Today is 50 weeks since I lost my Grandfather. I'm hit hard with that this afternoon. I am sitting here crying. Listening to the rain hit the skylight and reflecting. I did a little calculating in my head and it occurred to me that the last meal we had together, which is kind of the day I feel like I saw a glimpse of my Grandfather for the last time, was a Sunday morning that officially will be a year ago on Memorial Day. He replied to an email I had sent him asking if he needed anything. I was regularly cooking for him at this point as my Grandmother was occupied enough with just taking care of all his other needs. He wrote back asking me to go to McDonald's...


Hello Car

Thank you for your message, and, gentle concern for my well-being...little or no appetite these days...but I have a suggestion...would you mind
getting a "Big Breakfast" for
Me...tomorrow...at say, about
8:30 a.m.? Pancakes, potato,
Syrup, etc....and a egg McMuffin for Grandmother and yourself? It would help get the day off to a good start...don't ask Grandmother about this...for she would probably cancel the order, and I don't wish for that to happen..
Thanks for your help
Grandfather


This is a part of our last email exchange. I, of course, saw him all the way to the end. And we had a great final afternoon together before he slipped into a coma. He died 10:50am on Jun 10, 2017, a Saturday morning. I was getting dressed to go be with him for the rest of the day. We were told it could be a week before he passed so I was surprised when the phone rang. But I knew.

I knew in that email he knew. This was all he could do. He barely could come to the table to eat. I see him, my six and a 1/2 foot tall giant of a Grandfather hunched over. Barely able to slide his walker across the berber carpet. I am HAUNTED by that image. Whenever people see me crying, I'm inevitably thinking about that. It breaks me to my core. He did it though. For Grandmother and I. The Three Musketeers we called ourselves, since I was little. It was our last meal together out of the thousands we had shared, all over the globe. Not in an exotic locale, not in a beautiful restaurant with amazing culinary fare. In our condo's little kitchen, breakfast from McDonald's, that none of us really felt like eating because we knew.


I will treasure the memory of that breakfast, that morning, for the rest of my life.

My Annual Check-In Blog Update

Well, well, well. Seems it's been another year (okay more than that) since my last posting. As one might expect, my life looks different now from a year ago, but most don't know how radically different. Thank God, I can say every bit of it is for the better.

In 2014, I finally found what/who I had been looking for. While I knew it then, I did not KNOW it then. That knowing has evolved and developed over the last 3 years, but this year it saw a terrific leap forward to something I only dreamed I would get to experience. Finding the right partner for you when you are not like the others is a game-changer. Yes. People usually like me, or are intrigued by me even if they find me off-putting for their tastes. But someone GETTING you. Seeing you and all your flaws and saying, "Carla, you are the one." That's rocketed me into so much personal growth and reflection that I'm truly changed by it.

Everything in my life is different now on the inside. Soon the outward manifestations will show to those in my life. 2017 will see me moving cross-country yet again. This time I'm not running from a man, to a man, I'm blissfully and calming going with THEE man. The man who I want to share the rest of my life with. The man I want to share my hopes and dreams with. The man I want to have children with if we are so blessed. The man that I have no back-up plans with that small (or great) reservation in the back of my mind and heart, "What if it all goes wrong?" That's always been there with everyone else. That was there the first 2/3 of this relationship and nearly caused us to lose everything. I couldn't believe he was real. I couldn't believe he could love. That he could see all the heartache/heartbreak, all the damage, and say, "Yeah, You Carla, I choose this." He finally got it through to me - this is real. The struggles I have faced this year that he made seem like nothing would have broken down any of my prior relationships. We have gotten stronger and stronger.

This post is not a gloating session. I don't mean for it to be. I mean for it to give you courage and inspiration if you are feeling all alone. All alone whether your are will someone or not. There can be a real healing from connecting with someone like I have with Jared. So, if you think you have that with someone or you KNOW you do - don't let that go!! This is a precious gift. If you don't have it, I believe you can attract it to you. I truly do. I was slowly but surely calling Jared into my life. I just didn't see it till he was there.

Get really, really clear on what you want and only dwell on that. Don't sit with what you don't want. Only focus on good feelings. I believe you will reveal your true heart's desire.

Wishing you all the best in 2017!! (and I really will try to get back to posting)

Soooooooooooo, It's Been Awhile...

Well, well, well. Oct 2013 was my last post. What's happened since then? ummmm, EVERY THING!!!!!!!!!

I would have just landed back in one of the last places on Earth I would have wanted to live yet again (Florida aka the US' Punchline). BUT the time here has not been misspent, regardless of what my radical mood swings might tell me.

Love/Home.
Six months after my last post I met a fella. Almost a year and 1/2 now. It was a whirlwind romance so we've been living together this whole time. One month into that we got a dog. Yes. I am a dog owner (the 3 cats from Texas are all alive and fairly well, one's a senior and having issues). So home life is much different than it's ever been in my life. Despite having been married before, I now feel like this is my first ADULT relationship. He and I are so much alike that it's wonderful 97% of the time. The other 3% we mirror what we find frustrating in one another. I have learned a lot. He's wanted to strangle me a lot. All in all, I find him magical. He feels like home - which is all I've ever wanted. He makes me laugh, all the time. He might be smarter than I. That's a tough one for me, but I dig it. He challenges me, in a good way. He's badass, and dozens of other things that I never thought I'd get all in one man.

Career.
Professionally, I'm progressively working my way up in my field. I make double what I did in Texas and have the best title to date. That's awesome. I'm not happy though. I commute to Daytona from Orlando. We'd move closer, but I don't see myself staying with this company long since 2 yrs is my limit and I'm at the 1/2 way marker. So, I have started exploring an even higher position OUT THERE. Putting it out to the Universe that I'm open to relocate given the right location/position. Mister would love to get the fuck out of Dodge too (he moved to FL from Chicago about 6 mos before I did and loathes it here even more than I).

Family.
That's tough. My Grandparents' health has declined so rapidly in the time I've been here that I really feel like I don't know them anymore. It's difficult to admit, but I have a hard time being around them. It's like being around people I don't know and who don't really know me yet they look familiar. This has been really, really hard on me. I nightmare about it almost nightly. I'm literally blocks from them, and have helped with the numerous hospital runs that have occurred in the last 9-10 months, but I've distanced myself greatly from them. Not proud.

Friends.
I'm officially the shittiest friend now. I really only text and at that not so much. My job has me so exhausted ALL the time that I barely have the energy needed at home, therefore NO energy for anything outside home/work. I hope to change that though. If I locate a job in Orlando, I intend to get my shit together and be more present for my friends who are nothing but true blue.

Future.
Mister and I share several awesome dreams. He has an added advantage. He's almost 6 yrs younger than I. I turned 40 in April and I feel like the clock is massively ticking down on it all. This frustrates and worries me. Right now we are not in a position to act on the majority of what we want and while we talk about putting plans into place, we seem to tread water. I'm sure I'm being impatient. That's my nature. But I really feel that we don't have that much time and I see others living out their dreams and worry we're just wasting time. I need to spearhead things more. Just writing this I see that.

Writing.
I discovered a site where all kinds of freelance writing opportunities are posted. I initially found it because Mister is a wine writer and there were some great opportunities for him, but in exploring it I saw that there might be some for me as well. I will look into that further. It would be fantastic to have a creative outlet and another stream of income to maybe start financing some of our dreams.

I feel I want to write a lot more, but I shall come back. This is today as it was for me years back very cathartic to share my thoughts regardless if they're viewed by anyone or not.

If you are reading this, thank you for 'listening'.

-Carla

38.5: Half Birthday Musings

Well a lot has changed this year. A LOT. Oddly enough my change in geography is not the biggest change that I've gone through. A week ago today I hit the one year marker of unemployment. Crazy Town. I'm still stupefied by that whole scene, but given the interest in me here I'm not feeling too stressed about it. So unemployment and the move where/are big factors. Not the biggest though.

The biggest. I have no goddamned idea what I want out of life any more. NO IDEA. That's really hard for someone who is goal-oriented. Everything that I wanted leaves me feeling hollow now. I suppose that could be seen as liberating. Oddly, I find it dismantling. I do know what I don't want. So that's at least something.

Someone asked me 2 days ago what my hopes and dreams were. I still haven't answered that email...

Rapid Descent into Madness

Once I make up my mind, I'm a runaway train. Unfortunately this means my mind won't turn the fuck off for me to get any sleep. I got some yesterday between the hours of 8am to Noon. I have been up ever since. I have researched it all. Houses near potential job. Sailboats. MeetUp Groups. MeetUp Groups for Sailing. Dudes. Dudes who Sail.

I'd really like to get some sleep. Brain says, "No."