I'm A Lot Like You - Evidently

I made a "crime spree" mix this weekend and it's awesome. I don't want to get out of the car even when I get home. As I was driving to work this morning, I was listening to "The Dangerous Type" and I had a pretty big epiphany about myself. It occurred to me that I used to (prior to the Austin move) consort with a nefarious bunch. That's not news, but what is is that I held myself apart as if I was better than them. I really thought I was. The main person of this past association used to accuse me of that. I would of course deny it whenever he'd say that. He was right though. I did think I was better than him. Every one thought I was better than him. I'm no longer so sure. He was at least straight up about being what he was. For the most part, I mean he was a dirt bag in other respects. I notice that I miss the excitement of Florida associations. Life was NEVER dull, or at least it wasn't for long. Now live is very, very sedate. People tease me that I'm in the WPP. I feel like I am at times. My blue (boring) heaven. I guess that's why EVERY story that I start writing in my head is about a woman involved in some crime or another, or on the run. I have no other stories in my head. Nothing fun and life affirming. I guess that's fine for now, but I'm thinking I need to shift from this somehow. Perhaps acknowledging that it was not all him/them is a step. I don't know. We shall see.

Baby Steps/Jumps

I finally found (alright, I knew where it was) my jump rope and started with it tonight. My goal is to get good at it. I mean really good. Like Rocky-good. Okay, even a 1/10 as good as Rocky would make me happy. At first I kept getting tripped up by my hair. It would catch on the rope. Guess it's longer than I realized. Once I put my hair up I was getting stuck around 10 jumps. I finally worked up to 27. So I think I did a good 100 or so tonight, given all my stops and starts. I thoroughly freaked out Zoe. She'll have to get used to it, because I enjoyed it and look forward to getting better and better. Wonder if I'll be in pain tomorrow. Jumping is not something I do frequently.


(I'm high5'ing myself on the photo find for today.)


I just laughed SO hard, picturing myself doing this...

You Can't Move Forward, Because You Got Your Eyes on the Rear View Mirror

This weekend has been very cathartic on several levels. Believe it or not, I got the most enlightenment from a couple of chick flicks. I'm as shocked as you are.

It started last night with "Leap Year". It was a good reminder to me of how much I used to be like Amy Adams' character. Going to epic lengths to make something that was not really working or worthy of her - "work". Then tonight with "Love Happens". This time I was more like the male lead. Aaron Eckhardt (who I still say is Thomas Jane, seriously, have they ever been seen in the same room as one another?), was a self-help guru who was himself the most in need of help. Someone said the "You can't move forward..." line in the film and that really hit me hard. In a good way.

I have such a hopeful feeling. I think I mentioned that someone suggested to me that W & E's respective passings were perhaps another way of breaking ties with my past. I think he was right. I thought I'd be 50 shades of weepy this weekend and I'm not. Yes, I miss my babies, because they were my babies and could well be my only babies. You know. Tick tock. But I feel they are together now and that I'm freed up to change my life in the way that it's steadily evolving. Changes are clearly coming. I don't know what that means, but it feels good. I have a very hopeful feeling that I have not had in quite sometime.

This version of "Every Day" was on "Love Happens".
I love what these kids did with it in their video. So awesome. I hope they go far.

Leave the Gun, Take the Cannoli

Today marked the 872nd viewing of "The Godfather". No wait. I think I've seen it even more than that. I think this was the first time I saw it without some man pre-quoting every line (that I already pre-quote in my own head). So that was nice.

I have been church hunting this evening. Some of my friends are probably requiring CPR right about now. I know. I never thought I'd go back either. It's not your "normal" church though. These are open and accepting of all (so not like any church I went to as a kid). I just feel the need to be around others who are on a spiritual quest as well. I think I found the one I want to go to. They have a thing called "Mastermind Connection". I am VERY intrigued by this. Here's the link http://www.unityhills.org/programs/groups/master-mind.htm then click on the "seven steps" for details on it. Pretty cool!!!

Between "The Godfather", good Greek food, cool "Top Gear" episodes, and now Mastermind I'm declaring today a very good day.

"Days of Heaven", One of My All Time Favorite Films

Oh my God, I'm so excited to ruin this film for you. I don't know why this film affects me the way that it does, but it DOES affect me. I love every thing about it. The story. The cinematography (won the Oscar). The score (Morricone is GOD and should have won the Oscar {it was nominated}). EVERY THING!!!

I love searching online and reading about all the behind the scenes drama surrounding it. How it took forever to get made. How the scene in which a character dies and you see him fall in the water was actually shot in Sissy Spacek's (who was not even in the movie) living room in a large aquarium. How Gere did "Days..." and then went to do "Looking for Mr. Goodbar" and that movie was shot and released whilst Malick was still editing "Days...". I love it!!!

Here's where I will ruin the film for you, so stop now if you want to see it: No? Okay. Here we go.

Gere was a Chicago factory work who quarreled with his boss and struck and killed him. So his little sister and girlfriend (Brook Adams) head down to Texas (is this were I got the idea to run to TX?). They take work on a farm owned by Shepherd's character. Gere and Adams pretend to be siblings so as not to cause scandal. Gere overhears Shepherd speaking with his doctor and learns that he has a year to live. Gere decided Adams should marry him and they will get the fortune when he dies. (Shepherd is "the richest man in the Texas panhandle). So they marry and the guy DOESN'T DIE!!! Over time Shepherd picks up on what EVERY ONE else notices at first glance, that Gere/Adams are a couple and he goes after Gere. Gere kills Shepherd. Shepherd's right hand man (who has had his eye on Gere the whole time) goes after Gere and Gere is killed (he's the one that was in Spacek's aquarium.

So it's a really simple story, but it's so compelling - to me anyway. I love the looks of the film. It's set in the TX panhandle, but filmed in Canada. I love the lack of dialogue. There is far too much talking in a lot of films. This one is sparse on the chit chat. Good. Morricone's score is breathtaking as always. I'm a BIG Morricone fan.

If this film is on (it was last night), I have to watch it. Like I said. I don't know why it affects me so, but it does.

The Awakening Heart

I've been doing a lot of reading, reflecting, and visioning in regards to love. I am seeing more and more that I'm surrounded by love as opposed to it being this elusive prey that I have been forever hunting. This makes me very happy. I still wonder though if there will be "The One" for me. I know there will be "the next one", but "THEE ONE". Does he exist?

I was reading today "...boredom and monotony do not exist in real love...". That really got me to thinking. Was what I once truly thought was real love even real love? I was really never that bored as I NEVER knew what I was going to get with the former object of my affections. He was volatile to say the least. Still was that real love? I don't know. I hope that someday I experience a love that will answer that question for me. That it will be so magnificent and completely different from Husband #1 that there will be no doubt in my mind what real love is.

Poet And Didn't Know It...

but my feet show it because they are Longfellows. : P

I'm awakened by a sentence.


"Your compassion (uncommon kindness) lays siege to the walls guarding (around) my wounded (broken) heart."


I got up and wrote the sentence minus the parts in parentheses and then I've been mulling changing it to the parts in parentheses. I'm sure you got that without me saying that, but I'm exhausted and feel I need to overly explain myself.


I was thinking of one person in particular. I want to write a poem for someone, but then I reflected yesterday on how wonderful the people in my life are. Most I know in person. Some I don't. Some I hope to get to know better, but all so kind, caring, and supportive. I know if I truly needed help they would be there for me.

The loss of my boys, especially Wicked, tore open a massive wound of the past and left me extremely vulnerable. Not to worry though. It finally does not feel dangerous to feel vulnerable. Okay, it feels LESS dangerous. I still have the need to protect myself. Hard to unlearn defense mechanisms that served me so very well in my past life. I'm trying though.

I don't want to be cut off from people who care about me and I them. I sent out a text message to a handful of people who for one reason or several mean a lot to me. It was so awesome the responses I got back. Made me think, "Why wait till Thanksgiving to tell those you care about that you are thankful for them?" I'm going to practice gratitude far more. I've taken some hard hits the last few years and have lost sight of the fact that I truly am blessed still. I just have not been blessed in the way I thought I would be so it looked off or wrong to me. It kind of reminds me of that line from "Stop and Stare". "You'd give anything if it was fair, but fair ain't what you really need." I think I get that now.

So, Dear Reader, allow me to tell you that I'm thankful for you too. I wish I could know who you all are. I know you are scattered far and wide. Brazil, Russia, Denmark, S. Korea, France, Italy, Germany, Lithuania, and of course the US and these are just a few places that I consistently see on the stats. I wonder about you. Who are you? What do you do? What are you going through? I don't know exactly what keeps 30-60'ish people coming back day after day, but I thank you. This blog has been soooo helpful to me. There is something freeing about writing and knowing that someone out there is reading it.

Well, I think I'll leave you with a little Oingo Boingo to show you my "Gratitude".