Love: It TRULY Is the Thought That Counts

This is my 37th Valentine's Day. I have mixed feelings about this day. I DO agree that it's a commercialism nightmare. How many trinkets, baubles, chocolates, flowers, dinners do we really need? Yet, we're made to feel like we are missing something if we don't have the day acknowledged in some form or fashion.


I thought I was above all this nonsense until last year when my live-in bf did NOTHING for the day. He thought because of my hatred of conventionality that zero acknowledgment of the day was the way to go. We both learned he was wrong. I was STUNNED how upset I was. As I told him, "You're a writer, you couldn't have written something nice to me?" That was yet another great reminder that I never feel more alone than when I'm "with" someone. For my part, I was unemployed (I know right?) and he was using my car to get to his job. So I walked to the store and got all the makings of a romantic dinner and a sweet card. This, of course, made his grievous error all the more painful.


This year, I expected nothing from today since I am unattached, but was very pleasantly surprised by several gestures done for me. Text messages of "Happy Valentine's Day", thoughtful emails, and my favorite of all a Sonnet by Shakespeare - that is all I want. I don't want things. I was with someone who liked to buy my love. You can't. Mine's not for sale. I just want a sweet, thoughtful gesture. I'm really a cheap date. :)


I'm in a weird place right now. Trying to figure out if I really want to be with anyone or not. Seeing I have people in my life who make me feel not alone even though I'm not tied to them makes me think that I could have the best of both worlds if I just embrace solitude and yet keep my heart open to the love around me. I don't know. The bottom line has not been written. All I know is that for me, it is the thought that counts. As long as I have people in my life thinking of me and DEMONSTRATING that - I'm quite satisfied.


Happy Valentine's Day to you all. I, more than likely, love you in my own weird little way. <3

Lather, WINCE, Repeat...

Lather, Rinse, Repeat. Lather, Rinse, Repeat. Laaaather. Riiiiinse. Repeeeat. The tedium of it all is sometimes overwhelming to me. I may be in a different shower, in a different apartment, in a different city, in a different state, in a different country even. There are some things that will send me into the depths of despair OR might make the whole thing worth hanging on to - depending on my outlook on any given day.

Some days, I find the minutia beautiful. Some days, I find it unbearable. What's it all about, why are we here, does it even matter? I think that it does, sometimes, to you, to me. I think we are inherently narcissists trying to rationalize our importance. I think each person derives their own meaning. Sometimes I thing I'm close to finding mine, and others I feel hopelessly adrift - no closer to my purpose today than the day I was born.

We soldier on though, don't we? Someone of great importance to me sent me a very interesting video today of Christopher Hitchens. He was talking about his Atheist friends who envy those who still have faith in God. Then he asked why they envied being enslaved to an idea. That really hit me as I am one who envies my former, oblivious self. I don't know how to transition form someone who was taught to be hooked on a mythical notion to being a freestanding-face-the-good-face-the-bad person.

Just my thoughts tonight. Take them in. Spit them out. Do with them what you like...

The Long and Winding Road: Five Years Ago Today

Five years ago today, I had just finished up a two month process of selling off my 3 bedroom house full of furniture and saying good bye to all but one that I loved back home in Florida. The moving truck full of remaining furniture that would accompany me on my uncertain journey was packed up around late afternoon. My three cats (completely different from my current three) were all really that mattered to me at that point were finally captured and in my car. Evil and Wicked in the back seat and Princess Zoe Zou-Zou riding shot gun. We will drive all night stopping only for gas to arrive in Austin on Jan 31st (2008).

Then like now I had been laid off in the fall. Then like now I was hoping for something amazing to happen, but just didn't know what. I just knew I wanted something/someone/anything different than what my last 15 yrs had been.

In the last five years, I met dozens of interesting, wonderful, and a couple terrible people here. Some were greatly important for a season. A small handful I know I will know till the end. My bond with those back home grew stronger and even more meaningful in my absence. One of the great wonders of our modern time is that even when we're 'alone' there is someone always around online.

I have learned a great deal about myself. I'm definitely not the same woman that got in that car five years ago. Some things about this current woman I like, and some things I don't. The time has not been an easy one for me. I spent about 85% of my time feeling I made a huge mistake coming here, that I took a wrong turn. I feel that less now. I have NO clue what this experience is leading me to, but I hope it will be to something amazing. Just perhaps not in the immediate future.

I can say this about me. Right, wrong, or indifferent - I follow my heart. My heart led me here. What I came for didn't pan out. I'm trying to look at these experiences as stepping stones leading me to where I'm to go next. Trying to less look at the destination as I have finally learned that whatever MY destination is - I'll never get there. It's the journey.

Open Love Letters to Men Real & Imagined - Mostly Imagined

It's finally happening, People!!! Sorta. My creative juices are flowing (eww), and I'm inspired (woo hooo). After ohhh a billion years of people telling me "you NEED to write this stuff down" upon hearing one of my epic tales of woe, I'm going to do it!! I'm going to "write this stuff down"!!!

Since my misadventures with men amuses the fuck out of everyone, I think I'll start there. I'll have to change up A LOT of things. Names, locations, specific identifying events, but I will wield my pen like a mighty sword whilst hiding behind my shield of Poetic License.

I'm really excited about it, and YES "Sex Toy Story" will be included in this one. My working title is the same as the blog post title: "Open Love Letters to Men Real & Imagined - Mostly Imagined" that came to me in the shower one day. Almost broke my neck trying to get out to write it down. Who knows, maybe someday you'll all be able to say "I knew her when..." ;)

A Legal Kiss Is Never As Good As a Stolen One.

Guy de Maupassant said that. I agree. I have a "fantasy" although that's really not the proper term for it. I almost hate that word at this point. I have a fanciful notion. Ehhhhh. Anyway. There are certain men I see out there in the world. Going about their daily grind clearly starved of any passion, any spark that was once there. I want to go up to them, grab their face in both my hands, tilt their head to the side, and just PLANT one on them. Like an OMFG where have you been all my life kiss --- and then just walk away.

The beauty of it is the simplicity of it as well as the anonymity. No words would be exchanged. They would just stand there dumbfounded and I'd stealthy vanish into the crowd.

The recipients would be all over the map. Literally. Race/ethnic group/age wouldn't matter. They would just have an "in need of rescue" look in their eye. As often as I see that look, I'd be kissing every other guy I meet.

Would this change their respective lives? No, of course not, but for a brief moment it would inject a bit of hope, bit of romance, a bit of that something we've all long ago forgotten into their worlds...

(the pic was just one i liked that i found under 'stolen kiss'. hard to find a pic that describes the above)

Getting to Know Me, Getting to Know ALL About Me...

Let's start with the positive. My physical health has steadily improved over the last 5 weeks. My hair is all shiny and curly. My eczema is WAY better and back under control. My skin tone looks far better. I'm dropping weight and clearly building muscle because I freaked myself out a little bit yesterday when I put on a wife-beater (maybe lay off the push-ups). My best friend commented "You are THEE most relaxed unemployed person I have EVER met." So yeah, stone-cold chillin' over here.

The also positive, but in the moment feels like a negative. Ummmm, how do I say this? I'm not as great of a person as I thought I was. (I hope my exes don't read this) Anyway yeah. You know how when you're embroiled in work you fantasize about all the amazing, wonderful, philanthropic things you'd get up to "if only I had the time"? Yeah, stop thinking that. Unless you really are a great person - which are you really? In my case, it turns out I was just blowing smoke up my own skirt. Which I probably could now because I'm doing A LOT of stretching (again, physically, this time has been awesome). I digress - I'm doing that a lot more lately too.

I've had a lot of fun, but I've cried more tears in these five weeks than I have in the last five years. You might think that to be hyperbole. It's not. I have never cried this much ever (and I was married!!). I'm just grieving anything and everything right now. I'm clearly entering into a different phase and I'm letting go of childish things.

I don't know where this all is leading, but I do know it's to something greater for me. I have no illusions that I'm going to evolve into Saint CarlaMarie and anyone who even slightly knows me, would know I far rather be Sinner CarlaMarie. I do want to be "better" than this, but I'm not going to shame myself into it. I'm so done with guilt and shame.

I do know that I want my life to matter. Right now I don't see that being the case, but I think I have to go through whatever this is to get to where I can even think about helping others.

So there you go. That is where I'm at right now. Gotta go and peel more layers to this Crazy Carla onion.

What's in a Name?

I spend a lot of time letting my mind roam free. It's one of the luxuries of my lifestyle of almost zero responsibilities. I find it interesting what topics will repeatedly make an appearance. Some are the heavy questions of life, some are super frivolous and right down amusing, others are ones that circle around back every few months/years.

My last name. That's one that perplexes me. I have a pseudonym and have for years - Carla Castille. I always assumed I'd write under that name to "protect the innocent" read: I have a VERY conservative family and I couldn't be less like them if I tried.

I'm always looking at last names and trying them on with my first name. Mind you not of men I like, I mean total strangers' names. A personal fave - Cockcroft. I massively would love to be Carla Cockcroft. I won't do it, but it will always be an unfulfilled dream.

I kept my married name for numerous reasons. I use Susan Sarandon as my backup for this. She and Chris Sarandon were married 1967-1979, she didn't even have kids with him. She had kids with Amuri and Robbins, didn't take their names. Clearly it's her stage name, and I've almost come to regard my last name as mine.

Reasons I retain the name:

a) It's the name of my true love. That's an immutable fact.
b) I'm the only one in the world - LITERALLY - NO other woman has my name
c) It's Egyptian, but NO ONE knows what the fuck the name is so it's a convo starter
d) It means "King of Kings" - FUCK YEAH

Does the list even need to continue? I actually have a couple other points, but those are the biggies.

I'm not saying I'll never change my name. If I remarry, I might. Maybe I'll hyphenate. I don't know. I really like my name as it is. The one thing that could sway me is if I had kids. I might have to depart from Ms. Sarandon's example and take the name of my kids' father - unless I lose my mind in my 40's and have like 7 baby-daddies!! Never say "NEVER"!!!!!! ;)