Trapped

I feel so boxed in right now, I could fucking scream.

Pretty Much Sums It Up

The Bee Gees- 'Words'

Initiative

You know the biggest thing I notice now that I'm well in my 30's? That I have lost my mind in regards to men.

I seriously contemplated rear-ending this total hotass in an old, beat-up GMC pickup just to meet him. If I had my old car, I just might have done it.

I think my fever may have spiked.

25 or 6 to 4

I think I have landed on what to write about.

If I do, I'll need a pseudonym and for a couple of people to no longer be around.

Phil Seymour - Precious To Me

Fleeting

As I steadily approach the successful completion of my 35th year on this crazy, little, spinning rock I marvel that I'm here. I was the girl was going to die before she hit 28 and how I didn't achieve that might be argument for the the existence of a Higher Power. I did almost everything in my power to make that happen. So how did I get so lucky to make it this far when others didn't?

I don't have an answer. Just a question I'm asking.

Austin Sucks. Don't Move Here...

Except I actually mean it. I just sat for 58 minutes (before I could convince the Indian woman in the car next to me that she wouldn't be arrested for driving the wrong way down a one way street) trapped due to the marathon. Now I'm about to do something I never thought I'd do --- Praise Orlando.

In Orlando, we have this same stuff going on all the time too. I live downtown in Orlando, as I basically do here. You know what they do in Orlando. POST SIGNS TELLING YOU OF ROAD CLOSURES BEEEEEFORE YOU GET TO THE CLOSURE!!!! Not everyone watches the dull-as-dishwater local news. So you might innocently get up on a Sunday morning, as I often do, and decide to beat the church crowd only to to be trapped with no end in sight. If this was my first incident with this, I wouldn't really care. It's nice outside, there was nowhere I really had to be, and I enjoyed being reminded of why I hate running - 95% of runners' bodies are gross to me -- fuckin' eat something!! Then there was the other 5%, some pretty, pretty, pretty well built guys running shirtless. That made up for it all. I got some good material out of it, if you know what I mean.

But seriously. There are several places on my way home from work each day that warn of road closures and that particular project wrapped WEEKS ago. I don't get what's with the entire road system here, but it's really not good. I feel comparing O to A is fair because O is the 27th largest US city and A is the 35th. To me that is close and to me there is no reason some well posted signs could not be utilized here, no NOT utilized if they are no longer relevant. Ohhh, and I'm by no means the only one to feel that way. I thought a few of my fellow prisoners were going to go completely agro this morning.

Subtle Changes

I've been making some changes the last few weeks and it's caused me to reflect on the past, some of the FL past, but more of the Austin past. Reviewing old notes, thoughts, etc. was quite illuminating. Changes that were subtle have added up to some massive, positive changes. It's very encouraging and empowering.

I'll Let Björk Be My Mouthpiece

She cuts to the chase so much better than I...

Respect

I have come to the conclusion that respect is what I want and cherish above all else. Any situation I'm in that I do not feel respected, I'll not remain in. I used to think that love, attention, adoration was what I wanted and I do, I definitely do, but respect first and foremost is what I crave.

I have found an incredible friend base here in Austin in which I feel deeply respected. I love that. I want that in all arenas of my life -- because I deserve people's respect. I'm in a situation in which no one seems to respect anyone. I look forward to the day I'm no longer there.

So What's New with You?

This was from my Daily OM earlier this week and I'd say that this very well sums up the last 4-6 months of my life, in case you were wondering. Also, I won't be keeping a duck feather.


"Sometimes a part of us must die before another part can come to life. Even though this is a natural and necessary part of our growth, it is often painful or, if we don’t realize what’s happening, confusing and disorienting. In fact, confusion and disorientation are often the messengers that tell us a shift is taking place within us. These shifts happen throughout the lives of all humans, as we move from infancy to childhood to adolescence and beyond. With each transition from one phase to another, we find ourselves saying good-bye to an old friend, the identity that we formed in order to move through that particular time.

Sometimes we form these identities in relationships or jobs, and when we shift those areas of our life become unsettled. Usually, if we take the time to look into the changing surface of things, we will find that a shift is taking place within us. For example, we may go through one whole chapter of our lives creating a protective shell around ourselves because we need it in order to heal from some early trauma. One day, though, we may find ourselves feeling confined and restless, wanting to move outside the shelter we needed for so long; the new part of ourselves cannot be born within the confines of the shell our old self needed to survive.

We may feel a strange mixture of exhilaration and sadness as we say good-bye to a part of ourselves that is dying and make way for a whole new identity to emerge in its place. We may find inspiration in working with the image of an animal who molts or sheds in order to make way for new skin, fur, or feathers to emerge. For example, keeping a duck feather, or some other symbol of transformation, can remind us that death and rebirth are simply nature’s way of evolving. We can surrender to this process, letting go of our past self with great love and gratitude, and welcoming the new with an open mind and heart, ready for our next phase of life."

I Need to Add This to My "Carla's Life Soundtrack"

Hot Chocolate - Every 1's a winner 1978

All That Fur & All That Hair

One of These Mornings

Won't be very long. You will look for me, and I'll be gone.

"Honesty" Is Such a Lovely Word

Have you ever had a conversation with someone and you just suddenly said what it was you truly have been thinking/feeling and yet somehow didn't realize?

I just did that.

HUGE!!!

Abe would be proud.

Simple Marriage

I subscribe to a lot of self-improvement blogs/newletters etc. I got one the other day from Zen Habits that actually was about another blog that I was unfamiliar with called "Simple Marriage". It was entitled "Relationships Are Easy" which TOTALLY got my attention because I have always thought the "Marriage is hard work" notion was BS. I see my Grandparents who have been married 59 yrs and there is NOTHING hard about what they have. Okay, they have had 59 yrs to perfect it, but I was around for 35 of those years and it's been easy all that time and I am pretty sure it was before I came along. I'm not saying they would not have had hard times, but they are best friends and they show it. So I read the email and was so moved by it I forwarded it to a friend (which I rarely ever do, I don't like to feel like I'm forcing something on someone). My friend got a lot out of it too. So I figured, let me blog about it in case someone else needs to read it as well.

http://www.simplemarriage.net/manifesto.html


http://www.simplemarriage.net/manifesto.html


It's hit and miss if blogger let's me post a link so you might need to copy and paste it. I really liked the Manifesto. I showed me that I completely did the right thing in leaving, not that I doubt my leaving, but sometimes when you look at the fact that you've been alone for three years it can fuck with you. Reading this showed me how I have really grown. REALLY grown. I have a ways to go, but it's not over till I'm dead. I've made some personal decisions. I have decided that I do what to remarry. I want to marry someone who gets this though. I do NOT want to struggle in a relationship just so to not be alone. I want someone who makes me life better for being in it and I do the same for him. I want to grow old with my best friend.

Brown Chicken Brown Cow (II)

Well look at me. I apparently have already titled a blog post BCBC before as it auto-populated. Well sorry of repeating myself, but I think while the general topic will be sex that there is a deeper point to the post.

So if you're keeping up you know that I got turned on (not sorry for the sophomoric pun) to belly dancing about a month ago. Unlike most of my, "OH MY GOD I HAVE TO DO THAT" urges this one has stuck around. In fact, it's helping me. A lot. I have never been fatter in my life than I am now and while I'm not happy about it, I'm finding that with the dancing it's making me respect my body more and in turn I'm gradually giving a damn about myself. This is reflected in a big drop off in my emotional eating/drinking. BIG drop off. I feel like I'm starting to connect to my body more. I start my formal lessons tomorrow and I'm so excited. I am afraid that I'm doing some moves wrong (I get SO turned around) so it will be wonderful to have Najla right there showing me what to do and not do.

I'm finding that just in the little bit I've done on my own that my senses are reawakening (refer to title and pic if you are unclear what 'senses' I am speaking of). It's really nice. I had soooo shut myself off due to a couple of notable mistakes in judgement in the men department, that I really felt almost dead inside. No I actually did feel dead inside.

It's nice to see that there is hope. I met a woman from Craigslist today (I'd love to end the post right there:) ), and she was telling me that when she was 36 (which I will be in April) that she packed it in. Decided "I'm going to be alone" so she bought a place in the country, a bunch of horses, and a pickup (the pickup was what started the life story). She then said that she knew a guy at the time, but he was serving in Bosnia and there didn't seem like there was going to be a relationship. Cut to present day - they're married. I just loved the story because she was 36 and had packed it in, just like I have, and life surprised her.

I'm looking forward to life surprising me --- IN A GOOD WAY THIS TIME, LIFE!!!

Linear: Leaves Me Cold

I have been attempting to find a picture of a cozy, stone (or brick) restaurant to try to duplicate what's in my head. It's moments like this that I wish the family's artist gene took the form of drawing, like it has for several in our family, instead of verse as it has for me. I have SOOOOOOOOOOO many beautiful images in my head that I have no way of conveying. I have a vision and a feeling of a restaurant that I feel is MY restaurant. So I have been searching and searching all day. Nothing has come close. One thing I found interesting though was how many very linear designed places people had captioned as "cozy". I do not think "cozy" when I think linear. Neat - Yes. Orderly - Yes. Cold as Ice - ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY.

I can appreciate linear things, but I do not get a good feeling from them. It's funny. I used to tell my ex-husband all the time, "You are have a very linear way of thinking," to which he'd snap, "I know you're insulting me." Which I truly wasn't. I just felt it was why we were not compatible. I mean he is WAAAAAY linear in his thinking. I don't think there is a thing wrong with that, just doesn't mesh well with me and my way of thinking.

I've seen several restaurants that I have liked in my search and ALL expect one in NYC are overseas. I guess when you grow up abroad it affects you. :)

I obviously have picked an uber-linear picture to illustrate my point of it being ice cold. The restaurants were not this institutional. They were softly lit which helped, but cozy -- uh, no.

The Year of the Cat (Bunny)

OMG, it's finally my Chinese year!!!! I truly forgot that it was coming up!!! I'm the year of the rabbit or cat depending on the astrology. Given my cat love I like to say cat, but bunnies rock too.

I should get a reading for this year. I hope that it means AMAZING things will happen!!!

Woman in Chains

Christ, sometimes I so feel this song. :(






You better love loving and you better behave
You better love loving and you better behave
Woman in chains, woman in chains

Calls her man the great white hope
Says she's fine, she'll always cope, ooh
Woman in chains, woman in chains

Well, I feel lying and waiting is a poor man's deal (A poor man's deal)
And I feel hopelessly weighed down by your eyes of steel
(Your eyes of steel)
Well, It's a world gone crazy keeps woman in chains, woh woh woh
Woman in chains, woman in chains

Trades her soul as skin and bones
(You better love loving and you better behave)
Sells the only thing she owns
(You better love loving and you better behave) ooh ooh
Woman in chains (the sun and the moon), woman in chains

Men of stone, men of stone, hey baby, no no no, ooh

Well, I feel deep in your heart there are wounds time can't heal
(The time can't heal)
And I feel somebody somewhere is trying to breathe
Well, you know what I mean
It's a world gone crazy keeps woman in chains

It's under my skin but out of my hands
I'll tear it apart (somebody somewhere is trying)
But I won't understand (to breathe)
I will not accept the greatness of man
It's a world gone crazy keeps woman in chains
Gone crazy keeps woman in chains

So free her, so free her, so free her
So free her, so free her (the sun and the moon)
So free (the wind and the rain) her, so free her
So free her, so free her, so free her, so free her
So free her, so free her (the sun and the moon)
So free (the wind and the rain) her, so free her