Good Bye, Norma Jean, Seriously - You Had a Fair Run

Thanks to Pinterest, I have access to even more unnecessary information. As those who know me can attest, I fucking love it!! Occasionally in my quest to pin alluring photos of a life I'll never lead, I stumble upon photos that surprise me. Such is the case with this photo. The caption was "Marilyn Monroe on her 36th Birthday". Her WHAT???? The way Elton John and the rest of the Free World laments her "untimely passing", I've always assumed she was a woman MUCH younger than 36. As a woman of 37, I can tell you - I've had a great run. I'm just Carla. Yeah, those who know me rather well, know my life has been anything but dull, but certainly NOTHING on the scale that would have been her life. So what's all the crying about? We can't all get to 80, and honestly - do you REALLY, REALLY want to? I only would for the sake of my family and the members of my family I actually care about ARE 80 right now. Don't get me wrong this isn't an EMO-esque posting. If I have children, I clearly would want to be there for them. That's a whole other case entirely. I get that leaving young ones behind is sad. I just don't get why not having a long life is deemed such a tragedy. But I'm weird so you know - take this post with a grain of salt. :)

The Secret of My (Lack of) Success

Sooooo, it's that time again. I'm discontent. I have legit reasons (as I usually do) for wanting/needing to move on, but GODDAMN, I do so tire of this. I was all set to get my Masters in what I already have a BA in, and as I have with my prior Masters attempts - I"m scrapping it for now. I see I really don't like management at all. I might even actually hate it, and I'm not sure I'm any good at it. I lack the megalomaniacal tendencies that I apparently need. So what to do, what to do? No seriously, please tell me. I'm open to suggestions.

The Winds of Time Are Shifting My Desires

I love blogposts that I write/erase/write/erase. Sometimes I think I sound like such an asshole. This has gone that way tonight. Here was basically what I was trying to say: What I used to desire I no longer do, or I don't let myself because as Ms. Plath pointed out - they would destroy me. I'm tired of making the same mistakes. I desire something more for my life than what I'm currently engaged in. I had something in there about being lonely tonight which is insane especially on a day where I got record compliments on my looks. So there you go. An Outline. I just fucking blogposted an outline. Wow.

Load Up the Caravan

So it's happening again. I'm moving, much to the surprise of NO ONE. I guess when you were RARLY in one place for more than a few weeks in your youth you just do NOT know how to put down roots. I get the keys tomorrow and I'm not remotely ready. I have my current apt till the last day of this month so there is a decent overlap. I have the movers coming a week from Friday. So I'll be done and outta here by the 21st. Things didn't go at all the way I thought they would this time, but things NEVER go the way I think they will. They just are a bit more off than expected. I found a cute place over double the size of the place I'm in now. I even will have a study. So that will be nice. The children (cats) will have more room. I'm closer to the office, but that's not all that thrilling. I'm not loving the job right now. Perhaps I'm just overwhelmed with the life changes - relationship ending/moving etc. I don't know. I hope I snap out of my little funk. I think I will. I think I'm just stressed out and lonely.

Cover Me

Soooooooooooooo. Today would have been my 1 yr anniversary with the only other guy I ever lived with other than my husband. Would have been. That ended 10 days ago. I'd be sad, but I knew he wasn't the one. Nice dude - NOT the one. So I move forward, but with more of a purpose now. After a few years of being vehemently anti-relationship, I'm moving into a different phase. A phase of very much wanting a solid relationship and to start a family. Is the clock ticking? I don't think so (although it probably should be at 37). I just think I've played enough. I don't think there's that much more fun to be had going down my usual frivolous path. I was listen to Bruce tonight and thought that "Cover Me" kind of sums up what I'm looking for.

So onward and upward. :)

"My Mind to Me a Kingdom Is"

I've been extremely unhappy for a good bit now, and I know that it's all in my mind. It's my view of things that causes all my distress and malcontent. I want to internalize this poem...

My Mind to Me a Kingdom Is My mind to me a kingdom is; Such perfect joy therein I find That it excels all other bliss Which God or nature hath assign'd. Though much I want that most would have, Yet still my mind forbids to crave. No princely port, nor wealthy store, No force to win a victory, No wily wit to salve a sore, No shape to win a loving eye; To none of these I yield as thrall,-- For why? my mind despise them all. I see that plenty surfeit oft, And hasty climbers soonest fall; I see that such as are aloft Mishap doth threaten most of all. These get with toil and keep with fear; Such cares my mind can never bear. I press to bear no haughty sway, I wish no more than may suffice, I do no more than well I may, Look, what I want my mind supplies. Lo ! thus I triumph like a king, My mind content with anything. I laugh not at another's loss, Nor grudge not at another's gain; No worldly waves my mind can toss; I brook that is another's bane. I fear no foe, nor fawn on friend, I loathe not life, nor dread mine end. My wealth is health and perfect ease, And conscience clear my chief defence; I never seek by bribes to please, Nor by desert to give offence. Thus do I live, thus will I die,-- Would all did so as well as I!

The Last Eleven Months...

I took a bit of time off from this blog. I don't really know why. I think I was encountering so much stuff and living so so much that I didn't really feel like chronicling the whole thing. It's been an eventful year (or close to one). Some good some bad as in everyone's life. Two crushing disappointments that still scar my soul and perhaps will for some time to come. Couple notable victories. An ending leading to another beginning. One reconciliation. A total shift in perspective that's led to some bitterness/cynicism. 36 was an interesting and eventful trip around the sun for me. Just hit 37 on the 18th so I'm curious what will come. Where will I be? I mean more in terms of mentally/emotionally than physically at this point. My new position is located here in Austin, TX so I foresee being here a few more years. N I hope to grow more. To care for myself more. To figure out why I'm so desperately unhappy so often. I blame the things around me, but I think I just do that because I don't know how to fix what I feel inside. This past year was rough because I feel like I'm coming to the point of facing the fact that I just might not be a happy person.

Sooo, what will I learn about myself this year? Will I just make peace with the fact that I might just be morose, and perhaps that's just fine? I don't know. But I'll try to write about it here more. Or just whatever random thoughts I have. I've missed this blog. :)