Open Love Letters to Men Real & Imagined - Mostly Imagined

It's finally happening, People!!! Sorta. My creative juices are flowing (eww), and I'm inspired (woo hooo). After ohhh a billion years of people telling me "you NEED to write this stuff down" upon hearing one of my epic tales of woe, I'm going to do it!! I'm going to "write this stuff down"!!!

Since my misadventures with men amuses the fuck out of everyone, I think I'll start there. I'll have to change up A LOT of things. Names, locations, specific identifying events, but I will wield my pen like a mighty sword whilst hiding behind my shield of Poetic License.

I'm really excited about it, and YES "Sex Toy Story" will be included in this one. My working title is the same as the blog post title: "Open Love Letters to Men Real & Imagined - Mostly Imagined" that came to me in the shower one day. Almost broke my neck trying to get out to write it down. Who knows, maybe someday you'll all be able to say "I knew her when..." ;)

A Legal Kiss Is Never As Good As a Stolen One.

Guy de Maupassant said that. I agree. I have a "fantasy" although that's really not the proper term for it. I almost hate that word at this point. I have a fanciful notion. Ehhhhh. Anyway. There are certain men I see out there in the world. Going about their daily grind clearly starved of any passion, any spark that was once there. I want to go up to them, grab their face in both my hands, tilt their head to the side, and just PLANT one on them. Like an OMFG where have you been all my life kiss --- and then just walk away.

The beauty of it is the simplicity of it as well as the anonymity. No words would be exchanged. They would just stand there dumbfounded and I'd stealthy vanish into the crowd.

The recipients would be all over the map. Literally. Race/ethnic group/age wouldn't matter. They would just have an "in need of rescue" look in their eye. As often as I see that look, I'd be kissing every other guy I meet.

Would this change their respective lives? No, of course not, but for a brief moment it would inject a bit of hope, bit of romance, a bit of that something we've all long ago forgotten into their worlds...

(the pic was just one i liked that i found under 'stolen kiss'. hard to find a pic that describes the above)

Getting to Know Me, Getting to Know ALL About Me...

Let's start with the positive. My physical health has steadily improved over the last 5 weeks. My hair is all shiny and curly. My eczema is WAY better and back under control. My skin tone looks far better. I'm dropping weight and clearly building muscle because I freaked myself out a little bit yesterday when I put on a wife-beater (maybe lay off the push-ups). My best friend commented "You are THEE most relaxed unemployed person I have EVER met." So yeah, stone-cold chillin' over here.

The also positive, but in the moment feels like a negative. Ummmm, how do I say this? I'm not as great of a person as I thought I was. (I hope my exes don't read this) Anyway yeah. You know how when you're embroiled in work you fantasize about all the amazing, wonderful, philanthropic things you'd get up to "if only I had the time"? Yeah, stop thinking that. Unless you really are a great person - which are you really? In my case, it turns out I was just blowing smoke up my own skirt. Which I probably could now because I'm doing A LOT of stretching (again, physically, this time has been awesome). I digress - I'm doing that a lot more lately too.

I've had a lot of fun, but I've cried more tears in these five weeks than I have in the last five years. You might think that to be hyperbole. It's not. I have never cried this much ever (and I was married!!). I'm just grieving anything and everything right now. I'm clearly entering into a different phase and I'm letting go of childish things.

I don't know where this all is leading, but I do know it's to something greater for me. I have no illusions that I'm going to evolve into Saint CarlaMarie and anyone who even slightly knows me, would know I far rather be Sinner CarlaMarie. I do want to be "better" than this, but I'm not going to shame myself into it. I'm so done with guilt and shame.

I do know that I want my life to matter. Right now I don't see that being the case, but I think I have to go through whatever this is to get to where I can even think about helping others.

So there you go. That is where I'm at right now. Gotta go and peel more layers to this Crazy Carla onion.

What's in a Name?

I spend a lot of time letting my mind roam free. It's one of the luxuries of my lifestyle of almost zero responsibilities. I find it interesting what topics will repeatedly make an appearance. Some are the heavy questions of life, some are super frivolous and right down amusing, others are ones that circle around back every few months/years.

My last name. That's one that perplexes me. I have a pseudonym and have for years - Carla Castille. I always assumed I'd write under that name to "protect the innocent" read: I have a VERY conservative family and I couldn't be less like them if I tried.

I'm always looking at last names and trying them on with my first name. Mind you not of men I like, I mean total strangers' names. A personal fave - Cockcroft. I massively would love to be Carla Cockcroft. I won't do it, but it will always be an unfulfilled dream.

I kept my married name for numerous reasons. I use Susan Sarandon as my backup for this. She and Chris Sarandon were married 1967-1979, she didn't even have kids with him. She had kids with Amuri and Robbins, didn't take their names. Clearly it's her stage name, and I've almost come to regard my last name as mine.

Reasons I retain the name:

a) It's the name of my true love. That's an immutable fact.
b) I'm the only one in the world - LITERALLY - NO other woman has my name
c) It's Egyptian, but NO ONE knows what the fuck the name is so it's a convo starter
d) It means "King of Kings" - FUCK YEAH

Does the list even need to continue? I actually have a couple other points, but those are the biggies.

I'm not saying I'll never change my name. If I remarry, I might. Maybe I'll hyphenate. I don't know. I really like my name as it is. The one thing that could sway me is if I had kids. I might have to depart from Ms. Sarandon's example and take the name of my kids' father - unless I lose my mind in my 40's and have like 7 baby-daddies!! Never say "NEVER"!!!!!! ;)

This One Goes Out to the One I Love

Some things just stick. You smell a certain fragrance, you're transported years and miles to scene, time, and place. You hear a certain song, see a certain image - suddenly you are "there" - wherever your "there" happens to be.

I met someone 21 yrs ago who stuck with me. This person was my professor (due to graduating high school at 14, I was in college early). At the time he was the age I now am (37). I was in a program that was experimental at my college. I was to have him and 3 other professors for this particular class for two full years. This was ample time for the capricious lunacies of a young teen age girl's mind to run AMOCK.

This poor man. He became the be all and end all of my tiny little life. I think due to my extensive travels I was interesting enough to him that he didn't mind my adoration, and he NEVER did anything remotely inappropriate. He was always there for me. Anytime I had a question, any time I wanted to talk, any time I wanted to write him love letters in French. Ahhh, mais oui!!! I pulled out all the stops with him. With the exception of my ex-husband, I have never pursued a man so hard. And I LOVED to pursue.

I was devastated when my time with him came to an end. Many thought it was just a crush, and I guess it was/is. To this day, I still dream of him. I met up with him not long before I left Orlando 5 yrs ago. He looked INCREDIBLE, and although almost 15 yrs had passed - it felt like nothing had changed (except he was FINALLY divorced!!). I sooooo wanted to go back into hot pursuit mode, especially since my relationship with my ex-husband (which started right as I was no longer under Professor's tutelage) was ending.

There are a few things in life that I guard as so precious that I don't want to mare them. My memories, dreams, and thoughts of the Professor are at the top of that list. I would never want to damage my perfect view of him so I just stand back and do nothing. There has only been one other man that I have done this with since him. The Professor will forever be in my heart/mind/soul.

So why do I write about him today? It's his birthday. :) Today he is 58. Unless the last 5 yrs were brutal, he's no doubt the hottest 58 yr old prof out there.

So David, Happy Birthday and thank you for helping a young girl out in her awkward time of adjusting to the college/university world after a life of private tutoring, and thank you for providing a lovelorn woman so many years of precious memories.

Nocturnal Admissions

The last time I kept hours like these was ohhh 15+ years ago. My clock is alll out of whack. I've been getting in touch with a lot of thoughts/feelings/emotions/fears etc that keeping an 'ordinary' schedule has pretty much gone out the window.

I was struck by such overwhelming sadness the last few days, that of a tremendous loss. Copious amounts of tears have been shed. I've asked myself if I was missing anyone or anything and I come up blank. I think that I'm grieving for the parts that are finally being cared for and acknowledged. I am grieving for the things that probably will not be. Also, I am no doubt scared where I'll be led on this journey.

I have been talking to "God". I use quotes because I have thought myself to be an atheist or at bare minimum an agnostic. I'm trying to reach out to something larger than myself, whatever name you call it. My family and numerous people over the years have ruined my Christian faith. Having grown up in India I tend to embrace aspects of Hinduism and Buddhism, but I don't ally myself with any one set of beliefs. I do embrace the philosophy of Buddhism. Anyway, really not the point. I am trying to connect with something far larger than me, and hoping and praying for guidance.

I'm trying to be open to whatever comes my way. These 37 yrs have breezed by, particularly the last 5. I want to make the most of whatever time I have left. I want to connect more with those I love and care for. I still have a fortress around me. I try to keep people out so they can't see the broken parts, but maintaining the walls is exhausting. I'm so terribly, terribly tired.

This time is proving to be invaluable and I wish everyone I know, that would want to, could take this sort of time to just be with themselves. Pinterest, FB, and '80's movie favorites help to distract me for a bit, but my mind goes right back to what it's trying to work out.

All in all, I feel so much better.
Growing hurts though - it hurts like a motherfucker.

Priorities

I was having a conversation with Grandmother yesterday, as I do every day. She's my sounding board for it all - career, men, random things - she's who I go to. The last couple weeks I have definitely done a lot of soul searching. I was completely lost, and really had been since I landed here in 2008. I have viewed my time in Austin as a giant misstep and a series of misadventures that served little to no purpose.


Having this time to step back and look at were I was is turning out to be invaluable in shaping where I'm heading. I now have a far more solid vision of what I want out of life starting from here. My priorities have changed to be sure. I have more and more of a clear view of who I am and what I'm capable of. I also have a crystal clear view of what I absolutely refuse to put up with anymore. I have wasted so much time dealing with people's nonsense, lies, uncertainty, etc. That's ending.


I'll no longer ally myself with people who do not support, encourage, uplift, or comfort me. Since this is a two-way street, I would expect the same from them if I fail to be useful to them. Life is too short to be dragged down by those who don't serve a useful purpose in our lives.


I intend to break with Mediocrity, we've been bedfellows for far too long. As a part of his Build Carla Up Campaign, Grandfather has been emailing me photos, letters, etc of my past achievements to remind me of what I have accomplished and encouraging to push forward to even greater accomplishments. His campaign is working. I'm getting a better idea of what I want to do next in my career. I'm probably going to have to open my job search to a nationwide search, as I'd be surprised to find anything in my field here - but never say never.


So what do I want out of life as of right now?

-Love, respect, admiration from a man who lifts me up and I him

-A job that utilizes my talents and challenges me in an effective manner

-A way to give back that speaks to me - I'm WAY too self-centered


There are other things I want, but these are the big ones. The thing I love about my current list is that I have really thrown the gates wide open in the last week. I'm used to what I want having a very specific look and feel. I'm leaving it far more abstract now. I have the general ideas, but I don't really know what they look like. That's huge for me. Normally I have it planned down to the little intricate details. Not now. I'll let it flow to me in whatever form it takes. I just know that I'll not accept anything that doesn't meet my needs.

Good Bye, Norma Jean, Seriously - You Had a Fair Run

Thanks to Pinterest, I have access to even more unnecessary information. As those who know me can attest, I fucking love it!! Occasionally in my quest to pin alluring photos of a life I'll never lead, I stumble upon photos that surprise me. Such is the case with this photo. The caption was "Marilyn Monroe on her 36th Birthday". Her WHAT???? The way Elton John and the rest of the Free World laments her "untimely passing", I've always assumed she was a woman MUCH younger than 36. As a woman of 37, I can tell you - I've had a great run. I'm just Carla. Yeah, those who know me rather well, know my life has been anything but dull, but certainly NOTHING on the scale that would have been her life. So what's all the crying about? We can't all get to 80, and honestly - do you REALLY, REALLY want to? I only would for the sake of my family and the members of my family I actually care about ARE 80 right now. Don't get me wrong this isn't an EMO-esque posting. If I have children, I clearly would want to be there for them. That's a whole other case entirely. I get that leaving young ones behind is sad. I just don't get why not having a long life is deemed such a tragedy. But I'm weird so you know - take this post with a grain of salt. :)

The Secret of My (Lack of) Success

Sooooo, it's that time again. I'm discontent. I have legit reasons (as I usually do) for wanting/needing to move on, but GODDAMN, I do so tire of this. I was all set to get my Masters in what I already have a BA in, and as I have with my prior Masters attempts - I"m scrapping it for now. I see I really don't like management at all. I might even actually hate it, and I'm not sure I'm any good at it. I lack the megalomaniacal tendencies that I apparently need. So what to do, what to do? No seriously, please tell me. I'm open to suggestions.

The Winds of Time Are Shifting My Desires

I love blogposts that I write/erase/write/erase. Sometimes I think I sound like such an asshole. This has gone that way tonight. Here was basically what I was trying to say: What I used to desire I no longer do, or I don't let myself because as Ms. Plath pointed out - they would destroy me. I'm tired of making the same mistakes. I desire something more for my life than what I'm currently engaged in. I had something in there about being lonely tonight which is insane especially on a day where I got record compliments on my looks. So there you go. An Outline. I just fucking blogposted an outline. Wow.

Load Up the Caravan

So it's happening again. I'm moving, much to the surprise of NO ONE. I guess when you were RARLY in one place for more than a few weeks in your youth you just do NOT know how to put down roots. I get the keys tomorrow and I'm not remotely ready. I have my current apt till the last day of this month so there is a decent overlap. I have the movers coming a week from Friday. So I'll be done and outta here by the 21st. Things didn't go at all the way I thought they would this time, but things NEVER go the way I think they will. They just are a bit more off than expected. I found a cute place over double the size of the place I'm in now. I even will have a study. So that will be nice. The children (cats) will have more room. I'm closer to the office, but that's not all that thrilling. I'm not loving the job right now. Perhaps I'm just overwhelmed with the life changes - relationship ending/moving etc. I don't know. I hope I snap out of my little funk. I think I will. I think I'm just stressed out and lonely.

Cover Me

Soooooooooooooo. Today would have been my 1 yr anniversary with the only other guy I ever lived with other than my husband. Would have been. That ended 10 days ago. I'd be sad, but I knew he wasn't the one. Nice dude - NOT the one. So I move forward, but with more of a purpose now. After a few years of being vehemently anti-relationship, I'm moving into a different phase. A phase of very much wanting a solid relationship and to start a family. Is the clock ticking? I don't think so (although it probably should be at 37). I just think I've played enough. I don't think there's that much more fun to be had going down my usual frivolous path. I was listen to Bruce tonight and thought that "Cover Me" kind of sums up what I'm looking for.

So onward and upward. :)

"My Mind to Me a Kingdom Is"

I've been extremely unhappy for a good bit now, and I know that it's all in my mind. It's my view of things that causes all my distress and malcontent. I want to internalize this poem...

My Mind to Me a Kingdom Is My mind to me a kingdom is; Such perfect joy therein I find That it excels all other bliss Which God or nature hath assign'd. Though much I want that most would have, Yet still my mind forbids to crave. No princely port, nor wealthy store, No force to win a victory, No wily wit to salve a sore, No shape to win a loving eye; To none of these I yield as thrall,-- For why? my mind despise them all. I see that plenty surfeit oft, And hasty climbers soonest fall; I see that such as are aloft Mishap doth threaten most of all. These get with toil and keep with fear; Such cares my mind can never bear. I press to bear no haughty sway, I wish no more than may suffice, I do no more than well I may, Look, what I want my mind supplies. Lo ! thus I triumph like a king, My mind content with anything. I laugh not at another's loss, Nor grudge not at another's gain; No worldly waves my mind can toss; I brook that is another's bane. I fear no foe, nor fawn on friend, I loathe not life, nor dread mine end. My wealth is health and perfect ease, And conscience clear my chief defence; I never seek by bribes to please, Nor by desert to give offence. Thus do I live, thus will I die,-- Would all did so as well as I!

The Last Eleven Months...

I took a bit of time off from this blog. I don't really know why. I think I was encountering so much stuff and living so so much that I didn't really feel like chronicling the whole thing. It's been an eventful year (or close to one). Some good some bad as in everyone's life. Two crushing disappointments that still scar my soul and perhaps will for some time to come. Couple notable victories. An ending leading to another beginning. One reconciliation. A total shift in perspective that's led to some bitterness/cynicism. 36 was an interesting and eventful trip around the sun for me. Just hit 37 on the 18th so I'm curious what will come. Where will I be? I mean more in terms of mentally/emotionally than physically at this point. My new position is located here in Austin, TX so I foresee being here a few more years. N I hope to grow more. To care for myself more. To figure out why I'm so desperately unhappy so often. I blame the things around me, but I think I just do that because I don't know how to fix what I feel inside. This past year was rough because I feel like I'm coming to the point of facing the fact that I just might not be a happy person.

Sooo, what will I learn about myself this year? Will I just make peace with the fact that I might just be morose, and perhaps that's just fine? I don't know. But I'll try to write about it here more. Or just whatever random thoughts I have. I've missed this blog. :)