God Damn It

I had a fucking awesome day today.

From beginning to end!!

I even had a Cuban Sandwich (one of my favorite of the sandwiches) and Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Cheesecake at "The Cheesecake Factory"

Yep, GOOD day.

So Far Away...

Man, I'm getting rid of SO much stuff my ex-husband gave me. Christ, it's hard.

Don't tell him, but I still love him.

I mean, best thing I ever did to get away -- but yeah, still do.

Craigslist: It's So Much More Than Just an Awesome Orgy Finder!!

OMG, I was EPICALLY stressed over stuff (otherwise known as crap I accumulate to give me a false sense of security). Yesterday I decide to take a shot at posting a lot of my stuff for free. Books, DVDs, Kitchen Cuckooness, and Clothes. I have met the most awesome people this afternoon. Learned a little bit about people who are on their different journeys and can benefit from what I view as a noose around my neck. The interactions were awesome and 20 times better than cash. There really are some things that you cannot put a price tag on.

I feel freer this evening. I have a bit more space. I know I'll need to list even more stuff, but I have the room now to throw open the cabinets again and get real with myself as to what I need and what I don't. Well I do NOT need any of it, but you know. What might I realistically use.

Today's been a great day. : )

Ohh, and Ladies, if you're ever feeling a bit down. Post a CL ad and within 10 minutes you'll feel hotter than Angelina Jolie. Your ego will be satisfied and you never have meet anyone, unless you want to. I do this about every six months and my self-esteem shoots through the roof. Hey, sometimes you need to know SOMEONE things you're fine.

Raw Emotion

Okay the pic is hot, and definitely shows the raw emotion of passion/horniness - which I am feeling, but I'm feeling raw emotion on several fronts.

1) Japan - Christ, what can I say? It's unfathomable. I have only been in Tokyo's airport and after seeing a really fun episode of "Top Gear" a few weeks back added Japan to the list of countries to revisit as an adult. Now, I don't even know. My heart aches for them. I was crying as I watched the news tonight. I had been avoiding it because I wasn't up to it with the other things that have been going on.

2) The move - (happening first week of April) excited on some levels, freaked the fuck out on others.

3) The job - will it be there tomorrow? who knows. i know i'll be alright. fortunately, i have an awesome family. i also have awesome pride and i HATE relying on other people. so i hope a solid, new, fun, fulfilling opportunity surfaces AFTER THE MOVE.

4) The birthday - Going to be 36 in a month a four days. Thirty-six. I thought I'd have FutureBaby Max by now. I thought a lot of things would be by now. Life has not turned out like I thought it would. Not remotely. So far, I'm not liking how things are looking. So change them, right? Riiiiiiight. To what? What? I really don't know. All that meant anything to me is now long gone. There are new things that might potentially mean something to me, but it's all hypothetical right now.

5) My Grandparents - I worry about them. A lot. Am I selfish staying here? Should I have encouraged them to move here? They wanted to then I told them not to because I don't think I like Austin. I will be here for a bit though, so did I do the wrong thing? How much time do they have left?

6) My brother - I miss him.

7) My sister - Will we ever have a relationship?

8) My parents - Ehhhh, what to say?

9) My friends - am I slighting them? I get so very focused on me, and then suddenly read that one of them has had a problem or brush with something scary and I didn't even know. How much more wrapped up in myself can I possibly be?

10) Others - I grew up helping people in India. What the fuck am I doing now? NOTHING. Nothing of value. How can I see what I have seen and live the life I live?

I think I'll just stop there because I have myself crying now.

Yeah, RAW EMOTION.

"Death Is a Debt We All Must Pay." ~Euripides

My Grandparents lost a friend they had for over 60 yrs last night. He was a sweet man. He and his wife were very good to me the second time I moved to California. My husband up and left me (for the dozenth time) and I was stuck out there in San Diego. They took me in and helped me and made a horrible time so much better until my family got me back home (long story...all these sorts of stories of mine are).

Anyway, Grandmother was telling me how they (Grandfather, she, and this man) were "The Three Musketeers". He was married to another woman at the time, but I guess that was not a happy union. The woman I know was his 2nd wife. I've often heard stories about him and few other friends of theirs who have passed on in the last 5-10 yrs. It makes me wonder what that must feel like. The certainty that you or your friends will die - soon.

I've thought a lot about death in the last year. Well I always have, but more so lately. I was at the doctor the other day for panic attacks and I have to keep filling out this mental health questionnaire. (She thinks I'm bi-polar or in some way off). I answer everything as honestly as I can including the "Do you have thoughts of killing yourself." I do. Just not now. I just think of it more as an option should I ever find out I'm really sick. What's the point of making it to 80 and suffering? None that I see. This would be the advantage of never having kids. I couldn't do something like that if I had children left behind. If there is no one though, I think it's a perfectly viable option. Other than religious guilt, which fades a bit more each year, I don't see anything wrong with it. It's your life. Why shouldn't you have the ultimate control over it.

To the people who actually know me who are reading this: Don't Worry! I'm fine!! Just talking about the things that we aren't supposed to talk about. Why not? Death is a part of Life.

Carla Sidhom: Rare Book Collector

I have always loved books.

Since my childhood, I dreamt of having Prof. Higgins library (see pic).

I have collected and given away, collected and given away my books. I'm doing so again.

I want to build a collection that I wouldn't dream of giving away.

I hate collecting. I hear of others doing it with various things, and I don't get the point. I do with books.

I'd love to become a mini-expert at it.


On another note, Rex Harrison as Professor Higgins was one of my first crushes.

Yo, Adrien!!!!

You know how much a love you, so I humbly request that you not shill any other products. I'm sitting here drinking Stella Artois that I purchased for reasons beyond my control. I was at the store. I saw Stella Artois. I heard you singing to me (yes, TO ME!!!). I bought Stella Artois.

Your Svengali-esque hold on me is too strong. So please, no more commercials. Have mercy on me.

If you must sell something, please make it a really great mutual fund or IRA or even gold. Dude, GOLD. Glen Beck has me hating gold, you could make me love it again!!

Use your sick powers over me for good, Adrien.