Play This Song at My Funeral

Two birthdays ago, I had a front row seat to Mr. Cohen serenading me.
I'll never forget it. Ever.

Apologies to 1621

I don't know if it's that my formative years involved frequent European excursions. I don't know if it's that I'm 1/2 South American. I don't know if it's that I grew up in and lived the first 33 years of my life either 6 - 8 stories off the ground. I don't know if it's that bras are suffocating, but when I'm home 95% of the time I'm topless. So call/text before visiting me.

I am in the process of moving out and a couple weeks back I took down the curtains in my kitchen. I've wondered if the neighbors could see me. The mail carrier gave me all of 1621's mail yesterday. As I saw one of the cars belonging to the couple pull up yesterday, I went out to give them their mail back. Given that the husband could NOT looking me in eyes, I'd say I have my answer.

Don't worry, Mrs. 1621. I'll be gone soon.

Restless

Christ, I'm restless. Hardly surprising, but semi-annoying.

I'll be glad when the next few weeks have passed. So much happening.

D'You Know What I Mean?

I've had this song in my head for days. Just woke up with it in my head again so strong I had to see the video.





Step off a train, all alone at dawn
Back into the hole where I was born
Sun in the sky, never raised an eye to me

There's blood on the tracks, and they must be mine
Fool on the hill, and I feel fine
Don't look back, 'cause you know what you might see

Look into the wall of my mind's eye
I think I know, but I don't know why
Questions of the answers you might need

Comin' in a mess, going out in style
I ain't good lookin', but I'm someone's child
No one can give me the air that's mine to breathe

I met my maker, I made him cry
And on my shoulder, he asked me why
As people won't fly through the storm
I said listen up now, we don't even know you're born

All my people right here, right now
D'you know what I mean? (yeah, yeah)

All my people right here, right now
D'you know what I mean? (yeah, yeah)

All my people right here, right now
D'you know what I mean? (yeah, yeah)

I don't really care for what you believe
So open up your fist and you will receive
The thoughts and the words of every man you'll meet

Get up off the floor of the leaving line
No one's ever gonna ever ask you twice
Get all the fuss and bring it all home to me

I met my maker, I made him cry
And on my shoulder, he asked me why
As people won't fly through the storm
I said listen up now, we don't even know you're born

All my people right here, right now
D'you know what I mean? (yeah, yeah)

All my people right here, right now
D'you know what I mean? (yeah, yeah)

All my people right here, right now
D'you know what I mean? (yeah, yeah)

Free = Freeing

Okay so there is, Christ, I don't even know probably $1,000's worth of stuff that I have given away and continue to do so because I don't have the time/patience to sit with ALL this stuff. It's lots of little stuff, but stuff that I have held on to because of sentiment.

Some people where making me feel badly/foolish for not asking for money so I started to and I just get SO annoyed with the questions and the "YES, I WANT IT" and then a no show or an excuse and they'll be by later or tomorrow or this weekend. It takes a lot for my emotionally to part with some of this stuff so to think, "Okay, 'x' will be gone by 7pm" and then it's not is hard on me.

BASTA!!!!

I'm done. I listed the last few larger objects for free tonight and within 10 min I have all of them spoken for and they all should be gone by 8:30pm. The best part was there was one item that was super-sentimental and I really hoped it went to someone cool, but where you're offering it for free who knows, right? Well as Eduardo hung up the phone he says, "Ciao!!" and I go, "Oh yeah, HE is the one who should have these!!!"

It's amazing how I am gaining nothing monetarily, but gaining MASSIVE amounts of peace with each of these items that I'm tossing. I haven't tossed everything from the 15 yrs we were together, but Holy Shit. I'd say I've axed a good 85% of it. I'm trying to get the balls to toss everything, but I'm having a hard time with that. I feel like that says that 15 of my 35 years were utterly meaningless. I KNOW that's not the case, but that's how it feels.

Good God, emotions are running HIGH in this old house.

(Sidenote: Sexy Pic, Huh??)

You Know That Scene...

in "The 'Burbs" where the younger Klopek drives the family car down the drive way, takes the trash out of the trunk, puts it in the the trash can and beats the fucking hell out of it while Hanks, Dern, and the other guy look on from across the street, then gets back in the car, backs it up into the garage and the door closes?

I want to do that. I HATE ALL THE CLUTTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Gratitude Is the Memory of the Heart"

Massieu wrote that. He also wrote "Let the Englishman have his coffee, and let me have my ham." Well let this mutt have BOTH!! ; P

Anyway this is not about Massieu, it's about Moi. I have had it in for this town because I thought I made a huge mistake coming here.
When I get frustrated, Reason and I soon part ways.

Anyway, suddenly everything is just falling neatly into place like a row of dominos tumbling beautifully in a row, and almost that quick. Where there was only an impasse and dejection there is now movement and hope.

I'm so grateful to those who have stuck by me during these difficult times. I love you guys, and the gratitude I feel for you fills my heart.

:)

New Order - Crystal

Don't F@ck With Me, Brimley!!!

OMG, I just kicked a Wilford Brimley look-alike out of my house and it was AWESOME!!!

I'm selling a ton of stuff (mostly giving away) and he shows up an hour early, I had just gotten out of the shower. He sort of charges on in and I show him the item I'm selling. Now I am selling it for $80 or best offer, and I have a few people lined up who also want the item so it's a seller's market on this one.

He goes, "I'll take it. Now that was $50 right?"

Me, "Nope $80"

Him, "60"

Me, "EIGHTY"

Him, "That's not worth $80"

Me, "There's the door"

He just STARED at me. He really thought I was going to back down. He just stared at me.

Me, "Goodbye"

He sat in his truck outside my house for at least 10 minutes. Enjoy the trip back to Bastrop, Brimley.

Now let me say this. I'd have taken $50. I mean I'm giving away $100's worth of stuff daily for nothing. I just want everything gone.

I didn't like his manner and I do NOT like when they play dumb on the price. Man the fuck up and say, "I'll give you $50" That's all he had to do. Pretending you don't know the price? Bitch move, Brimley, and I'm not having it.

His good ol' boy horseshit manner made me think of Ms. Crawford.

(for the record, I have encountered VERY little of that in my life. most people are very respectful to me. but every once in awhile...)

If I Were a Carpenter...

God, I love "If I Were a Carpenter". I cannot decide which version I love best. I think I'll go with Darin's, especially reading that he was gravely ill during this taping and died 9 mos later. Robert Plant is a god to me so he's high on the list. Also love Hardin's (the writer of the song). The Four Tops have a version. I'm a bit ehhh on that. I heard Seger's version yesterday and that's what made me decide I needed to talk about this song. I love that Fogleberg apologizes for its chauvinism. It's not even remotely chauvinistic to me.

I just love the idea of the song. If a man, was good and true through and through, I'd don't give a good Goddamn what he has. I'd just want him. If I ever remarry, this will be played at my wedding.


If I were a carpenter
And you were a lady,
Would you marry me anyway?
Would you have my baby?

If a tinker were my trade
would you still find me,
Carrying the pots I made,
Following behind me.

Save my love through loneliness,
Save my love for sorrow,
I'm given you my onliness,
Come give your tomorrow.

If I worked my hands in wood,
Would you still love me?
Answer me babe, "Yes I would,
I'll put you above me."

If I were a miller
at a mill wheel grinding,
would you miss your color box,
and your soft shoe shining?

If I were a carpenter
and you were a lady,
Would you marry me anyway?
Would you have my baby?
Would you marry anyway?
Would you have my baby?

Carla's Trash Is Several People's Treasure

Man, I have been humbled for the fifth time this week. I seriously would not be sad if I lost everything in a fire right now (not the cats nor shoes). I'm sooo sick of everything and stressing over the downsizing. So yes, I could have gotten money for a lot of the stuff I ended up listing for free on CL, but pftt. The experience of being able to give these things that I actually hate to people who are positively grateful has been AWESOME. AWESOME!!! I got a little scared today because I was listing everything in my pantry and posting that you have free food brings out a whole other element. I felt terrible, but I was scared to give the food to a couple men who responded. What if they saw that I live alone blahlblahblah. I have trust issues. So I found the sweetest girl EVER (that I gave the food to) who I am going to hire to help me clean the house and new apt. She has offered her help with anything I need. She just really needs the $$.

It's been sobering. I'm so lucky. Part of me has been all pouty about the fact that I need to make this move. Shame on me. I have it WELL. SO well. I got to crying on the phone to Grandmother about it. How did I grow up in India and get so far removed from all I saw there? She was saying how it's hard for her coming back to the beautiful condo each time she returns from India. I told her I really got that tonight. I really did.

God Damn It

I had a fucking awesome day today.

From beginning to end!!

I even had a Cuban Sandwich (one of my favorite of the sandwiches) and Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Cheesecake at "The Cheesecake Factory"

Yep, GOOD day.

So Far Away...

Man, I'm getting rid of SO much stuff my ex-husband gave me. Christ, it's hard.

Don't tell him, but I still love him.

I mean, best thing I ever did to get away -- but yeah, still do.

Craigslist: It's So Much More Than Just an Awesome Orgy Finder!!

OMG, I was EPICALLY stressed over stuff (otherwise known as crap I accumulate to give me a false sense of security). Yesterday I decide to take a shot at posting a lot of my stuff for free. Books, DVDs, Kitchen Cuckooness, and Clothes. I have met the most awesome people this afternoon. Learned a little bit about people who are on their different journeys and can benefit from what I view as a noose around my neck. The interactions were awesome and 20 times better than cash. There really are some things that you cannot put a price tag on.

I feel freer this evening. I have a bit more space. I know I'll need to list even more stuff, but I have the room now to throw open the cabinets again and get real with myself as to what I need and what I don't. Well I do NOT need any of it, but you know. What might I realistically use.

Today's been a great day. : )

Ohh, and Ladies, if you're ever feeling a bit down. Post a CL ad and within 10 minutes you'll feel hotter than Angelina Jolie. Your ego will be satisfied and you never have meet anyone, unless you want to. I do this about every six months and my self-esteem shoots through the roof. Hey, sometimes you need to know SOMEONE things you're fine.

Raw Emotion

Okay the pic is hot, and definitely shows the raw emotion of passion/horniness - which I am feeling, but I'm feeling raw emotion on several fronts.

1) Japan - Christ, what can I say? It's unfathomable. I have only been in Tokyo's airport and after seeing a really fun episode of "Top Gear" a few weeks back added Japan to the list of countries to revisit as an adult. Now, I don't even know. My heart aches for them. I was crying as I watched the news tonight. I had been avoiding it because I wasn't up to it with the other things that have been going on.

2) The move - (happening first week of April) excited on some levels, freaked the fuck out on others.

3) The job - will it be there tomorrow? who knows. i know i'll be alright. fortunately, i have an awesome family. i also have awesome pride and i HATE relying on other people. so i hope a solid, new, fun, fulfilling opportunity surfaces AFTER THE MOVE.

4) The birthday - Going to be 36 in a month a four days. Thirty-six. I thought I'd have FutureBaby Max by now. I thought a lot of things would be by now. Life has not turned out like I thought it would. Not remotely. So far, I'm not liking how things are looking. So change them, right? Riiiiiiight. To what? What? I really don't know. All that meant anything to me is now long gone. There are new things that might potentially mean something to me, but it's all hypothetical right now.

5) My Grandparents - I worry about them. A lot. Am I selfish staying here? Should I have encouraged them to move here? They wanted to then I told them not to because I don't think I like Austin. I will be here for a bit though, so did I do the wrong thing? How much time do they have left?

6) My brother - I miss him.

7) My sister - Will we ever have a relationship?

8) My parents - Ehhhh, what to say?

9) My friends - am I slighting them? I get so very focused on me, and then suddenly read that one of them has had a problem or brush with something scary and I didn't even know. How much more wrapped up in myself can I possibly be?

10) Others - I grew up helping people in India. What the fuck am I doing now? NOTHING. Nothing of value. How can I see what I have seen and live the life I live?

I think I'll just stop there because I have myself crying now.

Yeah, RAW EMOTION.

"Death Is a Debt We All Must Pay." ~Euripides

My Grandparents lost a friend they had for over 60 yrs last night. He was a sweet man. He and his wife were very good to me the second time I moved to California. My husband up and left me (for the dozenth time) and I was stuck out there in San Diego. They took me in and helped me and made a horrible time so much better until my family got me back home (long story...all these sorts of stories of mine are).

Anyway, Grandmother was telling me how they (Grandfather, she, and this man) were "The Three Musketeers". He was married to another woman at the time, but I guess that was not a happy union. The woman I know was his 2nd wife. I've often heard stories about him and few other friends of theirs who have passed on in the last 5-10 yrs. It makes me wonder what that must feel like. The certainty that you or your friends will die - soon.

I've thought a lot about death in the last year. Well I always have, but more so lately. I was at the doctor the other day for panic attacks and I have to keep filling out this mental health questionnaire. (She thinks I'm bi-polar or in some way off). I answer everything as honestly as I can including the "Do you have thoughts of killing yourself." I do. Just not now. I just think of it more as an option should I ever find out I'm really sick. What's the point of making it to 80 and suffering? None that I see. This would be the advantage of never having kids. I couldn't do something like that if I had children left behind. If there is no one though, I think it's a perfectly viable option. Other than religious guilt, which fades a bit more each year, I don't see anything wrong with it. It's your life. Why shouldn't you have the ultimate control over it.

To the people who actually know me who are reading this: Don't Worry! I'm fine!! Just talking about the things that we aren't supposed to talk about. Why not? Death is a part of Life.

Carla Sidhom: Rare Book Collector

I have always loved books.

Since my childhood, I dreamt of having Prof. Higgins library (see pic).

I have collected and given away, collected and given away my books. I'm doing so again.

I want to build a collection that I wouldn't dream of giving away.

I hate collecting. I hear of others doing it with various things, and I don't get the point. I do with books.

I'd love to become a mini-expert at it.


On another note, Rex Harrison as Professor Higgins was one of my first crushes.

Yo, Adrien!!!!

You know how much a love you, so I humbly request that you not shill any other products. I'm sitting here drinking Stella Artois that I purchased for reasons beyond my control. I was at the store. I saw Stella Artois. I heard you singing to me (yes, TO ME!!!). I bought Stella Artois.

Your Svengali-esque hold on me is too strong. So please, no more commercials. Have mercy on me.

If you must sell something, please make it a really great mutual fund or IRA or even gold. Dude, GOLD. Glen Beck has me hating gold, you could make me love it again!!

Use your sick powers over me for good, Adrien.

Panic

I had my first panic attack when I was at least 8 if not younger. Had my most current one today.

Better now. Scary each time though. Always makes me think of this song.

Maybe I'm just scared of gas prices :P :)


Oasis - Gas Panic (album version)



What tongueless ghost of sin crept through my curtains?
Sailing on a sea of sweat on a stormy night
I think he don't got a name but I can't be certain
And in me he starts to confide

That my family don't seem so familiar
And my enemies all know my name
And if you hear me tap on your window
Better get on your knees and pray panic is on the way

My pulse pumps out a beat to the ghost dancer
My eyes are dead and my throat's like a black hole
And if there's a god would he give another chance?
An hour to sing for his soul

Cos my family don't seem so familiar
And my enemies all know my name
And when you hear me tap on yer window
Yer better get on your knees and pray panic is on the way

Cos my family don't seem so familiar
And my enemies all know my name
And when you hear me tap on your window
Then you get on your knees and you better pray
Cos my family don't seem so familiar
And my enemies all know my name
And when you hear me tap on your window
Yer better get on your knees and pray
Panic is on the way
Panic is on the way

Rethinking It All

A week ago, I had no idea I'd be here. Here is I just signed the lease to a considerably smaller place with a considerably smaller price tag. I will have to get rid of most of what I have due to the diminished size, and let's be honest, I don't use even 85% of what I own. Some things have been a bit hard. A lot of sentimental things will be sacrificed. I think it will mostly be cathartic. I'm getting out of debt, and I'm excited about that. I have been comfortable (sort of) with debt as so many I know are in debt regardless of double income and even some rather large incomes. It's natural to live bigger when you can and I have. I didn't adjust to the fact I make a good $15k less in Texas than I did in FL. So it's time to alter things to correct this little problem.

I have to be brutally honest with myself (that's why I'm writing this, a measure of accountability). I have a bit of a problem that throwing money at DOES seem to temporarily fix. I need to break that in the next year or two because I don't want to hobble along in life like this.

So it's a bit of a sacrifice now, but the rewards on the other side will be great.

I like this pic I found because I think that sort of sums it up for me. I feel I have to spend, spend, spend. But I don't, don't, DON'T.

People who are true, love me for me. I don't have to buy their love.

And neither do you. ; )

Cadbury: Jesus Would Not Approve of Your Diminished Eggs

I'm very open-minded when it comes to religion. That'll happen when you spend your formative years in India, but I most identify with Christianity and specifically I really like Jesus. I don't know if he really existed or not (95% of my family does, but that's them), but I really dig him. I dig that he was pretty much chill, but lost his mind in the temple. That's my kind of Deity. Usually chill, but don't screw Him over. Hey, that's kinda like me!! I'm like Jesus!! :P

Anyway, I get excited about Easter. Sometimes it's on or around my birthday. Sometimes it's not. It's the week after my birthday this year. It's rather late. It usually means I get pastel colored gifts. That's cool. I still love "Miami Vice" so, YAY!

You know what else I like about Easter. The title and photo will have tipped you off, but yes The Cadbury Creme Egg. I love anything creme filled. Since this post has referenced our Lord and Savior, I'll not go further with that.

I was so excited to see Cadbury Eggs at the story yesterday that purchased TWO boxes of them. That's 8 eggs. That's 2/3 of a dozen!!! That's a lot of eggs, right? WRONG!!!!!

What happened, Cadbury? What did you do to our eggs? They are wee!!! I can pop this whole sucker in my mouth. That's not right!!! I am supposed to carefully bite off the top, lick the creme fondant (that's what it's called) out, and then eat the shell. It's a very specific procedure. Kind of like the proper procedure for eating an Oreo.

I did a bit of research and learned that Cadbury initially DENIED that the eggs were smaller and just said we have grown up. Damn it, Cadbury. Don't fuck with me like that. I already know I have man-hands. Don't make me feel like a total freak.

You shrunk these eggs. You know it, I know it, and Jesus knows it. Ohhhh, He SO knows it!!!

Pretty Much Sums It Up: Part II

Fleetwood Mac - Everywhere

Got a Predicament? Bread and Olive Oil Can Help

Have you been struck by a steady rush of one problem after another for the last six + months? ME TOO!!!!

The latest shit-storm descended today and after a good cry I turned to bread and olive oil and guess what? I'm as right as rain.

Calmed me right down. I remembered that this to shall pass.

I need it to pass quickly though because my ass cannot get any fatter.

"Dogtooth": If You've Seen This, Let's Form a Support Group

MOTHER OF GOD was this intense, but I loved it.

First of all, let the record show I was home schooled and I'm fine. I mean I'm not fine, but I don't fault home schooling. I finished high school at 14 and was in a well respected intense Honors program in college at 16 so home schooling - not all bad.

This movie is such an amazing way of showcasing why you should not shelter your children.

It's graphic, it's funny, it's disturbing.

It was a Best Foreign Pic Nominee at the Oscars this year. I can see why.

I kinda need to talk to someone about this.

Lose the Battle/Win the War

There are a few sayings that are like Gospel to me. This is one. I'm currently putting it into play yet again, by walking away from something for the moment only to reemerge stronger than ever. I'm going to drastically scale back my lifestyle and get debt-free by summer '12.

That will mean a lot of sacrifice, obviously. The biggest will be in my dwelling. I'm going to go from my 3 bedroom house to probably a studio maaaaaybe a 1 bedroom, but since I want to stay in my high-rent neighborhood that's really pushing it.

Tonight Reality slapped me in the face (when it should be slapping C. Sheen in the face) as I viewed my possible future abode.

TINY!!!!!!! But, I will be debt-free. ZERO DEBT. OWE NO MAN NOTHING.

I think I can lose this battle to win that war!!! : )