Open Love Letters to Men Real & Imagined - Mostly Imagined

It's finally happening, People!!! Sorta. My creative juices are flowing (eww), and I'm inspired (woo hooo). After ohhh a billion years of people telling me "you NEED to write this stuff down" upon hearing one of my epic tales of woe, I'm going to do it!! I'm going to "write this stuff down"!!!

Since my misadventures with men amuses the fuck out of everyone, I think I'll start there. I'll have to change up A LOT of things. Names, locations, specific identifying events, but I will wield my pen like a mighty sword whilst hiding behind my shield of Poetic License.

I'm really excited about it, and YES "Sex Toy Story" will be included in this one. My working title is the same as the blog post title: "Open Love Letters to Men Real & Imagined - Mostly Imagined" that came to me in the shower one day. Almost broke my neck trying to get out to write it down. Who knows, maybe someday you'll all be able to say "I knew her when..." ;)

A Legal Kiss Is Never As Good As a Stolen One.

Guy de Maupassant said that. I agree. I have a "fantasy" although that's really not the proper term for it. I almost hate that word at this point. I have a fanciful notion. Ehhhhh. Anyway. There are certain men I see out there in the world. Going about their daily grind clearly starved of any passion, any spark that was once there. I want to go up to them, grab their face in both my hands, tilt their head to the side, and just PLANT one on them. Like an OMFG where have you been all my life kiss --- and then just walk away.

The beauty of it is the simplicity of it as well as the anonymity. No words would be exchanged. They would just stand there dumbfounded and I'd stealthy vanish into the crowd.

The recipients would be all over the map. Literally. Race/ethnic group/age wouldn't matter. They would just have an "in need of rescue" look in their eye. As often as I see that look, I'd be kissing every other guy I meet.

Would this change their respective lives? No, of course not, but for a brief moment it would inject a bit of hope, bit of romance, a bit of that something we've all long ago forgotten into their worlds...

(the pic was just one i liked that i found under 'stolen kiss'. hard to find a pic that describes the above)

Getting to Know Me, Getting to Know ALL About Me...

Let's start with the positive. My physical health has steadily improved over the last 5 weeks. My hair is all shiny and curly. My eczema is WAY better and back under control. My skin tone looks far better. I'm dropping weight and clearly building muscle because I freaked myself out a little bit yesterday when I put on a wife-beater (maybe lay off the push-ups). My best friend commented "You are THEE most relaxed unemployed person I have EVER met." So yeah, stone-cold chillin' over here.

The also positive, but in the moment feels like a negative. Ummmm, how do I say this? I'm not as great of a person as I thought I was. (I hope my exes don't read this) Anyway yeah. You know how when you're embroiled in work you fantasize about all the amazing, wonderful, philanthropic things you'd get up to "if only I had the time"? Yeah, stop thinking that. Unless you really are a great person - which are you really? In my case, it turns out I was just blowing smoke up my own skirt. Which I probably could now because I'm doing A LOT of stretching (again, physically, this time has been awesome). I digress - I'm doing that a lot more lately too.

I've had a lot of fun, but I've cried more tears in these five weeks than I have in the last five years. You might think that to be hyperbole. It's not. I have never cried this much ever (and I was married!!). I'm just grieving anything and everything right now. I'm clearly entering into a different phase and I'm letting go of childish things.

I don't know where this all is leading, but I do know it's to something greater for me. I have no illusions that I'm going to evolve into Saint CarlaMarie and anyone who even slightly knows me, would know I far rather be Sinner CarlaMarie. I do want to be "better" than this, but I'm not going to shame myself into it. I'm so done with guilt and shame.

I do know that I want my life to matter. Right now I don't see that being the case, but I think I have to go through whatever this is to get to where I can even think about helping others.

So there you go. That is where I'm at right now. Gotta go and peel more layers to this Crazy Carla onion.

What's in a Name?

I spend a lot of time letting my mind roam free. It's one of the luxuries of my lifestyle of almost zero responsibilities. I find it interesting what topics will repeatedly make an appearance. Some are the heavy questions of life, some are super frivolous and right down amusing, others are ones that circle around back every few months/years.

My last name. That's one that perplexes me. I have a pseudonym and have for years - Carla Castille. I always assumed I'd write under that name to "protect the innocent" read: I have a VERY conservative family and I couldn't be less like them if I tried.

I'm always looking at last names and trying them on with my first name. Mind you not of men I like, I mean total strangers' names. A personal fave - Cockcroft. I massively would love to be Carla Cockcroft. I won't do it, but it will always be an unfulfilled dream.

I kept my married name for numerous reasons. I use Susan Sarandon as my backup for this. She and Chris Sarandon were married 1967-1979, she didn't even have kids with him. She had kids with Amuri and Robbins, didn't take their names. Clearly it's her stage name, and I've almost come to regard my last name as mine.

Reasons I retain the name:

a) It's the name of my true love. That's an immutable fact.
b) I'm the only one in the world - LITERALLY - NO other woman has my name
c) It's Egyptian, but NO ONE knows what the fuck the name is so it's a convo starter
d) It means "King of Kings" - FUCK YEAH

Does the list even need to continue? I actually have a couple other points, but those are the biggies.

I'm not saying I'll never change my name. If I remarry, I might. Maybe I'll hyphenate. I don't know. I really like my name as it is. The one thing that could sway me is if I had kids. I might have to depart from Ms. Sarandon's example and take the name of my kids' father - unless I lose my mind in my 40's and have like 7 baby-daddies!! Never say "NEVER"!!!!!! ;)

This One Goes Out to the One I Love

Some things just stick. You smell a certain fragrance, you're transported years and miles to scene, time, and place. You hear a certain song, see a certain image - suddenly you are "there" - wherever your "there" happens to be.

I met someone 21 yrs ago who stuck with me. This person was my professor (due to graduating high school at 14, I was in college early). At the time he was the age I now am (37). I was in a program that was experimental at my college. I was to have him and 3 other professors for this particular class for two full years. This was ample time for the capricious lunacies of a young teen age girl's mind to run AMOCK.

This poor man. He became the be all and end all of my tiny little life. I think due to my extensive travels I was interesting enough to him that he didn't mind my adoration, and he NEVER did anything remotely inappropriate. He was always there for me. Anytime I had a question, any time I wanted to talk, any time I wanted to write him love letters in French. Ahhh, mais oui!!! I pulled out all the stops with him. With the exception of my ex-husband, I have never pursued a man so hard. And I LOVED to pursue.

I was devastated when my time with him came to an end. Many thought it was just a crush, and I guess it was/is. To this day, I still dream of him. I met up with him not long before I left Orlando 5 yrs ago. He looked INCREDIBLE, and although almost 15 yrs had passed - it felt like nothing had changed (except he was FINALLY divorced!!). I sooooo wanted to go back into hot pursuit mode, especially since my relationship with my ex-husband (which started right as I was no longer under Professor's tutelage) was ending.

There are a few things in life that I guard as so precious that I don't want to mare them. My memories, dreams, and thoughts of the Professor are at the top of that list. I would never want to damage my perfect view of him so I just stand back and do nothing. There has only been one other man that I have done this with since him. The Professor will forever be in my heart/mind/soul.

So why do I write about him today? It's his birthday. :) Today he is 58. Unless the last 5 yrs were brutal, he's no doubt the hottest 58 yr old prof out there.

So David, Happy Birthday and thank you for helping a young girl out in her awkward time of adjusting to the college/university world after a life of private tutoring, and thank you for providing a lovelorn woman so many years of precious memories.