Cover Me

Soooooooooooooo. Today would have been my 1 yr anniversary with the only other guy I ever lived with other than my husband. Would have been. That ended 10 days ago. I'd be sad, but I knew he wasn't the one. Nice dude - NOT the one. So I move forward, but with more of a purpose now. After a few years of being vehemently anti-relationship, I'm moving into a different phase. A phase of very much wanting a solid relationship and to start a family. Is the clock ticking? I don't think so (although it probably should be at 37). I just think I've played enough. I don't think there's that much more fun to be had going down my usual frivolous path. I was listen to Bruce tonight and thought that "Cover Me" kind of sums up what I'm looking for.

So onward and upward. :)

"My Mind to Me a Kingdom Is"

I've been extremely unhappy for a good bit now, and I know that it's all in my mind. It's my view of things that causes all my distress and malcontent. I want to internalize this poem...

My Mind to Me a Kingdom Is My mind to me a kingdom is; Such perfect joy therein I find That it excels all other bliss Which God or nature hath assign'd. Though much I want that most would have, Yet still my mind forbids to crave. No princely port, nor wealthy store, No force to win a victory, No wily wit to salve a sore, No shape to win a loving eye; To none of these I yield as thrall,-- For why? my mind despise them all. I see that plenty surfeit oft, And hasty climbers soonest fall; I see that such as are aloft Mishap doth threaten most of all. These get with toil and keep with fear; Such cares my mind can never bear. I press to bear no haughty sway, I wish no more than may suffice, I do no more than well I may, Look, what I want my mind supplies. Lo ! thus I triumph like a king, My mind content with anything. I laugh not at another's loss, Nor grudge not at another's gain; No worldly waves my mind can toss; I brook that is another's bane. I fear no foe, nor fawn on friend, I loathe not life, nor dread mine end. My wealth is health and perfect ease, And conscience clear my chief defence; I never seek by bribes to please, Nor by desert to give offence. Thus do I live, thus will I die,-- Would all did so as well as I!

The Last Eleven Months...

I took a bit of time off from this blog. I don't really know why. I think I was encountering so much stuff and living so so much that I didn't really feel like chronicling the whole thing. It's been an eventful year (or close to one). Some good some bad as in everyone's life. Two crushing disappointments that still scar my soul and perhaps will for some time to come. Couple notable victories. An ending leading to another beginning. One reconciliation. A total shift in perspective that's led to some bitterness/cynicism. 36 was an interesting and eventful trip around the sun for me. Just hit 37 on the 18th so I'm curious what will come. Where will I be? I mean more in terms of mentally/emotionally than physically at this point. My new position is located here in Austin, TX so I foresee being here a few more years. N I hope to grow more. To care for myself more. To figure out why I'm so desperately unhappy so often. I blame the things around me, but I think I just do that because I don't know how to fix what I feel inside. This past year was rough because I feel like I'm coming to the point of facing the fact that I just might not be a happy person.

Sooo, what will I learn about myself this year? Will I just make peace with the fact that I might just be morose, and perhaps that's just fine? I don't know. But I'll try to write about it here more. Or just whatever random thoughts I have. I've missed this blog. :)

I Feel You, Richard Butler

Fated to Pretend

Fitting Song for a Shit Day

20 Questions To Ask Yourself Every Sunday - May 22, '11

1. What did I learn last week?
That I've missed/needed/thrive on attention from a man who's interested in me

2. What was my greatest accomplishment over the past week?
Starting and sticking to a fast

3. Which moment from last week was the most memorable and why?
Multiple Moments :)

4. What’s the #1 thing I need to accomplish this week?
Stay on the fast

5. What can I do right now to make the week less stressful?
Just did it. Total house cleaning.

6. What have I struggled with in the past that might also affect the upcoming week?
Self-doubt and fear

7. What was last week’s biggest time sink?
Wasting time thinking about someone I can't have

8. Am I carrying any excess baggage into the week that can be dropped?
Ohhh, it's so dropped

9. What have I been avoiding that needs to get done?
My hair, that's for Wednesday and getting the PILE of laundry to the wash and fold

10. What opportunities are still on the table?
I really don't know. I think the one I really want still is, but I'm starting to doubt

11. Is there anyone I’ve been meaning to talk to?
No

12. Is there anyone that deserves a big ‘Thank You’?
Yeah :)

13. How can I help someone else this coming week?
I don't know. I have to admit, I need to focus on myself this week. Lots happening.

14. What are my top 3 goals for the next 3 years?
Job I love. Relationship I love. Leave Austin in TWO years if I don't have one of these

15. Have any of my recent actions moved me closer to my goals?
Well time has passed so in that sense, but my actions no. I'm rather fatalistic about this place.

16. What’s the next step for each goal?
Get my resume out there. Drop weight and get myself out there.

17. What am I looking forward to during the upcoming week?
Succeeding at my fast. Flirting with my prospective summer fling. :)

18. What are my fears?
That the thing I want most won't come to pass

19. What am I most grateful for?
The much needed attention I've received this week

20. If I knew I only had one week to live, who would I spend my time with?
Family and certain friends